Told my daughter, Mistake or?

Hi Judy,
Since you asked, it’s your right to tell your adult daughter what you want. Probably wasn’t a good idea to ask her to keep it a secret which was evident by her telling her brother.

Your wife may be furious that the kids know but sounds like she is furious anyway. That said, it sounds like she may be suffering as much as you are but for different reasons. Nothing good can happen with so much anger going on.

Others have suggested therapy. If both of you want to save the marriage, it sounds like a good idea. Both of you need an open mind to achieve any positive results.

My SO and I separated for a short time before things settled down and we realized that the real issue wasn’t CDing but behavior while CDed. My SO did some minor modifications as did I and we now have an great relationship.

Anyway, best of luck to you both.

Purging will not solve anything. Need to talk yo wife about counciling.

Judy, do you really love your wife at this stage of your life? Seriously! Be honest, Judy. Is her constant anger something you can live with for the rest of your life? You have some giant decisions to make.

Char GG mentioned that she and her CDing SO separated for a while, and they worked things out a bit. If you are financially able to separate for a period of time to really and deeply consider your future (you only live once!), you might consider doing so. During that time apart, if any positive progress is being made between you two, then consider appropriate GD counseling, separately and then together.

But such a step, to be sure, relates back to my opening question .. do you truly love your wife (I wonder if she truly loves you). Just saying.

Hi Judy,
Just chiming in once more.

Not sure what your situation is regarding employment. If both of you have self sustaining jobs, this post is probably not relevant. If your wife depends on you for her livelihood, her anger may be out of fear of the unknown. Since she only found out a couple years ago, not sure how much communication and/or education she has sought about CDers.

I just feel there must be a component of fear for her to be so angry. If you or a therapist could find the root cause of her discomfort, maybe you could achieve some level of compromise.

Quote, "Wife has been very angry with me since she basically found out two years ago that she married a cross-dresser. So arguments about anything since then have always lasted over a week."

You have said that your wife is very angry. Anger is an emotion, and is the result of another issue, obviously. Somebody is not angry, because they are angry, they are angry because of things like rejection, abandonment, loss of control, shame, etc. You need to get to the bottom of the issue and find out exactly what is causing the anger. You and many of us here are assuming it is the result of your CD'ing, but it could be for another reason, or reasons. That is why seeing a trained counsellor would help to get to the bottom of the issue. Let's face it, through many of your posts, many of us get the feeling that your wife rules the roost, maybe she doesn't like you doing things beyond her control. It's only a matter of time before this blows up again, wouldn't it better if things happened before it gets messier.

Gillian,
Been there and lived through that one . Sometimes you have to call it a day , maybe stand back and take a good look at the marriage aside from the CDing , which also means putting aside you own guilt feelings . I had other issues which were festering I can't say with certainty but I do wonder if my wife only used the Cding aspect as a final excuse . We all know when the kids fly the roost they leave a vacuum , often couples can't fill that one living together , I became the scape goat for so many issues Cding was possibly the straw that broke the camel's back !!

Telling people whether family or friends and in my case making use of pictures was just a desperate attempt to come out , I knew it had to happen . That has come round and now bitten me but it's now too late to make any difference , was I fair , was I selfish or was I so desperate I didn't care ? I gave my wife the chances to be there so we could try and work through it but she wouldn't let it happen and I can't see it working in Judy's case . The timescale is really irrelevent two years or twenty the damage is done and there is no way back .

It reminds me of a wedding I photographed where the brides parents gave me some abuse over the pictures , the bottom line was they didn't like who their daughter had married and I'd produced the evidence , everytime they looked at the pictures they became angrier , after six months the couple split up anyway . I can't help feeling Judy's wife now feels the same way, when she sees Judy because she possibly has the vision of her being dressed . Purging will make no difference because the problem hasn't gone away Judy's wife isn't stupid she's fully aware of that fact . I still can't see counselling doing any more good than it did for me because she will put up the same brick wall , she isn't the one broken so doesn't need fixing .

I would try and look at it this way,
You no longer have to worry about them finding out, nor can your wife use it against you by threatening to tell them.

It's been a little over two weeks since I told my 23 year old daughter and 26 year old son were told and so far the inter action with son and daughter are the same as they've always been.
The only time they've ever seen me dressed was years ago on Halloweens but, so far so good.
I don't know if it's because my kids know and told my wife "it's no big deal" but the SO has been nice lately.

She hasn't asked if I'm still dressing, I think she's afraid to know the answer. I'm afraid to her tell to what extent I dress to because when she's mad she does her best to punish me!
I was on the coach for almost two weeks.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs

Quote, " Wife said I'm a deceiving, lying, ******************!"
Quote, " I think I better PURGE before my stash puts another nail in my coffin!"

I think that all the nails are already in place, she is just waiting to put you into the coffin and close the lid! You may purge, but the itch will probably come back with a vengeance, just like it has in the past. I don't envy your position having to choose between your marriage and CD'ing. The choosing will not be easy, all you have to do is ask yourself who wins the battles in your household and will the next time be any different!

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I disagree, Gillian. Hearing what has now transpired with both Judy's daughter and son, the choosing now should be extremely easy. Clearly, Judy's wife is now the "odd person out" in the family with respect to her deep hostility towards her crossdressing, and the abuse that she has heaped on her over the years due to it.

I had a similar epiphany not so long ago. Both my adult children know that I crossdress, and they each found out separately some years ago under less-than-ideal circumstances....namely my wife "outed" me to them as a revenge/control tactic in the course of two of many particularly nasty fights that had taken place between the two of us over the years and which had started to spin out of control at the time. Much to her chagrin, both kids took this news in stride with a "Yes, and...?" attitude in their response, and the topic was never brought up with them again. Furthermore, this "revelation" did not change my relationship with them one iota...I was then - and still am - their Dad. Period.

A few months ago, tensions arose again in our family when my wife and I were not on speaking terms for a certain period of time for unrelated reasons, and that had spilled over into causing our kids undue stress due to the prevailing foul mood in our house. In the course of a "hashing-it-out" session involving my daughter, my wife, and myself, my daughter - knowing how controlling and obstinate my wife can be - suddenly blurted out a statement to the effect of "...and why are you giving Dad such a hard time over this crossdressing thing? It's 2018. Nobody cares!" Coming out of the blue like that, it left me momentarily speechless, and we quickly moved onto other subjects rather than picking up on that point and delving into it further. In other words, a situation very analogous to Judy's.

It did, however, serve to remove any last vestige of guilt and shame that my wife had tried to instill in me over the years due to my crossdressing, and which I had already begun shaking off on my own. It also helped me come to the realization...belatedly, unfortunately, after all these years...that the REAL issue here was not so much my crossdressing, but rather my wife's innate controlling nature which tolerates no deviation from the norm along with her own rigid worldview and sense of right and wrong. In many ways, the crossdressing was just a lightning rod, (or smokescreen, if you will), to her. In short, while we may still practice DADT on the surface as a way of keeping the (sometimes fragile) peace between us, I will not allow that to interfere with my crossdressing beyond that.

More to the point - I will NOT be bullied into either giving up my crossdressing or embarking on a purge. Any decluttering or disposing of any unneeded/unwanted items of my female clothing (mainly to make room for new items) will be my decision and my decision alone. As for a complete purge at some point...no way, no how as long as I have anything to do with it, as we all know how well that works in the long run. No, that final purge only ever gets done on my behalf by someone else, and only once I am six feet under.

Take heed, Judy...your daughter and son have now handed you a golden opportunity to stand your ground vis-a-vis your wife over her out-dated views on crossdressing, and she has effectively become isolated from the rest of your family in this regard. Seize the moment, stand your ground, take inspiration from the brave ladies of the #metoo movement, and be like Peter Finch's character in the movie Network of some years ago who - in a moment of sheer frustration over the way his life and career were going - flung open his window and shouted out to the world at large "I'm mad as h*ll, and I am not going to take this anymore...!"

Perhaps you need to purge something other than your clothes. I hope your daughter and son tell your wife they know and don't care. Perhaps that was a big issue in her mind. I would suggest accelerating the nail in the coffin by wearing a pretty outfit this Halloween when handing out candy to the neighborhood kids. Maybe your wife would stroke out. Of all the marriages and strife posted on this site for all the years I've been here, your situation is the worst I've ever read. All the other bad marriages have ended with divorce or separation, and, people (husband and wife) had a chance to go on with life.

Don't purge all your lovely dresses.

PS: I had to add a post script. One of the things I have not read in any of your posts is any effort by you to directly push your cross dressing in her face; an attitude of intentionally displaying your feminine self with a "take it or leave" as you sit in a dress watching television. I do agree with Leslie that it is a control issue.

If you want to save the marriage (and if she does), get counseling. If your marriage survives or not, it'll be worth it.

With the exception of the last quoted post, which is about purging, I have been of the opinion that Judy's SO is a control freak. The problem of control freaks is the fear and intimidation that they are continually spewing out all over people. There is an expression in my end of the swamp that goes, "$h!t, or get off the pot". Well Judy, maybe it's time to do one or the other! "Give me liberty, or give me death", is about coming out from under those who want to be in control!

Whether your children stand with you regarding your CD'ing, or your SO, only you can determine.

Try to see how to make everything go slower and more calmly now, then remind your wife about what you are (I don't mean the CDer part, but rather who you integrally are), talk to her, but being careful, the worst approaches to take now are the defensive one and the offensive one, go for a peaceful route, show her how much you love her and anything that reminds her of everything you both have gone through. Once that's done, the counsellor idea someone said is a good one.