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The point I make here is how far has he gone with these other men, the condom thing is a big condemnation of what he is up to and why. If it has developed into a sexual thing that is a big thing to get over if ever it's like being betrayed or cheated on both as bad as each other.
In my honest opinion, your husband will neither stop crossdressing nor will he stop trying to meet men.
Dear Deanna.
I don't have anything significant to add but I wanted to join the others in wishing you the best. I'm very impressed with how you're dealing with this.
Take care
Ameli
Hi Deanna
I can relate to your story as it describes me.
My wife caught me in almost the exact same way.
It brought me hurt, shame and many other things and I had to confront myself honestly.
Keep in mind that MOST males who crossdress are straight or maybe bisexual. Yes, some of us are gay too, but sexuality and gender are not the same.
I admitted I was sexually attracted to men, and after a bit I felt she understood.
Later she outed me to my friends and family. It was a very painful experience and I lost everything.
Make him comfortable to open up to you. Suggest an evening with a glass of wine, let him talk about it...don't be pushy or judgemental.
Play it by ear and let him express himself.
Unfortunately I don't see a happy ending to this. 15 years of a secret life of not just private dress up, but of infidelity. Craigslist meet ups, that's some tough stuff there. Again, trying to get through this is not wrong, but if my wife had a secret life of hook ups for 15 years she would be out the door.
That is really tough. I hope you and him can have a long, non condemning talk, and work this through, maybe go to a counselor trained in these type matters.
sooo for me the condoms....thats just not going to sit well with me....only one thing they are made for....and touching is as touching does. infidelity is what it is.
for me its a blunt run forest run..... sorry for my honest opinion, thats a lot hidden baggage....
Deanna, Thanks for clarifying a couple of points. I simply can't imagine how you must be feeling, considering after three decades of marriage you stumble across a part of your mate, which was previously unknown to you. Just the mere task of sharing and seeking advice, even among virtual strangers, is healthy in my opinion. I hope you have or find a local outlet to reach out to as well.
Is he truly sorry for the years of dressing and infidelity, or just sorry that he got caught? Actions speak louder than words, and it's way past saying I'll stop doing this or I'll never do that again. If it were me, I'd want to know everything, and more importantly, what he was going to do change. I'm not suggesting that he give up crossdressing, as most here would agree that it's simply a part of who he is as a person. Chances are he would be miserable trying, and ultimately guilty of making a promise to you that he couldn't keep. Besides, you've already stated that the cding wasn't the big problem here. The issue here is the cheating, and given the time span and condoms found, it's more than "touching" and bi-curiosity.
I feel you should know what this marriage means to him moving forward, and an acknowledgement of how his improprieties has impacted you. What are his plans to give you a better understanding of who he is, and of himself? Give him the space and time to write you a letter, including an action plan on how things can help him, and you as a couple. If he can respond to or post an ad on Craigslist, he surely can write you a letter, and it had better be a good one. Saying " I won't do it again" isn't good enough, imo.
Oh the more we learn here the more damning it gets.
The condoms means sex so he has a gay side. strike one.
Lying all these years strike two.
Cheating on you with men strike three.
Personally the cheating and lying would be enough for me to walk out on him or show him the door.
Being gay myself I am still pretty conservative about a relationship I would be devastated if my guy did any of those things.
I feel sooo sorry for you I really do and what you are going thru is just awful.
Like it has been said before his crossdressing is not the issue its the lying and cheating.
Deanna - thanks for reaching out for different opinions. I agree with most that he will not stop dressing nor seeing other men (or will become very frustrated). My wife has always said that if I cheated on her our marriage would be over - there would be no recovery. I have a great wife and have never been tempted to stray :)
From what you stated the dressing is probably something you could learn to cope with but for the infidelity -- where is the line for you? Once you reconcile that within yourself then the other issues can be dealt with through open/honest communication (w/ or w/o a counselor). Is this man someone you wish to remain with after knowing about his infidelity. I am not separating the infidelity between a man or a woman - cheating is cheating. The fact that he was meeting men may also be an issue for you but that is secondary, as is the cross dressing, to your thinking on the infidelity.
There is not a right or wrong answer - the true answer for you lies within you. I wish you well as you work through this.
Hugs - Karen
I'm going to fast forward. Meaning I'm skipping the other comments. He's cheated and I expect he's not in love with u. This is not about crossdressing. It's about him not caring about u.
I'm sorry to say, your marriage is over. U can stay together as roommates, but sex and intimacy is probably off the table at this point. I've been there!:sad:
I really am sorry!:brolleyes:
If he has been sleeping with God knows who you are putting yourself in danger of an STD if you have sex with him.
If someone did that to me (and I am not talking about the crossdressing), I don't know how I could stay with that person. He didn't come out to you with this, he got caught. That means the lies and cheating would have kept going, on and on... How does that trust get rebuilt?
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
I agree with everyone else that the marriage is over. Cheating and having sex with who-knows-how-many other men for 15 years. Wow. And he only came clean because he got caught!
Reverse the situation: How many husbands would stand by their wives if they found out that their woman was cheating on him with untold multiple partners over 15 years? Nobody.
Your husband's lies, deception, and infidelity has ruined your marriage. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
I am with everybody else here sad as it is the time has come to cut and run. The condoms alone shout out sexual promiscuity, Tracii has it right what about an STD? you wont know you have one until its too late that is if he has got an STD.
But all of this moves into the realms of cheating, infidelity, lies, deceit and selfishness and deep down does he truly love you in a proper heterosexual way.
I am so sorry for you but think everything has gone down the pan for you marriage wise, you need to protect yourself now.
I wish all the very best of luck, I see no easy way out of this.
Unfortunately, he has been having sex with men. "Mostly touching", yeah sure, he's at least using his hand to get them off, probably more. He's acting out as a girl during sex. I think it would be hard to stop for him if he's been doing it 15 years. I have the same fantasy at times but haven't done it, I'm married, and just can't. If you love him that much, and he can stop, maybe there's hope. Frankly, I don't see it.
Well, for me as a CD who cannot do with men, I only can estimate about the future of his CDing. I'm sure this will not go away, I tried to forget but it comes back in weeks, months what ever.
That he cheated you with men, is hard. I think it's like CDing, maybe he can controll it for a time, but like CDing it will come back. I'm sorry but this is my opinion.
Well, everyone else has said enough that I don't have to repeat.
Your husband was just a self centered jerk for going outside the of marriage for fleeting sexual gratification.
Anything else, especially the crossdressing, is just minor and can be worked out with loving couples.
I would never say that my opinions are anything other than my personal points of view. I explained to my wife that I wanted to dress and she accepted that giving me licence to really engage in clothing hair and makeup. But even with acceptance it was incredibly difficult to tell her everything i was thinking and feeling. The shame and guilt were immense. Fortunately she allowed me to let out a little at a time so I did not have to try to sum up some feelings and ideas that span my life in a single conversation. My point is if you really need to hear the whole story i think its necessary to give it time to come out even if it is not what you want to hear at times. With that said there is a completely unrelated issue with trust and fidelity although crossdressing may have served as a gateway to the activities it is not the reason it is only a vehicle for getting there. I hope you can find the common ground that brought you together in the first place and use it to decide how and if to engage your future together. Its a choice you both need to make and participate in. I do hope you both give it a good try and without knowing either of you I offer my love and hope for healing.
Cath
So lets Wright this person off then!
I have condoms!!!
Oooh shock horror!!
I've never slept with anyone, let alone another male whilst in my relationship/Marriage!
So I will put a condom on then dry the lube off it!
WHY? you ask?
I Enjoy my Dressing self and with that, the chances of me getting wet when I Dress are Quite high. Didn't really want to put this out there but I wear a condom at times so I don't have wash my whole outfit each time I dress.
Just another thought!
Stacy!
Deanna,
Sorry to say it, but I'm not sure if there's enough left of your marriage to this man that's worth saving.
The crossdressing is not a big deal, of course. As most of us 'ladies' will be quick to tell you, a hubbie in touch with his feminine side could be a good thing, and (if handled properly) enrich the relationship.
I'm not even too worried about his not telling you for all this time. Many of us have lived in terror of being 'outted', rejected, and possibly worse all our lives. Keeping in the closet is almost instinctual - especially with those who can hurt us the most. Yes, it would have been better is he'd been able to come clean years ago... but I understand how hard that can be.
What really bothers me is his meeting other men. Especially now that I know he "loves to dress up very sexy and turn men on" and found men to meet up with via an ad on Craigslist. The final blow is that his stash box contained condoms.
Don't be fooled hon, the odds that he's engaging in sex with these men is almost 100%.
"Mostly touching"? Please. What does sex involve if it isn't all about 'touching'? About the only spin I could put on that comment is that he's saying that he didn't have any emotional attachment to any of his 'johns'. Is that supposed to make it better???!?!
Having been cheated on before, all I can say is this: serial infidelity is an ABSOLUTE deal breaker for me. The rest of the stuff is just that - stuff.
The serial infidelity, and the health risks you've been unknowingly exposed to, are an appalling breach of trust.
I see no reason to believe him if he promises to give up his extramarital activities.
Time to lawyer up.
I wanted to make a statement about his use of Craig's List but I really don't want to be banned from here.
The slimiest, scummiest people use CL for sexual hook ups so your hubby is running with the lowest of the low and all I can think of is Ewwwwww.
I feel so bad you are having to go thru this its just disgusting. I feel dirty talking about it.
I share the concerns that pretty much everyone is expressing here, but would stop short of recommending divorce -- that's a decision that shouldn't be left to strangers on the internet. You have to make that call.
Michal can I ask you what are the pros and cons for a gg to live with a gg? I have never tought of it like that, I always tought if I came out to my SO it would just be the end.