My Marriage

Its ok Rachel you do anything you have to do to hold on , even if it is just minute by minute . My ex said the same that he wished he'd never looked at it . He was from the Netherlands so no one saw it as something that could possibly do any harm but it surely can and I am NO prude . You arent alone in this situation to be sure .

Right now just work on getting through this really acute time . Then when things are calmer think about maybe focusing on that porn part and don't worry about the dressing as much . I normally dont say stuff like that but yes the porn and the result of it is what was the catalyst in my case so I understand where you are coming from .

Ill be in again in a bit .

I can offer no words as I cannot relate to what you're going through except I'm sorry to hear it. I will however leave this here...

1-800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

You are not alone. There are people who can help and there's no shame in calling.

So i took a hot bath with one of those bath bombs and a very large glass of wine. It was relaxing and made my skin feel nice and soft. Then a little prescription pill that is supposed to help with my anxiety and another large glass of wine. now it is off to la la land where the dreams are pleasant and i never destroyed my marriage.


I canto say how appreciative i am of this site and the support of everyone here. Thank you all so much for being here through my meltdown

Maybe tomorrow will be a little better.

Hugs
Rachel

Tomorrow will be better. If there isn’t a tomorrow, there is no chance for it to get better. You’re in my thoughts.

Rachel, so sorry to hear what you are going through. Suggest that you seek counseling for both of you or just you if your wife wont go.

Hugs,

Jade

Rachel,
I am so sorry you are in such a bad situation right now. I initiated my divorce and felt I had good reasons. But, everyone in a divorce feels they either won or lost. The win feels hollow and the loss severe. Tomorrow will always be better so hold on and stay strong.

Your wife has some seriously valid complaints. Are you working with the counselor on your porn addiction? If not, you need help with that.

I would recommend that if you want to try to get together with your wife, you should hide Rachel from her for now. My wife can only handle so much of Janet then she gets upset. Your wife has had to much.

If you do split, it doesn't mean life will be worse. As we have seen, many of us have remarried and are happier today than we were previously. It is hard to see from where your feelings are now.

Thank you Stephanie for the hotline information.

We all are here for you. Be thoughtful of your wife, don't be combative or it will worsen the situation.

Rachel,
I've been in a similar situation. As my counselor told me, when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.

Been there, done that. At least you had a tete a tete with your wife. 8 years ago I came home from a camping trip to an empty house. I don't envision EVER being friends again. The worst part is that she got my brother's family to effectively disown me, but she keeps in contact with them. I now am married to the most encouraging and accepting woman a guy could ask for. Bottom line, don't do any thing rash or permanent ( trust me--I wanted to end it then and there). Things WILL get better.
Take care GF. We're here for you.
Joni

Hi everyone checking in. I spent the day today with my daughter. I got to be Rachel with her for the first time and we spent time discussing make up and she even went through my wardrobe with me giving advice. We ordered pizza and dessert and watched Star Trek Discovery together catching up on the latest three episodes. We then sat down to eat the dessert and that is when i lost it. Tiramisu was always a favorite dessert for my wife and I. My daughter was patient and kind and held my hand until it had run its course. It is so strange to be fine and then suddenly it as if a bucket of cold water is thrown on me like a cold harsh reality. But I survived another day. 3 days since my life was forever changed.

So how do you learn to stop loving someone? How do you let go?

One day at a time, one day at a time, you'll do it and look back with solemn gladness.....

I agree. One day at a time. As hard as it sounds you?ll be okay. Trust me 2 years ago I was in the same boat.

You don't have to be forgiven, for you have done nothing wrong.

Spouses should be friends who accept each other, so... yes i get where this is a problem for you.

Divorce sucks, but everything after it doesn't. I really recommend it for everyone struggling with that problem.

I'm up and about, if you need someone to talk to

Sending virtual hugs.

Rachel, my ex divorced me because of my crossdressing 30 years ago.
Our daughter totally accepts Carla although my now wife doesn't.
My ex died last May. I commented on social media that I never stopped loving her.
Wife didn't appreciate it although it was true. We don't stop loving people. People stop loving us.

I think of a line from the movie "Castaway"... he is explaining to a friend how he was able to keep going without his wife... it went something like this..."breath in, breath out, repeat"...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by CD Rachel

hmm thought that i posted this but it disappeared, trying again.

Hi everyone checking in. I spent the day today with my daughter. I got to be Rachel with her for the first time and we spent time discussing make up and she even went through my wardrobe with me giving advice. We ordered pizza and dessert and watched Star Trek Discovery together catching up on the latest three episodes. We then sat down to eat the dessert and that is when i lost it. Tiramisu was always a favorite dessert for my wife and I. My daughter was patient and kind and held my hand until it had run its course. It is so strange to be fine and then suddenly it as if a bucket of cold water is thrown on me like a cold harsh reality. But I survived another day. 3 days since my life was forever changed.

So how do you learn to stop loving someone? How do you let go?

---

I'm assuming, more from the above posts than yours, Rachel, that you've separated or divorced from your wife? I'm so sorry!

Sounds like u have a wonderful daughter. She's 8? 13? 20, years old? Spend more time with her and hang in there!:straightface:


It DOES get better!:thumbsup:

Thanks everyone for the support and advice.

My wife and I met when i was 18. The attraction was immediate and mutual.
I had one prior serious relationship and 2 others that were female friends that we just kind of dated but not much serious stuff. It took me a long time to get over my first GF.

As KIMDL93 said "You dont stop loving, but you finally accept that they are gone...loved, but gone." When my first GF died is when i was finally able to let the last vestiges of my feelings for her pass with her.

I feel sad knowing that this love will slowly wither until i have hardened myself against it to the point that I can almost carry on as if it never was.


docrobbysherry
My daughter is 28. she is the reason that i am willing to continue on even though i think i would be better off just letting this life go. My suffering would stop but I would pour my pain out onto those who love me and they would suffer as i do now. I made a promise to her and i will stand against the gate of hell itself to keep that promise.


I was trying to get through today with out a break down. I made it to about 1400hrs.
Breathe.... just breathe.

Rachel

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Well today is just a total wash. She was just here, said she needed to pick up a few things. She was only here for 15 minutes. I could not take my eyes off of her... but it was like staring into the sun. Now i am a total wreck and flooding my keyboard while i type.

What does it take to let her go....

sobbing :brokenheart:
Rachel

When I was in a position similar to yours, Rachel, some 12 years ago now, I listened to "Waiting in the Weeds" by the Eagles.
It helped a lot!
"It's alright now!!!"

Rachel,
Simple answer TIME ! We do get over it believe me . The last three years have flown for me as I had to get a new home together , I have really enjoyed that , being able to make your choices because it's your home . I bought a property big enough to still call a family home when my children and grandchildren visit or come to stay , which they have continued to do , I haven't lost them .

I'm sorry to hear of your marital troubles. But then, she says she's forgiven you. For what? The dressing? There's nothing wrong with it. She should be making some act of contrition for hating your dressing, for which you can then forgive her.

As much as it hurts, you are better off without her in the long run, and your life will improve quickly.

Rachel, I'm sorry your wife has ended your marriage. I hope that time will heal your wounds.

Rachel..I am sorry for this happening. Unfortunately you both are grieving in my opinion. And I am sure it will be hard on going. I am heading into that territory also, although we are staying together and working through it. My belief is that our marriage will end too. We will remain friends. Right now we are having 50/50 good bad days. The bad days are rough but learning for both of us. I have heard many times that she married a male, not a female or anything else. SHe also realizes that I need to be who I am and is very supportive. Maybe a suggestion...try to be her best friend. You may never know, she may come around and find that she lost someone great, no matter if you are male or female, and want you back...give it time. Stay positive and move forward to be the best you.

Nicole,

Great advice!!! I am going through a very similar situation with my wife. I hope we stay married but if we divorce I will always love her and hope to remain best friends.

Best wishes for you and your wife!

Hugs,

Jade

Rachel,
The point Nicole makes about grieving is true but mine had a twist to it . My wife did agree to see an counsellor to get over the separation , the counsellor told her it was like a bereavement so she started to tell people I was DEAD ! I had to put a stop to that very quickly , what if my grandsons had heard her telling someone that , she was being thoughtless and irresponsible , my daughter was furious with her .

Jade ,
After all we've been through we do now chat as friends , after three years most of the bitterness has gone . She has started asking me if I still love her , I don't say it but she knows she hurt me too much over the years to think any love remains .

How many of these stories have we read. Sometimes I think the we aren't the pioneers, we're the troopers. My generation survived the criminality of portraying the other gender if it was looking a little too serious.
We've gone through a societal change in the realisation and acceptance that some of us exist with varying percentages of both established genders.
But there's still the fallout from the conditioning from our past lives and upbringings.
We have this thing but acceptonorm says it's wrong. And we want to be right. And we still have it. And we can't un-have it. Although, when we get to that moment of honest full disclosure as the right thing to do,
we just get informed that we are now the wrong thing. Whereas just shortly before full honest disclosure and clear back to when we met our person, we were the right thing.

My point of this drivel, there's nothing wrong with us. We didn't change. Think of the general context of wedding vows. It kinda states, I accept you because I love you.
Maybe our life partners need to disclose early on what the deal breakers are.

I might just ask my wife if she could erase the entire CD thing as though it never existed as something to deal with and replace it with a long term debilitating terminal illness to deal with, would that be more socially acceptable?
Would that be the preferred surprise from the spouse that she could then talk more comfortably about with friends and family?