The plight of the SO

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by raverbabe gg

So are you trying to say that it's ok the blame the SO's for everything? I don't really get what point you are trying to make here.

---

I am saying that in any forum of thousands of members where marital problems are discussed, you will get lots of people who will blame their SOs because their relationship has fallen apart. It is inevitable this will happen so I don't think it is worth getting defensive over. If this were a forum of thousands of women and a small number of men, do you think the situation would not be reversed? - namely lots of threads where women were blaming men for the breakup of their relationships. There is a lot of hurt and blaming is common.

As to what I think of blame itself, it is a worthless exercise. What is done is done. What really counts is the resolution, forgiveness and moving on.

Just my thoughts, My wife is fantastic!!!! She get's clothes for me and I for her. If it's just her and I against the world, we might not win, but we would be together...BJ

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Satrana

I am saying that in any forum of thousands of members where marital problems are discussed, you will get lots of people who will blame their SOs because their relationship has fallen apart. It is inevitable this will happen so I don't think it is worth getting defensive over.

---

You are pointing towards a very specific thing here that I did not in my original post. I did not aim this post specifically about marital problems.

And perhaps if you re read it I'm not getting defensive. I'm trying to point out that it's hard for us as well. I think often people who are involved in such a highly personal journey of self discovery often can become selfish and forget the effects this can have on those around them.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to pin all the blame on the CD either, but a relationship is about both sides and I think sometimes CDing can take over a relationship and it's important sometimes to step back and think that there are two people in that relationship and perhaps give some thought to the effect of CDing on the SO.

I was once told if the shoe fits then lace it up and wear it...

...So I will wear it...Thank goodness my wife and I have a strong and loving relationship, but it has not come with ease...There was a time she was not and would not accept me as Marcie...It was not her fault, after all I only had 15 years to drop the bomb on her...sure maybe she was a bit closed minded, but after all she went into our marriage with the expetations of having a man's, man...

The fault was mine for several reasons, my fear, my lack of faith in the love my wife had for me. Fear was and is to be expected, but one must have faithin the love of your SO, wife, gg, or how ever you want to address your partner...

With this all said, I readly accept the blame for all the grief we both experienced during my revelation and coming out...But I thank God for the loving woman he has seen fit to allow me to find...She like the others who accept their hubbies as the other woman are real KEEPERS...

Any time a marriage or relationship falls apart there is plenty of blame to go around, but both must be willing to accept their fair share...The important words to remember is "their share"...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kimberley

I have seen this statement of the CD has had all these years to come to terms with it. I beg to differ. A lot of CD's, TG's and TS's havent come to terms with their gender identities, and most never will. I think it is an unfair assessment.

The CD that opens up to an SO is looking for support first and foremost.

---

In our case, this is not true. I was told because I found out "something" was going on. Even now, I ask him why he told me as he did not have to - the issue at hand was twelve miles from CDing. He says he just felt it was time and was tired of hiding, but more so he was planning on escalating the activities (from just putting on the clothes to going full-femme & out), and felt that was too much to be able to hide. When we had the fateful dinner where he clearly stated his intent, he remembers asking if I would be OK with that; I don't remember ever being asked. The phrase "...I'm telling you because it's going to cost alot of money so you'll find out anyway..." sticks in my mind. However, since that was the 1st stage of me coming out of my denial, I won't swear his recollection isn't more accurate.

So #1, he wasn't looking for someone to help him accept or understand himself. In my opinion, he was looking for an assistant to facilitate his planned activity. (Please understand I am not trying to paint him in a selfish, inconsiderate light. Had at any point I yelled "Stop" or "No", he would've - or at least paused - and I did not do either of those things.)

#2 He certainly did have almost 40 yrs to come to terms/understand this - he had been dressing since the age of 10 or 11 and ALL our 25 yrs or marriage. That he chose not to or was unable to, for whatever reason, is his responsibility alone. Your point that he was not self-aware enough to understand is well taken. However, why did it take observance of others' activities (searching the internet) to lead him to believe full-femme was possible? Why does it take the encouragement & approval of strangers to validate this CDing desire? If this is really transgenderedness (is that a word?) in his soul, why does he need outside validation or to conform to the CD community "norm" to express what was being expressed for so long without that community?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Marcie Sexton

...It was not her fault, after all I only had 15 years to drop the bomb on her...sure maybe she was a bit closed minded, but after all she went into our marriage with the expetations of having a man's, man......

---

I take exception to saying GG SO's are looking for a "man's man". (Literally, doesn't that mean someone who is gay?) I understand the meaning you intended, but IMO, that is not accurate. If I had married some big, burly, hairy guy I would maybe agree. But my husband is not huge (only 5'9" or 10"), never was excessively hairy, although very muscular. The issue, as Erin illustrated so well, is that I met, came to know & love a person named D. Changing the clothes does not end D, however D would like it to. He wants Darlene to come into existance at the demise (even though temporarily) of D. It's not that I want a "man's man", it's that I don't want to lose the D I know & love. By making "him" expendable, I feel something I cherise is being berated or not properly respected. (I'm perfectly willing to admit that an opinion like that may require therapy)

Tree, I really value your comments. Never has a real girl, written with such honesty about what it feels like to be on the other end of our little 'hobby'. It has made me think about my own relationship, how much I value it, and my effect on the dear ones around me. I had not appreciated before just how it had cost my wife to get to where she is now and to be hanging in there

Love you loads

Mitch

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tree GG

why did it take observance of others' activities (searching the internet) to lead him to believe full-femme was possible? Why does it take the encouragement & approval of strangers to validate this CDing desire?

---

Tree GG and others,

This is a very poignent question you are asking. Why do so many of us CDs not just seek approval/encouragement from our Spouses or GFs? I think the main reason is that many of us are or were brought up to believe that "Men do these things, and Women do those things". Basically, the whole Men are macho and women are not kind of attitudes, which in some instances may be the case, but in the case of a CD, such as myself, we can still be the "Man" in the relationship, but there is just something more to us that makes up the whole being.

I am sure most members here spent many years of their lives trying to live up to the macho images they are/were TOLD that they HAD TO project to other people, only to finally realize later in life that which they truly were. We are crossdressers, there is no "cure" or "escape" from this part of us. It is who and what we are, and while some of us have loving and supportive SOs, sadly many others do not.

I applaud the ones that are there for us, and I hope that those "on the proverbial fence" will realize that we are still the same person, just with a much better wardrobe, and show the support so many of us crave.

Kandis:love:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by KandisTX

Tree GG and others,

This is a very poignent question you are asking. Why do so many of us CDs not just seek approval/encouragement from our Spouses or GFs? I think the main reason is that many of us are or were brought up to believe that "Men do these things, and Women do those things". Basically, the whole Men are macho and women are not kind of attitudes, which in some instances may be the case, but in the case of a CD, such as myself, we can still be the "Man" in the relationship, but there is just something more to us that makes up the whole being.

I am sure most members here spent many years of their lives trying to live up to the macho images they are/were TOLD that they HAD TO project to other people, only to finally realize later in life that which they truly were. We are crossdressers, there is no "cure" or "escape" from this part of us. It is who and what we are, and while some of us have loving and supportive SOs, sadly many others do not.

I applaud the ones that are there for us, and I hope that those "on the proverbial fence" will realize that we are still the same person, just with a much better wardrobe, and show the support so many of us crave.

Kandis:love:

---

is in the shame of what it is they desire and even crave. When I have a bad day with the TG stuff I remember how difficult it has been for my Carin. It is not that eoither one of us have it harder, it is just a different ind of difficulty. Relationships are complex. TG make it even more challenging. It is my challenge to support Carin in accepting herself as it is her challenge to help me accept where I am at. To me that what love and committment means. I am reminded often that she has not changed, only her own awarenes of who she really is.



Louise.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Carin's Wife GG

...I am reminded often that she has not changed, only her own awarenes of who she really is...

---

Louise, you have hit upon a fundamental truth. And I would be remiss if I did not say that this cuts BOTH ways. It's not our wives/SO's who have changed, it's their awareness as well.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tree GG

In our case, this is not true. I was told because I found out "something" was going on.
So #1, he wasn't looking for someone to help him accept or understand himself. In my opinion, he was looking for an assistant to facilitate his planned activity.

---

[SIZE=3]I couldn't agree with Tree more. Too often, IMO from things I've read, the only reason the CDer tells the SO/GF/spouse in the first place is because we "found something out" that just didn't fit. I know in my situation that was sure the case. I was ready to leave the relationship because I thought there was another woman, which, there was, it just turned out that the other woman was him. Once he told me the truth I embraced his CDing wholeheartedly and even enjoyed participatinig in the activities. It is sad though that there has to be that lie in the first place. And once it is disclosed, for whatever reason, the CDer needs to understand, that not all GG's are going to react like I did. They, the CDer have had a lifetime to come to terms with it and even then they frequently still struggle with it themselves. So how can you expect your wife/SO/GF to accept something of this magnatude in the blink of an eye? It isn't an easy thing for a lot of GG's to come to terms with. We weren't raised in a society that is so accepting or tolerant. That is up to us to change. :hugs: CG GG[/SIZE]

i think CG/GG has it right. weve had many years to get to know ourselves, why should we expect the people we love to come to except us as we are. the face value has a lot to do with it. they have come to see us in our male persona, when we unload the truth on them it becomes a delima most couldnt cope with. not just us who is telling the truth but a woman who isnt ready to deal with it. most women arent raised to think her biggest rival will be her husband.

I still think it's fantastic that you GGs should put so much time and effort into posting on this forum, primarily for the benefit of us CDs. This thread has been particularly helpful for me to more fully appreciate my wife's point of view, even though it's still very negative. I still live in hope that one day I'll get her to join in, and realise that many of you who have embraced your SO's female persona with anything between tolerance and enthusiasm, really do get something out of it for yourselves, in addition to making your SO very happy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tony

I couldn't agree more it is tough for SO's whenever theyfind out where it is the 1st date or after 25 yrs of marriage. Most GG's are programed to find men attractive and good company. They may find their dressed SO good company but as a girl friend it is difficult. It has been for mine and she has know for 30 yrs and she does not like to see me dressed and I can respect that..Sallee

is it fair to hide a prediliction like crossdressing ,from Your wife ,or SO .. at any time ?? Likely not ! from responces here and elsewhere !!
Seems like a domestic personal issue , where making "generalizations" ...might be a mistake ...
and the "How would You like Your Wife as a man ? premis " ( or penis?) might be the
oldest (kickthedeadhorse) - parts are fallin' off that "nag" !!
If You look round , (FTM) there may be some who would prefer being the dominant partner while still retaining their GG status ?
I believe such postings tend to catagorize (members here) All in the same "Box"
While I'm interested in finding an understanding GG , being honest and up front with them...
I just realized I'm S*IT outaluck-roundhere... :( "K"

For what it's worth, I can totally see my wife's side of things. In my case, we acted this out within the first month of our dating 11 years ago. The fact that she was accepting then and repulsed now has made me very angry. But, that notwithstanding, she feels how she feels, so I work on it with her, trying to get acceptance while trying to respect her boundries. We've been to therapy together a few times to talk about it. I am greatful for her willingness and try to have the same willingness to work things out.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Khriss

I believe such postings tend to catagorize (members here) All in the same "Box"
While I'm interested in finding an understanding GG , being honest and up front with them...
I just realized I'm S*IT outaluck-roundhere... :( "K"

---

Wow, you talk about us making generalisations and then you do exactly the same thing about all the GG's on here... :thumbsdn:

Oh and Khriss, you'll find most of the GG's on here already have partners. The very fact that we have partner's who CD is the reason most of us are here, not because we are looking.


And I'm sorry if there has been some misunderstanding here but I was never aiming this most at all CDers, just expressing my concern that at the time I had been reading a growing number of threads that seem to blame the SO's for everything. The whole point of this thread was not to point the blame at the CD, but to try and explain why an SO may do the things she does and to try and explain it from our point of view.

Of course I can't speak for all GG's, I can only talk about my own experiences, but many of the GG's on here have added their own thoughts and opinions anyway.

and the most telling statement You've made is "You can't speak for all the GG's here" .. Hey ? I've no probs with you voicing your oppinion ..
relating your own personal problems with "crossdressing partners" but ...never assume that the majority of us here have'nt heard it before..or buy into your mindset...
and yes I've had women I loved ,,that could'nt handle me being "Khriss"...

and by the way .. I refered to "YOU"...( RAVER ) making generalizations !! not "we " or Us ..etc
stand up for such ignorance Yourself .. or you need to enlist help ??

Khriss, there really is no need to attack me personally. :thumbsdn:

All I have done is simply make a post expressing the side of the GG, or sorry I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to do that?

You are the only one who's had a problem with this post and I think to attack me personally, when so many other people have commented on this is extremely, well, I won't lower myself to your level and start insulting you.

It's posts like this that make me question what I'm doing here and make me extremely glad that my partner is a sensitive and considerate person.

its tough. my SO swings from good days to bad days.

i understand that if the people around us finds out about my CDing, its pretty embarrassing for her.
they have other concerns as well. what if they see their SO being abused? verbally or emotionally?

is it fair for the SO to experience this? i have went through a lot of thoughts, and prefer to reduce/tone down my CDing. afterall i did went for treatment (pyschologist) before, and managed to succeed in stopping for 2 years.
the relapse have been most hurting to myself actually.

for CDers to expect their SO to accept them as who they are is a reasonable thing. but to blame SO for not accepting, i guess to most CDers, it comes from a position of self-confidence issue.
personally i love my SO very much, and i think its not fair for her to accept that my CDing.
i do hope she accepts.