My mom told me about my fathers crossdressing. (How) do I bring this up with him?

Very thoughtful caring daughter.
My hubby two grow daughters rejected him after the ex told them, but the ex wife did it for revenge.
My daughters totally supported my hubby.
As far as everyone saying your mom should not have told you.....that is because in this community it is just how it is both have to be in agreement on who knows. That is where everyone is coming from/ many CDs have had such rejection and heartbreak from family members so know that is where they are coming from.
But i do like the idea your mom clueing your dad in to you being receptive and maybe also she could say you would keep your dads secret.
Best Wishes I think it will work out for both of you.

Just to add everyone is giving their opinion from their personal experience.....you asked and they are helping the best they can from their perspective and real life .

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Originally Posted by Nadia Wren

My question is, what was the documentary? Was is about CD?s struggling or coping with it? Or some over the top RuPaulish slant on CDing?

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Hi Nadia, thanks for your kind words and your question. It was a beautiful human interest documentary about a crossdresser from the same part as the Netherlands where my parents are from, a region that is very proud of their own identity and is known for their hard labour and not sharing of emotions. This guy was actually a CD'er for the most of his life, and the makers of the film showed the struggle and route the man and his wife had of accepting each other. It was so beautiful to see the love between these people, coming from this little no-nonsense village, let's say not like Amsterdam and the steriotype that people have of The Netherlands at all. And the man came out now in public onder a new name as well. He was still judging at the local car races, in his new appeareance, and all the people there accepted him. My mother was so overly touched by the documentary, also because these people where from their home region, that it somehow just came to mind that this might be their story. And that's when I knew and accidently put her on the spot.

CuriousDaughter,
I see this from two angles , some are saying your mother betrayed your father but somehow I feel she needed to tell someone , in that context it's wonderful she trusted you to understand . I feel the conversation should continue with your mother in her own time naturally , she may be really struggling inside to come to terms with the two sides of her husband .

He is also caught in a dilemma , and also try and understand how hard it is for him , he is obviously a strong person in male mode but needs to show another side which he may prefer to do for much longer than he does now , he's obvioulsy too concerned to tell you .

My own background is married for 45 years but separted two years ago , I came out to my wife in my forties but she didn't accept like ypour mother . My daughter knows by a silly accident and is perfectly OK with me in fact I've been out with her to shows and shopping I also go out with her with her daughter . My son know but has never seen me and my grandsons don't know at all as far as I know .

The point I'm making is when the lid is finally off the box the World doesn't fall apart , I did my bit as a husband and father so I'm still respected for that but now I have a different life which is working out OK .

There are two sides to this , if nothing is said will it be regreted later , think about what is the worse thing that can happen . OK it's more to do with your father's life than yours , to me the bottom line is how much happier would your father be if he was openly accepted ,? I know I'm a much better and happier person , OK I live alone now but I haven't lost my family or friends in fact I now have more friends .

I can see maybe having your Mom mention something to him about all of this but there is a main theme running all through all of what you wrote and that is YOU and what You want.
You seem to want to invade his "sanctuary" of dressing. Its the one thing he does for himself so why not respect that?
The reason so many of of the CDs here say to leave it alone is they are male and they have dealt with just this kind of thing for a lifetime.
Women on the other hand think differently they worry about where "they" fit in a situation with family,they cannot leave things alone.
Please don't get mad at what I say and its not a slam on you personally but what I said has been my experience in life of 67 years.
Basically its a mind your own business kind of thing and if he wants to share it with you he will of his own accord not by you forcing the matter.
I am just trying to get you to sit back and think thru all of this and not do something you might regret later.
The part of the world where you live makes no difference really progressive or not men are men the world over.

well well well , as life would have it this is my story on this , i have been married 43 years with two kids , my wife is supporting not to just me but all in our group.
we talk about if we should tell the kids and we decided not , they have enough of there own stuff so don't burden them with our stuff unless we have to. in a heated issue with my daughter about things in the room , my lovely wife blurts out thats not all my stuff , you you know your dads a crossdresser. so my daughter
says duh do you think i am stupid. so a few days later my wife says did your daughter talk to you about the other day, i accidentally told her you were a crossdresser.
i said no , so i called her on the phone ( by the way she was 26 years old at the time) and said i hear mom through me under the bus and her comment was dad she didnt just throw you under the bus but she put you under the wheels. i said well what do you think , her answer was so what. she supports me and my group just like her mom, she gone to trans picnic , pride events , ect. she is a happy bubble , i ask her to go to event with me and her and she said / and go see a bunch of grown men in dresses , i am in. hopefully you can see my pitcher of how it happen and its result . not every ones will be the same but it can work out.

oh and one of the best things at xmas my wife always buys salley something special and so dose my daughter now , that makes dad a happy girl.

my response to you is if he doesn't know you know leave it alone he will still fill safe. my opinion and filling safe is golden, happy choice

This documentary sounds intriguing, is there any way people in the states could see it? is there a name, source or some way we could track it down?

Some have thought your mom went overboard by sharing, but in the context I think it would have been wrong for her not to share. Another approach would be to share your impression of the interesting show you watched with your dad and especially how it effected you, but do not put him on the spot. Just offer how you might think it would be interesting to talk to someone who shared some of the characteristics of the show focus people. Leave it open ended, do not ask him if he knows anyone you might talk to

Curiousdaughter, I could see how the documentary resonates with you and your Mom, but it is kinda like a closeted CD in male mode clocking another dresser in public and thinking that they should say something to them because they have a secret. I?m in the camp of let sleeping dogs lie.

Just a two cents about the allusion made by some posters about a daughter possibly imposing something on her father that he doesn't wish. True, but also true the other way around: her father may want to but have concerns telling her about his secret in case she wouldn't want to know (Curiousdaughter mentioned his fearing of kids' response). This could go on for a while. Trying to untie the knot with the help of her mother like suggested here and there seems one way among others out of this deadlock situation.

Must agree with Diane and others. No parent wants their child to be ashamed of them. Others, an aunt, for example, know of this aspect of your father. You and your mother have established a dialogue about the issue. Why not continue talking to your mother and tell her about your feelings and how you would like to share this with your father? Your family sounds like a caring group of people. Most likely your mother will talk to your father. Following that, he will be in control of what happens next. If he tells you, tell him you love him. And hug your mother. If he says nothing to you, then you have an answer, also.

Great advice Laura912

I'm going to go against the grain here. Your father is showing some traits of crossdressing to everyone. Nails, boots, etc. You don't have to tell him you know. Next time you are around him and he has painted nails, etc., you could wrap your arms around him and tell him you don't care how many feminine traits he has. If he makes a joke about it, or crossdressing, tell him, "why not, could be fun".

I must say that all of your comments give me so many more input on what to do and how to relate to it, so I'm gratefull for all of your reactions. Laura912, your words summarize the words and intentions of others that respond in this tread so kindly and full of perspective for me, thank you for that. It really helps me. And AmandaM, in a way I would love to do that, but I don't think I can do that, for the weirdest reason: there is something about discussing forms of expression in my family that I never could really pinpoint and that I have accepted and put away, but are more in my mind now because of the fact that I know my dads outfit preferences. My dad always dressed very authentic; with the earrings and all the stuff I already summed up. But when I show forms of authenticity in my outfits, he can freeze up completely. I have for example 12 piercings, including a septum nose ring and a microdermal between my shoulder blades. Ofcourse nothing like CD'ing, but still, important to me and my identity. Whenever I have a new piercing, my dad doesn't talk to me for days. Eventhough I all got them as an adult and am very serious about aftercare, and also only have piercings that I can hide in public. That while he pierced his own ears with a hot needle. My mom sometimes made comments about his stubborn stance on this, saying: "You love to dress the way you do, but your children can't?" He then still doesnt say anything, just stares grumpy in the distance. I always thought this was because he himself is a bit of a butterfly outfitwise, and he doesnt want to have his children expierince the same discomfort he sometimes goes trough (he well damn knows his mother doesnt like his earrings and jewelry). And the funny thing is, by that stance, I always felt he treated me the same way his mother does to him. And now I know of his dressing preferences, I really am like: my dear father, can you pleeease tell me why you belittle my expression forms, when you damn well know how sad it is when you have to hide? Piercings are ofcourse not a big deal as CD is in our society, I get that, but this is wat his secret does to me and why I have some family/heritage/roots questions now. I also know that my dad was very scared to be a father, he just said 'Don't all dads have that?', and now I am really curious if the fact that he was so scared of bringing us in the world, also had something to do with his CD'ing. So while I get that a lot of people here state that this is about his life and his wellbeing, and I agree that it is about him primarily, it also does something with my life questions secondarely. And I would never say that I am entitled to some right to discuss this with him, but I would love to be able to.

I am in my 70's and have 2 daughters; 26 and 34. 7 years ago the younger one moved in with me full time. After nearly being "caught" by her a number of times. I began to dread crossdressing!:doh:

So, I told her, my other, older daughter, and my ex. Both who live out of state. The daughter who lived with me said it ruined her image of me. And, that she didn't want to see me dressed or to discuss it ever again! :sad:

She recently moved out but we r still close. Unfortunately, crossdressing and socializing with other dressers has become the focal point of my life. The fact that I can't discuss the joys of dressing, my T friends, and the odd, funny things that happen means I have to hide some of the best parts of my life from her. I find this heartbreaking every time I see her or we chat!:doh:

I keep hoping she will finally grow up enuff to send me a note saying she's ready to talk about my dressing if I ever want to discuss it sometime. She likes to dress up and look nice. Just as I do. We could be so much closer if she would let me!

If u want it? I assure u, all the negative, judgemental nonsense posted here; with the "she said", "he said"", and "shoulda woulda coulda's" means NOTHING if the 2 of u could just sit down and talk about it together like adults! I would LOVE that so much with my daughter!:hugs:

Hard question to answer for anyone else. I think you could ask your mom and respect her judgement, whichever way she advises. For myself, I appreciated being open with my step daughter, and not having to this part of myself from her. My other children know, but its an abstract and distant thing for them.

CuriousDaughter,
From your last reply your father does have more going on and possibly needs to open up in some way . I don't want to appear harsh or outspoken but I see you are and adult woman in her early thirties but you are still being treated like a child in some respects .

I hope you don't mind me asking but do you still live at home , if you do is it possible to move out and give your father the space he obviously needs and also yourself . I'm not sure if age is also a concern but if he really does need to come out more the clock is ticking for him .

Your mother does appear to caught in the middle , she possibly needs your support especially as you father has also struggled with being a parent . He really is a closed book that needs opening up .

Hey Sherry, thank you so much for your comment, I can feel your energy coming off the screen! Love to hear that some would actually like to share this with their kids. While I now really feel I have to explore the conversation more with my mother, I am delighted to hear in a way that some have the desire to share. In a way, from a selfish stance, I really would like him to share and trough this forum I am exploring why. Don't get me wrong, all dear people here, because I have that desire, that doesnt mean I would ever just upfront confront him.

Also, what crosses my mind now: the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Someone in this tread mentioned that daugthers are likely to grow up to be like their mothers, and while that was put in a bit of a vile way, I realise now that it might be true in a positive perspective: I have a boyfriend for some time now, and we love to do make-up on each other. We really take the time for it, pour a glass of wine and some nice snacks, listen to good music and beautify each other. I came up with that idea, just as a fun thing to do, and he was totally down for it and now requests it by himself. I would ofcouse never discuss my fathers secret with him, and I also don't tell my mother/parents about the make-up sessions we have, for the same reason that I dont tell my boyfriend about my father. But it does come to my mind that my BF might like more female stuff than make-up, now I know of my father. I am in no way, shape or form bringing this up with my BF because I feel we have a loving bond enough to tell me that if he wants to, but I do must say that when I am with him, I sometimes giggle inside and think: you have no idea how close it hits home for that I am now building a loving relationship with a man that likes make-up, since my mother does that for over 40 years now. But yeah, all of this does result in the fact that I am searching for clues if and how to take a role in these matters.

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Hi there Teresa, I must say that I agree with the fact that it is to me so weird that we are a loving, open family in so many ways, but my father does completely shut down when it comes to self-expression. I live on myself, I moved out to study in another city and live in a student flat when I was 18; quite common here in The Netherlands. I now have my own house, car, dog, garden, the whole shabang and also do see myself as an adult. It also feels that for me, my parents transformed from my upbringers to my adult dialogue partners, but it might be that for them, their children never really transform in their eyes, because they where already adults when I was a child and therefore, I haven't changed much in their opinion (logically that they where adults, ofcourse, but I don't really know how to express it any other way in English, you might get what I mean). So yeah, I would love to build an adult relationship around mutual acceptation, and that is one of the motivations why I am exploring if and how to deal with this.

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Originally Posted by Curiousdaughter

That being said, for me the main objective, and the reason why I am looking for insiders perspectives, is the fact that my mother told me explicitly that my dad doesnt want to tell his kids because of fear of our response, and not out of autonomy. He doesnt see it as something that he does in secret because he likes the secretness of it, he does it in secret because of 'the others'. And to me, that is heartbreaking, I wish that we could all live in a world where we feel safe to express ourselves like we want. I would love for him to be free in exterior choices whem I am around.

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It would break my heart if later in life I found out I had a daughter who wanted to share this side of me and didn't because some people on the internet advised her not to. I'm closeted for the same reason your father is, sounds like.

U r obviously a smart and experienced woman, Curious. U know enuff to keep family secrets from your boyfriend and vice versa. However, I was a plain man for 50 years before I first tried on women's clothes. And, I can tell u this. When I first married my ex wife, we went to a big Halloween party. With her dressed as the man and me, a women. That made such little impact on me it wasn't until I had been crossdressing for 10 years that I even remembered that nite!:eek:

My point being? If u dressed up your boyfriend and it does nothing for him, he's simply a plain man. U can't turn him into a crossdresser by putting a dress on him!:battingeyelashes:

So, if you're not worried about him already being a CD? Putting him in women's clothes sounds like it could be a fun nite!:heehee:

CuiousDaughter,
You have raised a good point , my wife has never let my daughter (41) and son (39) grow up , they are both married with children living in their own homes . My wife had heated arguments with my daughter because of her acceptance of me , the penny had finally dropped that they are entitled to make their own decisions as adults . It's sad to read you consider your relationship now as sparring with your parents , I guess being honest sparring more with your father .

I wonder if I'm lucky in wanting to be totally open and honest about being TG , I feel now it has worked out much better for everyone , OK it also took counselling help . Just to add a final comment I never got on with my father , he had the problem not me but we never discovered what it was , I just tried to be the opposite and it has worked out OK .

Hi there Theresa,

So glad to read that you feel that everything worked out for you and your surroundings. And sorry, I now see that I chose 'sparring partner' wrong. In Dutch, sparring partner literally means someone where you can have good conversations with and share ideas with. And because it sounds so English, I thought it was the same in English. But because of your reaction I google'ed 'Sparring partner in English' and I see that it has a very agressive connotation in English. So that got lost in translation! We actually have a good relationship and I see them as equal, but they, as you pointed out, don't always see that the same way and my dad shows that in his disapprovals of my way of expressing myself trough piercings (not to even mention my brother's, in my opinion very nice, tattoo's).

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Haha, Sherry, that might actually be fun indeed, CD'er or not! We might give that a go :D And now I think about it, my BF really likes wearing my glittery socks and he borrows one of my cardigans a lot (not the most female thing I own though, ghehe).

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Also an interesting perspective, Rhonda. I do must say that the people who say: Don?t!, dont make me not want to explore any further. I think that the idea of discussing it further with my mom is a good one for now. And do you mean you didn't come out because of internet stories/reactions? That is very sad. It is an interesting way to do explorations via the net or forums; when you don't have developped your own stance yet, it can be a logical thing to one-on-one take on the stance of another person. That's why I like it so much to read so many perspectives here, it helps me form my own opinion. Thank you for sharing!

I see a little deeper into why this is bothering you but still from what you have written its all about you.
What you said about his reactions to your piercings solidifies my point saying all your problem now is you and you are making it all about you.
Things you have posted are centered around you and how you feel and what you want.
Why your Dad acted the way he did is his business and just to add I was scared to be a Dad the first time that is normal for a man because he is embarking on a strange new part of his life.It takes a man to admit that.
Just pointing out what I see in your writings.
Wouldn't it be easier to just let it go and stop harboring a little resentment against your Dad?

Curiousdaughter, lots for you to think about from other replies. What I will suggest is that if you do bring this into the open don't add any extra bs on top. At the moment there are several overlapping secrets. Your dad is hiding this from you and doesn't know you know. Your mum is presumably keeping secret from him that you do now know. If you decide to open up the discussion, then with your mother's permission you (or your mum) should reveal how the subject came up. I don't agree with the option to manipulate a reveal by "accidentally" discussing gender issues, as that would still leave the secret between you and your mother.
Also, bear in mind that even if you bring this into the open and say that you are okay with it - it doesn't mean anything has to change. There would be no need to push for a fashion parade or shopping trip. It would just mean that there's no need for your dad to get stressed about it around you.
Good luck
Susie xxx

Curiousdaughter, I haven't seen this particular suggestion appear in the comments so far, but to me, the answer is patently obvious...

Your mother knows, you now know, and your father has been open about his crossdressing with your mother for years. Not only is she fully on board with it, she is also fully supportive. Yes, part of the reason for that may be selfish (it makes him a kinder, gentler, more empathetic and less "uptight" partner when dressed up, as well as more agreeable to be around), but either way, he can be comfortable around her and not feel ashamed or distressed about his unusual proclivities. Many of us here should be so lucky.

Like many others here, I, too, have grown children (a girl and a boy), and both are only slightly older than you. Unfortunately, my wife's attitude towards my crossdressing ranges from tolerance to hostility and we have continued to keep this "secret" under wraps as far as friends, family, and the world at large are concerned throughout our decades-long marriage. The only exception are my two children who found out on separate occasions about 10 years ago when my wife decided to impulsively "out" me to them to get back at me during two of the many nasty fights that we have had in the course of our marriage, and where my crossdressing was frequently thrown in my face. Luckily, my children are as accepting and as nonchalant about this whole crossdressing thing as you are, and they subsequently assured me that it made no difference in the way they regarded me as their father. The matter has not been brought up since, and life has proceeded as before. So yes, a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" situation with them as well, but at least they are in the know, and this revelation wouldn't have come as a major, unexpected shock to them if something happened to me now (think: unexpected death...secret female wardrobe suddenly discovered etc.). But the bottom line is - life didn't come to an end for either me or themselves as a result of this revelation, even if it was made under rather unfortunate circumstances at the time.

All that said - and drawing upon my own personal history - it would seem that the best, least risky course of action for you to take would be to have your mother drop strong hints to your father that the time may have come to reveal this side of him to you and your brother. After all, he is 73 years old now (I, myself, will be 72 shortly, so I can fully relate)), he can't expect to live forever, and does he really want to leave his children with the legacy that much of his life as presented to them was a lie, should they only find out after the fact? She doesn't have to tell him that you already know to avoid that possible embarrassment, but since you do, and since she already knows that you will react favourably when (if) he reveals this side of himself, she can proceed confidently with this gentle urging until he hopefully acquiesces, knowing full well that there will be a positive outcome.

Yes, a convoluted approach, perhaps, but as is often said here..."baby steps, baby steps!"...and one that will allow all parties to save face as the layers of this onion are slowly peeled away with no unpleasant surprises happening along the way.

Curiousdaughter..'to do or not to do, that is the (tough) question'. My thoughts... Help him to unload this heavy secret to you. When with him sometime, go to him, throw your arms around his neck and tell him how much you love him, and add something along the line of,"your ears are pierced so you can make and wear beautiful earrings with your beautiful necklaces, you love your (polished?) acrylic nails, and those silver platform boots are killers (add anything else feminine seen or observed), so I gotta ask you if you might also love to wear women's clothes to some extent. If you tell me yes, I want you to know how proud I am of you and would love to help you enjoy it in any way I can".

An approach like this protects your mom, and gives you good reason for asking about wearing women's clothes. If he says No, just say you had to ask, and give him a big 'love you' hug. I'd bet he comes clean with a sigh of relief. Good luck, whatever your choice is.

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Originally Posted by Curiousdaughter

Also an interesting perspective, Rhonda. I do must say that the people who say: Don?t!, dont make me not want to explore any further. I think that the idea of discussing it further with my mom is a good one for now. And do you mean you didn't come out because of internet stories/reactions? That is very sad. It is an interesting way to do explorations via the net or forums; when you don't have developped your own stance yet, it can be a logical thing to one-on-one take on the stance of another person. That's why I like it so much to read so many perspectives here, it helps me form my own opinion. Thank you for sharing!

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Ah, I typed it up wrong, have since edited it. But I agree with the talk it over with Mom crowd.