the thing that stood out to me most of all was that your wife listened in off camera while you met with the therapist....to me that's probably the ultimate no fly zone. I can't imagine such a grotesque intrusion. If she feels betrayed by your deception I can't imagine a bigger betrayal than her eavesdropping on such a private time. Although I agree it's very early in the process and emotions are still running high, it is hard to picture a satisfactory way forward.
Laura, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I have two initial thoughts, the first being that a successful marriage will always involve compromise, and the second being that you may be in an untenable situation. Physical violence is not OK, regardless of who is doing the hitting. I believe couples counseling is essential, but like my newspaper's advice columnist frequently says, if your partner won't go with you, go for yourself. I can't speak to the pornography aspect; while I've enjoyed a handful of pictures here and there, I've never sought it out. As for crossdressing, it has never gone away for me, although it receded into the background for a few years. My therapist once compared it to an addiction like alcoholism, and, just as I do with alcohol, I try not to allow it to control me. I am lucky enough that my wife sort-of understands. I hope you can either come to some agreement with your wife, even if that means going your separate ways.
Well put, Diane.Quote:
Originally Posted by DianeT
Laura, I'm so sorry for you. I am am even more sorry for your wife's reaction. I can tell you as someone who has gone through a divorce it is pretty bad. However, I came out on the other side a better person. I have a wife who accepts and encourages me. Unlike you, my marriage didn't end over CDing. She didn't know. Had she, she would have used it against me. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you sometimes divorce is the better option. I hope that one way or the other everything works out for you.
Totally agree! Therapy is private. Don’t let her do this. It is not only a betrayal of you, but the therapist, too.Quote:
Originally Posted by audreyinalbany
I'm so sorry reading this for both of you. I was kind of going to give the "wait till the dust settles a little before" thery, but then you said you didn't love her. The problem with giving advice here is I don't know you and your wife and don't know how your marriage was before this. I sometimes hear about couples splitting and sometimes it's not surprising knowing them. If you feel there's a chance then every hour and day that goes by will be a learning curve and should give you more clarity and maybe both of you will calm down and see things differently. It seems like everything is going so fast forward the way your exampling it and the cut is still bleeding. I hope it all works out but the next few days weeks will be your direction. Keep us in the loop and let us know how it's going. Wish I could help out but I just don't know you both and I'm only hearing one side of the story. Don't forget we are good listener here.
From this quote it is quite obvious that Laura has had enough, and the relationship wasn't a good one even before the CD incident. I allowed myself to put up with a similarly abusive wife for over 20 years "for the sake of the kids," even though they had to witness the screaming and my wife throwing my things around (not related to CD - she didn't know). I'm very happy to have found someone who is just the opposite in every way, and I love her dearly. I'll be 70 years old next year and the one thing I've become more and more aware of is that life is TOO SHORT! No one should waste time, energy, money, and HAPPINESS in such a toxic relationship. So Laura, GET OUT as soon as you can (taking appropriate legal precautions as others have advised) and start your new life of freedom.Quote:
Originally Posted by JustLaura
More Hugs,
Larissa
Yeah its never obvious...never think you know everything..my porn addicted cd ex would talk about me in the same way for attn OP did and I did not know anything about this ( like this ones wife does not) until one of his chasers ended up on our doorstep to have a word with me..
I was TERRIFIED when a strange man thinking he was defending this "poor put upon transperson" showed up in person to talk to me about things I had no clue as to what he was talking about..I was afraid he would assault me or injure me in some way defending my "husbands""honor" ..
For a bunch of folks claiming to be femme it sure is masculine in here right now...
It sounds like other than the CDing and porn issues, the two of you have a good life together? You sounded relieved when when she thawed out somewhat during your trip away and you did say that in the car she asked why you looked at porn in a kind way. It sounds like she was wanting to understand, but the unexpected shock of what you told her just blew her away. It doesn’t sound as if your personalities are incompatible - I’m guessing that the two of you manage well when it comes to co-parenting and living your day-to-day lives together?
So the issue is sexual compatibility/incompatibility wound up in all kinds of anger (right now) and lack of knowledge and understanding. On both sides.
She wants (or wanted) to have a sexual relationship with a husband who is into her and only her (in her eyes, as a proof of love toward her just as she has shown toward you), but your sexual interests lay and have laid elsewhere, namely toward CD porn and the CDing. It feels like cheating to her and she is furious right now. She feels betrayed. She thinks the life she had with you was all a lie. It’s not cheating to you, because your sexual interests weren’t directed toward another GG. But that doesn’t matter. Your sexual interests were pointed elsewhere, it doesn’t really matter where. There is/was a lack of mutual reciprocity and this is painful to the partner who is left behind.
Right now you’re angry at what you perceive is her lack of understanding. You read posts in this forum from CDers whose wives are accepting and you are resentful that your wife doesn’t feel the same way. You see her fury now and you think this will be her state of mind for the rest of your life. But you need to understand that all emotional reactions to shocking news are transitional. They do not last forever. Still, right now your immediate reaction is to chuck it all in and run.
Which is a big mistake.
You can’t compare your situation with other couples who appear to have it easier than you, because every couple has different life circumstances, different backgrounds, the wives found out within different time frames and in different manners, etc, etc, etc. The way that each couple handles something like this is entirely unique to their situation and their particular dynamics in and out of the bedroom.And solutions don’t always come easily for every couple. Some marriages have found a way to navigate the CDing, but I guarantee you that the initial shock of it all out was just as explosive as in your situation. The difference is, they worked at it and at their relationship. And you’re thinking about running.
Now let’s talk about divorce. My marriage ended after nearly 30 years (not to a CDer … my current SO is a CDer, not my ex) and let me tell you that breaking up my family was the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. It was excruciatingly difficult for me, my ex, and our kids, who still suffer some of the fallout today in their own relationships. And the financial consequences were awful. My ex and I are now each in our second relationships and we can all be friendly when we all get together for one child’s milestone or another. And even though we each lead happy lives, the fallout from the divorce will never quite be healed. It was a heck of a price to pay for an inability to resolve our differences. There was a time when I thought I hated my ex. That was my anger talking. Now that time has passed, I see that I never hated him. How can you hate someone with whom you shared so many years, who is the father of your children.
So my advice to you is not to do anything rash. And do not allow your anger to convince you of something that may not be true. You and your wife need to seek counseling to see if anything can be salvaged. You’ve both run into a huge brick wall and you both need to step back a bit and see how high the wall is. If anything, it will give you time to have the dust settle and in a year from now, you’ll both be able to make clearer decisions about the direction you both want to go in. You need to understand why your sexual addictions have caused her so much fury, and she needs to understand more about the nature of your sexual addictions and that it doesn’t mean that you don’t love her. You cannot do it alone and you both need to see a good couples therapist for that.
Good luck!
I have to agree this was a mistake. If a couple is in joint/marital counseling it is customary for the therapist to meet with each spouse separately before a joint session. One of the comments I frequently read on this forum is there is nothing wrong with cross dressing. That may be clinically correct, but there are two involved. Married life is full of compromises but sometimes there is a line in the sand that one spouse will not cross.Quote:
Originally Posted by NancyJ
All I can offer is do not throw toxic comments and accusation around that you cannot walk back from. One week is not sufficient time for both of you to digest what just happened. Your wife needs to become educated to what cross dressing is and is not. One thing for sure is your wife may never see you in the same light. If you and your wife have grown apart, then divorce may be inevitable.
Read, read, and then read some more ReineD comments. They are spot on. Bolt and run is a common response. I have a good marriage, but the pain and emotions of the divorce are always there, after many decades.
Have you looked at what the porn is trying to compensate for? Probably need an individual therapist to lead here, but something went astray. It's like hitting the candy jar because meals were not satisfying. Fix the meal situation and the candy jar's appeal will quickly fade and your life will improve immensely.
I emphasized that one sentence in bold to ask, are you suggesting that if JustLaura had a satisfying sex life with his wife he wouldn't be addicted to porn?Quote:
Originally Posted by SirDonna
It's the reverse. If JustLaura doesn't have a satisfying sex life with his wife, it's because of the porn. A requirement for a healthy and active sex life is excellent communication, which is difficult to achieve is one is hiding an addiction to porn and the CDing.
JustLaura, I don't know if you are but I hope you're not blaming your wife and think that you're addicted to porn and you crossdress because of her? I'm guessing that porn and the CDing was arousing for you way before you met your wife, and since she didn't know about the issue there was little she could do help remedy the situation. If anything, she might have sensed that something was missing for you and she didn't know why (likely blaming herself?), which might have contributed to things cooling down in the bedroom (if this is what happened). As difficult as it will be, these are all things that you and she will need to sort through with a therapist if there is any hope to get past this.
You don't need to get into the nitty-gritty of your sex life with your wife here (it's for a therapist), but I wanted to mention the above just in case you do blame your wife.
I also hope that the difficulty of dealing with this head on with your wife and a therapist won't be so scary as to make you not want to deal with it at all and just cut and run.
Actually I was thinking of a bigger picture. Sex is just a part of life. It's like any addiction. The habit exists because of the thing missing life and the addiction event creates a high that covers the hole in life. If you can ID the hole, and resolve the emptiness, then the addiction craving should/would decrease. I totally agree that even mind blowing sex would not stop the addiction. A shared life is about communication, caring for someone else in spite, or because of foibles, and having a more fullfilling and exciting life as a team than you could as an individual. This is not the place to ID the thing but to say that a happy bubbling life can not exist with just an addiction. Read the forums, the happiest cross dressers are those members and partners who have dealt with this part of life and now live with it as just a part of life and not as the endpoint of a moment of energy. Blaming others is a losing game. Read up on transactional analysis and understand power comes from finding the parts of life that can be improved and doing it. A house may be a horrible fixer-upper, but with a vision and work it can be a wonderful home. Likewise, life with others may need fixing up. Blaming others, or yourself, is a sink hole. Touch your higher power to reclaim some vision and move forward. Have a good cry on how life is not the utopia you fantasized, and then embrace the chance to fix a part of life. We all here may provide hints of some vision of a good life that is still possible. If you search, some gold nuggets can be found and this is not the place to complain that gold mining can be work and discouraging.
Sorry for the rambling, but so many struggle with cross dressing as a part of life. I can't speak for others, but for me these forums help keep CD in perspective and provide a glimmer of a hopeful vision of a better life. Hopefully JustLaura has found something good in all our comments.
Treatment for your addiction and understanding your gender identity are two very different things, and should be approached as such. Unlikely that one therapist will be proficient at both, but you may get lucky and find one who is. Regardless, get whatever help you need to come to grips with who you are. You will not be truly happy until you do.
It sounds like the marriage is over. Hitting is really the thing that is totally wrong. That is abuse.
From your wife's perspective, a person expects a mate to stay true but one also needs to be true to one's self. You should have told her years ago and let the chips fall then. This way both of you would have had time to build new lives before it is too late to recover emotionally and financially.
You seem to be at the stage of "Do what you need to do".
Laura,
I am so sad to hear you are going through this. I was there ten years ago. The funny thing for me was I hadn't dressed for over ten years until my marriage went bad.
I won't write a missive, but I will suggest you take the porn and your crossdressing out of the equation and look back on your marriage with those eyes.
In my case, my ex had a long history of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse, and that's why we got divorced.
Just a few months ago, my ex actually came to me with a heartfelt question about why people are transgender, a friends son is facing this, which ws a huge step for her coming from where she was ten years ago.
Back to you, If you can look at your marriage honestly and not see a path forward without your dressing and the porn in the picture, then you know your answer.
If, however, you see a chance, I'd suggest that with time and therapy, and education, there may be hope.
Best of luck. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to chat with.
To the forum moderators, I want to sincerely apologize to for the language I put in my original post. I had assumed that semi-censoring the profanity with asterisks was sufficient to make it an appropriate post. I will take that learning to heart.
I will respond to some of the comments made on this forum in a separate post, as I first want to ensure the forum moderators know that I didn't mean to knowingly disregard forum rules and etiquette. And I thank you all for sharing your thoughts, your advice, and your experiences.
Thank You for the apology.
I was upset when you wrote you knew it was not allowed but then went ahead and let it rip.
I accept your apology.
Since you stated you will make a separate post I will close this one.