Where does she go?

Thank you for the comments and your perspectives on this question. It seems I'm not the only one who has felt this, but some of you have a much better handle on it than I do.

I've been more than a little distracted by the duality of my nature and have been attempting to find a way to resolve that feeling that there is a she and a he residing here inside my head. It's frustrating for me to not only feel differently but be seen to respond differently depending on how I am presenting myself. So my goal has been to feel like I've actually integrated the various aspects of myself into a single personality. I'm not trying to blend everything into a single emotion or limit my responses, it's joyful to be complex and have a variety of choices in life. I'm trying to figure out why it seems necessary, and totally natural to limit/choose behaviors, attitudes, choices, responses etc. based on whether or not I'm wearing forms and a wig or not. I wonder if there is a threshold for that kind of complexity that seems to come before trouble, rather than produces the complexity that results in joy.

Or it could be I'm just overthinking the whole damn thing and I just need to slip into something comfortable and pour myself a drink.

I used to perceive a duality that was a source of anxiety, but less these days as afterall there is only one me who dresses according to occasion. Joni

I am a bit of a tom boy, so Chrissi and Chris never really go away. I'm sensitive and have effeminate mannerisms, I've always been pegged as gay my entire life, as I tick enough "stereotypes," as much as i find those characterizations and generalities distasteful. But in my case, they are somewhat true.

I wouldn't say that I have a change in outward persona, mainly a change in confidence and inner peace. Before, when I was mainly Chris, and occasionally Chrissi, I was stillthe same, but lacked a certain confidence...was always nervous and self conscious and worrying about fitting in...Now even when I have to be Chris, I channel my feelings, knowing that Chrissi is who I really am. As a result I am much more confident and happier inside. At peace. Chrissi is who I am, but I have to pretend to be Chris, but for some reason that is a lot easier these days.

"She" is always there. I have no female persona. No name, no different anything. I have never come to any point where I actually identify as female. However, I always identify as being like a female in many ways. parallel perhaps, and in general, I am a feminine person. feminine enough to feel completely comfortable/natural wearing women's clothing. I also happen to be male, which puts me in a pretty small minority.

I have often wondered if creating a separate female persona would help, as the feminine and masculine aspects of me often collide. A separation might make those collisions not happen as often. Might make my life easier in some ways. I just don't see myself ever being able to pull off something of a separation of character. Not that I haven't even offered to try when it comes to my marriage. My wife didn't think it would help at all, possibly make things even more difficult as there would be a whole separate person involved and when and where does she end and he begin.... So, for now and as long as I can see, it is just me, the guy who is feminine to the point that he is like a female in many ways and feels comfortable and natural looking like one.... ok, not actually looking like one (although I would be fine with it if I did) but dressing like one.

this reminded me of a silly/funny joke.
where does the electric light go when you turn it of?



into the refrigerator.just open the door!

She goes to work...silently...she goes to baseball practice with the kids...silently...she mows the grass...silently...she shuttles the side job because it keeps the kids in better schools...silently...

She's always there, just not in plain sight...

Life takes many turns as we decide between plans "A" and "B"...I'm envious of those who have the luxury of expressing their selves more openly...

She's always gonna be there, no matter how we have to hide her from the light of day...

Patti

I am always me. Whether dressed or not, I am always me - a guy who likes to dress. I am not two souls. I don't have two spirits in me. There is no he and she exchange. I simply love to crossdress and I enjoy the pleasure it offers me. I may act more feminine but I am still only a guy wearing woman's clothes when i crossdress. I am not a woman and my male self does not disappear.

I'm Jamie most of the time either male or female, with the exception of one of my faults, which is behind the wheel, when I can find myself swerving (literally) into guy mode, with a WTF engagement of "let's get going already". OK, my bad, just had to vent I guess...

Jamie

"She" goes nowhere. She is always there. She and he are one and the same and always have been. It's just that she is now given voice and limited freedom of expression through being out to my wife, this website and at the occasional CD event she attends.

Interestingly, the first time I ever dressed and spent the whole evening with my wife en femme, she was astonished that I remained the same person I've always been, despite my being fully dressed in a very elegant feminine way with full makeup. She had imagined that I would put on some femme persona, the way an actor / actress assumes a character and demeanour when dressed for the role. Being the same person helped, I think, to gain her acceptance. It was just the clothes. Her husband hadn't gone away.

She asked for my femme name. I didn't have one. Again, a degree of surprise. But I had been in the closet and had never had the need for a femme name. It's funny that my wife expected there to be two separate identities in me, one for each gender presentation.

I wonder if the general public think this is the case. I only adopted a female name when I registered for a CD event and then to join this wonderful site. But there's no split or dual personality.

That said, I feel infinitely happier when dressed. I have always felt that the differences between male and female are exaggerated. Not denying they exist, of course, just exaggerated. Dressing allows the more feminine part of me to come out better. But it doesn't increase or decrease my femininity (or masculinity, for that matter). Being all blokey and going down to a sports bar and shouting at the screen, however , would take as much effort for me and be just as out of character as dressing as a model and parading down the catwalk. Both complete artifice and beyond the male / female boundaries of my character.

Love, Michelle