I agree with
Amanda, she will out you anyways, my ex did
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I agree with
Amanda, she will out you anyways, my ex did
She has plans. As she is lying there in bed, crying, she is formulating plans. Prepare for the worst case scenario. Yes, you should have told her before you got married.
Definitely do not sign over any fixed assets to her. Tell her to work it out the emotional stuff on an emotional level. Your financial future and financial independance should not be at stake in this.
Good luck.
Everything that needs to be said has been said. She is setting you up. Don't sign anything, clear out everything, check with a lawyer, move out. At least that is what I'd do.
[QUOTE]Lorileah: No, I don't like being held hostage; however, I have too much to lose if my cross dressing became public knowledge. I am a white collar professional with a very large practice. Being revealed as a cross dresser would have a definite impact on my practice./QUOTE]
Noting from the terminology that you are using, you must be either a doctor, dentist or lawyer. Most likely medical in nature. With that said you have sufficent means that pushing your buttons could net your wife a lot of money. I worry about this issue as well, but paying your wife off is not going to protect yourself.
She can and probably will tell who ever she wants. You will have to deal with the damage. If you are going to pay her, hire an attorney to draw up an agreement stating that as long as she remains silent then she can have the property. Opening her mouth will cause her to owe you some huge amount of money. Money and power are always at the root of each problem. I feel sorry for you because your wife is going to still hurt you in the end. She is not your best friend. Best Friends wouldn't threaten to tell something to hurt you. So if you aren't best friends, maybe you should begin treating her like she is less than your best friend and protect yourself.
You had better get an attorney as soon as possible and in the meantime do nothing to meet her demands. Been there and done that so to speak and my ex did not win in the end - my attorney saw to that - and that was in 1979.
No, she won't 'out' me. I am a cross dresser and I owed her the truth. I can't blame her for being angry and disappointed. It's only been three months and she's still reeling from this tsunami of information. These threats are said in the heat of anger. She's not really like that at all. I have hopes of staying with her. We enjoy(ed) a very good life together. Neither one wants that to end. We've seen a psychologist and the counselling helps. I/we think there is a possibility of working this out. She has given me a little wiggle room if I feel the need to dress. We talk a lot and are brutally honest with each other. I understand where she's coming from.....and signing over some property to her won't really hurt me if we did not stay together. It's not as if she needs anything from me to survive. And, we both acquired these assets while we were together. Bottom line is I love her and she's struggling with all the years of my deceit. I get it. And, I believe she still has some love for me. If she did not, she would have left me by now.
For all the years I cross dressed and I kept my secret, I enjoyed it. Little did I know that something that I enjoyed so much would cause me so much pain. So many have told me to tell my family and friends about my crossdressing and hope for the best. If that was so easy, then why haven't so many of you done the same?
Golly . Some lovely replys on this one is'nt there ? I'm agog at what I consider to be non supportive and unfeeling comments towards this thread . From what I have read there has been little or no understanding towards the wife in this situation . Think on , after 15 yrs of dressing in private , going out in secret ( is he meeting someone ? ) would,nt you at least accept her worry may be driving her to behave in this manner ???
Well , for what its worth and for the sake of youre marriage , heres my pennies worth . I,d be looking at things in a different manner . Seems to me shes behaving in this way as an almost to knee jerk a reaction in fear of losing her husband . Perhaps she's using fear as a weapon as she feels so frightened . Her fight or flight nature could have kicked in so hard she's prolly on the defensive hoping you,ll cave in . The stress between you both must be gigantic . I think its wonderful you are now at least both trying to make sense of it all . Sometimes when anger , confusion reigns we simply can,t see the wood for the trees . At least you are BOTH trying . Just try as best as possible to support each other , let the anger fade ......... its not easy but angst is a horrible feeling , you both must be in bits . Be there for each other .
I hope and pray you both find some peace and stability enabelling for you both to talk openly , without threats, or fear before either of you have to make a descision on how to either deal with the situation , or move on alone at least as amicable adults .
Good luck .
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia
Your astounding naivete causes me to wonder how you managed to do well in business. Seriously here -- you are a fool.
Getting you to sign property over, locking "evidence" in bank vaults... those are NOT things done in anger. They are done in cold calculation over a long period of time, through plenty of conversations with a divorce lawyer. My suspicion is that she was compiling "evidence" well before the alleged discovery and blowup. She's been plotting, and guaranteed, her best friends know all about it.
And crying herself to sleep wearing pretty lingerie? Are you kidding me? This is a psychotic, manipulative bitch of the highest order. She's lining you up to take all your shit. You're not getting out of this either way with all your dignity, but you can at least protect your stuff.
Dude: Grow a pair. Get your own lawyer. Pay him well. And remind her who wears the daddy pants. And hire a P.I. too. She's probably been cheating on you for a while.
What have you done to justify anger or disappointment? Why on earth should she be angry that you're a crossdresser? If she found out you were an axe murderer or bank robber, then yeah, she should be angry. But crossdresser? What's the big deal? She might choose not to participate, but why should she be angry about something you are that's (a) harmless and (b) beyond your control?Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia
This is a rhetorical question, of course: the practical matter you're facing is that she *is* angry. I raise the question only to remind you that there are two factors here: your crossdressing, and her reaction to it. Three factors, really: your crossdressing, your previous secrecy, and her reaction to them. But the point is that her reaction is as much a part of the problem as your crossdressing. There is no rational reason for her to object to your crossdressing; if it's not to her taste to see you dressed, she doesn't need to participate in it. If she's bothered by the very thought that her husband isn't the macho dude she imagined, then that's an issue for *her* therapy sessions, not yours. It's not your fault if she has an unrealistic and inflexible idea of your masculinity.
Look, I have sympathy for your wife. She must feel disoriented, confused, embarrassed, questioning the foundations of her marriage and her sexuality. She's working through in three months some issues you've been pondering since childhood. Her confusion is understandable, and her anger is forgivable. But while forgivable, her anger is NOT justified, it is misplaced and misdirected. You have both contributed to this problem: you, through years of secrecy, her, through misdirected anger. Do not let yourself feel that the "blame" is all on you. The sooner you both realize that you've both contributed to the current problem, the sooner you'll find your way back together.
Support ???Quote:
Originally Posted by MissConstrued
Oh my god - you even insult the man calling him an fool , you call his wife a bitch , insinuate she,s adulterous and to include the daddy pants comment to which I find a cave man like notion an insult towards any person who may be emotionally unstable . Again , wheres the support ? Is,nt that what this websites about ??
This thread has to be one of the most unfeeling things I,ve read in a longtime . I,m very dissapointed and certainly can understand why some people may wish to never comment , nor indulge in this forum . At worst , probably leave it all together .
:Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:
The only thing I'd sign would be divorce papers.
I echo everyone's opinions in this matter. Blackmail is a very ugly thing to even think about doing.
Yes, you probably should've told her a long time ago, but don't dwell on that. From your posts I don't think she's trying to accept this at all. You should be concentrating on a compromise, not giving her the ball and having it permanently in her court.
If I were you I'd risk it and go ahead and tell people about yourself. As it has been said, if your friends can't accept you for who you really are then they aren't your friends. As far as your children are concerned, however, there are people on this very message board who came out to their kids and they accepted it. You never know. They just might be fine with it. But it's better to risk that than to be in somebody's pocket for the rest of your life.
Uh, yes she is. You have people who are willing to commit criminal acts, and those who are not. Obviously, you wife is one of the former. Yes, you are still hoping she is the sweet woman you think you married. We now have strong knowledge that she isn't.Quote:
She's not really like that at all
You're in very deep shit. I went through the exact same experience; only, I didn't have as many assets to lose, and I didn't have any kids. And yes, she would have come back for more, but I no longer have any assets to take, already told my family, and the few friends that I had when we were together. They do come back for more.
Bottom line is, she's willingly already committed a felony offense by asking you to sign over material property under threat of exposure, and doesn't care. Talk to a good lawyer, find a way to get evidence of it, even if you have to sign some sort of papers in front of them, as long as you notify a district attorney and have his/her assistance in doing so; you can always say that the papers have to be legal and notorized or something I guess. Then you have her by the short hairs, not the other way around. There are prison terms for what she's trying to do to you. Look around for a reference from some of the gay organizations, there is probably someone who's very up on this type of blackmail. I'm sorry I wasn't clear headed to think of all this when I went through it ten years ago. And, don't sign anything. You'll live to regret it. I did.
There is pissed off, and there is criminal behavior. It's not a leap most people will quickly make. I'm sure his wife didn't come up with this in an instant. She's surely plotted this behavior out very carefully, assuming he will cave in to her demands, as most blackmailers do. Criminals feel entitled to what they want. They don't care about other people. She's already committed the crime. Now, it's just about what to do about it. Do you really think society will feel sorry for a blackmailer??? Do you think any jury will ever say, well, blackmail is justified? I don't think so.Quote:
From what I have read there has been little or no understanding towards the wife in this situation
Thalia, if you go ahead with her plan, be prepared to have her slowly bleed you dry; and when she's done, she may out you anyway. Sure, you may have a large successful practice; and she feels entitled to every penny of it. Once she's got it, you're toast anyway; and after she has all your assets, she may insist you participate in some type of criminal behavior such as fraud to get her even more money. Don't assume she's going to leave you with a red cent. She won't.
Talk to a lawyer fast fast fast. Then quickly get her signature off of your personal retirement accounts. Make sure she hasn't already taken any of your bank accounts for herself. Check to see if your joint credit cards have been maxed out. Check everything quickly. Again, she didn't come up with this plan in a day, and she may already have started the wheels in motion.
Thalia said - "She probably will e mail the pictures to my clients and friends and share the picture and e mails with my sons."
Well I can understand how she'd have access to family email addresses to mail things but why exactly does your wife have access to client email addresses to do this in the first place? I'm assuming you've at least changed all your email passwords so that your wife doesn't have access to further weapons against you? You did do that, right? Right?
Also, check the legal situation because if your wife is setting out to deliberately cause harm to your business through attacking your reputation, then your lawyer is going to love it.
Oh, and everything MissConstrued said +1
These threats are said in the heat of anger. She's not really like that at all.
Did anyone take this onboard ?
Neither one wants that to end. We've seen a psychologist and the counselling helps. I/we think there is a possibility of working this out. She has given me a little wiggle room if I feel the need to dress. We talk a lot and are brutally honest with each other.
Good for you - it takes a lot to admit our wrongs , I hope it works for you in an amicable manner no matter the outcome .
Blow the felony , I think these poor folk need a little understanding here . Think on , this has obviously been discussed in full with a psycologist .
They are simply trying to rediscover trust and committment that has obviously been worn totally away by deception . On both parties . If they are adult enough to both put theyre hands up and own up to marital problems , even if they go wrong and divorce is the final outcome then god bless them for trying .
We all have had our own private trials and problems in our partnership .
I,d like to point out , if anyone of the married crossdressers on here found out suddenly they're partner had an alternate life , in secret how would they react ??
Would you explode , throw threats in youre moments of anger and sheer hurt ??
How would you then feel if you're partner then tried to heal the wounds caused by such behaviour ??
I agree , its a good idea to secure accounts , in all matters .
But I think its paramount if a married relationship is turmoil and someone openly asks for advice or help then perhaps support and a little greater understanding be applied .
I can only end this by asking one question . How would you feel if it were you ? And i can only ask this as I,ve sadly had the experience
myself.
FAIL
Threats in the heat of anger are one thing but as MissConstrued said, these are calculated actions in the cold light of day. She's obtained a CD full of photos (we still haven't been told how incidentally) and put them with printed emails in a safe deposit box. She's having legal documents of ownership drawn up. She's clearly thinking and planning ahead here and the stage is being set. And the problem is that she has the initiative here and it's time to start catching up.
While I can understand an emotional response, lashing out as it were, at first, this has now gone way beyond that.
The chances are that when she gets want she wants ( the house`s ) she will run and expose you in any case, i am sorry to say but i do not think that she is just the sort of person who will just go quietly and know one who hold me to ransom like that it is just not worth it.
I wonder what would happen if you tried to turn the tail and said that you are keeping the house`s and you where thinking of coming out to everyone and see what her reaction is as she would know then that she would not have a hold on you if you done that .
Here is what you should do, and I'll explain why later down.
1)DO NOT! Transfer any ownership of anything to her.
Just do not tell her you have no plans of doing so.
2) Buy a digital voice recorder [radioshack 50 bucks] and start recording every conversation between the both of you BECAUSE IT'S LEGAL to do so [and admissible in court], provided that one of the parties [meaning you] is A: Aware of the recording[s] and B:That you are the one doing the recording.
3) If you like, want, or are attached to your clothes, GET THEM BACK.
Others have said, [soon to be ex]wives will dispose of them, and in one case one even wore them to the court proceedings just to rub it in. In short get them now or lose them forever.
4) If the computer you use is a joint use computer, get a new one for yourself.
If it is already your personal computer, two words: New Passwords.
5) If you don't know a good divorce lawyer, find one, fast, your gonna need one.
6) I'm willing to bet you could not get her out of that house with a shoe horn. You say you have other property. Well then prepare to start living in it.
7) Prepare your kids [not her's], let them know that this is coming and it could get messy. You don't have to give details, especially about the CD'ing just yet.
8) Don't let her hold her kids or their kids over you like a carrot on a stick.
9) You have shown "good faith" so far, what has she done in return???? Therapist? Counciling? Sound good, but if she really loves you and wants to "work this out" then tell her to fork over your personal property [IE: all her "evidence"]
A) She likes dangling carrots in front of you, now its your turn to do the same.
If she wants those properties so bad then tell her once you have the contents of her safety box [don't let her go get it herself, go there with her and get it] then you will reconsider her request for the property.
B) Like it or not, she has seen a laywer,
and she will [probably sooner then later] file for divorce.
Why hasn't she yet? Because that property is probably her first salvo.
You think people come up with "non marital assets" out of no where?
If they are her's alone, she gets them scott free, PLUS half of what is left.
10) "In order to secure peace, you must first prepare for war."
Now the reasons why you can do all the above and
She WILL NOT out you.
Mutually Assured Destruction and Defamation of Character.
She is smart, she knows hurting you will hurt her.
This goes for her sense of Pride, and Greed.
A)Outing you to Friends/Family not only hurts you but her "good standing" in the community as well. AKA: Mutually Assured Destruction
B)Outing you at work is not best for her either.
AKA: Lost Income / Defamation of Character.
If she outs you, your losing clients, which means you lose money, which means there is less for her to take/have.
Which equates to Defamation of Character:
An Oral [Slander] or written [Libel] statement that results in injuring the good name or reputation of another, causing that individual to be held in disrepute.
It does not matter how truthful or untruthful the statement is but rather the intent of the person saying it. She clearly has intent to do harm to you and your business.
Once you have recordings and the contents of the box
File for divorce, usually the first one to the gate wins.
All of her actions will make it easy.
And a possible defamation of character lawsuit and possible criminal charges will make her a lot more compliant and even less likely to try and out you just for spite afterwards.
And if after all this she still tries to out you, well then just sue her for what she got in the divorce.
It's really great that you are seeking counseling and I pray that you and your wife will find your way thru.
However, for you I would reccomend seeing a lawyer and protecting yourself. People that are willing to blackmail for gain would be just as willing to follow thru with the threats AFTER they've gotten all the money/property they want.
You say "she's not like that" but isn't that exactly how she feels about you and your CDing? It's possible to live with a person for years and not see all that they are capable of.
I hope that you two can work this out but I still feel that you need to protect yourself some. Consult some legal/professionals about how you can lay some groundwork for your own protection.
Good luck.
SamanthaM said - "If it is already your personal computer, two words: New Passwords."
New strong passwords on all email accounts (private and business).
New strong passwords for user accounts on the PC. Not that effective but every little helps.
Encrypt the contents of the hard drive. Better yet, flatten the drive and have everything reinstalled on account of having a "virus" and wanting to be on the safe side ;)
Stop storing personal data locally i.e. on your hard drive because even encryption can be cracked pretty easily. Get a USB flash drive, store everything on there and encrypt it so even if it's mislaid or "borrowed", it's less likely to become compromised.
If you have a business website, change your administrator passwords so that your wife can't get in and deface your homepage with photos and text.
If you're using a wireless network make damn sure it's secure with at least WPA encryption, not WEP.
Just a few very quick ideas to cover some basics. There's plenty more you can do of course but that should get you started.
ADDITIONAL
Delete your temporary internet cache at the end of every session and select all options, including passwords.
When you log into things and it says "remember password?", do not select this because anyone looking will find they have instant access to lots of your data such as email accounts, eBay accounts and so forth.
Don't use the same password for everything. Biggest n00b mistake going that one! Unique passwords for every possible thing and remember them, don't write them down!
So you are going to allow this outrageous behavior by a supposedly loving partner because of your business and the kids. I understand. I wonder what they would think of you if they knew you were going along with this evil scheme. Good luck
Ask your wife if she loves you. If she says Yes, she is lying. You deserve better than this.
In times of great emotion we all say something we regret. In times of stress and trauma ( we all have our breaking point no matter how feeble or prominent the reasons) we can behave irrationally .
I think you're doing the best thing you can . Go seek a proffessional outlet , discuss in full youre troubles , and hopefully you,ll see the error of this terrible mess together
.
Shows me several things on reading and re- reading this post sitting here along with my wife which I won't digress .
However , the one thing that shines thru is that if she has sought legal advice , then as ever its evident a lawyer will take on any situation win or lose . Because at the end of the day although blackmail is filth its always the lawyers who win in the end is'nt it ?
Take out the document / photo situation , let the dust settle and keep on communicating .
Good luck .
she is getting ready to dump you not only that she is getting all her ducks in a row. then one day you come home to find your belonging out on the street the locks change and all your hard earned property in her name .
and everything you ever done cding wise exposed to your friends your family and everyone in your circle of life . don't do it you stand to lose everything and the truth is your damed if you do and your damed if you don't. salvage what you can before it's too late.
I'm sorry to say but you may not have much time were will you be one year from now???
SamanthaM is right on .
here is some good military advice *** strike first hit hard *** because if you don't she will and soon mark my words.
I agree with all the other input here. I've been through a divorce already. Get the best lawyer you can afford, and hunker down for hell. If she's already baiting you, then she'll hold this sword over your head, with just a hair's distance from you forevermore. If you get ready to drag her through the mud and prepare her for the reality that you're not going to back down, and I'm quite sure you understand that any decent (or dastardly) lawyer can take a person and make them shine or burn. As soon as someone starts throwing weight around that way, the only way I've found to communicate is with a mediator.
She thinks she has you, and as long as you keep bowing easily, she won't try much. Do your own research, get your own help, and yes, be ready to have your name dragged through the mud a bit. Keep in mind that she's being extremely manipulative, and to execute a smear campaign such as this would surely not come out in her OWN best interests if it were to come to light. Let her know that she best be ready to have her own life ripped to shreds DARE SHE try and rip yours. Pardon the term, but find your self a very aggressive (I've heard the terms 'wild dog/mad dog') attorney and go to it. I'm pretty sure there's lawyers here in the forum so I'm sure they've heard the terms before. My last (and current) attorney is one of the best in my area, and he was worth every dime and EXTREMELY intimidating. My ex-wife broke and signed a heavily weighted agreement to my better because she wasn't looking forward to a multi-year court battle with a warchest that I had already prepared very clearly. I was ready to take a bullet come hell or high-water and she wasn't.
Best of luck to you.
Thalia,
I do understand where you're coming from in the need to want your relationship to work. We all want to love and be loved. I can even understand - to a point - why your wife would be reeling after finding out about the CDing and pics and such. To me, your wife has crossed the line, but if you're willing to go along, there's not much else to say.
I still can't help but think you're now going to stay with her out of fear instead of love. That's a hard life to live.
:hugs:
Thalia
Wife's go through a form of the grieving process which include the 5 stages of grief . Your wife might have made her statements AND actions during the anger stage . SO's will say a LOT of things when they're in this anger phase.If you understand this ,you and her will be able to eventually coast down this very rocky road .If you understand the 5 steps ,you'll be better able to rationalise her actions ,and perhaps yours.Not one of us here can ,upon the little info provided , advise you to "get out ,she's a blackmailer " You re the only one who can do this ,as you know her .Don't forget you've dropped one hell of a bomb onto her . Just look at Karren Hutton's example of "5yrs +" Just remember there's more of us that don't post a great deal that have been through this and kept our relationships intact .Try and wiegh whether other than the blackmail comments whether she still respects you .Remember there's a final 5th stage =acceptance which doesn't necessarily really mean total acceptance of you as a CD but of the situation
Good luck
Thalia,
I'll start by saying that I feel really bad for you being put in that situation. Now, here's my take on the whole thing:
1) I understand her being VERY hurt by your secret coming out. I think there is a high percentage of women that would feel the "hurt" feeling. It's fine to feel hurt.
2) People say things in anger. We all do it- that's fine.
3) Storing your photos and emails and telling you that you need to sign over property (whether it was acquired together or not, it doesn't matter) or she'll out you to your friends, family, and clientelle is fully illegal. That is blackmail and extortion. If she does proceed to out you (whether or not it ruins friendships and business), you can then throw a libel charge on top of it. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.
4) That's great that you are going to counseling together and that it seems to be helping. You need to also consult a lawyer. Do this now to be prepared in case something does happen. It's better to prepare yourself just in case, rather than waiting until it's too late.
5) Not to be critical of you, but to believe "she's not that type of person" is being very naive. She is already proving that she IS that type of person by storing things to hold against you in a safe deposit box- if you don't do what she wants.
6) Essentially this comes down to being a hostage in your own home. You have the right to be who you are. Depending on your state, crossdressing is not an illegal act. Should you have come out a long time ago to her? Yes. We can't change the past, but we can prepare for the future. The feeling that I get is that she is setting the table for your failure in the marriage.
The point has been made on the board so many times that we, as crossdressers, are very selfish. There are many times that I am in total agreement to that. There are the wives, girlfriends, or significant others that say "I'm not comfortable with you doing that" and lay ground rules. That's fine and understandable. There is always a line that's not to be crossed- whether it's with crossdressing or with business. From what you've told us, it sounds like that line HAS been crossed and with the threats of illegal activity, I personally couldn't stay around for that. I understand love greatly and I'm sure that you do love her and that she has love for you. If someone is threatening you with serious illegal activity and essentially threatening to ruin your life, where is the love and where is the trust? To me, it's apparent that there is none.
Just my $.02.
Good luck.
Geez Thalia, you need to rethink things and listen to some of the advice given here. Advice you asked for, BTW.
You say she won't out you? fine, then there's no need to sign things over to her.
You sign things over and I can almost guarantee she'll file for divorce within 6 months.
That will leave you with, what exactly?
And if she files for divorce, she's likely to blackmail you even further. A nice big monthly alimony check, or she'll tell your family, friends, associates, etc.
Granted she has a right to be angry, but you have a right to live without fear of loosing all you've worked so hard for.
Really, can you live the rest of your life wondering what she might do next.
What if she decided to take a lover, and holds your CDing as leverage so you won't object.
I'm sorry, but if she'll blackmail you for one thing, she's likey to blackmail you for another.
Head her off at the pass. Tell your friends, relatives, associates that she's trying to blackmail you for all your possessions just because you like to dress up once in a while.
Stand up an own yourself, don't let her own you.
They say it is good to tell your wife that you are a crossdresser.........before you get married, not 5 10 or 15yrs down the road and when you do tell her the odds are not good for you at all.
Now you say you are going to try to stop dressing once again the odds are not good, most who try to stop........just come back it is very hard to do ...I have try myself.
No married CD wants his wife to out him to his Friends, work and family hell if I was face with that I would sign over the property too....... it is so easy for those who are not in your shoes to pass judgment.
This is why we marrieds CD do not tell are wifes, if it dose not work out the cost could be to great, crossdressing is very hard on a relationship.
You say you were married for 15yrs and for 15yrs you keep your wife from finding out..........you should have wrote a book, because most of us get caught with-in the first 2 yrs, I just do not feel that you should have told her
.......she was happy.
LA CINDY LOVE
I'll vehemently agree with cindym5_04 above. What your wife is doing is illegal.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia
You can and, in the right moment should, counter her blackmail by noting that you will have no choice but to file a criminal complaint.
I'd be very, very direct with her. Blackmail is not a foundation for a successful marriage. Either the blackmail stops, or the counseling is for naught. Either she is serious about making the relationship work or she is not. You can offer her that seriousness by agreeing to boundaries that you both compromise on (not just her way or the highway) and live within them without question.
As to your sons that are grown; c'est la vie. They are adults. It would hurt if they turned their backs on you, but that's life.
As to your job and standing in the community; tough. Look, there's a damn good chance she's going to pull that trigger anyways.
If you can't get her to stop blackmailing you, the relationship is likely over. What I'd do, since she's going to pull that trigger anyways, is go on the offensive. Defang the blackmail. Inform your sons on your own. Inform your clients. Inform any friends. You have a MUCH better chance of retaining your sons, clients, and friends if you tell them on YOUR terms than if your wife goes blaring it out to the entire world on her terms. Before doing this, set aside some thousands of dollars such that your wife can not get access to it.
If you do this, your wife may go ballistic. In fact, I bet she will. In your shoes, I'd tell her "You left me no choice. It was better to tell these people on my terms than for you to inform them about a subject on which you are not yet knowledgeable."
This is your life. It's not hers. It's not your sons. It's not your clients. Its not your friends. Cut the woe is me song and start standing up for your life. FIGHT. It's the only chance you have of saving your marriage. Acting meek and buckling under every threat she tosses at you is a damned good way to undermine the marriage.
In approaching your clients, you might send out a mailing along these lines:
"Dear Mr./Ms. Smith,
Due to circumstances beyond my control information regarding my private life may become public in the near future. I wanted to take the opportunity to inform you that I have never allowed my private life to affect my professional life. I take your patronage of this practice seriously, and always act in your best interests regardless of any external factors.
In the United States today, there are more than ten million people who self identify as being transgendered. I am one of those millions. I am not a freak. I am not a criminal. I am human. If you would like more information regarding transgender topics, please see <insert resource>
I love my wife and children very much. I've always been faithful to them in every respect and will continue to be so. Similarly, I have always been faithful to professional ethics in my conduct with your patronage of this practice.
I recognize that some of you may not be willing to further consider your patronage of this practice given this knowledge. To you I give my thanks for your past patronage and I wish you the best in your future. For those of you who will be remaining with this office, I also offer my thanks and assurance that this office will continue as before, and nothing will change in any respect with regards to the conduct of business at this office. "
You don't need to go into details about how you are transgendered. It's a private subject. If, following this letter, your wife attempts to contact your clients with more information, call the police and have her arrested for harrassment.
What caused you so much pain isn't the crossdressing. It was not telling her before being married. You can't correct that now, but you should not attribute to crossdressing what is attributable to a failure to inform.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia
Nobody said it was easy. It's terrifying. For some, the outcome is incredibly bad. For some, the outcome is great. It is very hard to know in advance what the outcome will be.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia
But look at it this way; it's reasonably likely that your wife would have found your stash of clothes or some other evidence of your crossdressing eventually. This forum is full of stories of CDers getting caught. The only way one can be 100% sure of never being caught is to never crossdress or have any of the accoutrements of crossdressing. That of course is essentially impossible for a crossdresser.
Which would you rather have? Tell her yourself or have her discover on her own? Maybe she would have said nothing on discovery, and assumed it was another woman and started divorce proceedings right away. You've no idea how she would react to that knowledge.
It is incredibly selfish and self serving to not tell a spouse when there are no children involved. Not only is there substantial risk of discovery, but WHEN you die, she may still be alive (remember that on average women outlive men) and discover all of your clothes, makeup, etc. Then she'll have no one to turn to for answers. She'll never know the truth. Did you have a mistress? She'll spend the rest of her life possibly thinking you were cheating on her.
I don't profess to know the answers when their are children involved. If there are no children involved though, I feel very strongly that it is absolutely wrong to keep this from your wife.
<assuming no kids involved>Quote:
Originally Posted by LA CINDY LOVE
Which is better? The wife finding out by accident or being told? You note that most of us get caught within the first two years. So, better to leave it to being caught than not telling up front?
Not telling is just staving off the inevitable, and potentially leaving a wife with a zillion questions unanswered after you die and she finds your stash.
Thalia,Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia
This is why your not thinking correctly, because your using your heart, not your brain on this matter...
She has your Emails & pictures and that's plenty of ammo for her to use against you to hold you hostage..So there's absolutely no need for you to sign away your joint properties & sign that letter.....
There's only ONE explanation for why she wants you to do this, and that's because she WILL divorce you after the properties are solely in her name along with the notarized letter stating that those properties are not to be considered marriage assets...that's the final nail in the coffin..
So tell her she already has enough, she doesn't need anything else and see what she says, if she says she must have those properties to keep you from doing this again, then you will know right then & there she fully intends to divorce you very soon.. I'd bet my life on it..
If it was just a matter of putting her name on the properties, that's nothing, because in court, it would still be divided down the middle no matter what, but the biggest killer for you is signing that notarized letter...That would leave you out in the cold without a chance of ever fairly splitting your assets..
What your dealing with is a woman's scorn right now, shes playing it cool using sex as a tool to make you think everything will be fine & buying time until she has everything set up in her favor, after that, she Will go for your jugular in court..
My advise for you is see an very good divorce attorney NOW, before she gets the one you want..but chances are she's already done that, so I'm betting she has already put one on retainer..,:sad:
Again, You need to think with the right head on this, the big one, not the little one, and try to leave your heart out of this, it'll just mess you up..
Good Luck..Because your going to need it..
There is SO much good advice for you here, Thalia... but the most important should be reiterated:
-- DO NOT SIGN OVER ANYTHING
and you have two choices regarding her blackmailing you:
-- Just go ahead and out yourself before she does, she no longer has a weapon against you. Weather the consequences and get on with your life.
-- Record her conversations, get evidence she intends to blackmail you, and consider hiring a PI to see if there is additional dirt you can get on her. Let her know in no uncertain terms that if she outs you, her name will be dragged through the mud along with yours, and that the results for her will be at least as bad as for you. Blackmailers will pull the trigger on a pistol that will take down their hostage, but they typically will not pull the pin on a grenade that will blow them up too.
You need to protect yourself, no matter where the marriage goes. I wish you luck and hope you can work it out, but in case things don't go that way, get your ducks in a row just like your wife is clearly doing.
Thanks, Julie.Quote:
Originally Posted by JulieC
I think that's pretty much the perfect letter that could be written too for this particular incident as well.
[size="4"]Bingo![/size]Quote:
Originally Posted by karen564
This is FANTASTIC way to call her bluff. Major kudos Karen, and Thalia, take this advice. Her blackmail has plenty enough teeth in it without the properties for what she purports it is for; to keep you in line. She doesn't need the properties. She needs them for one reason; to divorce you.
I strongly agree with others. Start thinking with your big head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistress michelle
If "support" is all about making people feel better, then no, I suppose I'm not very good at that. Maybe I lack bedside manner. Should we all join hands and sing campfire songs? Group hug? Perhaps I misread the OP, but it looked as though he was seeking advice, not a group hug.
If a swift kick in the pants from me and others is enough impetus to hire a lawyer, and save himself a lot of grief down the road, then it's worth it. Thalia is about to be bent over and dry-raped, and all you're offering is a bit of lube.
I stand by my assertions regarding the wife. I have a number of friends who are/were private investigators. This type of story is quite common. The woman will hire the PI to investigate her husband -- for anything at all that can be used to get her more out of a divorce. Then she'll put on this big drama over being "betrayed" when all along she's been banging the gardener or the pool boy. I may be wrong, but I am drawing on some experience here. I hope I'm wrong, in fact, but we do no one any favors by pretending it's not a possibility.
I wholly stand by my assertion that blackmail is not a heat of passion act. It's an entirely rational and calculated maneuver.
:eek: Ill have to agree with MissConstrued on this one !! i would NOT sign anything ide take her on vacation !
Her'e how she got the photos. She discovered a key on my bureau which was to my 'secret' mailbox where my clothes and correspondence was mailed. We discussed this mailbox and I told her that the year's rental was up and I had to turn in the key or renew the rental. I decided to turn in the key and she came with me. Well, in the box was an envelope containing the cds of my transformation. She wanted to see them and I did not get them back.Quote:
Originally Posted by Senban
It's all about Priorities. I'm not sure if crossdressing is a divorcible offense, it's not like you slept with another woman, maybe your wife is feeling betrayed, just because she wants you to burn in hell for a bit doesn't mean she doesn't love you, Do you love her more than your cd parties? More than your job? More than your reputation?
Everyone here is assuming Thalia's wife is the bitch. Maybe Thalia is the bitch. We haven't heard Thalia's wfe's side of this.
As your attorney, my advice would be to protect your own butt and if you've got to get out, get out with as much intact as you can. But it's sad, it seems to me you weren't acting in the best interests of your marrige for a long time, women don't like to be made into fools, you must have known that.
Anyway, I've never been married, It's funny all the married people here seem so cold and ruthless!!!
GET A LAWYER NOW. FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. IN MICHIGAN We HAVE A GROUP OF LAWYERS, ADAM AMERICAN DIVORCE ASSOCIATION for MEN. Get this help NOW. You set the ground rules. A laywer from your state, who knows the local rules.
Preach it, sister. I worry that getting outed would harm my personal and professional life, but even I wouldn't let an extortionist bleed me for the rest of my life. Refuse to sign over and be prepared for some serious spin control on any damage she tries to do, but don't let her call the shots. I do like the idea of keeping something with you at all times that you can record on, so you can get proof she's trying to blackmail you.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissConstrued
And don't forget, if you ever need character witnesses you can call on all of us!
ralph
I hope for your sake you are right. You may be betting your live on this.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia
Thalia, you have been given lots of great advice. I can only add one thing from my recent divorce situation: for years my wife (now ex) had talked, yelled, screamed "what will your daiughters think; your sons-in-law won't associate with you; J... will not let you see/take care of your grandchildren. etc". You get the picture.
Well, my wife got a very big unpleasant surprise! When she told them we were getting a divorce and that I was a CD, they really only were upset about the divorce. They didn't really care that I was a CD. After we told my youngest daughter and husband, my wife said "well, I just wasted 20 years of protecting you" or words to that effect.
Your wife is putting you in an untenable situation. You must protect yourself!
Wow, you are in a very tough spot. I let me soon to be exwife use my crossdressing against me in my custody battle for our son. I did not want it exposed any more than it had been already. I was afraid she would tell my friends, my family, and my coworkers. I caved to her and I regret it today. I know where your coming from and know that you want to do the right thing and make it work but in my opinion she should not be using this against you. She should not have had to take it to this level. Are you a different person because you crossdress? Are you not the same man she fell in love with? What is so wrong with you just because you crossdress. It does not change the person you were and are today.
All I can say is that I wish I would have been more strong, stood up to my exwife more, and not let her use my crossdressing as a tool to get what she wanted. If you let her do this she will continue to use this against you to the day you die.
Is this what you want?
trisha
Sad to say she is your "best friend", she is far from it. Blackmail under any circumsance is wrong and coming from the person you love is a huge blow. I could see her making you sleep on the couch, not talk to you for awhile or even threaten to get a divorce for this. What she is doing is cold and deliberate. Sign property over or even going to the trouble of rounding up all e-mails and pictures and putting them in a safe deposit box. I'm sorry but this is wrong on so many levels.Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia
She will out you when the time is right for her. This is not being done out of anger. Anger is usually not very rational and she sounds very rational and calculating. Who thinks to change a property over and accompany it with a letter stating it is not 'marital property' unless they had other plans. The pictures should be more than enough to keep you in line :heehee:. Your defence stating she doesn't need any more, she is fine. Why couldn't she use some more money or property for herself and her kids. Can never have enough.
Hopefully you can stand your ground and protect yourself. Really think about this, in your heart do you think IF someone really loved you, would she pull these actions and threats of blackmail on you?. If you do then have a happy life and I hope you do not regret it later. I couldn't imagine the person I loved doing that to me but to each their own.
For the couple of others who got mad at the responses, check the last line in the original post. Your going to get these replies, you asked.
Thalia,
I'm a GG and usually sympathetic to the wives' situations. Really, I usually understand where they are coming from.
But in this case, your wife is truly out to take you for all you've got. Please, please listen to all the advice given here. These people are right.
People do not get terms like "joint marital property" out of thin air. They get them from lawyers. She has already seen a tough divorce lawyer, and is looking for ways to get everything she can from you before she files.
The counseling is just so she can tell the judge that she tried her best.
I know you don't want to believe this, but I'm completely certain this is correct. I know you really want to believe that your wife isn't like this, but...she is.
Please be realistic and protect yourself.
Nah, we're a bunch of hopeless romantics. It's just that those of us who are happily married can't imagine our wives blackmailing us, and see that's something's clearly "off" with Thalia's wife. Those who are unhappily married, or divorced, well, they recognize the signs of oncoming disaster.Quote:
Originally Posted by Berinthia
Anyone who's been married more than a month knows that marriages have their ups and downs. The good marriages are those where the ups and downs are negotiated with patience, understanding, and humor, and don't devolve into mind games, threats, and ultimatums.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissConstrued
Has anyone replying to this thread considered the responses given to be intimidating or aggressive ? I think if you ask the originator you will certainly be in for a shock believe me . Tell you what , don,t bother - he's enough to deal with already . Thats all I'm gonna say .
I've found most responses have been too quick to jump to conclusions. It's completely warranted to suggest that Thalia should not sign anything and that she should be prepared for the worst. On the other hand -- as I think one poster may have pointed out -- it is still possible that these blackmail tactics are simply Thalia's wife's fumbling, desperate attempt to manipulate Thalia into stopping her dressing, and not some setup for a nasty divorce. The truth is, none of us really know.Quote:
Originally Posted by mistress michelle
Thalia, if you're still reading the deluge of responses to your query, don't give up yet on your marriage, but please, please do protect yourself. One thing you should have learned from all the responses is that your wife's financial "blackmail" is not normal even from wives who are intolerant of crossdressing. So hope for the best, but be on your guard.
One other thing: is there anyone among your friends and family to whom you can open up about this? Someone who knows both you and your wife, who can be trusted to be understanding of your crossdressing; a sibling, a friend, a minister? Folks on this board are well-intentioned but we don't know you and your wife, and some here bring baggage from their own bad experiences, and some, like me, who have good marriages might be over-optimistic. Don't bear this all on your own shoulders. If it goes badly, or even if it goes well, you're going to need friends you can talk to about it.
Did nobody learn a damn thing from this thread by [SIZE="6"]Jess_cd32 ?[/SIZE]