"Coming Out" from 1 wife's point of view

Erin's Wife,

Thank you so much for this thread, it is amazing. You've touched (and helped) so many people here by your raw honesty and your experiences. Thank you for putting into words a thread that I just know we'll be able to show to new GG members for months, if not years.

Today I went for a walk with a lady I know who I bumped into on a path (and her husband). I know she has been very dedicated for several years in weight loss and has lost over 75 pounds (net), what I didn't know before today is that five years ago she couldn't use the stairs in her own home due to her weight and joint problems... Today she hung back a bit where there were stairs in the trail so she could run up and down them three or four times. Between our walk and the walking she did as a volunteer at the cancer centre, she walked about 10k today! I'm mentioning her here because she totally impresses me with her determination, her ability to stick with it, and her refusal to give up on the days when it is far too tempting to do just that. Erin's wife, you impress me in the exact same way! :hugs:



Also, for those of you CDers who want to know how to get your SO more accepting of your girl nature, I think Eryn's post below is pretty much a perfect example of how to go about it.

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Originally Posted by Eryn

I think that I can set your mind at ease on this account.

My feminine side is a part of me, the me that loves my wife. There is no competition at all. When I'm en femme with my wife our interaction may be a bit different, but my wife remains the center of my universe.

I'm willing to bet that you occupy the same position with your husband no matter how he is dressed.

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Honestly, I went, 'awe!' when I read this! I was even a little jealous of Mimi until I reminded myself that Crystal expresses this sentiment to me all the time. Making it obvious that you love and care about your partner - whether it be by posting something lovely and heartfelt where you know she'll probably read it, by hugging her every chance you get, or getting the dishes all done, the trash taken care of, and the laundry folded (or whatever other household tasks you and your wife/SO work out are best for you to do)... Making sure that just like you get time to dress, she gets time to do the things she wants to do outside or inside the house.. It is all the little things which add up to love and acceptance of the full person.

I started to cry as I read this thread; re-living what went on in my own life, remembering how my relationship and marriage slowly fell apart so many years ago. All I can do is wish you the best, 'erinswife'. And sincerely hope everything works out for you two.

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Originally Posted by Babeba

Also, for those of you CDers who want to know how to get your SO more accepting of your girl nature, I think Eryn's post below is pretty much a perfect example of how to go about it. Honestly, I went, 'awe!' when I read this! [referring to Eryn's quoted post in #51]

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It took me a long time to understand the idea that a "femme" self is a part of a CDer's whole persona, and it is not something outside of it (like a mistress perhaps). None of us knowingly grow up amid people who have a dual gender nature, we only just see either men or women, and so it is easy for new GGs to view the femme expression as something outside of their relationships that threatens the couple's intimacy and perhaps threatens to take their husbands away. We don't have the internal knowledge or the language to describe what it is that a transgender experiences. I include myself when I say that in the beginning, when I saw my partner reach heights of happiness dressed that I felt he was not reaching when he was with me in guy mode, I felt as if I could not compete with "her" for "his" attention. I was looking at the transgender expression as a division: two alternating, conflicting sides to a personality rather than a state of being that is always there, with either mode of expression closer to the surface sometimes and further away at other times.

This, I believe is what Eryn describes.

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Originally Posted by sherri

Whoa, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. There was nothing wrong or stupid about your reactions. ...

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I have to agree with Sherri, Mandy. What sets you apart from many is the fact that you chose to educate yourself about what being transgender is really all about. You chose to engage your partner in a dialog. You chose to face the issue and deal with it in a mature and loving way. This reaction sets you apart from so many who rely only emotional reaction upon hearing something new. Yoda would be proud... you chose wisely.

Great information, thank you everyone. This really has helped me figure out how to tell my wife.

SoMuchToLearn,

There is a long closed thread entitled "how to tell your partner" or something to that effect by Marla GG if you're looking for more information along this line. A search of the forum with her name should find it.

Sorry to take the thread off topic, Mandy, but SoMuchToLearn doesn't have PMs enabled at the time this was posted.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

It took me a long time to understand the idea that a "femme" self is a part of a CDer's whole persona, and it is not something outside of it (like a mistress perhaps). None of us knowingly grow up amid people who have a dual gender nature, we only just see either men or women...

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Oddly, it took me a long time to figure this our myself. As I started to acknowlege and explore my own feelings and dress completely I really didn't know what to expect. The surprise was that I didn't feel much different while dressed. I'm still the same person, but now able to express myself in ways that I find that I have always desired.

I haven't yet figured out the entire picture, but with Mimi's help I've been able to see more of it.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

It took me a long time to understand the idea that a "femme" self is a part of a CDer's whole persona, and it is not something outside of it (like a mistress perhaps). None of us knowingly grow up amid people who have a dual gender nature, we only just see either men or women, and so it is easy for new GGs to view the femme expression as something outside of their relationships that threatens the couple's intimacy and perhaps threatens to take their husbands away. We don't have the internal knowledge or the language to describe what it is that a transgender experiences. I include myself when I say that in the beginning, when I saw my partner reach heights of happiness dressed that I felt he was not reaching when he was with me in guy mode, I felt as if I could not compete with "her" for "his" attention. I was looking at the transgender expression as a division: two alternating, conflicting sides to a personality rather than a state of being that is always there, with either mode of expression closer to the surface sometimes and further away at other times.

This, I believe is what Eryn describes.

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You're right, Reine. I think some GGs feel excluded or unimportant when the punk fog hits; that, just like a mistress would, time is taken away from them by this 'other woman'. I think being able to reach the point at which you can say 'I love you' no matter how one part of the couple is dressed, and ensuring that the GG is not left out of the attention and effort in the midst of pink fog is important.

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Originally Posted by Babeba

You're right, Reine. I think some GGs feel excluded or unimportant when the punk fog hits; that, just like a mistress would, time is taken away from them by this 'other woman'. I think being able to reach the point at which you can say 'I love you' no matter how one part of the couple is dressed, and ensuring that the GG is not left out of the attention and effort in the midst of pink fog is important.

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Right. That's the other side of the coin. If a CDer is caught up in it all to the point where s/he ignores the wife's boundaries or takes her for granted, (or becomes impatient with a wife who needs time to accept certain aspects of the CDing), it makes it harder for the wife to see the whole person who is her husband. The wife will feel as if the femme persona is taking her husband away.