Had my 1st session with new nice counselly lady :D

YAY I think I've caught up on everything I've missed. Of course, it's nearly midnight and I still have a whole lab report to write, and I'm on here instead of writing it. Ah well, there's always coffee. Anyway dream. (I have strangley realistic dreams sometimes, so real that part of me believes they happened (which is awkward when your dream was making out with your best friend's boyfriend) and they always leave me needing to share them with the people involved, I think in part so that I'll confirm it wasn't real (making the best friend's boyfriend bit even more awkward) so yes).
I was at this LGBT get together party thing. Actually, really it was just Ls and Gs, and not really the nice sort. The exclusive "straights are breeders" doesn't really like anyone not totally homosexual sort. Well I was presenting as totally andro and definitely as a bi, and so getting shunned or teased by pretty much everyone there. I went to the bathroom 'cause I was about to cry, and ended up sitting in one of the stalls crying. Poc came in and told me to come out of the stall. He gave me a big hug and told me that everyone else was stupid and to ignore them. I thanked him and said something like "I know you really hate having to use the ladies room, but I'm really glad you did, 'cause I really needed a boy hug." (Anyone who knows me in person knows that I'm a sucker for hugs and love boy hugs way more than girl hugs). SO yes, that was my utterly random Poc dream.
In other news, I'm really wishing I was in boy clothes. I'm not necessarily girl right now, but suddenly I want a tie and boxers. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow. Alright one more post and then on to my lab report.

Awww . . . what a cool dream, Bi. Sounds like one of mine, except I think mine are weirder and it would probably have involved a crazy cast of characters (and birds). :heehee:

Awww, Bi that dream made me cry a bit cuz I know that's just what Poc would do and I'm glad you know him too. :hugs:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kieron Andrew

hey!! life is one BIG transition!!!

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You put it into one sentence!

You really are a gifted man!

Awww I really like that dream Bi!
Not that you were sad (that sucks) but that I comforted you... and that on some level you see me as a huggable person yay! So here's one now :hugs:
(I would very much like to be a nice kind boy that helps people out by hugging them, so thank you for seeing me like that in your dream!)
Awww Kerrianna!

******************

Update:

Well I just spoke to my counsellor on the phone and it was pretty durn cool for the most part.
But for some reason I am now feeling a bit funny.

Of course the fact that I was up chatting so late last night (& over-tired in general) is probably not helping my mood haha!

I'm sort of feeling a bit shakey as to my whole transness... am I/aren't I... and my reasons, and who I am. (Both to myself and to the world).
But I know that after counselling sessions you often can feel weird. (I've had that before when I was having counselling... sometimes you feel wonderful afterwards, sometimes you feel tired, sometimes you feel confused, sometimes you feel sad & thoughtful etc etc).

But hey.. I'm still smilin' :D

:yawn:

I think I missed out saying thank you to Das, Adam and Dancin' the other day. Which is really annoying.. sorry!!

Your posts really really made me smile and I loved what you said and the support.

Hehe *strumpet blast*

So... thank you!!

lol poc you made me laugh there :heehee:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

But I know that after counselling sessions you often can feel weird. (I've had that before when I was having counselling... sometimes you feel wonderful afterwards, sometimes you feel tired, sometimes you feel confused, sometimes you feel sad & thoughtful etc etc).

But hey.. I'm still smilin' :D

:yawn:

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Yeah, I was just going to say that, but you already know it, so that's cool. Some sessions can leave you walking on air, and others can leave you feeling like you're dragging a heavy weight. I usually feel kind of down after a session that has made me think about and/or acknowledge something I don't really want to talk about, but after a few days I can see why I should. Hope the next one is better. :hugs: Glad you're still smiling.

:hugs: I really needed you guys today although you might not know it.

TY dudes. :love:

This counselling stuff is new to me. I felt REALLY discombubulated. (haha what a cool word!)

Nice to have company on this journey.....:hugs: :love:

Awww Kez :hugs: Btw one of my best friends uses that word a lot and got me using it hehe... strangely enough he lives in Canada now...
Discombobulated Canadians all over the place!

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Session 3 (2nd phone session)

Had session 3 today.. here are a few thoughts on it:

I love the way my counsellor sort of... doesn't let me get away with worrying almost.
It's like...
I will warble on about something .. (you know.. my usual analytical, questioning stuff)... and she will say "You question yourself a lot don't you?" or "You don't have much faith in yourself do you?"

She is so sort of... calm and... sensible (I don't mean boring sensible, just.. to the point). I love it.

I am seeing her face to face again next week. I am looking forward to it.

She made me chuckle a few times today too.

Quote:

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I love the way my counsellor sort of... doesn't let me get away with worrying almost.

---

Welcome to the world of counseling. The counsellor always likes to answer your question with a question. That's the way of the world. Another thing they like to do is repeat back what you said "questioningly.' For instance, if you say "I'm feeling sad today." They'll say, "You're feeling sad?"

Hehehe! I like it.

I have had counselling before by the way (ack my fair share of them actually...and not all successful).
But they haven't been for mainly gender stuff, like this lady is. (I did talk about gender stuff with the last 2 though). I really like how this lady works, and her knowledge of gender issues.

Glad it went well - she made you think and she made you chuckle. Sounds like a good session to me. :happy:

Thanks lovely Lex :happy:

*****

Well... had 4th session today (2nd faceto face).

It was very interesting and I really like the systematic & controlled way she works.

Today we started working through some other stuff (not really gender stuff).

I am feeling a little shell-shocked though, because I didn't realise I felt so deeply about certain things.... curious....

I feel somewhat apprehensive... incase we are opening up a can of worms... but I suspect that actually... we will be working through some stuff... and though it may be hard work... will ultimately leave me feeling much better, balanced & more peaceful about certain things once we've worked through them.

I have to admit I AM worried though, that it could just make me more "messed up"/worried. That's probably just fear talking though.

She also left me some cool books to have a look through :happy:
A couple are about gender stuff. So that will be interesting.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

It was very interesting and I really like the systematic & controlled way she works.

Today we started working through some other stuff (not really gender stuff).

I am feeling a little shell-shocked though, because I didn't realise I felt so deeply about certain things.... curious....

I feel somewhat apprehensive... incase we are opening up a can of worms... but I suspect that actually... we will be working through some stuff... and though it may be hard work... will ultimately leave me feeling much better, balanced & more peaceful about certain things once we've worked through them.

I have to admit I AM worried though, that it could just make me more "messed up"/worried. That's probably just fear talking though.

---

:hugs: :love: way to go dude. I know what you mean about feeling shell-shocked. The thing is if we don't examine what's bubbling underneath we live our lives shell shocked, sometimes without even knowing it.

Nothing wrong with a can of worms. Just stir fry them with a bit of curry or something. :heehee:

It sounds like you have a skilled counsellor - I'm sure she won't leave you feeling more messed up and worried. The main thing is YOU'RE willing to do the work. I think that's the key to successful change. Keep on rockin' dude! :hugs:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

I have to admit I AM worried though, that it could just make me more "messed up"/worried. That's probably just fear talking though.

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Nah . . . but it may seem like that initially. Opening up that proverbial can of worms was kind of hard for me 'cause it's a mess everywhere when those worms come out, but it's better than keeping them cooped up to begin with. It may seems messy at first, but it's better to get those things out.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

She also left me some cool books to have a look through :happy: A couple are about gender stuff. So that will be interesting.

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Dude . . . she gave you homework? :eek:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kerrianna

:hugs: :love: way to go dude. I know what you mean about feeling shell-shocked. The thing is if we don't examine what's bubbling underneath we live our lives shell shocked, sometimes without even knowing it.

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Durn good point Kerriberrigymkhana.

Quote:

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Nothing wrong with a can of worms. Just stir fry them with a bit of curry or something. :heehee:

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Hehehe mmm tasty.... :eek:

Quote:

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It sounds like you have a skilled counsellor -

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You know... I really think so... I was thinking that when I was talking to her....

Quote:

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I'm sure she won't leave you feeling more messed up and worried. The main thing is YOU'RE willing to do the work. I think that's the key to successful change. Keep on rockin' dude! :hugs:

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AWw thank you Kez :hugs:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CaptLex

Nah . . . but it may seem like that initially. Opening up that proverbial can of worms was kind of hard for me 'cause it's a mess everywhere when those worms come out, but it's better than keeping them cooped up to begin with. It may seems messy at first, but it's better to get those things out.

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Thank you :hugs: Hope so!! Glad you have/are sorting your worms!
Er... you know what I mean haha! I don't mean Cap has worms :o

Quote:

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Dude . . . she gave you homework? :eek:

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Haha!! Yes! Not the 1st time she has either... :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CaptLex

Dude . . . she gave you homework? :eek:

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I got homework last time too. Watch me do it the night before my next appointment. :p

You going to be a good boy and do your homework on time Pocs, or be like me and wait until the last minute, panicking and doing a half-assed job? :heehee:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kerrianna

I got homework last time too. Watch me do it the night before my next appointment. :p

You going to be a good boy and do your homework on time Pocs, or be like me and wait until the last minute, panicking and doing a half-assed job? :heehee:

---

Hello Kerriwiddle (hahaha don't hit me).

Well I have to admit I'm usually the last minute type with that sort of thing too... :o
But this I am pretty interested in (the gender bits) so I will be peeking at those books later today even I reckons!

... my counsellor is so cool!! :cool: :GD:

We worked through some stuff today and it was really cool seeing how it was all linked and that.

Seriously... I have never had a counsellor that works so well and understands so much and makes me feel so calm about it all.

She is so nice and so excellent :D

I am sooo glad to have her.
[SIZE="1"](Thank you Kieron *hug*)[/SIZE]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

[SIZE=1](Thank you Kieron *hug*)[/SIZE]

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another good session i take it???? do tell us about it if you can!!....btw you're very welcome!

:c9: :hugs:

Yes... she is seriously amazing.
She is so... I dunno how to put it... brainy?!... about how people work and stuff, even though she's really young.
Her ideas and systematic way of working are just... quality!

I wish I had the right words to explain what I mean, but I'm a bit dippy still lol!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

:c9: :hugs:

Yes... she is seriously amazing.
She is so... I dunno how to put it... brainy?!... about how people work and stuff, even though she's really young.
Her ideas and systematic way of working are just... quality!

I wish I had the right words to explain what I mean, but I'm a bit dippy still lol!

---

YAY! im glad you are happy today

hey btw theres another pic of me to coo over in the gallery! *whistles* *this guy is good for my ego*!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

I wish I had the right words to explain what I mean, but I'm a bit dippy still lol!

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It's okay, you had a good session that's what counts. You go boy! :D

[SIZE="1"](btw I just discovered the hearts in yours and Lisa's sig. Sweet! ;) )[/SIZE]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kieron Andrew

YAY! im glad you are happy today

hey btw theres another pic of me to coo over in the gallery! *whistles* *this guy is good for my ego*!

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Yay :D! I am too. Thank you!

Oh yeah.. I just saw that :D It's really cool. Your hair looks well nice in it, especially in the sideburny area. And lol, anyone that wouldn't think you're a boy is well... a bit of a kn*b! You look really cool :thumbsup: :thumbsup: Yamon!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Evert

It's okay, you had a good session that's what counts. You go boy! :D

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Yaay thank you dude :hugs:

Quote:

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[SIZE="1"](btw I just discovered the hearts in yours and Lisa's sig. Sweet! ;) )[/SIZE]

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[SIZE="1"]Aahaha! :o :o Shhh.[/SIZE]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

[SIZE="1"]Aahaha! :o :o Shhh.[/SIZE]

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[SIZE="4"]I won't tell[/SIZE]



:heehee:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

We worked through some stuff today and it was really cool seeing how it was all linked and that.

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Yay! So cool that your sessions are still going well and helping you. I'm glad you guys clicked well together. Very happy for you, dude. Now . . . where's Bi with them brownies? :heehee:

Quote:

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Now . . . where's Bi with them brownies?

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Hey brownies are supposed to be for coming out and other similarly big events! Don't go expecting them!
Aww okay. I'm a sucker. Here's a big pan of brownies for all! Just be careful - they're still warm.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bi_weird

Here's a big pan of brownies for all! Just be careful - they're still warm.

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*drooling* :drool:

Haha Evert!

Awww thanks Cap. :hugs: :hugs:

Mmm... brownies..... :drooling:

Mmmm love your brownies bi!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tristan

Mmmm love your brownies bi!

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Shouldn't we call them BIwnies? :heehee:

Another phone one.

Went really well.

She said I worked hard (got emotional about some stuff), and afterwards I feel... yes bit squinty/fuzzy headed (haha I guess my bug doesn't help with that!)... but somehow... lighter! :D

Cool :cool:! :happy:

.... :GD: ..... lol

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

Another phone one. Went really well.

She said I worked hard (got emotional about some stuff), and afterwards I feel... yes bit squinty/fuzzy headed (haha I guess my bug doesn't help with that!)... but somehow... lighter! :D

Cool :cool:! :happy:

.... :GD: ..... lol

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Lighter is good - very good. Sometimes it's hard work, isn't it? But the result is worth it. Good for you, Poccy-Mon. :D :hugs:

Awww! Thank you Cappymon! :hugs: :hugs:



[SIZE="1"]... pocca pocca..... [/SIZE]

Good for you Pocs. :hugs: You do get out of it what you put in, and it sounds like you're willing to make things work. It really helps to unravel stuff in order to put it all together. I'm glad you're able to work long-distance with her. That's a bonus not having to wait for visits. :hugs: :love:

Thanks Kez, and yay I get to see her face to face next week!
:hugs:

----
Phone session today:

For some reason I felt a bit confused about how I felt about stuff, and what we'd previously been over today. Only a little bit. But it's that section of the month where I can't think very straight... I get clumsy and so does my thinking! hehe.

We worked through some things though and I think got some important issues sorted or partially sorted and others touched upon :happy:

She said she has noticed some positive changes in me since our 1st session yay! So that's really good actually! Cool :cool:
I know that I have started to have a little more trust in myself since I have started seeing her. That is a very good thing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

I know that I have started to have a little more trust in myself since I have started seeing her. That is a very good thing.

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Yup, that is a very good thing - and from your posts here I would say that's not the only good thing. Congratulations! May your future sessions bring you even more positive things. :hugs:

Yay, Pocs! Glad the counseling is going well for you.

:hugs:

:hugs: Pocs I've noticed the positive changes myself. You do seem more confident, less confused and self-doubting, less harsh on yourself, more assertive. It's all good little brother. :happy:

And dude, thank you so so very much, from both of us, for the inspiring and encouraging messages in your signature.

You are a great friend. :hugs: :love:

AWww thank you Cappy and Tristan :hugs:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kerrianna

:hugs: Pocs I've noticed the positive changes myself. You do seem more confident, less confused and self-doubting, less harsh on yourself, more assertive. It's all good little brother. :happy:

And dude, thank you so so very much, from both of us, for the inspiring and encouraging messages in your signature.

You are a great friend. :hugs: :love:

---

Awwwwwww Kez, thank you lovely lady :bighug:
I think I've been those things a bit more too actually (more confident, less confused etc.) Yay!!

--------


Oooops... Adam's new thread (which he will be updating regularly) reminded me that I didn't update this one on Monday!

On Monday I had a face to face session with my counsellor.
It was quite good I think (bit dappy tonight, it's hard to remember exactly what we discussed), I know it was hard work, bit painful, whooshed by too fast... but good I think, heading in the right direction...!

I felt a bit funny when my counsellor said "she" about me a couple of times though.. haha weird. I'm used to people saying she (even though I don't like it). I guess it just felt funny because I have heard her refer to me as Jack before, so it felt funny that she said she. I think she might have like, covered up the saying she-ness, or had a reason for it, but it made me think "Oh no.. does that mean she sees me as female?" (Like I worry when Kieron goes "bitch" or something) it makes me think "Oh no.. do they subconsciously see me as female?!!!"

But that's silly, because of course she probably does, she sees me and my long hair and my "girlyness". If I was transitioning and that then I'm sure people would start naturally start thinking of and calling me "he", so it's all cool! I just felt a bit odd about it lol.

Besides that, in the session we were dealing with some issues about my Dad (you know.. the whole "he might not be my biological father" thing :() and we still have some stuff on that to work through because I sort of skim through stuff a bit too fast when it's painful apparently. (And make jokes hehe... but hey, I can't help seeing comedy in stuff :p). Also we talked about my mum and stuff a bit more too. Don't really want to say exactly what that was, feels a bit too sort of personal and painful to discuss here, but it was to do with her depression and that. Btw... great news about that... everyone has been saying to her that she seems so much better... and she has even been saying that she feels so much better!! YAAY! :jumping:!!! And for her to say that is just... miraculous!! :c9: *tired happy little sigh* that's rather wonderful really isn't it? ... (not that I'm going to relax and enjoy it yet... I don't trust it... I've been through this crap too many times before to feel safe about letting my guard down lol!)

We haven't got on to speaking mainly about gender issues again yet, because we are working through other stuff first and gradually leading up to that. But we do touch on it in every session.

w00t w00t! Yeah, I remember you were worried about her depression. Even if this doesn't last, it's good for both her and you that she's feeling much better right now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Question Mark

w00t w00t! Yeah, I remember you were worried about her depression. Even if this doesn't last, it's good for both her and you that she's feeling much better right now.

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Awwwwww yus! Good point! Thank you very much Marky Mark! :hugs: :hugs:

(Hehe... "Marky Mark"... mmmm Calvin Kleins...:heehee: )

Sounds like you're getting into the gooey thick of the family stuff Pocs, which like you said needs to be looked at along with the TG. It's all part and parcel of who we are and what makes us tick (or tock :heehee: ).

Yeah, comedy is a great way to angle in at painful stuff. Sometimes you can deal with a tough issue by having a laugh too. Sometimes I find I use comedy to avoid dealing too. Therapists are usually pretty good at spotting that avoidance technique.

You sound like you've got a good positive attitude about your counsellor and what you guys are working through together. :hugs: Kudos dude. You even understood her use of pronouns without taking offense it sounds like. That's cool. Shows self confidence and belief in yourself. :thumbsup:

Glad to hear your mum is feeling better too. Hope all is going well for you guys. :hugs: :love:

Hi Pocs.
I think that we need to get all the other crap out of the way before tackling gender issues because so much of it is a result of our hiding. Really, we dont have probs with gender, it is all the other junk that came from it. Make sense?

Jo Ann hardly ever talks about gender unless I bring it up because of a specific issue I am dealing with. She will however refer to other things as common to most transgendered people.

So, working on me is the goal, not on the gender issues because those I fully understand probably better than she does. I KNOW my feelings and my emotions and where they come from so in that I have a good handle.

Anyway, I am glad you are sticking it out.

:hugs:
Kimberley

AWww thank you sweet Kez :hugs:

Hi Kimb, yeah that definitely makes sense. I think so too.
AWww t'ank you :hugs:

--------------

Well just had a phone session.
Spent most of it crying lol. Just because I'm so tired and been stressed, and been run down.
I'm not lookin' forward to some stuff at end of this week/next week.

Feel a bit flat and down now. Dunno.

I said "do you think it's possible to get better?" and she said she's not a medical doctor but that she thinks there's a lot to be said for positive thinking.
I was like "anxiety-wise I mean (as opposed to my balance problem)", and she said that she can't diagnose.

It made me feel a bit down because I'd love to know that it IS possible to completely get over crap like this.
(I do believe in my heart of hearts that it is).

Also it was a bit depressing because I verbalised something I'd been wondering... if you transition... does part of you die.
I mean, in a lot of ways it's still the same person. But also.. someone that's been there... someone that's looked, acted and existed a certain way and had people react to them a certain way... sort of isn't quite there any more.
And she said that in a way she supposes part of you does die... and I said "that's really sad" and she said "but another part is born/comes to life".

It just made me feel down.
And I was feeling tired of having coping with this stuff for so long (even though it's much better than it used to be, sometimes things just get on top of you. ).

But I mean I'm ok, I just get down when I worry that I can't be like a normal person (anxiety-wise I mean).

It annoys me that I don't know who I am quite too.

Oh well :happy:

I'm just a bit tired and stuff.

She gave me a nice relaxing technique too, so thats cool. I will try it out!
I might even try it when I'm not feeling panicky to relax!

We talked about doing some little goals too. So that might be good.

I'm gonna read some more of my Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway book because that really helped when I was reading that (annoyingly I stopped when I got to an exercise but I am will do that now).
And some other panic type literature that helped me when I had to travel further than I'd been for ages, a while ago.

:happy:

Poc, Once you know who you are, it gives you a great deal of power, enough power to accomplish anything you set your mind to. It puts you in charge of directing your own destiny rather than just being a rider on the road of life like most in this world are. I always look at things and say:"Okay, what is the absolute worse case scenerio?" You break down the problem step by step and it doesn't look that ponderous. You have begun doing that and like Kerrianna, I've seen positive changes in you, in your resolve to get the job done and using any and all resources to do it. Once you break it down into little tasks, it depowers seemingly overwhealming things and ideas and you find out what you thought was a big deal is a mere nothing and you control the situation. You always have a choice regardless, but the fact that it is YOUR choice makes all the difference and that gives you the power my handsome young man.:thumbsup: ;) :hugs: Sal

Awwww Salandra, thank you :hugs: :love:
You are so wise. That makes so much sense...
Thank you very much lovely Sal. :bighug:

Oh btw... also at one stage when I was saying about things feeling like hard work my counsellor said that it's going to be a lot of hard work yet, and I said "Oh great" and she said "But it's going to be so worth it..." .... :D
That's pretty cool actually, yamon!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pocoyo

I said "do you think it's possible to get better?" and she said she's not a medical doctor but that she thinks there's a lot to be said for positive thinking. I was like "anxiety-wise I mean (as opposed to my balance problem)", and she said that she can't diagnose. It made me feel a bit down because I'd love to know that it IS possible to completely get over crap like this. (I do believe in my heart of hearts that it is).

---

Sounds like she didn't want to give you more than she can guarantee - or something like that. I'm sure it's possible to get better, but it's probably different for everyone, so who can tell whether it will or won't happen. Or was that just psychobabble?

Quote:

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Also it was a bit depressing because I verbalised something I'd been wondering... if you transition... does part of you die. I mean, in a lot of ways it's still the same person. But also.. someone that's been there... someone that's looked, acted and existed a certain way and had people react to them a certain way... sort of isn't quite there any more.

---

You know I've been wondering alot about that too - and the thought of it also makes me sad. Lately, I'm thinking that maybe we let go of any part of our past that just doesn't fit us anymore (and this goes for non-trans people too), but if we still need any part of us, we can keep it or call it back up if we need it. Sounds crazy, I know, but the thought came to me this weekend when I went to see Mom in the hospital. The first day it was really doing my head in that I had to pretend to play a female for her benefit and the benefit of those around her, but the second day I told myself that it was just a part to play - a part I had successfully played for many years and was fully qualified to play, nothing else. And that allowed me to bring that part of me back for a brief time without losing the me that I am now. I don't know if that made any sense, but I'm trying to say that I think that means we don't lose that, really, if we don't want to.

My therapy session left me a little moody today too, so I can sympathize, but in the end I think we have to stir up those emotions in order to get working on them. Rough sometimes, right? BTW, I think Sal gave you very good advice. And that bit about looking at the worse case scenario - we've been thinking alike again (spooky). :happy: