Is Support About Being Honest or Should We Just Lie Not To Upset Anyone?

I believe pretty strongly in the old adage, "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." I don't comment on the majority of the "do I look good" posts, unless there's something truly extraordinary about the person's presentation, and I can genuinely compliment them without hesitation. And if I do feel a need to be critical, and think the poster can handle it, I will focus on one - and only one - detail to comment on. I try to be gentle even then, introducing my suggestions with "maybe you'd like to try ..." or "it's not really my style, but ..." Gentle and slow corrections over a long period of time seems to me to be a more effective and humane way to teach than blasting away with both barrels.

- Diane

FYI there is a term for this on trans subreddits. It’s called “Hugboxing”. It’s generally frowned upon (even bannable in some subreddits) because you are giving people a false sense of how they appear which could lead to more serious incidents/ safety issues down the track.

Good post!

I don't think people are coming to this website to become a punching bag for someone's brutal honesty we get enough of that out there.

This has been a peeve of mine on this site as well. I have not originated many posts, mainly since those that I have I have gotten some good, constructive responses along with responses that are abrasive. As far as replying to posts, I was counseled for saying a simple +1 to a comment where I wanted to add emphasis to another persons post. As a guy I can take a lot of comments because I really don’t give a sh*t but if I am going to take the time to do all that it takes to make myself look like a woman and then go through the effort to take pics and post here, then I’d appreciate honest constructive criticism. If I have responded to others situations, I always try and put myself in their shoes.

So, bottom line in my book is if you ask for feedback be careful what you ask for. If you provide feedback, remember what it was like when you were in their shoes, and if you can’t remember then you shouldn’t be providing feedback.

I endeavour to be honest, giving positive advice when deserved and negative advice at other times.

Generally the negative advice is not harsh but encouraging unless the respondent is known to me or is able to understand the humour behind it.

Sometimes I do not reply as I have little knowledge of the subject or when commenting on photographs they are so poorly presented that it is better not to comment at all.

i think there is no absolute rule that can be applied, sometimes a person may post a picture and they are looking for genuine feedback and want and expect constructive criticism. Other times its more about here are some pictures of me, in this cases perhaps negative comments are not wanted. Then there are others posting pictures to shock or elicit controversy ( I stay far away from commenting on those posts lol).

Well, the responses are all over the place and nobody is likely to change their mind because of what someone else says.

What is "support"? I have posted comments and gotten nasty replies claiming that I am not supporting someone. In my mind, of course, I thought I was supporting that person. An example would be someone who posts a photo of themselves all dolled up but with obviously male hips. Obviously a man regardless of the boobs, hair and miniskirt. If I suggest hip padding, I get flamed. In my mind, I am helping them. So now, I try to resist the temptation to be helpful, knowing I'll probably hear a bunch of crap about it.

The best thing to do is ignore the post. It's a shame because if we don't get suggestions from others, we will never improve. That makes this forum less of a support forum than it could be.

I agree Krisi.
I ignore 60% of the posts these days.
I don't make near the comments I used to just because people are just so darn sensitive these days and they can't take an honest opinion for what its worth.
In my mind I was trying to help by pointing out this or that but oh no they have to get butt hurt and claim I was bashing them.
I was bashed mercilessly by a few members when I can here but it helped me step my game up.
I didn't get all bent out of shape and act like the world was ending.

Krisi,
Maybe I owe you an apology over the lower padding issue , I possibly read it wrong when you suggest it as it implies everyone needs it . Some may say I need it , I see myself with a slim female figure , my shape is in balance and that's what really matters . A broad shouldered guy needs to somehow trim his top half down and build up his lower half to achieve that balance so he doesn't have a choice but to pad up. The assumption being he wants to look right when going out in the RW . The only problem is we are talking about comparing ourselves to a perfect woman , whereas in reality many women struggle with their figures .

Hi

As a general rule in life, whether it’s about a crossdresser’s presentation, or an employees perofmance ... I try to give any feedback that could be negative in private (eg a personal message).
“Bravos” are public

I think that this is especially important in a forum like this where so many of us already get a large ration of “disapproval”, adding public humiliation from a sister seems counter productive (constructive criticism can be taken that way).


Fran

I am, unfortunately, often the voice of the black cloud. When I see someone getting their head to far into the pink fog, I feel obliged to help them out of it. I know that sometimes this might seem mean, but hopefully it prevents them from making the mistakes that I have.

Edit. The problem with 'don't lie', is well, that everyone lies. It's just that they choose what to lie about. Each reserves the right to deceive for themselves, and no one tells their SO everything about themselves; it would be impossible to; you'd have to go over your entire life. We tell others that which we feel they need to know. Stole a candy bar when you were 7? No one would think that was important. Worked the electric chair in Sing Sing for a few years? Massacre 25 civilians during wartime by accident which results in nightmares? That's different.
And then, we have to face the reality that if we DO tell all, in most cases we're relegating ourselves to a lifetime of loneliness because so few women can accept us. Not one of us thinks that's fair, because she certainly expects that we have to accept whatever SHE tells us about herself after the fact, but not the other way around.

I tend to confine my comments to general issues or to how easy and enjoyable it is to go out and try stuff on before buying. It is dangerous to advise someone on their relationships because you can never know the full circumstances. Usually "don't lie" and "always consider her feelings as well as your own" would cover it. I very rarely comment on how someone looks. Yes, some members look awful, but so do some GGs and you wouldn't attempt to tell them how to dress better. Live and let live. At the same time I don't think you are doing someone a favour if you tell them they look great when they don't. The reality is you are not going to pass if you go anywhere people will look closely at you or hear you speak. Unless you can walk like a woman you will be seen as a man even from a distance so one of the biggest give-aways is not evident from pictures. There are only a very few who pass and it doesn't matter. I don't think the ones who don't dress well or go out as MIAD (me sometimes) let the side down. The more of us out there the easier it will be for the next ones.

One of reasons I like going out dressed is the feedback I get from women. It isn't always favourable. The blouse I have on right now got a thumb down from a boutique owner - I still like it though the make is one with a frumpy reputation - Eastex. It was done politely and by drawing attention to how wonderful the rest of my outfit was. I am currently on a Facebook site where women comment on each others outfits with a rule that it has to be polite so suggestions are made. I use this name on it but am open about being male and I get wonderful feedback - from clothes-conscious GGs - what's not to like? It is a closed site and only open to customers of a particular styling service. This service has male clients too (as males) and when one wanted to join there was a discussion about whether or not this should be allowed. I reminded them there was already a male member and the support was fantastic. Apparently one member had put a scowly face next to a picture of me in a dress, I hadn't noticed but they had words with her and she said it had been a mistake. They introduced a rule that no one was allowed to be mean about gender expression and the man who wanted to join was told he could as long as he accepted the discussion was about womens clothes. So if I want feedback on an outfit I would go there rather than here (never posted a picture on here - don't even have an avatar).

Thank you kindly for all your responses. x

I prefer courteous constructive honesty. That is if somebody looks a mess, I try to look for the positives first. But also give the best advice I can where I feel improvements can be made. After all, it is difficult for most to pass. That is how I prefer folk to be with me anyway.

If I have nothing constructively positive to say at all, then I prefer not to comment. Like the old saying, if you have nothing nice to say, then just stfu.

Keira no one was saying that courteous constructive honesty was not being given but that does not seem acceptable. x

I also respect the right to one's opinion, but do not always agree, including your post. If if see a post that is damaging I will comment as such. If it is just one's opinion that causes no harm I stay out of it.

I can accept criticisms,if given in a decent manner.I don't believe there's many here that seek to do it to be nasty.In most cases advice given here is honest without being horrible.

I'd rather be told I'm presenting myself less than my best as it's,in my opinion always given honestly,without any intention to demean and in any case I think im thick skinned enough to not let it affect me adversely I mean I wouldn't be crying myself to sleep over it.My wife is my biggest critic and is very honest,brutally so when needed so she will tell me if theres something amiss and I take everything on board and will do all I can to correct it,i mean how else do we get better at this Crossdressing carry on

Sophie

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Originally Posted by Vicky_Scot

I have noticed that it seems to be the preferred policy on this forum to lie to someone about your opinions just to keep the Status Quo.

Someone posts a thread and you read it and you think this is not right or the person is in the wrong but it is getting to the point that it is better just to agree with them and tell them they are doing the right thing etc so you do not get accused of not being supportive or just right blunt. >>SNIP<<

Unfortunately there are a number of members on here feel that unless you are a favourite or you do not say the right thing then you do not know what you are talking about or if you dare to be truthful about something you are sanctioned by admins. Real shame.

>>SNIP<<

Love to you all. x x x

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In my opinion, there is a strong bias to be positive for all behaviors that are presented on these forums.
Obviously, this forum is designed to be supportive of the CD/TG community, and therefore, blatant negativity is discouraged, as it should be. Trolls are not welcome and are beheaded before they can do damage. The Mods here do a wonderful job in keeping the place friendly.

However, I feel that if someone is engaging in behavior that is detrimental to the community at large, beyond the bounds of these boards, anything that could be considered less than positive is discouraged here. If a CD/TG posted that they appeared at a children's playground, dressed like a 'professional girl' and complained that they got run out of the area, a lot of members here would be in an uproar, claiming that the individual's freedom to express themselves was being restricted, and how dare the people who felt it was inappropriate should object.


We, as a community, often seem to feel that "our" rights take precedence over others rights. At least, that is what I often perceive, not only on these boards, but in the real world as well. We often forget that we are not the only people in the world.

I don't usually say anything if I have nothing good to say. I will give an opinion sometimes when it is an either or question and it isn't a total train wreck