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Would you beleive the same thing happened to me? I went for a couple of years with very little interest in cross dressing or "Kim". In fact, I just came out of this slump about the time I started posting on this forum! I don't think I'd let it panic you. If she is not there, just respectfuly set her and her stuff aside until she returns. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Holly
Holly
You have friends here, you will be back.
Holly
At times like this I always think of the song The Ghost in You by the Psychedelic Furs .... Inside you the time moves and she don't fade, the ghost in you she don't fade.
Holly probably feels like a ghost right now as remnants of her are still about you. Rest assured, she is still around. She is a part of you. Be not afraid.
We all go through periods of dryness in everything we do, whether it be slumps at work, matters of faith and beliefs, or pleasurable pursuits. These are all normal. We don't know why they happen, and they come about as suddenly as they go away.
Meditate and contemplate.
Huggles
Toni-Lynn
please remember holly is a dear and sweet part of you. maybe holly is just taking some R n R .. she will be back you of all people should know that. maybe you should take a break too relax enjoy the moment ,
let me tell you a secret my friend myself being a ts full time is also so very stressful. all i can do now is just dress down and no makeup .. i don't care what people think. i too get sick and tired of trying to please everyone .
live in the moment holly enjoy here and now Hun. we will still be here time to recharge the batteries
I'm glad to hear it isn't anything mortal. It happens to all of us I'm sure. Spend half an hour on Ebay and you'll be back to your usual self in no time.:love:
Dear Holly,
This feeling has happened to me, more than once. Caused by different reasons. Not to worry. Like others have said, the desire will probably return.
It may come back a little different--moving on to the next stage, for example. If your work life has been very involving, you might need something in your retirement that will replace it. Just dressing might not be enough. So it might be dressing and going places, or dressing and transgender political activism or volunteerism, or dressing and opening a new business like Tamara V did. Whatever it is, when you find it, it will fit you to a "T" (giggle). And when you find it, the old desire will come flying back.
Another time, I lost interest because current women's fashions left me cold. If I went out dressed the way I like, people stared because I was soooo out of fashion! (Yes, this really happened!) So I dressed a little more classically, stayed away from department stores, and spent my money on other things for a while. I wore women's pants for a few months and bought some nifty railroad models. In a few months, fashions got cute again. I had some money saved up, and had a little shopping spree. Wheee!
So it could be many things. Whatever it is, don't worry. Don't purge. Holly will be back. In the meantime, continue to be the warm, caring person we all love and respect. And if you're dressed male, your secret is safe with us.
Love,
Rikki
Just put on your red shoes, say, " I want Holly to come home". Then, click your heels together 3 times!
You've always had the power to bring her back, u just didn't know it!:eek:
Anyway, that works for me every time!:battingeyelashes:
I'm in the same boat right now sweetie!
Haven't dressed all summer, and really don't have that much desire right now. The club I used to hang out at closed, and I'm dating a lot (GG's) right now, riding my bike lots and just don't seem to have the time to dress.
I guess "Tina" has taken a hiatus. Not sure when she will be back.
I hope "Holly" is just vacationing and not "gone" She has a lot of great friends here.
*smooches*
Thank our Heavenly Father that you are all alive and well. Be assured that "Holly" will be back!! She probably is just taking a little time to readjust to retirement. And a big Thank You for clarifying the issue!!
Stephanie
Lady on the outside, but man underneath!
Holly you got me thinking..........and it hurts.......... Holly she is not gone ..... she is still there right were she belongs....... and from time to time she dose something real smart she hides out for a while..... know why???.... OK she hides out for a while so you have to hang out with him....... lol told you she was smart..... see when you think she is gone and miss her and think great stuck with him....... fear not she will come back and omg your going to so be happy with her............ok?????????? oh one more thing my dear .... answer that dame phone you had me scared to death........
look things come and go ..... i haven't been shopping in ages i was freaked about it at first ..... then thought it is what it is..... lol when the feeling comes back lol the stores are going to get cleaned out...........
we will talk......and talk....... and talk..............charge up the battery your going to need it...........
latter...........
Holly,
As you have told me through the years when i couldn't be Carla when i want to. She's there, just give her the time she needs to figure out what needs to be done. Then she'll emerge as the beautiful flower once again.
So be patient.
Other wise take drugs and drink heavily:eek:
Love always
Carla
Hiya Holly...
I know the feeling well, but she,s still there in the background just resting herself ready for some new adventures :)
She never leaves, just takes "time out" for a while!!!
I bet you,ll soon be here proclaiming.....
[SIZE="3"]"Shes Back"[/SIZE]
Life moves on.But youll be back if it suits you,your feelings and emotions.Take Care
Holly, I have a feeling that your fem self will return, not with a vengeance, but with a feeling of love and acceptance. Holly has been a part of you for so long, give her some time to be away, she will return and you will embrace her. Holly, you are our CD Mom, and you are also our friend, if I could I would hug the pudding out of you (to quote another friend).
All my love
Jen Jen
Hi Holly
You know as well as anyone here she just wont disappear
I vacation is a good way of describing it but we all know vacations have to end
So the secret is prepare yourself for that day :hugs:
I bought a few new pairs of pantyhose couple weeks ago. Haven't tried them on yet. Have had very little uge lately and even less time. I wonder if there is a connection. You have a full plate right now Holly. One disaster at a time, just be dilligent and patient. Our alter egos need holliday just like our outer selves. Make sure she has "a clean house to come home to" if you know what I mean.
Well.....like I was saying, its a loss to you "whatever its nature" a loss is a loss, but in this case the hope of a reincarnation is a more tangible one. In the meanwhile maybe there is some kind of butterfly metamorphosis thing going on.....give it time, and tell us how you are finding it...its good to talk!! :hugs:
Sometimes the femme side just up and disappears for an indefinite amount of time. No big deal really. Just get back in the game when you are ready.
I read your post yesterday but I didn't want to respond until there were more details. Having personally met you and HT Girl, it certainly didn't make any sense to me at all that it would be your wife that would be the one to have "gone".
However, now you have shared that it is your femme self that seems to have (temporarily) left you, that makes much more sense to me. While it has only happened to me for short moments (like a couple of days or so in the past) I do think it's actually fairly common for this sort of thing to happen. I wouldn't mind betting that all those old feelings will come flooding back sooner than you might expect.
Take care Holly. We'll all be waiting for you to come back, and whatever you do, don't purge!
Hugs
Rachel
Late to this thread - blame it on a really chaotic schedule and a tendency to lurk rather than post lately. What you are going through is common to many of us both CD and Trans - there are times when we wonder why we even try to show our real selves, if we are doing the right thing, but trust me - Holly is there - even if you can't "feel" her presence - she is in your genes and she will resurface when you least expect her to. Many are the times when I've been "down" and felt that Alice would never "make it" - More times than I can count in the last few years when I've been there - I've dressed anyway and gone to a service at MCCGSL - and come away feeling 100% better because of the love and support of my fellow congregants. You have a family here and if you will let us do so we will provide help and support as you have done for so many of us. If you want or need to talk feel free to PM me or send me a phone number and I'll call you. The piece below is not original with me - it was sent to me by a friend when I was at a spiritual low point and it helped me in no small way. Shared it with Gypsy Karen when she was having hard times and she called it her "dumbo feather" - something that lifted her spirits as it did mine at a critical point. And it applies as much to being a CD as it does to being trans. So read, relax and know your "family" is here at need.
The Monster at the End of the Book
There is a monster at the end of this book. Indeed. There are two kinds of people in the world, those that have read this book and those that need to read it. If you haven't, it's a children's book for say 4 or 5 year olds. Grover, one of the lovable fuzzy Sesame Street residents, is the protagonist who knows and informs the reader that there is a monster on the last page of the book. For fear of the monster, he asks the reader to please not turn the pages, as that will only be getting closer to the monster. You turn the pages, as you do with a book, and Grover resorts to asking, chaining the page down, building a brick wall, and eventually a sincere, heartfelt plea for the reader not to turn the very last page. But who is on the last page? Grover. The loveable, kind, sweet, gentle, caring, blue, Sesame Street MONSTER that he is.
A Monster at the End of the Book.
All that fear for a word. Judgements made based on an idea, a concept, a mental picture.
I got on the road to cheering myself up after the events of the morning by making the bed and convincing my kitty there was a critter under the sheets. He chased the little mounds of air that would travel around the bed when I fluffed the sheet gently. That's when this book came to my mind. I find it describes so many parts of transition, in one way or another.
Pre-everything, we find ourselves inexorably drawn to turn the next page. Despite internalized societal laws and direct external influences that suggest some dire consequence being the only possible end to what we do, we keep turning the pages. We need to know, need to get to the end of the book, need to find the answer to what we are and why we defy what is normal. So we turn the pages, search the internet, go out dressed, watch any and every related movie we can get a hand on, read books. Then there's the last page. And we find out that the "monster" is nothing like what the word alone made us think when we began. And *boom* we understand. Lightning strikes somewhere along the way and we realize our own potential, destroy our own cookie cutter schema of what it is to be what we are, and decide to run with our own lives, despite what anyone else might say.
From Grover's point of view. Despite our own beliefs, our hopes and wishes, we still have this block on the word transsexual. We have accepted it in ourselves, but know/fear that others may not, and some others never will, for whatever reason. We find a reason, something that makes us different, and we still define ourselves as 'different'. We fear what comes when the reader finds this "monster" at the end of the book. We fear it because, well, you know and I know that I'm just a normal girl, but the ultra conservatives, the fanatics, the idiot who referred to us as tranny fags, the Jerry Springer watchers, some of our own family members can't see past the word. They will forever blind themselves and believe that we are far inferior and deserve to be treated like trash. We build walls, we seal things away with chains and locks, and in our own heads beg with all our hearts that no one finds the "monster" we're trying to hide.
But then, there, on the last page. There we are. We are one with the word and you know what? It isn't so bad. In fact, we're kind, loveable, caring, funny, cute, normal people. As a matter of fact, we are different. We're above average. We're so different than what the word brings up in anyone's head that we stun them into a totally new concept. Yes I'm a transsexual. No I don't wear cheetah print mini skirts, fishnet stockings , or bright purple eye shadow to my eyebrows in broad daylight. Yes I am a transsexual. No I am not a gay man. I am saving my life, not destroying it. I don't hate men, I don't hate women. I AM committed to fulfilling my sense of self with a passion you'll never understand. I AM smart, well spoken, clean, well dressed. I HAVE people that love me, people that stuck with me, people that have proven their true friendship when I was at the bottom of a well. Guess what? I want to be a cisgendered woman about a million times more than you want me to be. It's a lot harder for me than it is for you to deal with me destroying your negative imagery. And I will. Yes, I am a transsexual, but that doesn't tell you a g*d d**n thing about me. As a matter of fact, I'm going to shatter what you thought about me when you heard that word just by being myself. Listen to me and you'll never see that word again. You'll see me and my friends who are similarly amazing people, and you'll know that the rest of the world is wrong. You'll know the picture you were given is one of hate, one made specifically to torture people, and you'll reject it. I cannot say I am not different, I cannot say that I am not transsexual, but I can show you what that word really means. I am the monster at the end of the book, but I am not anything that you thought I would be. :hugs:
I feel like I'm just not myself. Like the person I am isn't really the person walking round talking to people. My desire to be the carefree spirit I know myself to be just isn't there. I stand in front of the canvas and nothing comes to me. I suddenly fear I lost my passion and talent to paint. Its scares the HELL out of me.
I found that times like that are simply my mind's way of saying, "hey, I'm tired!"
I've learned that I need something new and different. Some time not thinking about life and all its issues. Just some time to enjoy the here and now. Then suddenly, like an inspiration, I find myself compelled to do something fun and crazy. Then I seem to get right back to being me.
Strange, isn't it?
Damn Sweety, you had me...all of us a bit worried! I am very relieved that it was not a lost love one (pets included). I think you will find that many of us have had our femme side up and leave for some milk and not come back right away. She'll come back, she just needed a vaction for a bit. We all need to go on vaction every once and a while. Maybe she'll come back with some vacation goodies :)
She's still there...you...and the rest of us :gh: love her too much...
Holly who's gone? You know we all love you and will be there for you so please let us know what's happening.:love::love::love::love::love::love::lov e::love::love::love::love:
[SIZE=4]Dearest Holly,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Sometimes we all get a bit lost. For some of us it takes a bit longer to find our way but we always find our way home. We are keeping an eye out for you and will nudge you back into the fold very gently.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]You are one of the stalwarts of this site and I tend to look up to your advice. We are here..[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Your sis,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4]Tami[/SIZE]
Wow am I glad you and your loved ones are all ok. I think Holly will be back, when she is damn good and ready. Remember not to purge all of your Holly stuff no matter how long it takes her to come around.
Holly Dear, Please tell us who's gone. You probably need a supportive shoulder now more than ever, but none of us can give you support without knowing of your grief. Did you lose a loved one to death? If so dear, I can sympathize because I lost my wife a year ago to cancer. you have all the girls on this board concerned for your well being.
Hang in there. Holly will be back! Even Audrey once went away for a year and a half and she's still with me!
-Audrey
Holly, you know how much you are appreciated here and how much we care about you. When you are ready to come back we will be here with open arms. If you need time to sort things out we understand and will be here for you when you return. My best wishes go out to you.
Pending retirement plays strange games with ones mind. It causes feeling of self doubt, worries about what will you do, etc. They pass quickly once the acceptance of retirement sets in and then a whole new world of possibilities opens up. I'm sure she will return as an even stronger person at all levels. Good luck.:love:
Quote:
Originally Posted by janet p
Helps if you read all of the thread...Quote:
Originally Posted by JiFem9ll
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...9&postcount=44
Holly, she'll be back, you're probably stressing about retiring :hugs:
just give it some time. She may just need the space for a bit to think and grapple with her emotions. With what you said about your family she should think about the love you a her have shared and be talking to to you soon. --wendy:hugs:
Holly, don't sweat it dear. You've been here long enough to know it comes and goes! For the last month and a half I was HIM! TOTALLY! Miserable? Yeah. Scared? NO! I knew I would revert back to the real me. The Journey back started last week and here I am. A little better for the experience as well. I feel a little less conflict inside. I believe it was that conflict that set him off. Specifically the situation at work. It looked to me that they weren't happy with the feminized self I was presenting with the long polished nails, light mascara, ect. Nothing was ever said, but the bad vibes were there. I grew all the hair. They love me in a beard! I am getting more things to do.
This is a long strange journey. For me like a roller coaster ride sometimes as I try to balance living who I am in a world that doesn't understand.
Hang in there girlfriend! When HE show up, I originally thought that was it for Lilyfor a long time. Turns out we girls are pretty resiliant and can't be kept down for long! I'm back in the "right" clothing and feel better for it.
Love and xxxx, Lily
We understand what you are going thru, the best advice is just to take care of yourself, talk with your wife and sort thru your feelings about Holly, retirement and the future. We are all praying for you. :battingeyelashes: Kim
Holly, you are the one who gave me this site. If any of us say we haven't felt this way we're lieing to our self. If this what you truely want then so be it and I would still like to be friends with you.:love::love::love:
[SIZE="3"]The break can be a blessing. There are times that I don't feel like dressing. It's good to step back and reassess where we are and where we want to go. Look at it as a sabbatical. Holly may be gone awhile, but she'll be back.
Gennee [/SIZE]
:hugs:
I want to thank everyone who has posted to this thread. I appreciate every one of you. To those of you who took the time to PM and/or call, you'll never know how much those simple acts of kindness meant to me.
I had a long talk with my wife this afternoon. She and I are fine... I want that to be perfectly understood. She is nearly as upset as I am that Holly has "left the building." Holly and HT always have a great time when they go out together.
Let me see if I can clarify what seems to be happening. It feels like part of me died. It's not at all like the desire to dress coming and going... I've been through that a lot and know that feeling well. This is different. It's like a piece of me has gone missing. I almost feel like a foreigner in my own body. It's very frightening because the best parts of me (at least the parts I like the most) have disappeared. Like poof! Gone. I had become so content and happy with who I thought I was and now I'm not that person anymore. I hope this doesn't sound like a bunch of mindless wanderings.
So where's the fairness in learning to love and accept oneself and then having it all snatched away? Could it be stress because of my pending retirement? I'm actually looking forward to it. I have a part-time gig all lined up that will pay me more working two days a week than I make now. The family is happy and healthy so that's not a concern. No stress because of friends so that's not it. So why did it all change so abruptly and so radically? Honestly, I'm at a loss. All I know is that I don't like it this way.
Thanks for listening and for your concern. This is truly a family.
[SIZE="3"]Dearest Holly,
You will always be my big sister!
"To love a person is to learn the song
That is in their heart
And to sing it to them
When they have forgotten"
I will await your return
Love Kelsy:hugs:[/SIZE]
Holly, I am truly sorry for your loss! I can not even imagine what you must feel like. I will say a prayer for you.
Holly, have you been for a medical checkup recently? Maybe something else is going on and that is affecting how you feel. You are certainly in my prayers.
Hugs,
Joni
Dearest, you've never heard directly from me before but I cannot remain silent here without commenting , making observations and adding my:2c:
I too have gone through the circular and seasonal on again off again periods where not only do I not feel like dressing but am literally ashamed and embarrassed for myself of what I am, who I am.
What is this TV-CD crap,? why was I born with it.? I'm in denial and putting it away. Now I know this is not the same situation as you because I read you in a part of you being gone... well as a few people here on this thread know that I've PM'd earlier this summer i felt that Megan was "gone" too, but at my own making.
You see Holly in my case and it could possibly be yours I suffer from depression and was born bi-polar, yes nothing I asked for, or am proud of but neither am I ashamed here to admit it, It is well under control through medication, but I am just now coming out of this "gone missing" disgusted feeling. It has to do with one's mind, at least with me.
You are also about to embark on a major life change, retirement and ones mental attitude can really freak-up your head and cause all things to go haywire.
Talk to a therapist, or your doctor, it could be something as simple as a mild depression or could be more serious. You don't have to delve into CDing to get your point across.
As for me to my few close friends here... I'm outta my summer funk and ready for those old fall feeling Again.
Good luck to you Holly and have a Blessed Day hon'.
:love:
Megan
I second what Joni is saying! Can't hurt. Last November I fell out at a bar-b-q. Next thing you know, I'm on a helicopter heading for emergency surgery!!! For quite some time, "Sheri" has been, in essence, gone -- well, she's there as always, but it has been quite different as I recover. Dressing is way down, although I know I am, as always, part her -- and on here I lurk a lot instead of my previous self of always commenting on everything. This may not be what's happening to you, Holly, but it is worth a checkup with Dr just for your own peace of mind!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonianne
Been there for a little over 5 years.
No matter how well we plan, no matter what we think is going to happen, the advent of change will throw us for a loop. Holly just stepped aside to allow the change to happen, she's waiting for a clearer picture of the future. Once that picture is settled, you watch, Holly will be back more than ever.
Do not fret, Tracy has done the same thing. When change is about to happen, she runs and hides. I can't control that.
Love
It could be the result of a TIA, small stroke, that can only be found with an MRI. TIA's can occur in any part of the brain.
When I had one that I felt in my body, the MRI showed that I've had a couple of others that I never felt.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonianne
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheri 4242
Holly this is sound advice, go get yourself a check up, even if nothing shows thats one less thing to think about, no?Quote:
Originally Posted by DonnaT
Holly, for me personally, you are in an uncharted area. The fact that part of you just left has never happened to me, I have gone through the cycles much the same as most here. I am not here to nag, just not my style, but, seeing your doctor is good advice. Seems to me that you and your dear wife have been going through everything that has been going on in your life and you are coming up empty. A trip to your doctor will help cover areas which you or your wife haven't considered.
You are a special person in my life, I have always looked up to you since I arrived here. Take care Holly, I hope this can be resolved soon. :hugs:
Holly,
I have only been here a short time,but you have always given great advice. Don't worry,she'll be back. Sometimes we need to take a break from things we like to do. Everything will turn out fine. Its great that you have a very supportive wife.
Also,don't worry about the future. Enjoy the present. The future is only the past that hasn't happened yet. Take care and good luck.
Felicity :)
Hello Holly
I've hardly had time to savour the delicious strawberry shortbread you so kindly baked when I announced my arrival on this forum. Your welcome - and your sound advice previously and generously offered - has been gratefully received. I always hoped I'd get to know you better since I hope to be around here for quite a while.
I don't know you anywhere near as well as the other girls on this site who've offered their love and support, but I would like to say that I hope you take the time to do whatever you need to do and what feels right for you. I'm sure it's true what they're saying and you'll soon be bouncing back in saying "she's back!"
Take care and take it easy.
Holly. I can only echo many of the thoughts and sentiments here. We can never tell where life will take us. Knowing how smart Holly is I would bet she's just going to let someone else "test the water" on this next stage of life. When she's satisfied it's safe she'll be back and ready to make up for lost time.
Take good care of yourself and know you are loved here and will be missed.
Hugs
-Paula-