Anyone Ever Feel Like Checking Out

Jill:

No woman is worth dying for. There are plenty of them out there. I have been through many years of misery (sans the crossdressing) in a marriage and many times it seemed so hopeless. But my child did not let me do it. Now I am divorced, remarried with a wonderful SO and two great kids.

It is so difficult to offer advice without knowing all the details, but I could not let this post go unanswered. If what you say is accurate, fight fire with fire. Put on your gloves and start punching back.

First, eliminate every trace of CDing from your life including the internet. Convince your wife this has stopped completely and you have given it up. Consult a lawyer and get yourself familiar with the law. Plan your divorce so she can not take you to the cleaners. You can still be fair and try to leave her what she deserves. Protect yourself.

If you have to, plan your separation first to see how things go. During this separation, plan your time shared equally with your daughter. Share expenses with your wife equally. Make her get a job. The courts will look at how things have operated before the divorce is filed to make determinations on child custody and other matters. Set it up without her having a clue. Be smart.

After two or three years of this self imposed discipline (which may in fact result in your marriage improving and then you would be able to bring CDing back) you can have your life be free of this undeserving woman. Believe me, there are lots of women out there looking for a good man.

Whatever you do never kill yourself. You will mark your baby forever. That is not a choice.

This advice may sound callous to some, but I am the sweetest guy around and I had to learn the hard way. So I offer some of what I learned. It is much better to spend three years setting up yourself a strategy than spending the next thirty regretting it.

Michelia

The others are right---I think you have done everything to make the relationship work---the fact that she is reluctant to undergo marriage counselling because you "turn the counsellors against her" is abslolute hogwash---and look at how she hit the roof when you fed your daughter dinner---what nonsense---and as far as you being attractive, if you are half as good looking as the pictures in your avatar and profile(love the lbd btw) feel free to contact Me any time for a hot date---I can't imagine you are going to have any problem finding a partner or partners after you leave her---which by the way she is acting should be soon---like they say above dont' check out of your life, check out of your marriage

Oi, I am sorry hun. Since I dont know *everything* about this relationship but simply this snipet into your life, I will offer my thoughts based on that.

Your wife reminds me of my mother (and this is not a good thing).
Always critical, never truly happy, never satisfied, angry and resentful. Sad and truly self-unaware, total denial. That was my mother, I dont know your wife.
Obviously.

You need to take care of yourself and your daughter. IF your wife is like my mother, you have a duty as her father to protect her.

If it wasnt your CDing it would be something else that she would find to redicule you over.

It's a difficult situation.
I would also continue counseling, just for you.
:hugs:

Hang on in for your daughter and try and find some peace within xxx

Jill,

So sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. It sounds like the crossdressing revelation just added fuel to the fire of a relationship that seems difficult on multiple levels. (I know the feeling). On the other hand it also sounds like you are willing to remain engaged and try to communicate. I'm impressed with your strength in light of the difficulties you face. Even if your marital relationship doesn't survive, you and your daughter need to. Hang in there, stay engaged in the process and follow your heart. We're all rooting for you.

hugs
Lowla

Be proactive and be prepared for a long bitter battle. Get yourself the best lawyer now! Don't move out. Make sure that she leaves. It gives you an advantage. Be upfront with your lawyer about your cd'ing. Don't worry. Lawyers have seen and heard much worse than that. You want no surprises.

Been there and done that with the divorce issue.

Right now you are sounding very emotional. Remember--you can't afford to be emotional. You must remain objective.

We had an old army adage from my combat days. You must always remain objective in the face of fire. You can't be emotional when calling in fire on a village. You can't think about who or how many people you are killing. You just have to be objective, call in the fire and kill them. I know this sounds harsh, but this applies to a divorce.

Jodi

Hi there I know that I haven't posted much here. But when you said that you wanted to check out. I have been down that road before and like everybody else it's not worth it. But like Jodie said you gotta prepare for the worst and hope for the best keep trying to go to counseling.

My ex-wife now works for a divorce lawyer and and she tells me some of the horror stories. Her boss tells everyone who comes into her office keep a journal of all the day to day activities of things going on like you said she won around the house and labeled everything. And like you said it was a like the house was in total disarray because you had housekeepers come in two days before that needs to be written down and also keep a bill for the housekeepers and also write down why she was so upset about you serving your daughter a TV dinner this will also help you when it comes to child custody because I have seen a journal in action as a coworker of mine did this and when they went to court over custody she had to explain everything in the journal needless to say he finally got full custody.

I hope everything works out for you according to your avatar you were very beautiful woman



Kathy:2c:

Hang in there girl..I was in the same position as you last year and split with my wife. I wanted to "check out", but the one thing that stopped me was thinking about how my 3 children would feel knowing that their dad had "gone" and left them at such a bad time in all our lives. It has been a struggle to keep going and i found therapy helped me a lot. But the main thing that got me through the last year has been knowing that whatever else has happened "I,ve still got my kids"...Just stick with it, it,s worth it and you,ve got a lot of friends here to help you..:hugs:..Debs

Jillian,

When I was in my 20's, I seriously considered that route but never quite got to the point of doing it. Instead, I just lived a crazy life that was sure to lead to that conclusion. When I looked inside of myself, all I saw was saddness and solitude, and I saw no hope that it would ever be any different. Fortunatley I was wrong.
Today my life is just about as good as it gets. I have bee married 20 years, I have two wonderful children, I have a job I love, I have . . . a lot . . . to be thankfull for. None of it would have been possible if I had ended my life. The funny thing about doing that is that ends all of your options, it removes all chances that things will get better, it removes all hope at happiness.
We all go through phases, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes angry - perhaps your wife is having a hard time and this is her way of dealing with it. Ask her what's wrong, ask her if you can help, tell her you love her, tell it hurts . . .
Oh, and for the record, we know of at least one thing she is 100% wrong about - you ARE beautiful.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Melinda G

I'll get straight to the point. It might hurt temporarily, but you will be a hell of a lot happier, with this woman out of your life! Forget the counseling. Get away from her! She will continue to drag you down, as long as you are with her. And don't ever "out" yourself to anyone again! If you ever get caught again, just say you were curious, and wanted to see what it was like!

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ronniwannabe

Hang in there, Jill. Divorce may seem scary with the possibility of losing your daughter but it is definatly better than checking out. Get the ammunition you need on your dictator wife and talk to a good lawyer. Tell him everything and do not hold anything back. You might end up with custody of your child and have a long loving life ahead of you. :hugs:

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U R not thinking clearly. I've been there with my ex, a psychotic, controling bitch, and a young daughter also. The above advice is excellent. Here's what u do:

1. Your daughter is the most valuable and important thing in your life. Even if u don't realise that rite now.
2. This has NOTHING to do with your CDing. It is ALL ABOUT YOUR FEAR! U r afraid of her, of a divorce, and what she will do if go to see an attorney.
3. To think clearly, u need to get away from her and get solid personal advice and good legal advice immediately. Move away from her today!
4. This woman is a trainwreck. She's not as dangerous as u think, tho. And she needs help much worse than u do. Putting some pressure on her, might force her to get it. Or possibly the authorities will.
5. Talk to someone removed from your situation. At church, or work, or a professional therapist.

Remember there r people who care about u, and realise that just thinking about suicide is a cry for help! The people on this site don't know u, but we really DO CARE ABOUT U! U CAN GET THRU THIS! Just take one step at a time! But please start today. Things will NOT get better, in my experience.
RS

www.myspace.com/robertsherry

Jillian,
First of all, your wife sounds like a really crummy person. Are you sure she is the woman that you really want to be with for the rest of your life? Secondly, the thought of you checking out is so sad to me. It sounds like she is the problem and not you, so checking out would not do anybody anygood especially your daughter. Perhaps a divorce would be good for you. Then you could be free to pursue your dressing as much as you want to.

If you want my personal opinion, I think you are beautiful en femme, so tell you wife to put the crack pipe down anad take a closer look.

kisses
sissy dana

honeu there r many times i want to give up also. my wife tries to use the excuse that i wear bras and panties why she doesnt want intimacy. but the truth be told she never was very affectionate, prob because her being raped at 15. so i dont buy that.i know she loves me but doesnt like to show iut because she loose control when she softens. honey dont do it. i know that God wont let me off that easy so im toughing it out now--if u ever need a freind pm me through this site- we all luv u sister-hugs from michille :love:

Hi Jill we are here for you hun if you need to talk just PM us hun and i glad you didn't check out hun :hugs:
Angie

Looking back over my life, I can think of a number of situations that had me very depressed and upset. Today, they are all but forgotten. There is an old saying with a lot of truth to it. "Time heals all wounds".

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. It sounds like a very painful and trying time for you.

I've felt like checking out MANY times in my life and some days I still do...but it's not worth it. Better to try and solve your problems the best you can. Even if everything gets all screwed up, as long as you are alive there is hope of a better tomorrow.

A few proverbs comes to mind:

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."

"Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife."

"A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand."

I wish you all the best in your situation.

To everyone who replied, all of you have echoed in some form or fashion what my friends (who really know my situation, CDing excluded) have been saying over the years. I truly appreciate all of you for taking the time to offer well-thought out advice and support. As I told some of you, I dont want to be a downer, as I am usually a pretty upbeat person, but last night, I just couldn't shake the blues. From the short to the long, your posts all felt so healing and warm. Thank you.

Jill

Ending your own life is never as easy as it sounds trust me i have been there. If you want my opinion i think that you should get a divorce hide your dressing at least until the court proceedings are through and start a new life. If your description means anything it sounds as though you can take care of yourself money wise your biggest problem is your unaccepting wife. It really seems as though it is time for you to cut your ties with your wife and start over if you manage to keep your cding underground to everyone but your wife you even have a good chance for custody. Good luck hone and i really hope that everything comes out well for you.

I went through sort of the same thing with my first wife, now an ex-wife. We were having marital problems and probably argued at least an hour or more a day it seemed. She was going to this christian counselling center and wanted me to go so I figured maybe it would be good if they heard my side of the story. Until then they did not know of my CDing. After they talked to me they liked me according to the way they treated me and my wife said they felt I was a good person and thats about the time my wife dropped the CDing bomb on the counselors. On my next visit I was treated as though I was filled with demons. I did not go back. My wife was a neat freak and constantly cleaned a clean house. To make along story short it turns out that she was bi-polar. I got a call from her one day after she was admitted to the crazy ward of the hospital years after the divorce. I am glad she is gone as she made life hell. Life is hard though for us. I am a tortured soul every minute of the day. Every time I see a pretty or an average woman my desire to be one comes to the surface. I think about it almost constantly and how unfair the world is to us when women themselves are without a doubt the biggest CDers in the world. I will not let the world beat me. Both of my grandfathers killed themselves not because they dressed but mainly due to health issues. Maybe popping a cap runs in the family, I dont know, but I plan to make it to the bitter end even with all of my issues. I find little ways of coping by dressing as much as possible and getting out as much as I can and at least it allows me to feel like I am the person I want to be. Hang tough.

Jill,

Obviously many of us have been right where you are to some degree, and so we have a great deal of empathy for you and your situation. You have been given some great advice, starting with what seems to be the worst things actually leading to the peace and happiness we seek and deserve. Divorce seems to be a scary thing, but it is just getting past it that is the trick!

In my first marriage I went through living hell -- truly a miserable existence, and my first wife didn't even know about the crossdressing. Finally we divorced -- and b/c I was strong and followed a great deal of objective, loving advice, I stuck it out and ended up with the house, 98% of all of our belongings, and both of our children. I later married a wonderful, loving woman (with two children of her own), and we have established a great home. This wife -- my true soulmate and split-apart -- was told about my crossdressing as soon as I saw we were "engagement/marriage serious." I was not going through another marriage without being honest about this aspect of myself, and I am ever so thankful I took this approach b/c it IS part of who and what I am!

As some have noted, it is difficult to give you comprehensive advice b/c we don't know a whole lot about you. One thing is certain, though, and that is that YOUR heart and soul shine through in your writing, and you ARE a worthy parent!!! Checking out of life is NOT the answer b/c it will only accomplish ruining you to your child!!! Your child needs YOU -- strong, loving, caring, nurturing you!!!

Tell your "hopefully soon to be ex wife" nothing more about you, especially the crossdressing. Prepare for battle -- and do so with utter vengence -- vengence that hopefully you'll never need!!! Hire the best attorney, damn the expense -- and be totally honest with them!!! Start protecting every asset possible!!!

When I was growing up, I thought divorce was the worst possible thing you could experience in marriage. It isn't!!! Living with a hateful, neurotic spouse is -- and you need to do everything to protect your child!!! We're here for you, too!!! Don't hesitate to bring your questions to the forum or to one or more of us through PMing us!!!

:love:

Sheri

I have the same problem with my SO. She knows I am doing it but chooses to throw verbal daggers at me whenever the chance arrives. She thinks all this is ridiculous and stupid. However, she has seen pics of me but has yet to use her favorite word against me...."hideous". So far I haven't heard any insults directed toward JoAnn.
She's either afraid of her own fem image and quite possibly moreso afraid of losing her "man".
I don't push the issue with her...I go my way and she goes her way. Here I am dealing with someone who will not discuss it, nor understand it...or want to.
Pretty tough huh? Let the insults roll off your back. I do. She has a problem with this...and why? There are so many places on the net where they could go to read and understand for themselves.
Don't let her bully you!

Forgot to mention. I married someone of whom I thought was my true soulmate. We dated for 2 years before tying the knot..just about the time, she became pregnant. I could not understand why.
We married 17 years ago and it lasted only a month short of 2 years.
Having been brought up in a complete family, the looming divorce tore me to pieces, knowing I will never get to see my child grow up every day.
I was a wreck for the first 6 months wondering why this was happening to me being the decent person I was. I couldnt hold a relationship with any woman because they saw I couldnt get over it.
The divorce went over within 4 months and nothing was exposed to the lawyers about our private lives. In my state of CT, the courts do not consider behavior, husband or wife, in divorce proceedings. The first concerns are who is stable enough to ensure custody of the child. So keep a journal of all the screwy things she does...and keep a clear head.
Also...it took me 15 years after the divorce to find out that she had alcohol problems as a youth..something her family kept quiet even from me. She was a closet drinker even while we were married and so good at it that I did not know. That explains all her mood-swings and anger after marriage. Gee, she was so good to me until we said I Do! She freaked after that!
Imagine that, all this time to find out that the booze was to blame.
Keep your eyes peeled hon and keep that head screwed on straight. Everything will work out and years from now this will all be a memory.

Time to lawyer up. There is no way to fix that relationship. She sounds very spitefull. Divorce her and move on.

Jillian,

My deepest sympathies...been there (but without children).

A couple of things, with me speaking both as a physician and fellow traveler on this highway.

First, find a counselor that you can speak with. You need an advocate on your side in this matter. Your closest Tri-ESS group (even if it's not in your town) can give you the name of a counselor in your area, who is versed in transgender/crossdresser matters.

Second, ask your family physician for a prescription for an anti-depressant, and begin taking it.
I find Zoloft to be a very good choice. It's generic now, so it's cheaper, but it has a lower side effect profile. And, it usually comes with a mild (mild is the key word here) reduction in libido. That is often very helpful in sorting our crossdressing stuff out (it won't eliminate your desire to dress, but make it much easier to keep a handle on).

I've done therapy for more than 5 years with a very gender-issue therapist. But probably the best thing I ever did was go on an anti-depressant for a full year.
What it did for me was to let me realize how much anger I had pent up inside over my spouse's rejection of my transgender feelings. And, it made those feelings much easier to accept and confront, without feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Anti-depressants do not make you "happy" or feel up. Research (in primate models) show that there is new neuron/synaptic growth with the use of such drugs (especially in the hippocampus and mesial temporal lobes), and it appears to facilitate learning....perhaps learning a new way not to be sad.

You deserve a woman who cares about you; one who recognizes which words hurt, how trust brings intimacy, and why kindness is important to any relationship.

You don't need to check out.
You need to start feeling love again.

Chris

hi jill from another jill, my ex was very possesive and demanding. i had told her about my desire to dress while we were dating. she was repulsed by the thought but married me anyway. through the ten years of marriage to her she caught me several times, and finally feigned acceptance. she offered to take pictures of me in various stages of dress, so i could publish them in an alternative lifestylse magazine. instead she showed them to everyone she knew and treid to pass me off as a wierdo. i had thoughts about dressing in my prettiest outfit and hanging myself in the basement and letting her find me. but then i thought about my son, and the pain it would cause him. it also dawned on me that if i offed myself, i would be the biggest loser. i ended up divorcing her because counseling didn't work for us either. i began a new life with a new wife and stayed married to her for 26 years until cancer took her from me. i'm glad i never ended my life because i wouldn't have been able to enjoy everything today. hang in there girl and don't let her use your dressing as a weapon against you. see i you can find an advocacy for tg's in your city and state. they might be able to supply you with information that will help you cope with or get out of what seems to be a tumultuous marriage.---Jill