Actually I have been telling people that I am a lesbian for years. I absolutely love women. Well, not all of them......
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Actually I have been telling people that I am a lesbian for years. I absolutely love women. Well, not all of them......
Some people seem to try and talk themselves into being transsexuals. I never understood why.
Quote:
Originally Posted by michellecd9999
Wow....this explains my journey "EXACTLY"....It was about a 10-year trip but, yes, I am now at the end of this "spectrum"
Carisa,
I can understand the desire to fully explore where your dressing can take you. I've written before that I decided I didn't want to be on my death bed thinking "I wish I'd....".
Hence although in the closet to all including my SO I've explored the boundaries of my CD'ing. I've spent extended time enfemme out and about, met other CD'ers socially, used public transport, ate in restaurants, gone to the cinema and of course shopped to include using the female changing rooms.
This all happened over a number of years, building success upon success. I would call it a sort of organic progression.
So my advice would be to take whatever steps you feel comfortable doing and expand your envelope at a pace both you and your SO find comfortable. When you find yourself in some state of equilibrium, a place you're comfortable with, that's your spot on the spectrum.
I started like most trying on my mothers clothes when young, the urge cane and went over the years as life tends to get in the way. But for the past ten years have I have grown to accept who I am and we?re I believe I want to go. I have a video appointment with a Dr to discuss HRT tomorrow. I am very nerverous but at this point in my life I believe it is time do something for me. Not sure we?re this will go but I am excited to persue.
Generally, I would consider myself "Just a CD", but I'm at the far end of the crossdressing "spectrum". Once, about 10 years ago, I was seeing a therapist. She listed a bunch of transgender activities and I was supposed to rate them as:Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_Highwater
Green light - I've already done them, or would do them if I had the opportunity
Yellow light - I might do them, but I'd have to think about it
Red light - I'd never do those
I found that list a year or so ago, and discovered that not only had I done all the Green Lights and all the Yellow Lights, but I even blew through most of the Red Lights. Like Helen, I've I've explored the boundaries of my CD'ing. I've spent extended time enfemme out and about, met other CD'ers socially, used public transport, ate in restaurants, gone to the cinema and of course shopped to include using the female changing rooms (except going to the cinema). I've met about 1/3 of my friends here FtF, and I even went to the Maryland Renaissance Festival dressed with thousands of other "normals". I've shopped with a GG friend, and even shopped boy in boy mode and girl move with a GG SA helping me. I went to yoga class for years in women's clothes (typically a very femme pair of leggings and a racerback top).
But, even with all that, I still consider myself "Just a CD". Or maybe I'm gender fluid, because I'm so happy when I'm out, dressed as a girl.
Would I ever transition, I doubt it. I don't want to give up my guy side. So. to each his own.
I
Carisa, forget the spectrum! This is a journey and you will always follow the path! You may stop by the wayside from time to time but the journey will go on until the day you are gone! I went from totally naive to crossdresser to non-binary to T-girl and am sure the journey will continue! It is good to think this all out and a counselor is invaluable! I am on HRT for 17 months and am in the process of changing my name! You must process all of your life and where you want to be and who you want to be as well as the rest of your questions and a counselor helps with this! Wishing you all the best with this whether crossdresser or whatever-be sure to be you! Virtual Hugs Lana Mae
I think the concept of a "spectrum" suits gender dysphoria / Transgenderism but not "crossdressing". That is to say, transgenderism is distinct from crossdressing and so men who like to dress as women but do not see themselves as women do not have a place of "that" spectum.Quote:
Originally Posted by LilSissyStevie
Hi Carissa, against some odds and a comment here, I'm a transexual but I always have time to read threads like yours with an honest question that I had too.
I'd learned from many here that labels are not good but human beings are rational creatures related to each other for words. Everything we see around has a name if we don't know the name we are naturally curious to find out the name or label of that thing.
To define some abstract issues as feelings and action nor reactions is more complicated because we don't see them. So when we start experience feelings or have reactions and desires beyond of the label we received when kids we need to know the answers. It's normal curiosity. It's the search for an identity so we humans start grouping ourselves with people with similar feelings and attitudes, in goups of fans of a sport team, or a singer, etc. but when we find ourselves not easily fitting in the big group of gender we were told to belong when kids is a contradiction, so it's ok to look your "spot in this spectrum". Thanks the time we're living we can talk about spectrums when we talk about gender and sexuality because in other century you would go to jail or a mental facility.
Someone recomend you go to a counselor or therapist, excelent idea! But they will no tell you what you are, they willare just help you to find out who you are.
In my case, after reading tons of books I found out I wasn't a "normal man" but a bisexual crossdresserand. Later I found out I was a transgender woman but no bisexual, now I talk about being transexual , so which spot of the spectrum I belong to? Had I been changing and using or stealing other's spot in the spectrum? No, because there's no a defined spot. You're you, there's no other like you, no body else can use your "spot".
To read other's experiences and and learn about their labels will help you to find yourself just learning that you're not alone, you're no a weirdo but a lovely human being that's intrinsically unique and deserve to be loved but first learn to love yourselves not asking for acceptation but accepting yourself in the way you're now, tomorrow you will be different and of course the day we leave this world we will be a very different person from the one we we're born.
I keep coming back to read here looking for people as you that are disoriented and confused as I was. I always will have time to answer honest questions for those that need answers but remember my answers are just the product no of a college degree or deep reading but just my experience, so live your life, without fear, you're for sure a loved one for someone out there, you're not alone and your space or spot in the world is so big that goes with you wherever you go.
Mho.
Devi
Throw a dart at the chart and pick a spot....
Kidding, but I wouldn't give too much credence to a spot on the chart as I know in my case and I think many others it's more fluid than fixed.
When I was in puberty I'm sure it would have been classified as a fetish as I was very turned on by lingerie and it was very sexual. Later it became more complete dressing and a desire to "look" like a woman.
As I have aged I've found that it's so much more for me and I've moved farther down the scale. At this time I still don't know if I've reached my "spot" of if this will keep going and I'll transition.
The only constant in the world is change.
I spent a long time thinking about this and trying to discover myself. It turns out because of my significant other I found where I am on the "spectrum" and I love that I occupy this space, and that she supports me in that space. I am a cit-het male, but I love feminine things. I love my nails painted and wearing cute "womens clothes" like skirts and heels, and she completely supports that side of me when I'm feeling like it. But I found its like wearing my favorite t-shirt to bed, I like to wear it, it makes me feel comfortable, but I don't need to wear it every day. But she supports me on the days that I want to dress and we have discovered a new connectedness over discussing things like nails, makeup and clothing. I have found that some days, for no apparent reasons, I want to feel cute and wearing womens clothing and being feminine help me with that and the fact that I have an encouraging SO has been awesome
So how does one find their spot on the Spectrum? Of course everyone's experience is different and I can only speak for myself.
When I was a youth I went through a period of gender dysphoria. I was also terribly introverted, and had an inferiority complex. Being a boy made me feel unlovable and handicapped. My place on the spectrum would have been a transgender in need of sexual reassignment surgery.
As a teenager I was strongly sexually aroused by the feminine, and especially by females themselves. My crossdressing interests were to become female - but only for a while. At times I preferred to be male. However crossdressing also meant being female.
In my 20's crossdressing meant passing as a female. There was no point in going half-way. I didn't think of myself as being female. I was male, but crossdressing meant looking like a female.
In my 30's and 40's I could no longer pass as a female. However the desire to crossdress didn't end. The fact that I didn't pass wasn't important. The sensations were still there, so I would do the best I could and settle for that. I also got married to a wonderful woman. She tolerated my crossdressing the best she could, but was never really comfortable with it. At this time I also determined that my wife's happiness was very important to me.
In my 50's and 60's I realized that there was no magic with the feminine clothes. It was my brain that made me a crossdresser. When I wear feminine clothes my brain releases a host of feel-good neurotransmitters that produce the sensations I believe I need. Now in my late 60's I find that a pretty dress, a slip, long youthful hair, and other feminine things are mere tools to help release the feel-good neurotransmitters. I don't care so much about how feminine I look. What matters is that crossdressing makes me happy.
I found that my place in the spectrum isn't fixed. Crossdressing is a complicated part of me. For that reason I can only tell you not to rush into anything. If you are thinking of making a MtF transition please seek consult with a good therapist first.
This is so true! :thumbsup:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracii G
Carisa: A few months ago i finally stopped worrying about what "category" i was and started being the person i really wanted to be. I've no idea where that is on the TG spectrum and it really doesn't bother me.
I now feel so much happier and far more confident.
Just be you and enjoy it! :)
When it comes to finding my place on the gender spectrum, I keep thinking of one of those gadgets they sell in the gift shops.
It's a pendulum that has a magnet on the bottom. In the middle of the base is another magnet that keeps the pendulum's magnet from simply coming to rest at the bottom.
This keeps the arm of the pendulum swinging and bobbing in crazy, unpredictable motions - trying to find a balance between the opposing forces of magnetism and gravity.
Remember these?
For me, I'm the pendulum.
My nature (gravity) would have me settling quietly in the middle (full female).
My magnet would be my physical body (male).
the opposing magnet would be social conventions, inner beliefs, anything that says a person in a male body can't live as a female. It all pushes me toward Male.
So - I don't have a "spot" on the spectrum. I wobble around. I draw near female, only to be pushed back towards male, again and again.
I will admit that I AM in a relatively quiet spot. The wild swings have diminished and I only dance around the edges, in my balance zone. but it doesn't take much to start the arm swinging again.
My latest 'nudge' was reestablishing contact with a friend who has known me as both Sara and "him." I found myself wondering if -just maybe- life could have been different.
And the bouncing continues...
As Teresa said losing the guy opens your mind. But it doesn?t place you on a spectrum. IMHO.
You are on a journey of discovery that never ends. It has many paths and twists. Sometimes you take a path then realize it is fraught with danger or that you have to travel that path alone and you back your way out of that path.
Keep in mind that along this journey one path you chose included joining forces with another team member to take the journey with you and their consideration of paths you two choose matters.
There is no spectrum that you have to place yourself on during this journey because it will move and change with your learning and comfort level.
Placing you on a spectrum would be someone else?s thoughts as they saw you at one point on your journey. Next time they see you they may categorize you another way. Leave that to them and enjoy the journey along your many paths.
Alice
I add my voice to those who have said there does not need to be a spectrum or even a journey. Just be who you feel and be appreciative of the feelings of those around you (especially at the moment). Just because you wear certain clothes does not mean you have to take anything to the next stage. Many of us have no intention of taking hormones and we know we will always think like this. Some of us can dress as much as they want in terms of how much effort and how much time are involved. I have ticked off everything on my bucket list and what I like doing most has not changed - I like socialising or shopping with GG friends and they know I am male as do my beautician and most of the shops I frequent. If I get another partner I would be happy to setback a but and be who she wants me to be part of the time - relationships are about compromises. I suspect I would find any requests to cut back on the dress wearing or bra wearing less stressful than (perfectly reasonable) requests from her for more wardrobe space for her clothes. Above all don't think your dressing is more important than your relationship - take account of how your partner feels - you are expecting her to adjust so it is only fair that you do the same. I do not regard my huge wardrobe of womenswear and accessories as a problem. Once you respect your relationship with your clothes more than your relationship with your partner your dressing does become a problem. So be calm, be cool, keep dressing but stop stressing.
I don't believe there is a spectrum where some members feel they are superior to the rest of us because they are further along it and we will all eventually progress to where they are. I do believe in finding my own happiness and living as close to it as possible.
Carisa,
From the late 60's through the early 90's I thought of myself as a transvestite but evolved to identify as a crossdresser. Over time crossdresser seemed inadequate. Eventually I explored transgender, non-binary and other identities. It wasn't until about 5 years ago that I realized I related to TG, but that too seemed inadequate until I came across the gender spectrum concept, which that made sense to me. I identify as transgender near-female.Quote:
...did anyone have an experience where they did not 100% transition and knew that they have arrived at their spot on the great spectrum between male to female?
My transition was mental in accepting my true gender identity. I am comfortable in male (mainly at work) and female clothing, but I prefer the latter. I am a work-in-progress feeling comfortable with my identity.
I hope this helps.
Great analogy.Quote:
Originally Posted by SaraLin
Carisa, here's my $10 worth. (I rarely give just 2 cents!)
To answer your first question, there are zillions of members here, a large majority, I'm sure, who never did transition, never wanted to, and never will! So it's more than possible that your "journey" of discovery won't take you very far! You may well find out that "where you belong" on this spectrum is... exactly where you are now! Just as I have, for one. You might be "home" already.
Second, about the spectrum itself. I appreciate some people's doubtfulness of the "spectrum" idea. But most of all I agree wholeheartedly with what "Li'l Stevie" had to say. Let me be clearer about this in my own way.
The idea of a "spectrum" is a definite advance on the notion of gender and sexuality being purely binary: that we're either male or female and there's no "in between." In reality we certainly can be "in between"!--and for some people, not sure whether they're closer to one end or the other!
However, the concept of a spectrum is only a first step toward true precision. Because a spectrum, though better than a choice between two points, is still only one-dimensional--when as Stevie pointed out, we humans are multidimensional in our character traits.
The problem with any simple spectrum is that often it's a mere summary of other factors, all wrapped up together to form a kind of average, while obscuring all the details that went to make up that average. Suppose it's about a movie or a book. Somebody says "The plot was great (five stars), but I hated the characters, or the acting (one star). So they end up giving it three stars on a spectrum; but what does that tell us about what was good and what was bad? Or else a load of viewers' and reader's opinions are averaged into a "middling" three-star rating. Yet that tells us nothing about who liked it or didn't like it, and why, and whether or not we might like it ourselves.
Same way with rating a car. say. All kinds of factors go into the rating: design aesthetics, speed, fuel economy, comfort, size, safety, reliability, ergonomics, accessories, options, price and value. A simple overall rating from 1 to 10 tells us nothing about what was good and what was bad--and why this particular car might or might not suit our own particular requirements.
Nothing is so simple, even if we ask a seemingly simple question, like "which vehicle is faster than another?" I owned a car that would do 130mph (still do, actually) and a motorcycle that would do a few mph over 100. So which was "faster"? The "obvious" answer would seem to be "the car." But hold it for a minute! In a race together away from a stoplight, the bike would leave the car in the dust! Up to 60-70mph at least, anyway. How come? Well, the bike had a higher power-to-weight ratio, along with other characteristics; so it would accelerate faster from a standstill. But as speed increased, the bike and rider, with their higher profile, would start to suffer from drag due to air resistance, and for that and other reasons would eventually "run out of steam" compared with the more streamlined car, which would eventually overtake it.
So if we have a spectrum labeled "speed," which of the two is "faster"? We can't say, unless we specify what speed range we're talking about.
It's the same with any "gender spectrum." Speaking of speed, is Danica Patrick (who lives here in Arizona where I do) any less a "woman" because she's a great racing driver, a traditionally masculine sport? Which of many aspects of yourself could be considered "more masculine" or "more feminine": not just your tastes in clothing, but your ways of thinking, your emotional makeup, your hobbies and interests, your preferences in friends, your sexuality )which itself has many dimensions), your politics (dare I ask that here?), and so forth? These are questions only you can answer. But while they might all be averaged together to place you in a specific spot on a "gender spectrum," it would still never define YOU as an individual.
Speaking of politics--in a discreet way I hope will not be censored for violating the rules here--this reminds me of the time I traveled to a business convention, and on that occasion our cheeseparing boss was too cheap to pay for us to have hotel rooms to ourselves, which never happened to me before. So we were forced to "double up," and I was roomed with a guy who was admittedly decent enough as a human being. I'd been acquainted with him before; we happened to have similar cultural backgrounds, and a major reason we were paired together was becaus we were both smokers, at the time. (I gave up smoking fifteen years ago, but that's beside the point.) As "similar" people, who might be placed together on some spectrum, we ought to "get on well together," right?
As it happened, NO! We weren't in the room together for five minutes before he happened to mention a political issue he was annoyed about. And would you believe, it was an issue that annoyed the heck out of me too--for the precisely opposite reason! I was in violent disagreement!
All I'm doing is to illustrate how we are multidimensional human beings, You might be very different from another individual who is similar in other ways, even if he/she could end up being placed on the same spot in some "spectrum" as yourself. So don't let yourself get tied down to a spot on any spectrum, imagining that's the be-all and end-all of "defining yourself." It isn't.
Third, who's to say you always occupy the same spot on any spectrum anyway? That's an aspect that several of our good members have touched on already. That in my mind is where the term "gender fluid" comes into play--or should do, if it's used correctly.
People toss so many terms around today that it's hard to know what they all mean by them. Or indeed, if they all mean the same thing by them--which in my mind is highly doubtful! No wonder people have problems communicating, understanding, and agreeing with one another when we're not clear what we mean, or use different terms to mean the same thing, or the same terms to mean different things!
"Nonbinary" for instance ought to mean nothing more than "I reject the concept that we have to be either male or female, and I acknowledge that there's some kind of spectrum in between." But is that all that all that some people mean when they use the term? More relevant here, rightly or wrongly, I have a suspicion that some people have seized on the term "gender fluid" in a vague, confused way to mean anything "nonbinary," when it ought to mean something more.
Specifically, "fluidity" implies motion. It means a flowing back and forth. It doesn't mean being rigid and static, staying in one place. It's like water sloshing from side to side in a bucket. Or if that's too grungy and mundane a metaphor, to wax more lyrical on the topic, it's like the tides of the ocean rising and falling.
In spite of rising and falling, rocked from side to side by the Moon, the ocean still stays in the same place overall. (Ignoring all this stuff about "global warming," rising sea levels and whatnot.) So if you're floating in a boat and the tide's receding, you might feel you're being "washed out to sea" at one moment: apprehensive no doubt, yet possibly adventuresome at the same time, thinking you're sailing away on a voyage into the Great Unknown, even the wide blue yonder of transsexuality. For some, perhaps they are. But for others it's no more than a quick trip until the tide turns, bringing you back to shore again.
That's what it may be like. You may have a "place" on the spectrum, around which you grow to feel "centered," while there's always a "washing back and forth" around that central point. At one time you may feel "more female," at another time "more male." This to me is what "gender fluidity" means--or ought to mean, to make any sense. Your "journey" may turn out to be more of a commute: back and forth, back and forth between two places that define, not your "point" on a spectrum, but your range within that spectrum.
Whatever we call it, it's your "home range." Your range can be small, or it can be large and all-encompassing. It's not important to find your "spot" on a spectrum. That's a small ambition. What's better is to find your home, possibly your grand estate on that spectrum.
Good luck. I hope you find it.
I don't view gender as a linear spectrum anymore. That got me in way too much trouble because I could never stay in one place. I wandered all over the place in the full range of the "spectrum" as I adapted to different circumstances. It is far more complex than a linear spectrum.
I reject the gender binary - in nature, there really no such thing as male or female (masculine or feminine) gender. Those are social categories used in some cultures but not in others. Neuroscience has figured out that it is all blended together and there really is very little difference between men's and women's brains. What differences there are may be rather striking sometimes or just noticed more because society has defined gender based upon the differences and very few of the similarities between men and women which are vast. Furthermore, because our brains are adaptive and can alter their own configuration to suit certain situations (male-like in some situations and female-like in other situations and genderless in others) your place on the spectrum is constantly changing and, at the same time, brain plasticity (its ability to physically alter itself to suit different circumstances) is directing those alterations. So, where you fit on the "spectrum" is wherever it is that you feel an inner comfort and satisfaction with consistency between the circumstances, be they specialized or generalized, and how you think of yourself in that current condition. If you feel dysphoric then there is a mismatch. So, under this concept, you need to ignore most of the social expectations and avoid getting locked into a fixed place. Instead you lose your concern about your location on the "spectrum" and simply accept wherever you are on the "spectrum" if it is comfortable for you at that "location." But it is all self-regulated by and underlying genetic configurations that defines generalized limits on you and you alone. Those limits are unique to each person. Some are very wide, others a bit narrower, but the blend is always unique.
When I stopped lurking and started posting last year I thought in terms of a spectrum that included others. After I started therapy with a gender qualified therapist those thoughts of finding my rank among others morphed into finding my true self.
I like to dress in women's clothes but I'm not much of a shopper, don't dance, like to stay under the radar and never was flamboyant as a man. My dysphoria is as more about feeling good about who I am when I look in the mirror than being admired by others. As a guy I've always been jeans and t-shirt and as a woman that wouldn't change except the jeans and shirt would be woman's wear and I'd wear a bra. I'd be more content with myself to see breasts when I stand in front of the mirror naked than to go out on the town dressed to the nines. I'm a private low key person who'd rather shop online than go to the mall in a dress and heels and I don't equate going pubic as necessary as I never had that desire as a man.
My crossdressing and obsession with feminine grooming is what I refer to as issue #1 with my therapist. I use the term issue because as uncomfortable as it makes me to present as male the thought of turning my life upside down at 68 is still more troubling. With me it's like two things on a scale, on one side is dysphoria and femininity and on the other side not wanting to upset the apple cart late in life. The scale has always weighed heavily towards the status quo but has gradually tipped towards the feminine. I'm not sure where that puts me in the so called spectrum because my focus is on being true to myself and being happy and not on where others are on their journey.