Coming out?

A structural problem is that crossdressing is an act, and not an identity marker. So we have a circular problem- without definition of why we crossdress, there is no argument for identity, so people don't embrace us -as they have no clear framework in which we fit- and therefore understand it. Then we hide because no one understands us- and then others see us as having something we feel we have to hide.

SAs embrace us because we have an identity- buyer.

Also therefore the question- "Did you lose a bet?" That's easy to understand.

Someone might ask - "Are you gay?" " TG? " as long as we aren't looking fearful or uncertain.

I've always thought "coming out" to others was no more than a cry for self acceptance. If my wife or my friends or my family accept me, then everything is alright with me. I passed the self acceptance hurdle decades ago without potentially ruining or losing my relationship with friends, family, neighbors or coworkers. I view a lot of things in life as "risk vs reward." What would I have gained if everyone knew about Stephanie? Would I head off to the neighborhood BBQ en femme? Would I lose friendships? Would neighborhood kids be counseled to avoid my wife and I?

My suggestion is to find an support group of like minded individuals to express your en femme side.

I have struggled a bit with this. I am out to my spouse, therapist, stores where I shop and many of my friends. The story I tell is that I have a strong feminine side and that it's a big part of who I am as a person. That is generally understood and accepted. I love it when friends ask questions about it because it shows they care and want to understand. I want to come out to my parents, I am 53 they are in their mid-late 70's but up until now have had difficulty with the story. I want it to make sense and seem compelling but not make it seem like a lifestyle choice versus identity.

I am out to all my family, including grandchildren and ex spouses. This includes many friends of the family. But not to any of my close friends or social contacts. Not sure who, if any, of them would be totally accepting. Would love to have them know and a few in in the neighberhood. Them I could dress freely. But after all these years in is no use. Wife is totally accepting as long as it is secret to her friends. I have been out in public many times, but that urge has wained.

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Originally Posted by Teresa

Alexandra,
How do you feel about flying solo and how would your wife feel ? Does she accompany you to give you confidence or to keep an eye on you so it remains in her control ?

Rogina raises an interesting point but from your reply it doesn't appear to be something you've given serious thought to , that is why I pose the question of going solo . A year ago I felt more like a CDer going out under the TG banner , doing it everyday I no longer feel it's crossdressing , in fact I feel the labels don't matter in the RW , if I was back in my school days my name tags would now say Teresa , that's the only label I need to use now !

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I have been out by myself, and my S.O. is fine if I do that. She accompanies me because she enjoys the company of the people we meet up with. All of the CDs and TGs we've met are wonderful people, and we enjoy spending time together over a meal and a drink.

I responded to Rogina that I'm talking about coming out as a crossdresser, i.e., someone like me. I should have been more clear in my original post. I'm mainly talking about occasional or "weekend" crossdressers like myself. I've met and read about occasional crossdressers who keep it secret or are in a DADT situation that they are not entirely happy with. So I was asking if more occasional crossdressers (like me) came out to more people (that we felt comfortable with, I'm not advocating that anyone take any serious risks), would that, over time, make it so that less occasional crossdressers would have to keep it secret and live in fear or shame. Since I'm already out to my S.O., the main benefit I see in my situation, as I tried to explain, is that I'd be able to talk about one of my passions with more people in my life, as I would talk to them about the other things I enjoy doing. Simple as that. In my case, I don't see it as a "cry for self acceptance" as Stephanie suggests.

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Originally Posted by phili

A structural problem is that crossdressing is an act, and not an identity marker. So we have a circular problem- without definition of why we crossdress, there is no argument for identity, so people don't embrace us -as they have no clear framework in which we fit- and therefore understand it. Then we hide because no one understands us- and then others see us as having something we feel we have to hide.

SAs embrace us because we have an identity- buyer.

Also therefore the question- "Did you lose a bet?" That's easy to understand.

Someone might ask - "Are you gay?" " TG? " as long as we aren't looking fearful or uncertain.

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Thanks Phili, I see your point. But I'm thinking we don't usually have to explain why we enjoy doing something (playing golf, watching sports, collecting antiques, etc.). For reasons I don't understand, I enjoy dressing and going out a few times a month (I am a "weekend" or occasional crossdresser). It's just something I enjoy doing, I don't feel like a woman or want to be woman. I would just like it to be possible for fewer people like me to be able to not do it in secret, but be able to talk about it to as many people in their life as possible (if that's what they want, like I do).

" is that I'd be able to talk about one of my passions with more people in my life, as I would talk to them about the other things I enjoy doing."

Alexandra,

The above comment caught my attention. I don't see other people really wanting to talk about someone else's life as a crossdresser. Yes, they may want to ask some questions once in awhile about it, but as a topic of regular conversation, I do not think so. The reasons I see for that is that at this time it is still not common nor accepted as a normally accepted activity. You may need to talk with others about it, maybe close friends, but they may eventually just be listening as a courtesy to you versus actually being into that conversation. I think that for the time being it still may be outside their normal accepted topics.

I also agree with your reply to Phili. I don't see it as a circular problem. Regardless of how we may self identify, others will identify us when they see us dressed, fully or partially, as the opposite gender. They may think that we are a crossdresser, a transsexual who is transitioning or has transitioned, maybe someone just weird, or someone very courageous who just just being themselves and thus gaining their respect. Thus we do not need a reason that others can identify to go out, because the end result will be the same.

I agree with Leslie in that location plays a role in why some of us fear acceptance. I would love to go out, get a makeover, and “stretch my legs”, so to speak. My problem is that I know too many people. Along with that, many people know me because they know my father. And I’m in a relatively large city. For me to go out in public, I’d have to go to Dallas, Houston or New Orleans. I don’t think the conservative population of where I live is as accepting. I don’t know for sure, but let’s just say I’m not willing to tempt fate. From being on this site, it looks like many southern cities are very trans-friendly, but outside of the larger metropolitan areas, I feel there’s still a “good ol’ boy” mentality that rules. Please understand I’m not saying all the south is this way. Tolerance grows with each generation. I just still see and hear things that tell me my area of the country isn’t as progressive as other places in the U.S.

I just want to be a girl to everyone in my life! I love being Roxanne, and I have so much to give as her!
Roxanne, Female at heart!

Alexandra,

I think your approach is basically sound, but I also detect a little bit of newbie excessive enthusiasm. That is not entirely bad and I think you are taking a good approach. There have been many excellent contributions to your questions. I think you are taking them in well.

There comes a point in this journey where most us experience a desire to tell everyone. But the experience of others has shown that to avoid creating some horrendous problems for yourself and your loved ones, be careful about who you tell. Many use the "need to know" approach in selecting who is told and who is not told. I completely agree with you that if those of us who are CD or TG and have not come out in public would be helpful for all if we did. But, as with many "revolutions" and "revelations" the early adopters can get trampled and their lives ruined. I believe that social transition needs to be done carefully so there are as few casualties as possible. I have come out to a lot and found coming out to some was a big mistake that takes a long time to correct. I can't recommend that path. Consider your choices carefully.

Gretchen

Unfortunately, the current administration has reversed a plan to put questions about sexuality and gender no-conformity in the upcoming census questionnaire. While many in this forum are resolute in their declaration that they are straight men it would would have been an opportunity to get some numbers that might benefit the community. The invisibility of any group hinders it's acceptance. Despite the recent gains in acceptance, gender non-conformity in whatever form will remain a victim of the mass ignorance and denial of facts that's become normal in our culture.

I told My wife I like to cross dress after 14 years of marriage during a particularly difficult point in my life. I just didn't want this secret from her anymore in addition to everything else that was happening. It did not go over well. We ultimately stayed together and are happy today but we do not talk about this and I don't dress openly in our home. She was also upset that she had to now keep this secret so I told her to talk to her mother about it. Her mother, who can best described as a very open minded child of the 60's was firmly in my wife's camp that this was weird. I then told my Catholic parents and sister (and brother in law) and they were openly supportive of me and told me they still love me and accepted me. We don't ever mention it at family get togethers (as is the Catholic way :)

I went to a therapist who did a fantastic job explaining to me that dressing in clothing does not hurt anyone or make you a bad person. Then each day I would go back home to my wife who understandably was not attracted to the idea of a man who wanted to present as feminine sometimes. And I went to my hyper masculine job where I would be ridiculed and ostracized if it were known that I liked to wear women's clothes. I wouldn't have been fired but work would be terribly unpleasant if I came out. So while my therapist was right. I'm not bad and I'm not hurting anyone. But that didn't change my reality.

There are a lot more stories on here of loss and negative social repercussions than full acceptance and living happily amongst society wearing women's clothes. I am coming at this as a person who feels the strong compulsion to dress as the opposite sex from time to time. I'm am very comfortable as a male and happy to present as one most of the time. This would be a different story for a person who identifies as female or is strongly considering changing their gender. For my circumstance, I will stay in the closet for now.

The hardest part of coming out was coming out to my wife (who was the first one I came out to). Since then I have accepted it and I have no problem coming out but my wife places restrictions on how open I can under various situations. For me, I just want to be who I want to be, and while I ready my wife is still sometimes hiding me in the closet and it sucks.

And regarding the initial questions if we have a responsibility to come out to make it easier for others, I say no. You should come out if that is what is best for you. Yes it can help the acceptance of others, but you shouldn't feel a burden for others by not coming out yourself.

Coming out vs. Telling the truth

When I first met my wife I unfortunately had previous relationships which some knew I crossdressed while others, I kept it a secret. I’ve learned that keeping a secret of who you are truly, will only make things worst for both.

On the 2nd day of meetings my future wife I took a serious decision. That I’ll be honest in the relationship without waiting or creating excuses. I told her that I crossdressed, that I enjoy wearing women clothes, those seconds of waiting her reply were not easy at all but you must remain honest for yourself and the person that you care, love.

Her reply was that she accepts it and that she wanted to continue seeing one another. From a relationship to husband & wife, I’ve made the right choice on saying the truth of who I was.

I am aware that this is not all black and white for many out there but remember to be respectful and caring because the answer will be there of what you must do.

I like my male self. I also like being a crossdresser. Love the time dressed. I don't really want to be a female, at least not permanently, I just want to dress and present as a female. I am jealous of women. They are admired by most everybody. There are times that I wish I could be a woman.

Can you imagine what the world would be if sissies (cross dressers), were accepted equally and opening as tomboys in a professional working environment to religion and into politics? That would be really amazing and an open mind world. Which may happen by the year 2340 if we do not trigger WWIII or WWIV by then.

In the meanwhile, the internet is our virtual environment and home is only a part time possibility with a touch of opportunities. Well... if I were rich without the need to work or being depended on bringing food, clothes, ...etc,. I would crossdress opening and publicly in a snap and I would bloody hire a professional person to find the right things to dress me up into, for makeup too and get my hair removed on my legs, treatments to have beautiful skin... etc,.

If only, back to reality people! :)

I finally came out to my mum a few days ago. She did not initially take it well when she saw me. She gets it now and is more understanding. My sister and niece have been more supportive when I recently told them. Although my mum told me a night or so back that my sister (who lives just across the street from me) is worried I would go through her undie draw when she is away on holiday, eewwww. Just, NO! Besides, I can afford my own undies, lol.

Coming out really is a difficult thing to do, and a very brave thing. Yes there will likely be those who will never accept it. I am glad I’m single right now. Means I can look for an accepting woman instead of being stuck with someone who hates it. I did recently split with my longterm gf over other immigration issues (she is USA, I’m UK) but we are still close friends (with benefits), and is still due to visit me soon. She is tolerating and accepting, but I guess because we are not officially together now.

My dad and brother when they find out however. Well my bro is far-right wing, and they both look down on me anyway due to my mental health problems. Me and my dad don’t talk anymore but he lives down the road with his family who hate me too. That’ll be fun (not) when they find out. But hey, they will continue to harshly judge me forever anyway so what the hell. Not everybody does.

I went out properly during the day earlier this week and visited my niece, as Keira. Just my luck all the teenage kids were just leaving school. Lads bantering around and such. But they all just walked on by without even a second glance, not even a snigger. I don’t think I even pass that well. But what acceptance. Had to wait over half hour for my bus, and had a great evening. Loved the bus and walk home. But I am still wary, the neighbours don’t know yet and am still new to this new found freedom.

The nice thing about coming out means that there are no secrets. It means that there is no mad dash to change when the doorbell suddenly rings. It means no more purging, especially if people accept you. It sets you free. But it isn’t easy and totally understand why many never come out at all. But I find it makes for a more miserable life, makes me feel like a perv with a guilty secret. I am feeling it does slowly become easier when you do come out, as I am finding. I know I suddenly feel a lot more relaxed and at peace with myself now.

Ive not told many but most of the surprising reactions to finding out about my dressing have been positive and come from even more surprising people,But I know full well that if i pushed this info to many more people that wouldn't always be the case as I could pretty much gauge most of their opinions on such things,so I've really told everyone that needs to know

Sophie

I’m in a DADT with my wife of 26 years and I’m sure she knows everything. I think about the right time to talk to her about Celee or even just about CD in general and then she tells me about her friends son who she found his sister’s dress in his closet. She then says that’s really weird so I dive back into the closet and think should I say something or just be quiet like I know nothing.