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I've found that as I get older, I have more free time. And more free time, leaves more time for the mind to wander, and the gender monster comes out to play, so I have to deal with it more often. I see my friends going through the same thing, I can only guess what they have to deal with. As we approach retirement, when nearly all day is free to wonder what to fill our time with, it's no surprise that if we enjoy dressing up, we're going to want to do it more and more often.
Martha, I don't have any man-clothes now, so I'm dressed en-femme 24/7, and I'm in a long process of waiting for physical transition. However,I find myself treated as a woman in almost all circumstances, like train stations, shops, even if I have a few days non-shaving. It's how you radiate emotionally that sets up what happens with other people.
You should probably start following the transgender group. Transition can happen in two flavors. Option one is "toe in the water", make small changes and spend more and more of your free time (non-work) living as a woman, with little bits of "bleed-over" into your male life. This is the best way for those who have a stable environment and don't want to jeopardize all of it. It also gives you a chance to make controlled corrections as you transition.
The other is "Dive in head first", which is often the hardest way and usually done when the rug is pulled out from under us. For example, a minor who has been kicked out of the house may HAVE to start living as a girl full time in order to hide from parents, to get back to school, or to survive. Really not the best way to go.
The first thing to understand is that there WILL be losses. There WILL be hardships. On the other hand, if you can manage and control your transition, the rough patches don't last as long, and it becomes easier to replace what was lost and/or minimize the losses.
When I transitioned in 1989, I did everything wrong. I wore a maids dress to the Halloween costume contest at work in October of 1988. It was obvious that I KNEW how to walk in 3 inch heels, and didn't have much trouble with it. I was too effeminate, coming off more like a gay drag queen than a transgender girl. Then I went to a bunch of social events as Debbie and struggled with my wife's rejection. When we went to a couples counselor it was for "Sex therapy" because we hadn't done anything for 2 years. Leslie blurted out that she couldn't stand my "Wardrobe Problem". The therapist then talked to each of us separately and he realized that I wasn't just a cross-dresser, I was a transsexual, so severe he thought I would commit suicide if I didn't transition (I later told him I'd already tried several times). Unfortunately, it was also clear that Leslie was actually repulsed by my feminine side, whether I dressed or not. So I knew that the marriage was going to end.
Over the next 12 months, I lost my wife, my children, my job, my home, and had to move 70 miles away to Denver where I had a better chance of getting a technology job. I had to live is a hooker motel for a few months, but I found a job where they would have supported my transition, met a girl who loved that I was transgender, and was bisexual. Before long, I was living almost 100 hours a week as Debbie, and was preparing to find a new therapist who could supervise my transition.
Unfortunately, my kids found out a bit about Debbie, and it got back to my ex, who first decided she couldn't take care of the kids, so they spent the summer with me, and we added another woman to the household who helped with child care as well as working. We all took turns taking care of the kids, but they would often call me Debbie around the kids, and would ask to borrow my clothes. When the kids told Leslie, she then wanted the kids back, along with the child support increases, and then she handed me a letter from a counselor who had never met me or the kids recommending that my visitation be revoked. I had to abort transition, and after that, I moved to New York for a 6 month contract to get my finances sorted out. I started to transition again, and when my son was being disobedient to his step-dad, Leslie asked for pictures of Debbie so she could shame my son into hating me. Instead, I talked to him on the phone. I told him that it was true, I was a girl inside, and I still loved him. I also told him that since I couldn't be there with him, he should sit in his step-dad's lap and tell him everything he would tell me, and then give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
I didn't see my kids face-to-face for another 5 years, but my finances were so incredibly tight that I wasn't able to transition to full time. I ended up in a leadership position and was told to "butch up" by my boss, and I had to abort again. After that, I gained a LOT of weight, and my health got bad. I couldn't even stand to get dressed. I had reached 330 lbs, and had a heart attack.
A few years later, I went on Atkins and dropped down to 250 lbs, and I started to dress. The improved self-esteem motivated me to lose another 25 lbs on Weight Watchers. Then, with my second marriage, the cross-dressing was OK, but the transition was now off the table. My health began to suffer again, I gained 50 lbs, to 270 lbs, and had a stroke. When my daughter got married, I started to think about transition again. I was on the road and packing for both Debbie and Rex, and spending most of my free time as Debbie. At 50+, my short skirts and too tight blouses were getting noticed in a bad way. My wife did a "What not to wear", throwing out all of my girl clothes, and taking me to Avenue, Lane Bryant, and Catherine's for a new wardrobe. Almost immediately, I noticed that I WASN'T being noticed. I could walk through the mall and not even get a second look. Not only did I "pass", I had learned to "blend".
With a more professional wardrobe, I was able to start hormones and started to work as a "gender fluid" male, obviously feminine, but I was open about being transgender and intending to transition. When I got to the point where I could only pass as a guy if I wore a really baggy dress shirt made of thick material and a sport-coat, I told my boss that I wanted to transition in about 6 months. Two weeks later, he had be working for my next client as a woman. I hadn't yet changed my name, so I had to go by "Rexxie" for about 6 months. The next client only knew me as Debbie and I have had a happy career ever since.
Eventually, I was fully accepted by my wife's family, by our church, by several social groups, and some support organizations. I have also written three books, which I won't plug here.
From what I've seen and experienced so far, transition is driven by the intensity of Gender Dysphoria... it authors its own timeline and you respond as necessary to stay alive - I don't really agree with the idea that there are "choices" or flavors... different paths perhaps, but thinking about it like selecting a curriculum or something might not be the best way to approach it.Quote:
Originally Posted by DebbieL
Paula Q wrote this.Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulaQ
To me, this has got to be the most powerful thing I have ever seen posted on this subject. Not saying that the other side of SRS is bliss but just to feel OK.
Kudos to you, Paula, for what could be the key for anyone considering transitioning.
But I don't know anything for sure as I am just a CDer and don't consider myself any kind of an expert on transitioning.
Hugs to you Paula.
Billie
My kind of thread!
If you believe in destiny, then you don't actually have to do anything. Things will work out no matter if you act on it or not. So you may as well just do whatever you want, and go along for the ride. It's certainly less work that way.Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha G
Hi Martha,
I could "ditto" your entire message. My wife helps with make-up, feminine mannerisms and style choices. I enjoy practicing how to walk, sit, etc. like she does. My frustration is I love hose of all kinds, but they're not "fashionable". I don't care if I'm out of style, I wear hose. So there ! Ha !