CDing, Love it Hate it.

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Originally Posted by raverbabe gg

Exactly where, in Tree's original post did you get the impression that she wanted him to "be a man & stop all this business of dresses & make-up"?

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That phrase was more directed at SO's who see this as a curse in general, though she DID say:
"by crossdressing to full femme, he's shunning a gift he was given in this life and not fully dealing with the challenges"
Thus my question if she is "fully dealing with the challenges" of being a woman ( the point being: what does that mean, for either gender? ).

I know some here dont like CDing being referred to as a hobby but I always thought it was by far the easiest way to explain how CDing can be integrated into a relationship so the golf analogy is a perfect example.

However it does take both the CD and the SO to get over the taboo element and set aside silly concepts of normalcy.

At the end of the day I seek love, trust and respect from my wife. If I get that then I am satisfied that she is looking after my interests and being a good partner whether or not she actually enjoys my crossdressing. I firmly believe couples should never impose unbalanced and irrational conditions and restrictions on each other as this flies in the face of what a loving relationship is all about.

Most importantly is staying positive about the whole subject. It is not a big deal, there are far more important things in life so dont make a mountain out of a molehill.

Well Bev you have met myself and my wife while I cannot say that she totally accepts Toyah she does give her space and she also sets rules which can be important too.
Satrana I think that my viewing being a CD as a hobby has made it much easyer for both of us to accept it. I am not a "serious CD" I dont really want to go out or have girly thoughts I am a guy in a dress and can accept that, I think if you try to make more of it thats when problems start

I am 10000000% accepting of my SO, and his CD. From the moment he told me, it was not a major issue for me. I did not look at him any different, or act any different. I did however ask tons of questions, but he encouraged me to then, and still does now. I was always curious about CD, ...and TG, TS, etc, but never really thought too much about it until he told me he was a CD.

I really like that he is actually, because I feel that he is more sensitive, and understands me more and listens to me better, and our relationship has only grown closer over the months (he told me about 1 month into our relationship....now 8 months).
We also have tons of fun together, shopping and dressing and the like.

I don't think I have ever felt so close to someone, so comfortable and just able to be myself; he is not afraid to be himself (herself) around me. I cannot be happier and more in love!!!I really do believe I met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

:hugs: Rainbow :love:

Rainbow that is great to hear. It makes a big difference if you can examine this issue without the major hang-ups of believing in fixed gender roles. Without these prejudices it is easier to see the positive side of having a man who can express his femininity and to integrate this into a loving relationship. My wife is the same, she thinks crossdressing is a non-issue and is amazed at the difficulties others have in accepting a man in a skirt.

Bev,
I read this late yesterday evening and decided to go away and really think about this .............. 2 days ago was the 1st anniversery of the day I discovered that M is a cdr ......... in those 12 months we have gone through a whole range of emotions.

CDing, Love it Hate it. ........ I don't think I do either of those certainly not hate it .......... but I do accept and support the fact that "he has a need to be" (I just wished he did :straightface:).

My turmoil over the issue stems from the fact that we have no regularity over this ......... even when our very limited dressing time is available ........ (and I have several times re-sheduled nights out, to be there for him to dress, arranged for our young one to stay overnight at a friends, .... to give him dress time and he dosen't ??????????? :strugglin to understand that, on a regular basis).

I have been pushed from active acceptance, to, I want nothing to do with this, through his attidute on more than one occasion ( his words to me (on a few occasions) , were,.... that he wanted me to have no control or say in how/when he dressed ........... (well I never wanted control anyway I hate the control word with a passion) then suddenly it was what he wanted me to have ....... fought that like a tiger (like I said I hate the control thing)).

At the moment I am at the whatever stage, if he wants to dress I am fine with that, if he dosen't then okay.

I would like for my daughter 22 next month (her and the 2 grandbabies live with us), and our 11 year old to know so that he would have the opportunity to dress more (then maybe just maybe we can both become more comfortable with Claire being part of our everyday lives) .... but his decision is not to let them know at the moment ......... now that I do find bewildering as Sandra and Nigella came to our home with Nigella dressed, and this was done by two wonderful people unselfishly to help us .... at the time it appeard to be a big step forward because then he was going to let them both know........ however he never got round to it ...... and despite my bringing it up on several occasions he still won't:confused: , you bet your bottom dollar I am.

I suppose at the moment I have given up the fight top make him feel comfortable with himself and the fem in him .......... way to much energy and time taken up on that one and at the end of the day his acceptance of the fem in him has to come from him, I can't make him accept ... I can only hope to be there if he ever decides that he wants to explore this side of him more.

Am glad you asked this question

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Originally Posted by Bev06 GG

I expect it can be the same with any hobby or interest Crossdressing included. Balance is a word that springs to mind which can be totally cancelled out if one becomes obsessive about ones interest.
Bev

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Excellent point! My wife constantly has to remind me that I am obsessing about something. Its a big part of my personality which at times can be great (getting work done, solving problems etc) and other times disastrous (hobbies, new gadgets, cars and crossdressing). She has done a great job at balancing me out and pointing out (even if I do not like it at the time) that I have gone over the edge. We are starting down the road to acceptance (We have been in a relationship for 3 years. I told her about half way through when I knew I wanted to marry her).

It has been touched on a little bit in this post and a few others that the feminine side of your SO is one of the things that you enjoy. This is very true in my realationship as well. I am the emotional one (I was a mess at our wedding and she was cool as a cucumber) and at times feel I have to drag feelings out of my wife. I wonder how many men and women are having a hard time dealing with changing gender roles (even those not in a relationship with a crossdresser). Men are becoming for one reason or another (a whole other can of worms) more emotional and taking on traits that were previously identified as feminine. These changing expectations make it hard to know who expects what when. If there are communications issues as well resentment is sure to pop up as needs are not being met. I am sure it was easier when everybody just did what was "normal" (Though I am assuming a lot as I am just going on what I think life was like in previous generations).

If its any consolation Maki, I too have a nature that drives to get things done if Ive made up my mind to do it. Much to the annoyance of everyone around me when I do. I am sure if I were to crossdress I'd be pretty unbearable.

Sounds very much to me Jess that your life would be a whole lot easier if your partner accepted himself and his CDing. I often think its more difficult when the CD has the problem than when the SO does.
I have gone through those sort of times with my partner and to be honest I just end up exhausted. Thankfully he doesn't have many such occassions now because if he did I doubt my patience would last and I'd probably not be as accepting as I am.
Take care
Bev

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Originally Posted by Satrana

My wife is the same, she thinks crossdressing is a non-issue and is amazed at the difficulties others have in accepting a man in a skirt.

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You are so lucky. I am forbidden from wearing so much as a kilt :(

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Originally Posted by jess(SO)

My turmoil over the issue stems from the fact that we have no regularity over this ......... even when our very limited dressing time is available ........ (and I have several times re-sheduled nights out, to be there for him to dress, arranged for our young one to stay overnight at a friends, .... to give him dress time and he dosen't ??????????? :strugglin to understand that, on a regular basis).

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Most men dislike being told what to do or having their lives organized for them, they like to keep a sense of independence. This is why men deliberately ignore their SOs requests to do things around the house which leads to nagging. The more effort you put into setting aside time for him, the more he will feel pressured and the more resistant he will be to take advantage of that time.

On top of this typical male response, crossdressing is a deeply personal and secretive behavior which the CD has always had 100% control over when and how it has done. It is hard to switch off a lifetime's absolute control and allow someone else to get involved.

While it is perfectly understandable that a SO will want to display her willingness to work on, or acceptance of crossdressing by expending effort to organize dressing times for her partner, it will often backfire for the reasons above. If it does then the best option is to stop these efforts and instead focus on just normalizing the dressing ie, as much as possible make no distinction between male or femme mode, no distinction between which set of clothes is worn and let the CD decide for himself when he wants to dress up when the mood suits him. Let him suggest times when he would like the children to be out etc.

From a male viewpoint, an SO not fussing over a matter is the sign of acceptance he is seeking.

Tree - of course I (and others) read the whole thing. Who would pass up the chance to hear what a wife really thinks?
Gotta tell you - it's almost creepy how much you sound like my wife! Your not are you? :-)

well i can say my wife dont like it either but when i want to dress up arround the house she dont say anything about it any more i really dont know if she is excepted it or if she is likeen it or not but she lets me dress any way
love it or lump it whose cares we are men who cares about our so

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Originally Posted by Satrana

Most men dislike being told what to do or having their lives organized for them, they like to keep a sense of independence.

actually most women dislike being TOLD what to do ........ so many of us do prefer an adult like rational discussion, in preferance to being commanded ........

This is why men deliberately ignore their SOs requests to do things around the house which leads to nagging. The more effort you put into setting aside time for him, the more he will feel pressured and the more resistant he will be to take advantage of that time.

If men are deliberately ignoring their SO's request then in my opinion (and it is just my opinion), then they are acting in a selfish and arrogant manner and deserve and grief they bring on their own heads .......... please note you mentioned ignoring requests, in my opinion a relationship requires communication and give and take on both side whether it is over CDing or any other activity . again just my :2c:

On top of this typical male response, crossdressing is a deeply personal and secretive behavior which the CD has always had 100% control over when and how it has done. It is hard to switch off a lifetime's absolute control and allow someone else to get involved.

crossdressing is not always ........as we have seen on this forum ....... "secretive behavior" . many couples actualy actively participate in CDing as a couple

While it is perfectly understandable that a SO will want to display her willingness to work on, or acceptance of crossdressing by expending effort to organize dressing times for her partner, it will often backfire for the reasons above. If it does then the best option is to stop these efforts and instead focus on just normalizing the dressing ie, as much as possible make no distinction between male or femme mode, no distinction between which set of clothes is worn and let the CD decide for himself when he wants to dress up when the mood suits him. Let him suggest times when he would like the children to be out etc.

if you are in a commited relationship it may not be convenient for all concerned to vacat the home for the CDR to have dress time just when he/she wants, and as part of our commited family life My CDR would never ever request that the kids be out just so that he could dress ........ one of the many many reason why I love this person,......[SIZE="3"] family over CDing any and every day if required (his decision and one for which i am paricularly grateful for[/SIZE].......... again one of the reasons I have tried and will continue to try to give him as much time as I can to enable him to dress.

I refuse to "stop these efforts", in our relationship we try to make life easier for each other, we don't always succeed but we do try ..... part of our commitment to each other

From a male viewpoint, an SO not fussing over a matter is the sign of acceptance he is seeking

from your reply it seems that SO's need not bother, as it appears you don't think it involve us in any way ...... that is a wrong assumption at least from my point of view ........ as part of caring about my partner I worry over his, physical and mental health, anything that causes him pain and upset does the same to me i do not want him being hurt in any way and if he is hurting then my instinct is to do anything I can to ease that pain .......

an SO not fussing over a matter is the sign of acceptance he is seeking

or it could also be taken as a sign of nonacceptance . and actually i have never ever fussed over his crossdressing ......... what I have done is try to facilitate time for him to dress .... and yes sometimes at his request but more usually as a joint decision, but also sometimes just as another sign of my love and commitment to him as a person

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all of the above reply is just my :2c: ........ it is not meant to offend or cause pain to anybody
:hugs:Jess

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Originally Posted by Satrana

I know some here dont like CDing being referred to as a hobby but I always thought it was by far the easiest way to explain how CDing can be integrated into a relationship so the golf analogy is a perfect example.

However it does take both the CD and the SO to get over the taboo element and set aside silly concepts of normalcy.

At the end of the day I seek love, trust and respect from my wife. If I get that then I am satisfied that she is looking after my interests and being a good partner whether or not she actually enjoys my crossdressing. I firmly believe couples should never impose unbalanced and irrational conditions and restrictions on each other as this flies in the face of what a loving relationship is all about.

Most importantly is staying positive about the whole subject. It is not a big deal, there are far more important things in life so dont make a mountain out of a molehill.

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I have some problems with the hobby thing. My wife would argue that if that were the case then she would like me to give it up and take up something more acceptable like golf!

Mitch

Oh WOW is all I can say!
I'm going to have to log on at home to read this thread properly - and try to digest some of the comments and information contained in this ...
I am at a real crossroads right now, having just learnt of my husband's alternative lifestyle wishes - and I'm going through every emotion possible - I think each GG has mentioned at least one themselves! And thanks to the CDs that have responded too, as it balances - there are always two sides to a story and this is no exception.

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Originally Posted by TxKimberly

...Gotta tell you - it's almost creepy how much you sound like my wife! Your not are you? :-)

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LoL :heehee:

She may get the same wife-club mailer as I. :D Poor lady. If she sounds as confused as I do, please hug her often. :happy: