New here - also a new 'GG'

Welcome to the forum Littleg, I wish I could add something or have a response to your post to help you out in all of this but honestly, your already on the right path. Communication is the most important thing and your both already talking, at length, about this. You already are supportive and accepting as you didn't pack your bags and run. Nothing we can say is going to help or be "better" than what You both are already doing. he's lucky to have You and now it's up to you two to see how all of this works out.

My SO is very supportive and accepting of this side of me. We have a lot of fun with it and really haven't had many problems with it. This is how I feel people who truly love each other should be but from the horror stories here, you have to wonder. CDing hurts no one. It could have been a lot worse. Good luck ;)

Hi Littleleg, welcome. Like you, I’m a GG and also like you, this is both our second relationship. My SO told me very shortly after we began dating although we had known one another casually for about three years, during which time I had had no clue. I suspect our relationship also would not have gotten very far if I had not been open to the idea. Certainly, my SO would not have been able to be in a relationship with someone who said outright, "I disapprove and I will not stay with you if you continue to crossdress".

Unlike you though, my older children were young adults living out of the house and the youngest was living with his father across the country - so my SO and I didn’t need to worry about the immediate problems of having to navigate through this with kids on a daily basis. Telling children is another topic entirely, because although kids are flexible (they won’t stop loving you), if they are young enough they are apt to blurt it out in the neighborhood or at school. It is not fair to expect young children to keep secrets. And if they are old enough and their dad dresses at home, even if they are supportive they may not want to bring their friends over. In my case, I was involved in an ugly divorce that lasted years and I did not want this knowledge to get to my ex. I was concerned that he might use it to his advantage.

You’re not immediately turned off the idea, which is a good thing. My guess is that in general, GGs in the throes of new love at the beginning of their relationships are less likely to be turned off the CDing than GGs who feel they’ve been lied to for years or who might have rather conservative/religious values. It’s a fresh start for both of you and you can learn to navigate this together.

That said, this is what you can expect if your SO is like my SO, whom I consider to be a pretty average member of this community:

If your SO hasn’t gone out in public yet, he likely will eventually want to begin. If he has been dressing provocatively so far, this will likely abate if he doesn’t want to stand out when he is out dressed, unless he is content to going to TG friendly nightclubs occasionally.

Learning to go out in the mainstream necessitated a huge wardrobe expanse as my SO learned what worked and what didn’t. And eventually, lower leg shaving gave way to all-over body shaving all the time. My SO also eventually had laser beard removal, pierced his ears, grew his fingernails and kept them shaped, in short did everything that would make the transformation from boy to girl as easy and as quick as possible in order to provide for the greatest flexibility.

During these learning years, when my SO was moving from having been deeply closeted to having found an accepting parter (me) who was willing to hang out with him dressed and further, to go out in public (in the next towns over), it was as you can imagine deeply exciting for my SO. He loved engaging in all things girlie, i.e. getting manicures, pedis, shopping in women’s stores, dining in restaurants, and generally being out there while being perceived as a woman by people who didn’t look too closely. For a while though, our relationship took a downturn because within a few years I perceived that my SO’s focus was on being a girl and all things girly, more than prioritizing our relationship and the day-to-day responsibilities of being in a committed relationship. But, these were normal growing pains that eventually worked themselves out.

I also went through a learning curve during this time, wondering where this was all headed for my SO. At one point I was convinced that my SO would eventually transition and that he was in denial when telling me that he wouldn't. But, after about 5 years, things fell back into place again as the newness of going out in public normalized for my SO and the other parts of his life became priorities again. At the height of my SO’s expansion, she was going out about 2-3 times per week (this takes up a lot more head space than just the going-out times) and we would spend entire weekends dressed in a nearby city. Now, as mentioned, other priorities have returned and my SO doesn't spend nearly as much time thinking about and going out dressed.

My SO and I didn’t have issues about who to tell and not tell. Neither one of us was interested in having our parents, my children, and his siblings know, and my SO was not interested in coming out to our closest non-LGBT friends who also are his workmates. Save for a short period of time when my SO felt it would be safe to go out publicly in our small midwestern town (my SO thought he wouldn’t be recognized), we have encountered few difficulties in deciding where to go out dressed.

As to who to tell, obviously, our LGBT friends all know as do our TG friends in the support/social group we belong to that is located in a nearby city. I did tell my brother (he lives far away) whom I thought would be open to the idea, but to my surprise he wasn’t. It’s been years now and we don’t mention it. My SO and I recently traveled to see my family and it was as if I had never said a word about it. I also told a close local friend with my SO’s permission, who was hoping to expand the number of people he could do things with while dressed. Although our friend didn’t turn away and we do things with her when my SO is in guy mode, she will not see us if my SO is dressed. As to the rest of our friends, we do live in a small midwestern town. If the CDing was considered ordinary by most people, I would have no issues with being out to everyone, but it isn’t and I am not keen on being the subject of gossip or on being told, "OK, but please do not come to our house party next Saturday dressed". In my view, there is no point in telling people if they do not want to be directly involved.

I wish you both all the best as you learn to navigate through this and find a balance that will work for you both and for your children.

I hope I'm not sounding too much like a broken record at this point, but again, I would like to say a big, heartfelt "Thank you!" to all of you who have replied. Your kind words, advice, encouragement, and positive messages are beyond what I was expecting.

Thank you Reine for your insight from a GG perspective. I know as of last summer he was living alone and started venturing out into the world on his own and with friends and local CD'ers. He told me he hasn't dressed in months, so who knows where this will take us. I am just trying my best to stay open, supportive and positive to whatever comes.

I am excited about our life together going forward, and this is just one more puzzle piece to the complete picture. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Littleg2

Thank you Reine for your insight from a GG perspective. I know as of last summer he was living alone and started venturing out into the world on his own and with friends and local CD'ers. He told me he hasn't dressed in months, so who knows where this will take us.

I forgot to mention that the CDing waxes and wanes for most CDers, it's not linear. My SO feels the need to dress more strongly only during certain times of the year (spring and fall) and during these times, she will maybe go out once or twice per week for a few weeks. The rest of the year is sporadic. A few years ago, I think my SO went six months without having any interest. This is in contrast to the period of time when my SO was in a new relationship with an accepting partner (me), and was going from being mostly closeted to learning how to go out everywhere dressed. At that time, the CDing became a frequent priority for some years but as I've mentioned, this only lasted about 5 years.