Is it really so hard to believe that the "Big Reveal" can end a relationship ?

Revealing one's TG side is a disturbance to a relationship.

All relationships have a differing level of stability, ranging from "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down" all the way to a pencil standing on its point.

The question is, will the disturbance be enough to topple the relationship? Plenty of relationships topple without CDing even entering into it. Others are already teetering on the thin edge and the slightest push is all it takes. Many experience some bumps, but the relationship stands fast.

The main criteria seems to be how good a relationship has been built before the "reveal." How many trials has it withstood? How committed are the partners to each other?

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Originally Posted by Eryn

The main criteria seems to be how good a relationship has been built before the "reveal." How many trials has it withstood? How committed are the partners to each other?

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That's really judgmental - some relationships can be perfectly fine before this. Mine was. Hell, that is why my breakup is so hard - we still care about each other, but my wife absolutely can't abide me. The man she loved died, and I'm some type of horrible ghost or something.

I've been in a marriage that completely sucked - those are easy to break up from and in the end, a big relief. My wife and I were great for a lot of years.

So what you are really saying is that this is all my fault, and that I needed better relationship skills, or my wife really didn't love me. If that's the case - why does she grieve so?

Have to go with Paula on this one. Yes, marriages fail for many reasons, but this one seems worse than most to a lot of wives.

I have to say, this thread is not exactly doing wonders for helping me screw up the courage for "the big reveal."

Which is of course "the right thing to do," but the risk involved is astronomical, and this isn't helping!!!! Argh!

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Originally Posted by Jacqueline Winona

Have to go with Paula on this one. Yes, marriages fail for many reasons, but this one seems worse than most to a lot of wives.

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In my personal opinion it is and was worse than most things. Even an affair may have been easier to understand? Why CDing is so hard to comprehend is beyond me...maybe it's some deep-rooted biological wiring that tells us femininity doesn't belong in our partner. Maybe it's as simple as it's a sexual turn-off. I do know it's not just social conditioning that leaves me feeling squicky as I was raised open minded and still am! I just can't stand my H wearing women's clothing. I really, really dislike it but I love him so I learn and tolerate what I can.

Would I prefer he didn't CD? OMG, yes!!!

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Originally Posted by AriannaRenee

I have to say, this thread is not exactly doing wonders for helping me screw up the courage for "the big reveal."

Which is of course "the right thing to do," but the risk involved is astronomical, and this isn't helping!!!! Argh!

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This is kind of where I'm at. I just started dating this girl maybe three weeks ago and from some things she's said, I don't think she will take the reveal well, even though she seems to be into me. At what point should you tell your SO (which I wouldn't consider her yet but it seems to be heading that way)?

It's not that hard to understand the difficulty since quite a few people equate crossdressing with perversion. An affair is something a spouse can discuss with friends. Crossdressing isn't. Add into the mix intolerant religions and/or upbringing and things can get dark very quickly.

I'll stand by my assertion that the outcome is dependent upon the foundation that has been built into the marriage by both partners. No marriage ends until one partner decides that they want it to end. If both resolve to keep things together they will emerge the stronger for it.

I socialize regularly with several CDing couples and to us (meaning both male and female partners) CDing is just another facet of our social life. Just about all thoughts of "stigma" are behind us where they should be. I think that it is really helpful for the spouses of CDers to get together like this because it gives them the opportunity to talk with women who are in the same boat as themselves.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

That's really judgmental - some relationships can be perfectly fine before this. Mine was. Hell, that is why my breakup is so hard - we still care about each other, but my wife absolutely can't abide me. The man she loved died, and I'm some type of horrible ghost or something.

I've been in a marriage that completely sucked - those are easy to break up from and in the end, a big relief. My wife and I were great for a lot of years.

So what you are really saying is that this is all my fault, and that I needed better relationship skills, or my wife really didn't love me. If that's the case - why does she grieve so?

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please forgive me as I have read many posts before joining. She grieves because she loves you. After many many years of a life you and her had built, it changed so dramatically. It is not merely the gender that has separated you and your wife, but that that were so much to you you never told her or gave her the option to choose. That is on all of us who disclose our feminine nature later on after marriage, and if we wish to stay married above all else, a burden we must bare in spite of our nature. Saying simply that does not mean we must give up our nature, merely that should we choose marriage as our 1st priority, our gender variance must take second billing. How THAT is done is what makes or breaks more relationships than the gender issue itself.

There will be some women who simply cannot deal with the gender variance at all even though they are open minded about a great many things, and then there will be others who would surprise all with acceptance (which does not mean like) but can accept. IMO, and I mean this only with respect..... you pushed her into the deep end before she learned to swim. Read your earlier posts upon the reveal, she did try to accept this as to her capabilities

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Originally Posted by Jennifer Kelly

This is kind of where I'm at. I just started dating this girl maybe three weeks ago and from some things she's said, I don't think she will take the reveal well, even though she seems to be into me. At what point should you tell your SO (which I wouldn't consider her yet but it seems to be heading that way)?

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Tell her ASAP, or be prepared for living a double life lie for the future which will likely one day reveal itself and become only harder.

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Originally Posted by PaulaQ

That's really judgmental - some relationships can be perfectly fine before this. Mine was. Hell, that is why my breakup is so hard - we still care about each other, but my wife absolutely can't abide me. The man she loved died, and I'm some type of horrible ghost or something.

I've been in a marriage that completely sucked - those are easy to break up from and in the end, a big relief. My wife and I were great for a lot of years.

So what you are really saying is that this is all my fault, and that I needed better relationship skills, or my wife really didn't love me. If that's the case - why does she grieve so?

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please forgive me as I have read many posts before joining. She grieves because she loves you. After many many years of a life you and her had built, it changed so dramatically. It is not merely the gender that has separated you and your wife, but that that were so much to you you never told her or gave her the option to choose. That is on all of us who disclose our feminine nature later on after marriage, and if we wish to stay married above all else, a burden we must bare in spite of our nature. Saying simply that does not mean we must give up our nature, merely that should we choose marriage as our 1st priority, our gender variance must take second billing. How THAT is done is what makes or breaks more relationships than the gender issue itself.

There will be some women who simply cannot deal with the gender variance at all even though they are open minded about a great many things, and then there will be others who would surprise all with acceptance (which does not mean like) but can accept. IMO, and I mean this only with respect..... you pushed her into the deep end before she learned to swim. Read your earlier posts upon the reveal, she did try to accept this as to her capabilities