Should I help or keep out of it?

After reading the increasing, "Don't touch that!" hysteria that's building on this post, I feel I have to say, "Horse Hockey!"

For all you Chicken Little's who say, "Run!" how about standing your ground and saying, "Prove your concerns and accusations. You can't do it because it didn't happen and it didn't happen because you have the wrong ideas about this sort of thing."

It's crossdressing and/or gender/sexual choice issues - not nuclear bombs, cancer, or, financial ruin.

Horse hockey.

So, you're all best friends... But, she really knows very little about you as she comes over - to YOU - hysterical because her son is in the living room playing dress-up with his sister and her friend.

OK, so there's three of them and one of her and they're dumb enough to get, er, caught? Er, um, dressing for the school play? Yeah, that's it... "We were going to surprise you but you came home early.. Darn."

So, dumb and dumb meet dumber.

Just wondering, are all you still digging that hole deeper? Is she still crying like she's new to this century, has the boy killed himself yet, have the sister and her friend run off to Mexico?

None of this would be such a world-ending shock had you two, in the past few years, been better friends than to keep your best pal there in the dark about your life, and life in general.

Now, posters on this forum are telling you to run and hide?

Where? And, for how long? The longer you keep mum, the worst it's going to look later. And, she's going to feel an even bigger fool for having come to you in the first place.

Nice work all around.

If you had any pride and/or intelligence at all, you'd offer that this is not the end of the world, just a surprise. And, you'd have said something sooner, but you didn't think it proper -at the time - to expose the kids to this kind of thing. You were wrong, in hindsight, not to offer a more honest view of the world, but it's only recently that you have seen how, "What you don't know can hurt you."

Time to be a hero, not a coward, a jerk, or, a clown. No better time to start setting things right than right now. Start with an apology and come clean - before you get found out anyway and a bigger truck load of horse poop lands on all of you.

That's reason enough, but a better is still:

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maryklinden

Time to be a hero, not a coward, a jerk, or, a clown. No better time to start setting things right than right now.

---

what? How is staying out of this being a coward? I disagree big time.

>>what? How is staying out of this being a coward? I disagree big time.

JB,

I think the feeling is that the neighbor was/is being asked for help but he's holding back for fear of getting hurt himself.

And, he will probably get hurt, some, but he might lessen someone's else's, a lot, if he acts.

I appreciate that he asked for help before wading in, it's been helpful I think... But, now it's probably time to get on with it.

MKL

[SIZE="2"][/SIZE]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maryklinden

After reading the increasing, "Don't touch that!" hysteria that's building on this post, I feel I have to say, "Horse Hockey!"

For all you Chicken Little's who say, "Run!" how about standing your ground and saying, "Prove your concerns and accusations. You can't do it because it didn't happen and it didn't happen because you have the wrong ideas about this sort of thing."

It's crossdressing and/or gender/sexual choice issues - not nuclear bombs, cancer, or, financial ruin.

Horse hockey.

So, you're all best friends... But, she really knows very little about you as she comes over - to YOU - hysterical because her son is in the living room playing dress-up with his sister and her friend.

OK, so there's three of them and one of her and they're dumb enough to get, er, caught? Er, um, dressing for the school play? Yeah, that's it... "We were going to surprise you but you came home early.. Darn."

So, dumb and dumb meet dumber.

Just wondering, are all you still digging that hole deeper? Is she still crying like she's new to this century, has the boy killed himself yet, have the sister and her friend run off to Mexico?

None of this would be such a world-ending shock had you two, in the past few years, been better friends than to keep your best pal there in the dark about your life, and life in general.

Now, posters on this forum are telling you to run and hide?

Where? And, for how long? The longer you keep mum, the worst it's going to look later. And, she's going to feel an even bigger fool for having come to you in the first place.

Nice work all around.

If you had any pride and/or intelligence at all, you'd offer that this is not the end of the world, just a surprise. And, you'd have said something sooner, but you didn't think it proper -at the time - to expose the kids to this kind of thing. You were wrong, in hindsight, not to offer a more honest view of the world, but it's only recently that you have seen how, "What you don't know can hurt you."

Time to be a hero, not a coward, a jerk, or, a clown. No better time to start setting things right than right now. Start with an apology and come clean - before you get found out anyway and a bigger truck load of horse poop lands on all of you.

That's reason enough, but a better is still:

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

---

[SIZE="2"][/SIZE]
I think I must have missed something here.
.................................................. ........thanks............ORCHID

Quote:

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Originally Posted by maryklinden

It's crossdressing and/or gender/sexual choice issues -
not nuclear bombs, cancer, or, financial ruin.

So, dumb and dumb meet dumber.

Just wondering, are all you still digging that hole deeper?

None of this would be such a world-ending shock had you two, in the past few years, been better friends than to keep your best pal there in the dark about your life, and life in general.

Nice work all around.

If you had any pride and/or intelligence at all, you'd offer that this is not the end of the world, just a surprise.

Time to be a hero, not a coward, a jerk, or, a clown. No better time to start setting things right than right now. Start with an apology and come clean - before you get found out anyway and a bigger truck load of horse poop lands on all of you.

---

:iagree:

Now tell us how you really feel without sugarcoating it Mary :lol2:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jenny Brown

what? How is staying out of this being a coward? I disagree big time.

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Wow big shocker there.........
How'd I guess you of all people would have disagreed with what maryklinden has said :brolleyes:

I think you should stay out of it. I think you are doing the correct thing by recommending the internet, etc.

If you out anyway then I would say then get involved more than you are.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SamanthaM

:iagree:

Now tell us how you really feel without sugarcoating it Mary :lol2:

Wow big shocker there.........
How'd I guess you of all people would have disagreed with what maryklinden has said :brolleyes:

---

But, let me ask both of u "heroes" a question:
Do u wear your wildest "drag queen" imitation outfits out shopping at Macy's? Why not? There's no LAW against doing that is there?:brolleyes:
Why not? What r u afraid of?

Does it have anything to do with living in the REAL WORLD? And those realities include men that fool around with neighbor boys can get into BIG trouble! And there R LAWS against that!:doh:

I agree that as a friend and neighbor, he SHOULD be able to try and help the kid!
But, considering the REALITY of the litigious and gay/ CD suspicious world in which we live, advising him do so, WITHOUT knowing all the people involved, and the details, I think is A BAD IDEA!:sad:

I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with; "fear", or, "being heroes", but, about using common sense!

I'm can not disagree more with Maryklinden. Like it or not, the young boy is not our charge and no one has the right to parent him but his mother. The fact she confided to her neighbor and friend doesn't disloves the family unit.

The situation is not Guyinheels' situation to slove. In no way is it being a coward to respect the situation and be what in fact he is, "someone looking in". What this family needs is a good freind(s) and friends do not judge a situation but are simply there to support and encourage love and nurturing. As in all things, there is a time to stand quiet, time to talk, there is a way to talk, a purdent way, a sensitive way, and that is not being a chicken little, it's being wise and disreet and it's being a friend.

The fact that this young boy dresses as a female in no way opens himself to any self-proclaimed gender expert. Who is anyone to decide anything for this young man. We may see the signs of things to come, we may relate to it so very truely, but this journey is his and his mothers, respect it and keep your lipstick to yourself.

Cassie

Quote:

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Originally Posted by SamanthaM

Wow big shocker there.........
How'd I guess you of all people would have disagreed with what maryklinden has said

---

I disagree with you too if that's any consolation to you. :heehee:

DS and TC,

I would have no problem with CDing at Macy's - my cash is as good as anyone's.

And, I did not say GnH should parent the kid. He - as we all should - should manage his life so that his choices, interests, politics and viewpoints do not someday come as a sudden difficult-to-deal with damaging surprise to himself and others.

I'm firmly in the "don't get involved" camp.

I mean, as we all know, crossdressing is easily the worst thing in the entire world that you can do. Under NO circumstances should you ever admit to anyone that you're into that kind of thing, and you certainly shouldn't go around insinuating that it's in any way an acceptable behavior. This is basic stuff, people...don't you remember the speech we got on the first day? The first rule of crossdressing is, You do not talk about crossdressing. The second rule of crossdressing is, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT CROSSDRESSING.

Here you have a teenager who looks like he might actually be showing some signs of comfort and self-acceptance regarding this awful lifestyle. The best thing you can do for his advice-seeking mother is to remain stone-faced, agree that it's quite an unfortunate situation, and maybe urge her to "do what needs to be done" to nip it in the bud. Do not even suggest anything along the lines of "It's no big deal," lest you be branded a SYMPATHIZER. Or worse!

Hopefully, the mother will harangue the boy and forbid him from ever dressing up again, he'll develop a robust sense of shame, and he'll repress the hell out of this side of himself for the rest of his life. Then he'll be cured! Everyone wins!

(Yes, in case you haven't caught on by now, I'm being sarcastic. Now seriously....here we have a young "sister" who's in a pickle because Mom caught him and is terrified that he might be gay, or a sexual deviant, or worse....and Mom, completely serendipitously, comes to EXACTLY the right person to offer some perspective.....and some people's instinct is to say things like "Run the other way!" and "Nothing good can come of this"? Seriously? Unbelievable.)

I have to say I agree with DRS... If anything, I would get your wife to try to explain about TGism to the neighbour without outing yourself... at this stage. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

And those realities include men that fool around with neighbor boys can get into BIG trouble! And there R LAWS against that!

---

What do you mean by "fooling around"? Look, no one is suggesting that he invite the kid away for a private weekend of crossdressing at a secluded estate in the Appalachians.

What has been suggested is that his wife take Mom aside and say something like, "Hey, this might seem like a really strange thing to you right now, but I know for a fact that it's no big deal, because my husband is a Perfectly Normal Guy who does the same thing." That seems perfectly reasonable to me, and it seems like it would go a long way towards allaying the woman's uneasiness. And I think that putting it that way would be far more effective than the middle-ground, don't-out-yourself route of saying "Hey, I have a friend, who has a friend, who has a friend, who's a crossdresser, and he's OK."

To think that this woman, after hearing something like the above, would somehow leap to the idea that guynheels has been surreptitiously inculcating the youth into his nefarious lifestyle seems awfully paranoid to me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Xenia

What has been suggested is that his wife take Mom aside and say something like, "Hey, this might seem like a really strange thing to you right now, but I know for a fact that it's no big deal, because my husband is a Perfectly Normal Guy who does the same thing."

---

IMHO, something like that would be a huge mistake. Who says this kid's Mom wouldn't broadcast it to the whole town? Don't get involved AT ALL is the best advice. Let this family deal with their own issues. This is the type of thing that could come back to bite you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by deja true

Hmmm! Don't think I'd out myself to the mom or the son at this point. Despite your attempt to convince her that her son is prolly not gay, she may know so little about CDing that you won't be able to convince her. And if you out yourself, she'll think you are too. And that will bring up a lot more worries for her about her "weird" neighbor, whether you were friends in the past or not!

If she wants to, I think it better if your wife handles the conversation, startng with something like "Well, actually I have a very good friend who is a closeted cross-dresser and...". That could explain her knowledge of the behaviour and why she would have so much information so easily at hand.

How about if, as a way to help her friend, they do some internet research on the subject of transgender life together? That way, they could "discover" together some of the best information available on line and avoid some of the more scary or salacious stuff that will undoubtedly come up if the mom did a search herself. (The University of Michigan site might be a good place to start. It shows successful trans people in a very good light.)

How about they go to the nearest Borders or Barnes and Noble bookstore looking for more information and "happen upon" a few of the very insightful books that are generally available, like My Husband Betty or others....

I think it might be good to get the helpful sister involved as well. Maybe her accepting and supportive nature, and her input about her generation's more non-judgemental acceptance of trans behaviour might be able to influence the mom, too. Your wife and the sister together could sorta "tag team" the mom and offer a lot of support between them.

If the boy were over 18, I might advise getting involved sooner, but at that younger age, I'd hang back and let your supportive wife be the front person, if she has the wish to help.

Good luck with this thorny problem, guy!

Hope the mom calms enough to listen to, and begin to accept, some ideas that are obviously gonna be very new to her life.

---

I have to agree. You could become part of the problem and she might decide to move away from you.

I agree with those that think that the wife should educate her neighbor without outing the spouse. She can definitely point the way for both her neighbor and her son without introducing a new issue.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sarah_GG

If anything, I would get your wife to try to explain about TGism to the neighbour without outing yourself... at this stage. :)

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With respect, I disagree with some of what you say. As long the OP is happy to be outed then that will allow the wife to talk about about TGism with some authority. It will allow the mother to see that being TG is not incompatible with having a normal family life. Step one in all of this should be to help the mother come to terms with her son's TGism.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jenny Brown

I disagree with you too if that's any consolation to you. :heehee:

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Thanks for making my day! :lol2:

:w00t: :Party2: :yahoo:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jenny Brown

Who says this kid's Mom wouldn't broadcast it to the whole town?

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You're right. There's no guarantee that she wouldn't. But if she's really as close to Guy's wife as he says, it seems highly unlikely. And do you really think that the overall guiding force in life's decisions should be desperate avoidance of every little risk?

Hey, I'm just saying what I would do in the situation. I'm not "out" at all. But I'd encourage my wife to talk to this woman, and I'd tell her that, if it seemed appropriate and would help reassure her, she should go right ahead and out me to her (making it clear that this was being shared in confidence, of course) without a second's thought.

I remember all too well being 15 myself. The guilt and confusion about why I felt the need to borrow my sister's clothes whenever I could get away with it. And the scorching, white hot terror at the thought of getting caught (thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I never was).

If my mom had caught me and gone off on a screaming/crying jag like this, I'd've wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

But if she'd come back later and said, "You know, I talked to a good friend of mine, and I did some thinking, and now I think I overreacted earlier. This isn't such a big deal, and if it makes you happy, go for it," I'd've been the happiest kid in the world.

And as I'm reading this story now, I'll say that if I were in a position to help bring about that latter conversation, and did nothing because I was afraid of what would happen to me, I'd feel like the biggest asshole in the world.

So you are outed to Mom. Maybe Mom thinks well, how about that? If my nice neighbor does that, then it is alright after all. Well, that's what we all would like for her to say isn't it? But, maybe Mom, who is already very distraught, doesn't react like we wish she would. She might certainly begin to see you in a new light for sure; a light that might lead her to suspect all sorts of things in her agitated state. A mother who is that concerned for her son might conclude something totally wrong. In today's world, things could spiral out of control quickly, and quite ugly as well. Don't out yourself. Find a way to support them both but don't put yourself in the 'jack-pot'.

Hey, you know, this isn't about not being ashamed of being a crossdresser. It isn't about "taking a stand for the cause". If you feel fearless and believe that nothing bad can come of your involvement, then dive in. Many here cannot take that risk. If you feel froggy, jump.

Unless you are a professional counselor, just be a good neighbor and simply let your wife be a good friend. You really do not know what your neighbor's son feels like. You do not know all of your neighbor's family issues and problems. This is not about you. Let you neighbor work this out without confusing things. Keep things simple. I think you can help best by not helping.

OK Guyinheels, you have now heard EVERYBODY'S OPINION. It's been quite a few days, so how about an update?

If you can tell us; what has happened, what you decided was your best course of action, and what do you think The Future holds for this family?

We all shot our "Opinion Wads," so we now want to know! Please keep us informed.

Peace and Love, Joanie

Ol Charlie Dickens would say that outing yourself here is "a far, far better thing to do". That could be a line from A Tale of Two Selves. OK, I will stop trying to be cute.

Only you can evaluate the consequences of outing yourself in this case. But, only you can share some very valuable and possibly life-changing insights and advice. But, before you do it, be sure to evaluate your own TG as it applies to your life. Be sure that you feel very solid about yourself and that you have valuable thoughts that would have helped you in that same sort of situation years ago.

Go in peace.

Ok, the biggest problem or conflict in this thread is that everyone is making wild assumptions based on one single post without a ton of information.

First of all, let's stop acting like this kid is perfectly well adjusted just because his sister and her friend know. Let's not forget that the reason his mom originally became suspicious is that his behavior had changed so dramatically that she thought he was doing drugs or something worse. Despite how "convienent" it may seem to some that his mom just happened to catch him and his sister, doesn't mean they planned it. Kids get caught all the time doing things they don't expect to be caught doing. I definitely almost got caught dressing a few times as a teen, and also sneaking out of the house, and it wasn't cause I wanted to be caught. Teens do dumb stuff.

Having said that, we're also assuming a lot about the relationship between the two women. So rather than say "Hey, she'll obviously think that guynheels corrupted her son," why doesn't GnH instead talk to his wife about it and say "Do you think she'll think that?" Obviously there is some level of trust between the wife and her friend that her friend felt she could tell her, the wife probably knows if her friend would blab her husband's secret to the neighborhood.

So all Guynheels should do right now is decide with his wife if they are comfortable with the wife's friend knowing he crossdresses. That's the first step. Then if they decide to move forward, as others have suggested, it should be his WIFE, not him, that talks to her friend and just says "Ok, you trusted me with a big secret, so I'm going to trust you." and then go into the information about her husband.

No offer whatsoever should be made or even inferred for Guynheels to speak to the kid, and guynheels absolutely should not do so without the boy's mother suggesting it first. And if the mother does suggest such a thing, make sure she is present and that GnH's wife is present too. Also, as others have said, no attempt to play gender therapist should be done, no "tips on crossdressing" should be shared. The only thing that GnH should do is provide an example for the boy's mother of an adjusted, stable, married man who wear's women's clothing, and if need be, pass on some constructive references for information should the mother and son decide to pursue that on their own.

Yes, there is a lot to risk here, which is why the most important thing is for him to speak with his wife about what she thinks the best course of action here is, rather than us bickering back and forth about what her friend who we don't know would do.

And honestly, if they decide not to out GnH, it has been a few days, The wife could conceivably say "Hey, after I talked to you, I asked a friend of mine who crossdresses and he told me to tell you...." Honestly, I think it's reasonable that a stranger consulted would provide some helpful info. If someone you knew who new about your dressing said "Hey, my girl friend just caught her son crossdressing, do you think you could give me some info to help her deal with what to do" that you wouldn't be like "oh sure, here check out this web page and this book..." I think it's a pretty wild assumption to think that the friend would make the leap from "I talked to a friend" into "my husband crossdresses"

All good advise, as most said. The lady wanted to speak to your wife and you were asked to leave. It is still in your wifes hands. Stay out unless asked.

Best to all involved

For someone at that age I would not out myself but I would recommend that both the mother and the son seek professional help - to educate her and to help the son understand what he is feeling and going through. There likely is nothing worse than a nonprofessional at talking to someone and, likely, not having a clue as to what to say or do or recommend. It would be folly to get involved in a situation such as this a young man, an unknowing neighbor. I think that there can oinly be a disaster waiting to happen in this situation.

what a fascinating turn of events!

my first thought would be this.... "to what end?" what outcome are you trying to help her toward?

let's not beat around the bush, there's likely some element of sexuality involved here and so a misstep could be very sobering.

if your purpose is to help her understand that crossdressing isn't a life sentence to homosexuality.....do you know for a fact that's not the case with her son?

if it is to give her assurance that a crossdresser can lead a fairly average and ordinary life you might be just the ticket.

if it's to point her toward resources where she can be more accepting of her son, help him find his own way and the two of them maintain a healthy relationship......i'm sure you can do a great job of that.

the very best of luck to you and them!

Quote:

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if your purpose is to help her understand that crossdressing isn't a life sentence to homosexuality.....do you know for a fact that's not the case with her son?

---

I've seen this a couple of times in this discussion and it sort of hasn't sat right with me.

we don't know the sexuality of the son, but that shouldn't matter, should it really? There's a difference though between saying the two things don't go hand in hand and saying that there's no way he is.

The point is to say, if he is a crossdresser and he ends up being gay, he's likely not gay because he's a crossdresser and he's not a crossdresser because he is gay.

The emphasis of the discussion should be on the fact that Guynheels is well adjusted, happy, and stable, and that a crossdresser can be such things. And yes, since he *is* straight, that he is happily married to a supportive, amazing woman who accepts him.

I guess I just don't think the point to hammer home for this woman is that she should only be accepting of her crossdressing son if it means he's not likely to be gay.

The absolute worst thing about being a cross dresser when I was young, was thinking I was the only one and must be weird and then some, at least this lad has his sister to help him but the mother must be having a struggle and my guess would be believing herself to be at fault, if she can be made to understand that it is not a bad thing and learn to support him, it will in turn help her - me I would try and help the mom

hi. first of all we need to know that the friend came to guy&heels wife woman to woman, as much as we'd like to think that as crossdressers we instantly become as one with woman kind, this woman has turned to a friend for comfort and support, secondly why is it essentual that guy&heels is supposed to be the expert, two things here in two years how close have the to familys become and that includes the child, and would you feel at fifteen if you found out that your mother had been telling the hole street that you crossdress, one surgestion (only) would be (and this has to be from the mother's persueing the situation with guy&heels wife is as two woman on a learning curve, in as much as you have a problem you came to me for support letts learn together, but it must be the two woman friends as far as i can see. cheers bye:)

Do yourself a favor don't get involved it could be the most sorry day of
your life run don't walk away from this before it bites youin the a$$.
.
.................................................. ......................thanks......ORCHID

Quote:

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Originally Posted by DawnRodgers

I would recommend that both the mother and the son seek professional help -

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Yeah, that won't make Mom think there's anything wrong... "Seek professional help!"

:brolleyes:

And I'm sure that's feckin' great for the kid, too... "Come along, son, we're going to see a psychiatrist about your... uh... disorder..." Like that won't feckin' scar a kid for life.

Ho-leeee shit.

WTF is wrong with you people?

I'm a new poster and not sure what I'm doing, but .........

All the replies to the original post are coming from those of us who have been cross dressing for years. We have all accepted this and are living with it one way or another, even if we are still in the closet.

This boy's mother has been faced with CDing for a couple of days. It is probably the first time in her life that she has been involved with it. Not only is her son doing something that she regards as 'weird/freaky/degenerate' (delete as necessary), but her daughter is complicit in it. The two are her whole family.

She has confided in a friend, without knowing her husband is also a cross dresser. I cannot believe that some posters here think that the solution to her anguish (and it WILL BE anguish for her) is for that friend to then reveal that and offer her husband as an expert.

If the mother is to come to terms with her son's dressing it is going to take weeks, if not months. It will almost be like a bereavement. There's no use telling a newly-widowed wife that her husband is in heaven.

What she needs at this early stage is a friend, a shoulder to cry on, support. Only when she starts to accept reality would it be time to start offering advice, information and resources. It may be that the son will promise never to dress again and the sister never to encourage him and the matter will drop. The mother may announce that it is 'fixed' and never mention it again.

A 'one step at a time' approach is needed here and not two size twelves (with or without 4-inch heels) diving in where they will almost certainly not be appreciated.

Almost every poster is looking at this as GnH's 'problem.' GnH doesn't have a problem. Neither has GnH's wife. She has a duty as friend. The 'problem' is the mother's, but she is already sharing it and that's good. The poor woman is probably already imagining her son as gay, walking through the neighbourhood as a girl to her eternal shame, while posters here are concerned about whether she'll blab about GnH to the neighbours or the sister to friend at the high school. She needs a listening ear, reassurance and fortunately GnH's wife through time can give that and also suggest avenues of support. The fortunate circumstance is that GnH is a CD with an understanding wife whose role is to give support through his wife, NOT first hand.

Just my novice's advice for what it's worth.

I just did a google search for "teen son caught crossdressing" and the first answer tha popped up would help her tremendously.
Maybe, the wife could make the suggestion for the mother to do the same and, maybe, even assist her in doing so if she is computer illiterate or doesn't have access to a computer.
Let the mother make the decisions as to how to pursue the information and otherwise stay out of any decision making of how to handle her son's situation.
While there is nothing that can be done about someone being gay, cd, tg, ts or whatever, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it either, in my opinion. We are what we are. The only thing bad is societies views and accwptance of said situations but they are changing. The ratio of cd/gay is no greater than non cd/gay.
Good luck,
Lana

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/children.htm

let your wife have a conversation with the mum, with you present if you wish, but I would avoid talking directly to the child unless invited to. If you do, for your own sake make sure there is someone else present.

An understanding ear is usually the best way to play it. Assuming, of course she wants to open up! Once you're sure you really know what her concerns are, you could try offering alternative views ... to allay her fears. See how she reacts before opening up yourself.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Claire Fleming

She has confided in a friend, without knowing her husband is also a cross dresser. I cannot believe that some posters here think that the solution to her anguish (and it WILL BE anguish for her) is for that friend to then reveal that and offer her husband as an expert.

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I don't think anyone is advocating that GnH be an "expert." All that he serves in this situation as an example for the woman that "it can be ok." He's a crossdresser, and he's ok. That's it.

To use your widowed wife example, it may not help her to be told her husband is in heaven but there are support groups for surviving spouses and they seem to provide a lot of comfort. Being told by her friend that her husband is a crossdresser and that it is not the end of the world if her son is, is not unlike a surviving spouse having a conversation with another, that tells them, I'm not the only one to go through this and I have someone I can trust with my feelings.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Claire Fleming

It may be that the son will promise never to dress again and the sister never to encourage him and the matter will drop. The mother may announce that it is 'fixed' and never mention it again.

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Yes. Repress, deny, repress, deny, repress, deny. How many of us here have been through this scenario, of promising a parent or significant other that "I'll never do it again!" only to find it's an impossible promise to keep? Here, the kid gets driven deeper into hiding and learns he can't be completely honest with his mother, and Mom goes right on believing her son's a freaky pervert and just pretends not to think about it. Isn't this exactly what we should be trying to avoid?

The calls for professional help seem to be way overboard, too. Sure, maybe down the road, if the kid really does have deep-seated gender dysphoria or suspects he might be transsexual, then yeah, let's talk about professional help. But we have no way of knowing if that's the case. Maybe he just likes playing dress-up. That's as far as it goes with me, and I sure as hell don't need professional help.

And here's another way to come at this: Say guynheels is completely in the closet here, and intends to stay that way forever. Any hesitancy to reveal himself would certainly be understandable. But say he keeps his mouth shut now, and at some point in the future, either decides to uncloset himself or gets accidentally outed. What would Mrs. Nextdoor think then? She'd think he's a hypocrite and a selfish prick for not speaking up when he could have done some good, most likely. And it would definitely reinforce any ideas she had about CDing being a shameful thing that should always be kept secret.

P.S. Oh, yes, guynheels, we need an update here. I'm too invested in this now not to know how it all ends. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MissConstrued

Ho-leeee shit.

WTF is wrong with you people?

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Shame. To some, it's a shameful thing, this thing of ours, that no one can ever know about. Hell, I still have shame issues at times, and in part that's one of the reasons I post my real name with every post (that'll change if I ever start my transition) So, for some, the very thought of coming out in a limited way to the mother to help the kid is very frightening. I'd also hazard a guess that the average age of the "stay out of it" folk is higher than that of the "help the woman" folk.

My late mother and sister have carte blanche in this matter. They can tell whomever they want, and I know my sister has done so.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by VeronicaMoonlit

Shame. To some, it's a shameful thing, this thing of ours, that no one can ever know about. Hell, I still have shame issues at times

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True. And that's exactly why the kid's Mom freaked out. cd-ing is not normal. It's considered a shameful thing. Whether it is or not isn't the point here. Society's attitude won't be changing anytime soon.
And to whomever: please don't run that old cd routine of "it's society's problem, not ours" because that's not true and you know it.
This thread has reached almost a 100 posts for what?
It's a no-brainer. [SIZE="4"]Stay out of this situation[/SIZE]. :doh:

>>True. And that's exactly why the kid's Mom freaked out. cd-ing is not normal. It's considered a shameful thing. Whether it is or not isn't the point here. Society's attitude won't be changing anytime soon.
And to whomever: please don't run that old cd routine of "it's society's problem, not ours" because that's not true and you know it.
This thread has reached almost a 100 posts for what?
It's a no-brainer. Stay out of this situation.


Mom is freaked out probably because that's how this Mom handles stuff... Another Mom might have said, "A party? Why didn't you tell me? Who else is coming and do we have enough chips?"

CDing is as normal as it gets; this is life. And, "shameful" to some, not all. Denial's normal too. So is hysteria. Which one is healthier?

Well, that depends. Each serves a purpose, when you get down to cases. Which boat do you want to be in in this life - which one do you want to help row and in what mood?

So, OK, you stay out of this and offer your position for everyone to con-sid-er. That's fine - one gal, one vote.

However, to put and end to this thread, send me the address and phone number of these folks and I'll go chat the family up.

Why not be normal about all this? You want support, help, information, tips? I got all that.

Glad to share.

There are a couple things on my mind about this situation and that is: Do we know what is the root cause of the problem is as far as the Mom is concerned? I mean to say, is it that her son might be gay or is it that he's a crossdresser, or is it something else like she feels bad that her son didn't feel comfortable enough to tell her? My point is, if it made her cry it must be important to her. If you out yourself and somehow she has a dislike for cding you might change the relationship between your wife and her friend.

If on the other hand it's all about her son being gay (or so she thinks) maybe she's homophobic and whether her son is gay or not, telling her that you dress isn't going to change anything in that regard.

IMHO there are too many unknowns to start sharing private information about your life with this Mom. If we knew for sure the problem for her was was only about not wanting to accept that her son likes to dress up then maybe it would be fine to tell her about you, (if you know she can be trusted not to tell other people) but if you do tell her, I'd ask your wife to do the talking and somehow let her friend know that cding can happen within families and its not all bad. In other words it hasn't ruined your relationship so it shouldn't ruin her's with her son. :2c:

The wife is in the ideal position to help this woman and her son

She has no need to out anyone She can be supportive to the Mother and explain what crossdressing is all about
She has had time to do some research which she can help the mother with as she is obviously worried and has some questions
I am sure she can explain what she know from an objective point of view

She has probably asked all the questions herself in the past so will understand the situation

I agree with those who say Guy n heels does not need to get involved, nor should he other than helping his wife with information

I for one am dying to find out what has happened since then. I can only wish the young man the best and hope he is coping better than I did.

Susan

My advise to you is, do Not be directly involved in this matter..

But you can help your wife out by getting her some information & resources for Her to give to the the boy's mother, and then be done with it..there's no reason for you to have direct contact with the boy or mother..

What ever happens after that is a personal family matter between the mother & her son...

:2c:

I may be to late but if not Maybe you could offer some info on dressing like it don't make the person gay or want to become a girl . You and your wife can do this without coming out to her. Your coming out may make her feel she has nowhere to go for help.:hugs:
Angie

I thought I would post an update to what was happening next door. My wife spoke to our neighbor yesterday afternoon and she is now thinking about packing he son up and moving him in with his father out of town! I have met his father and I know why he is not a big part of their life because the guy is quite frankly, a jerk! According to my wife she feels that the reason things are the way they are is because he does not have a father figure in his everyday life. She has not told him about the boy dressing up but thinks that living with his father will make it go away. My wife told her that she should go online and research the subject or seek professional help before she did anything rash but I don't know if it helped. As I said, this is really a mess. I will let you know more when I hear something.

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Originally Posted by guynheels

I thought I would post an update to what was happening next door. My wife spoke to our neighbor yesterday afternoon and she is now thinking about packing he son up and moving him in with his father out of town! I have met his father and I know why he is not a big part of their life because the guy is quite frankly, a jerk! According to my wife she feels that the reason things are the way they are is because he does not have a father figure in his everyday life. She has not told him about the boy dressing up but thinks that living with his father will make it go away. My wife told her that she should go online and research the subject or seek professional help before she did anything rash but I don't know if it helped. As I said, this is really a mess. I will let you know more when I hear something.

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Whoa. Sounds like very much an over-reaction that will end up hurting everyone even more. If the mother loves her children and knows the father is a jerk, then she's only going to hurt herself and the people she loves if she does this. Still people do that all the time if they see no good solution.
Ask her if she thinks she'll be happier and if her son will be happier with this solution. Does her son enjoy living with her and his sister? A solution that ends up with everyone feeling miserable can't be good. It needs more time to come up with a better one.

It's going to be hard to convince the neighbour if she's acting that way though. I think she'll end up hurting herself and her children if she goes through though, and experience here tells that it's almost certainly not going to "fix" things. I'd suggest being a bit more bold, if you (or your wife) can, in persuading her, I think it would be a very sad outcome.

I would at this point not try to communicate with the boy directly. The mother needs to feel in control and she is the parent. I'm not sure what I would do if he ends up being sent to his dads place. I agree with a lot of people here that if would have helped me too, if I had known at an earlier age that I was not alone. I would certainly consider something like an anonymous letter or something, if things didn't work out otherwise.

1)

Funny how all the gay and lesbian people on the planet had mothers and fathers, yet turned out the way they did anyway.

2)

I'm neither one or the other, but I crossdressed from a young age and never thought much about it - it was just something "I" did and my own observations of life taught me that it wasn't really that big a deal. So, I just did what I wanted to do anyway.

3)

Crossdressing, like much gay and lesbian activity, is often impossible to detect unless someone wants to be "out." It's nearly impossible to detect because it's irrelevant to nearly everything.

Do you think a hungry lion cares if you're gay, or, crossdress, or, both? Does money crawl out of your purse and back into your wallet out of shear disgust? Do people care enough about what you do that they search your house and car daily to see what YOU might be up to?

No, no, and no. Doesn't matter, doesn't happen, and, (normally) too much trouble and you're not bothering anybody anyway.

4)

But... Here goes another Jew, I mean, kid, shipped off to a concentration camp, I mean, crummy Dad's home, so that he can be cured of something that's just who he is - by a Nazi, I mean, Dad, who's probably clueless about what to do anyway - or, life would be different for that entire family.

Yeah, take him, take them, I'll just stand here on my doorstep and figure they'll leave when the truck is full and not come back.

Makes me wanna shout, "Gay Pride!" and go rescue the kid.

It's better than doing nothing - and waiting for the knock on my door...