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Honestly, yes I thought it would go away. And for about 8 years it did, the need and desire to dress was non existent. Then it came back like it needed to make up for those 8 years. I have realized I really don't want it to go away. I am very happy when I'm dressed and even though I struggle to balance being Stephanie, with being the guy my wife needs sometimes , I don't think I would have it any other way.
I thought it would go away for many years. I tried to stop as a teenager and again during my 20s under the assumption that it wasn't "real" and if I ignored it would go away or at least become dormant. Didn't happen. The need to dress has increased over time and become more complex and a deeper part of my personality.
I never believed "it would go away. I did, however, believe I could successfully repress my urges. The problem is that my feminine persona is not simply an urge. Rather it is an enduring part of my personality. Wish I came to this conclusion sooner.
I lived with this affliction as I thought it was, suppressed it, tried to keep myself busy and keep my mind off it. As I got older the urge got stronger and made me more and more depressed. I recently took the plunge as I mentioned in a different thread and told my wife. She said that she felt sad for me as she couldn't imagine the turmoil going on in my mind all this this time. She really wants to make it work so we are taking things slowly and I am making sure I am ready to answer any questions she may have at anytime.
I've thought that I was over being a crossdresser several times in my life. Those times were never prompted by a new girlfriend or new living arrangement. I just didn't feel the urge to dress up as a girl. Fortunately, I only purged my clothes once, and that was because of a hasty move.
I imagine I will go through more times when I don't have the urge to dress up in the future. For me, it seems to run in cycles. I embrace the times when I want to dress up, and I don't force it when I don't feel the need to dress up.
When I was younger (20's) I would dress for a period of time, and afterward I would put all my things away and look in the mirror and wonder, what was I thinking! As I've grown older I can now look in the mirror before, during and after I've dressed and know that I've never been more sure of who I am. I've never been happier!!!
I think because it's something we're trained from day one to believe just 'isn't right', that most of us may suppress the desire subconsciously, so we don't know it's there. I didn't grow up a crossdresser; I was a normal boy until I was six. Then the seed was planted that I was really supposed to be a girl (I was molested, but that's another story), and the desire to crossdress and behave like a girl slowly escalated over a few years until it was there all the time. By high school, it was overwhelming to the point that if I didn't crossdress, I'd be completely just generally uncomfortable all the time, to the point where I couldn't study or concentrate on anything, and I would become short tempered. The first time the desire waned was when I had my first girlfriend; of course, I was so preoccupied with my new love that I didn't notice the absence of crossdressing. All I wanted, was her. And I later discovered, my desire to crossdress was triggered by a lack of physical affection (touch, caress, hug, non-sexual things) in my life. That loss takes a while; usually depends on how long I'm with someone. Long term relationships, it lasts about six months before the need to crossdress comes back. If only dating for a few times, it may only be a few weeks. So I've found a way to keep the demons away; pay for companionship. It's not cheap, but it works for me. Yes, the desire is still there, but for the most part, it's tolerable as long as I can keep the stress levels in my life from ALL other things under control. A relationship isn't necessarily the answer; while married, and my relationship with my wife became a battlefield, the desire to crossdress was too much, so I indulged, eventually resulting in a divorce. Before that, I had several romantic relationships, several lasting a year during which I did not crossdress, and another, two and a half years. So it can be done......at least, for a while. But like death and taxes, it never goes away.
yep, wished it would go away over, and over, and over. Never did. Wondered often how it would be to identify without reservation as totally male, or even totally female...but cursed (or blessed) as somewhere in between. Now I have come out to some...keep my secret from others. But realize that who I am is not readily defined by cultural stereotypes. I love riding my motorcycle, weightlifting and training in karate as a male...I love dressing up and hanging out at home as female...dream of a a total makeover and passing as a woman as an adventure...all pieces of me that I have to reconcile into the fabric of my existence.
Its not that easy to give up crossdressing I will work on some tips to help.
Kate, I've taken a while to respond to this thread as I didn't know how to quite put it in to words, but no I don't believe I ever wanted "it" to go away. More like I've always wanted to be free to be myself without bringing harm to my loved ones or myself.
Fear is a powerful emotion, and I've lived my life in fear for decades now. I'm sick and tired of being afraid. Why can't I just be me?
I've been taking steps to not only be allowed to be myself, but to do it in such a way as I don't lose or harm the people that matter the most to me. My wife has always known since before we married, and she's my biggest supporter. I have a more open relationship with my mother now, and my brother has told me I'm his hero because were he in my shoes he couldn't have come clean with mom.
The only thing I ever really wanted to stop was the confusion and fear caused by my GD, and it's getting better every day :)
I did believe it would go away once early on in my dressing "en femme". Realized it was part of me and to be honest am glad to say . . . it never will go away.
Hugs
Isha
That's me. I used to purge and then regret it but, thanks to this site, I will not do it again and I am happy at who I am. The truth be known, I prefer being dressed as a woman that I do as a man any day. Girls are so lucky, they have so many wonderful things to ware. The lingerie, the dresses, the shoes, the make up, the jewelry. I will always dress because it is a put of me and makes me feel most comfortable and real.
I think when you have dressed hundreds of times over years like I have it really is a no brainer to think that I can hide away from something so important. Where I live people are not very open minded about such things and any cross dresser is talked about with disdain. On hearing such things I chuckle to myself and think 'if you only knew'.
You are what you are, and dressing is a wonderful expression of that. Lucy Lou xx
I never thought crossdressing would go away. There have been times when it didn't cross my mind and others when I felt a strong desire to dress. In the past couple years I've gotten really into it with clothes, wig, forms, and padded panties so I don't think it's going to go away again.
I don't let it control my life though so if I find myself in a situation where I can't dress for a week or month, it's no big deal.
I for one thought it would when I got married and it did for close to a year, but the urge came back and I fought it for a while and I could get by just wearing panties, pantyhose and heels whenever I was alone.
Then one day I use some hair remover lotion when the wife at the time was out of town and from then on it just blossom into full fledge dressing, not to longer after that the wife started shopping for a boyfriend. When I got separation papers, I wanted to stay married no matter what but knew I couldn't quit.
Here I am twenty plus later still dressing whenever I get the chance and still haven't found someone to share it with.
I started getting the urges in my teens,
Lack of opportunity to 'borrow' clothes meant that the thoughts and fantasies were all I had. And I did think that I'd grow out of it too, once I began being more successful with women. That worked for a while, a couple of years the urges subsided but then came back in my early-mid twenties, but with more of a sense of urgency to act. Since then I've kinda made my peace with 'it' being here to stay and just feed the beast when I can.
I guess I had my ups and downs with CDing, and thought that was it. However, i still was checking out what the GGs were wearing,as well as checking them out. So I guess although physically I stopped at times,mentally I didn't. :)
I thought I could stop when I went to college and no longer had acsess to my mothers clothing, and a privit room, it worked for two years then I moved back home and it started right back up. Then I finaly worked up the courage to go and buy some stuff of my own:jumping:, and I don't think I will ever be going back, because the shopping is just as addictive as the CD-ing.:lovestruck:
Growing up in the 70s and 80s I had a few thoughts about stopping and would give myself permission to have a final "dress up" day. Looking back at this time I can see how daft that was. Now I am very happy with dressing and couldn't stop if I wanted to. All I need now is to meet a girl who is accepting!
Considering that, for 40 yuars, I refused to acknowledge this part of myself even to myself I apparently hoped that it would go away. That worked about as well as a devout person believing that a severe disease will go away if they perform the proper ritual.
Marcia, I could have written this. I had exactly the same thoughts. Now I know it's a part of me. I make the most if it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcia Blue
I absolutely believed it was an aberration of my personality. That I just had to "man up" and it would go away. Even threw away the "CD starter kit" I found when I moved into my place. "I'm not falling for that!", I said. "I'm gonna get it out my system with Halloween this year! And then that will be that!" *You can laugh here.
In short I got set up by female half. It was a sneaky girl trick, and I fell for it; because frankly she's smarter than me.
To me it is like a birthmark. You are born with it whether you like it or not, it can fade sometimes but it is always there. The irony of having an alter ego, which I am glad did not go away.
I don't think I ever believed it would stop, simply because I never wanted to stop, but I did have to take control of it from time to time by reducing its frequency.
For instance, there was a time when I needed to crossdress just to be able to sleep or to do some chores. I could not focus on anything before putting on my stuff. Everytime I was about to do something "boring", like cleaning or studying, I would do it dressed, because at least I could have some fun while doing it. Later, I realized this started to affect my life and my marriage in ways I didn't want to, so I had to take control. Instead of doing it everyday, I limited it to once a week.
It worked for some time, then it increased again, but now I don't think I have the urge to do it everytime, it's well under control, except for the panties, which I wear everyday.
Actually, there were several times when I was forced to stop dressing, and the very thought of being forced to the rest of my life - 20, 30, or even 50 or 60 years, as a man was enough to make me suicidal.
The worst times:
- when my testicles came down (they were up inside, like ovaries).- tried to poach them, crush them, burn them, and strangle them.
- when I found out I was a bass - became a drug addict and alcoholic for 2 years - misdiagnosed with epilepsy.
- when my fiance dumped me because she found out I was a cross-dresser (9 month tail-spin). - 10 suicide attempts, 3 SHOULD have been fatal.
- when my first wife told me she couldn't deal with my dressing anymore - stop or get divorce - platonic marriage - didn't come home at night - went public.
- when my ex-wife told me I had to stop transition or I would lose visitation rights permanently but would still have to pay child support. - moved to NYC area
- when a leadership told me I had to "burn the dresses" - gained over 50 lbs.
- when I was too fat to dress anymore - gained another 100 lbs - had heart attack.
- when 2nd wife stopped wanting Debbie - had a stroke.
- when 2nd wife told me she was "Not OK" with my transitioning - "Prestone Cocktail".
Even THINKING that I HAD to stop was enough to throw me into a suicidal tailspin.
I might point out that the HAPPIEST and BEST parts of my life were when I was dressing openly and working toward transition - I had a future to live into that ignited my passion.
For me, being Debbie is being authentic, having integrity, living consistent with my commitments, creating possibilities for myself and others and making those possibilities real.
Being Rex is being "an actor", "a clown", "a con", a liar, a deceiver. I never wanted to be Rex, it was how I survived in a brutal world where boys would beat the crap out of me for even the slightest hint of Debbie. Names never hurt me, I WAS a Sissy (slang for Sister), I WAS a fairy (like Tinkerbell), I WAS a princess, but even just being called those names meant being attacked by 10-20 boys, with rocks, with sticks, with fists, with boots, with wet towels, with belts (buckle end). By the time I was 17 I had been hospitalized over 60 times, usually for 2 weeks at a time. From the time I was 4 to the time I was 12, the best health I was ever in was when I was spending my week-ends and evenings with the rest of the girls in the girls dorm.
No, I'm a type 6 transsexual, and I've known it my whole life. I've had to "moderate" at various times in my life, sometimes having to settle for fetish dressing, being a transvestite, or being a cross-dresser, but In my heart I knew that I really wanted to be a girl and would have done almost anything to make that happen. I wouldn't sell my soul, deny my Christian faith, or turn my back on God. I wouldn't do bad things to other people, and I dodged the prostitution bullet several times.
This comment really touched me . ."I love my sweet little girl in me too much now and it's me.", I think by Sonialexis.
The me I am since I was born or became aware of myself as a person ages 4 to 6 or so, always had "Annie" within. So I can't even imagine myself without my inner girl being there. She is me - I am her, as is my maleness. I am that guy, and girl. So it never even crossed my mind ever that "it" would go away. It was me. And, I was/am always interested in all things "Girl".
I was/am never ashamed about it, although closeted for the usually silly, spouse, family, job, friends reasons. I may feel I'm a little weird at times, but I don't feel guilty about it. It is part of my personhood. The dressing throughout my life never really stopped, but did ebb and flow like waves for periods of time. It's like how relationships are with your wife or SO, you fall in and out of love many times.
Probably dressing is stronger now because of my ever-waning testosterone, and "Annie " seems to be taking over somehow. I am her dressed or not, and, I'm kind of proud of her! Some of that though is do to being able to open up on this forum, and also because it's just much easier to enjoy the female things I like because of the internet, and slightly more acceptability by sales staff, people in general, and such. Anything seems to go these days without people thinking too much about it, as they did maybe 20 years ago or so. I am very thankful for my femaleness.
For me, I thought that my dressing had gone away completely after I got married.
And it had for almost 15 years, then it was back and more so then ever, Not I am
out to my family and there is no turning back, I enjoy to dress in women's clothes, and that is the way it is.
I finally get to enjoy life the way it should be.
Now do I think it will every go away. Not very likely, Most likely it is here to stay now.
This has happened to me many times. I would purge for one reason or another, either feeling guilty or for my SO at the time with no luck. When I thought I was done with it, something would trigger it again and I just had to buy a pair of nylons. I would wear that under my men's clothes and think "that will enough to satisfy my desire". Well I think you all know how that ended. I remarried 7 years ago, told my would be wife all about it so it would be no surprise and she has been one of the most understanding and supportive wife any one could ask for. Even at that I recently went through a medical problem during which time I could not shave my legs much less put on the nylons and shape ware I so enjoy. This lasted for about 8 months and again I thought "I'm done with this now". No way, in about 3 months the nylons came back and I'm now CD more than ever and love every minute of it. I have just come to accept this is me. My wife thinks it very funny that I would ever think for one minute it will "go away", she knows me better than I know me.
I always thought this was a phase. I thought that after I tried all that I wanted to try that I would out grow this and it would fade away and that my secret would always be safe. After all, this was born out of a fetish so I always thought it was a part of the fetish. I was wrong. Purge after purge, and thousands of dollars later and it's still here with no sign of ever leaving. It always came back and usually harder than when it left. Now I have come to terms with myself as this is who I am. I can think of a lot worse things that could have happened than this. It is what it is.
I had these feelings when I was young, I identified with girls and wanted to be one, but I knew it was something I should keep to myself. I think by the time I was 12 I started getting depressed about it, and wishing it would go away. I thought maybe I was gay because I felt this way. I kept wanting it to go away. My mom had a very traditional belief in gender roles, and would make fun of me for not acting like a boy like my younger brothers. So I just kept hoping it would go away. I talked to my first girlfriend in high school about it, she liked it because she was bisexual and it was a desire for her but I started hating dressing because it was more for her pleasure than me being happy. So for years I just repressed it until I couldn't any longer the more I wished it would go away the angrier I became towards people without me even realizing it, until I made a change to get help. My wife embraced it and and I am happier than I have ever been.
There was that first time with my older sister's pantyhose & bra. Really had to work up to it and keep it hidden being in a large family growing up. Still makes me feel good remembering how good it felt to a 13 year old. After a few times trying other things on and then being caught and getting " the talk " did not think too much about it for many years. Women's clothes always did interest me and about 8 years ago, bought a package of ladies briefs. One thing led to another and after being hidden for so many years, Jolene has gotten out of her bottle and she has never gone back into it.
It seems I will never be done with this and to be honest I enjoy having Jolene be a part of me.
I have never married and have lived alone here for many years, so I do wonder why Jolene did not come out sooner.