It will never go away. The harder you try to put it in the box the greater the intensity it springs back out. The box is of course Pandora's box and always remember that once it is opened ..............
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It will never go away. The harder you try to put it in the box the greater the intensity it springs back out. The box is of course Pandora's box and always remember that once it is opened ..............
CD/TG anonymous 16
I know our love is strong, and I know you try to be supportive and accepting, but I know it pains you to think that one day the man you fell in love with will not physically be a man anymore.
After I came to terms with myself, I thought about leaving you for a few hours, but I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't just up and leave because of the pain it would have caused both of us, but I was more concerned with the heartbreak it would have caused you. I knew then that I had no choice but to come out to you. I was hoping you would stay in my life, and I really don't know if I could have left you anyways to be me. But I am eternally grateful you did stay with me.
I wish I could tell you my last secret, that I have been bi-curious, but since I have started to see myself as a woman, I realize that I am more attracted to men, and less to women. But don't worry, I am so in love with you that even if I loose all sexual and relationship interest in women, I simply can't bear the thought of being with anyone else. But I know I have put enough of a burden on you, and have dropped a major emotional bomb shell, so I will probably just keep that to myself. You are so precious and I don't want to put you through more than what I already will.
It guilts me knowing that you have a dream of having a husband, kids, and a normal life. I can't give you this, and if there ever was a way that I could live as a man, for you, I would.
i just want to be myself... and accepted for it... not that you need to be all accepting of everything i do.. just dont judge me because i am not exactially what you think you wanted in life... i have feelings too... and they are far stronger than you ever know... while your life isnt easy... neither is mine... i ballance what i need with what everyone else wants and and i have to supress what i really need untill i cant stand it anymore....
some day maybe you can be nice and let me be myself in front of you... and you will find that nikki isnt the end of the world...
That Pandora's box analogy and Nikki's post of being yourself for some reason made it sink in. I am about to come out to my family. My sister over a few bowls of pot, just because well, my siblings and I tend to smoke alot when we discuss anything. And my mom over a game of Dr. Robotnicks Mean Bean Machine. That way I'll have her full attention after a few rounds, which will probably inaverdently turn into a few hours worth of rounds.
In my high schools years, I was the hit of the crowd, shining the brightest and making everyone laugh. Yet at the same time hating that I was, hating the fact I was wearing tight boy shorts and stalkings under my doc martins tucked in combat fatigues and tight tshirt. I hate that I I was so violent that I just fight for the sake of a emotional release. Some of the things I did I really wish I could go back and prevent. Their the darkest days of my life. I was depressed had no real wish to live and was truely just a hallow shell with the mask of a vacant smile. I was a total player and I know I shreaded the hearts of many girls. I tried to end life once, couldn't go through it because of fear, found faith in nordic paganism and turned my life around. Finding faith also helped me accept my "dark secret" of crossing, in the eddas (basicly our bible) thor himself crossdressed to get back his famous hammer. So I thought if the gods could they could accept man kind for crossdressing and even changing sex, several gods had including loki and odin. I've relized there is nothing wrong with us and even if were "counter culture" so bloody what, if others know oh well, if people recognise you when your out en femme so what if they can't accept it and look past it to who you are do they really need to be in your life?
Sorry for being so negative in that post it just seemed right to come out. Please forgive me if any of that said offends any member of the family. Since those days I've become a much more caring person and far more emotionally connceted to everything in my life. Its said that pride will be the death of man kind, yet I see it as ignorance will be the death of man kind. Having pride in something, not shame, will lead to acceptance. Sure the bigots and the ignorant may not agree with it or accept it but that's part of what a human is, we each have our own opinion and view. For some things this causes conflict others causes those to come together, like out family here. Have love in your heart and pride in your spine, fly your colors high, let them shine, if someone doesn't agree and isn't violent in their disagreement the what's it really matter?
Sorry sweets, but when meeting a new woman, she is obviously paying attention to a man she is attracted to. Not the female image we create in the mirror. Depending on the environment of your conversation, how could you hide this (cding) from her. Afterall, if you are hiding this from her, than what is she hiding from you. Honesty upfront is only going to show her what type of man she is going to deal with, in whatever level of companionship the two of you decide upon. We all can't be lucky in first time eyecontact while dolled up. It is absolutely amazing to compliment a woman on her clothes,hair,makeup,etc., when she tells you that she is pleasently surprised that you would notice such a thing. That is then a great icebreaker to clue her in on mutually shared enjoyments. (or disappointments like a run in your hose) Cheers, Dana.
I hope I can one day actually say this to my beloved. She knows I like to cross dress but has issues and most of them are my fault. But here is a part of what I would like for her to know:
K******
You are the love of my life. You showed me what true love is, You showed me I can trust people, You have been understanding with almost every aspect of our lives. You are the ONLY one who knows about my CDing. I pushed it and for that I am more sorry then you will ever know. I acted like a starving man who was suddenly sitting at a feast fit for a king. But then I took advantage of your understanding. I really did not give you time to take it all in and how far my dressing really went and what I truly like. You set up a boundary at first and I just bulldozed that across that line. I am very sorry for this. Living with this "secret" my whole life and never being able to share this with anyone and having to hide in the fear of persecution. Trying so hard to suppress the feelings and at times succeeding for a year at a time they always come back. I understand that you tried to keep an open mind about this and limited me to certain almost unisex items you would not mind me wearing. You don't want to hear or see the maids outfits, bras, stocking garters or even heels I like own or want to wear. I can understand were you are coming from. If I don't understand fully why I want to dress in womans clothing. But what I do know is it makes me feel a certain way, a comfortable, kinda soft person. I am still the man you fell in love with. I will always be. You say you love that I am a very masculine man. Well I still am! But I also have a soft side. I can and am both masculine and soft. You are a extremely feminine woman yet you can be a bit masculine at times too. You already know I have not want to be with men or get any type of sex change. You also know I ONLY want you and do not want to try and find a woman who will blindly accept my want or need to dress up. I want to have a long long life with you. I want to be able to dress as would like when the mood strikes. I understand that you don't want to make love while I am dress either. As you have said you want to make love to me as a man. But clothes should not define the person. No matter what I am wearing I am still a man, even with false breast. When I told you that there is a possibility I may lose my leg, you said that you would still find me sexy. You would not look at me any different then you do now. Losing a leg is permanent, dressing is temporary time. This is confusing for me. I just want to share my softer side with you from time to time. I will just suppress the feelings as I have been and wait for you. I love you that much. I just hope that one day you come to fully accept who I am. I know you may not fully understand it, I am just hoping that you fully accept it and let me be both sides of me.
CD/TG anonymous 17
Where to start...
Literally, ever since birth, my life has been hard. I've nothing but obstacles, roadblocks, and barriers in front of me every day. I have not complained. I refuse to whine. I have used my full strength to break through the obstacles, unearthed the roadblocks, and ran over the barriers. I'm stronger than any one I've met. I have been hearing impaired my whole life. I have damaged lungs, a hole in my heart, an enlarged aorta, crappy blood flow, a bacterial abscess in my brain, and the medical problems will never end. I've been made fun of by every one and any one. I have had very little friends, no relationship with any one. I have had a gun pointed in my face, almost been raped; I have been beaten and broken. But I am still here.
You only just now realized it, but I've been here right by you your whole life. I first appeared 16 years ago. We both know you didn't know it for years after, but I've surfaced every once in a while. When you needed some one to talk to, I was always listening. When you needed some one lean on, I was always there. When I needed protection, you were always there. When I was hurt, you pulled me back up, dusted me off, and said “Let's go.”
Do you remember seven years ago? You were so happy that you got home from school before every one else, and you had the whole house to yourself. That was the first time you went into your sister's room and looked around. You told yourself it was to find your music cd's. But even though you got your cd back, you kept finding yourself in her room. Eventually you got the courage to try on some of her clothes. I remember how excited you were. You danced around for ten whole minutes. We were having so much fun.
Four years ago, you finally met me, and at first, you shoved me off to the side. I was a separate person to you. It made me a little sad, but I stayed there, just in case. Slowly, you let me creep up on you again, and started being nice to me, even giving me a name. Ever since then, it's been a wild adventure. We've met some great people who like both of us, and people who have helped us get to know each other better. We've bought several outfits now and we see each other so very often. It makes me glad.
Just remember, we can always get through anything together. We are never alone now. Any time something bad happens, you can just look at me, and I'll give you a perfect smile, whether you want to see it just now or not. I'll always be listening and talking to you, just like you always protect me and fight for me.
From you, to you.
I would not wish this (being a cross dresser) up on my worst enemy! Not even the guy that stole my wife away from me.
I wished to Almighty God that I wasn't one?
But I know that it would only be matter of time before I was in her lingerie, makeup, and jewelry.
The Hell of itr is that women, gays, bisexuals don't like it! So if your TG?
Your pretty much screwed!
Trouble is?
I'm not into guys~ although I am very much into femnity and being feminine!
I'm up to guys in making me feeling feminine? Buts thats it! I don't want to have sex with them ~ I'm alll about flirtring and being girly ~ but that's it!
Bascially I should have been born a lip stick lesbian!
But I was born a male instead!
At 52? I'm learing this! At 53 I'm learing this!Quote:
Originally Posted by tricia_uktv
Darling, I promise to never entirely give up crossdressing. I know how much you love it when I wear frilly petticoats and suspenders and I want you to know that I love it just as much as you do. Even if I sometimes say no and you have to force me, that is just because I'm playing hard to dress up.
I know your fear is that I will drop you for another man but I think you realize by now that I have no homosexual tendencies at all and that you're safe from that happening ever.
As you know, everyday life requires me to have some manly characteristics but they are only learned and put on for the purpose of getting by in society. Underneath it I will always remain the delicate, feminine creature that you fell in love with.
Thank you for existing.
Honey, I am so happy that you accept my cross-dressing. It shows me that our love is so amazing. I love you. I love you. I love you!
First of all you are special. You are not a freak. God made you the way you are, you are not a mistake. Focus on loving yourself. You don't need to apologize to anyone for being who you are. Be upfront and honest soon after the first date, don't carry on the relationship without sharing. It's better to know up front how the other person feels that to try to be someone you know you cannot be. Love Yourself
When I was in my late teens my father caught me dressed up, I just couldn't talk to him about it and made some feeble excuse. He was of a different gebneration and just wouldn't have understood. He died a few months after and it eats away at me wondering if I contributed to his early death. I wish I could have talked to him and it makes me sad still.
I did tell my wife after we were married a few years and at first it was great, she was helping me shopping for new clothes, shoes and make up. She would join in but then turned her nose up at my activities. If faced with the same choice now I think I would stay in the closet and take my chances at being found out.
I would like to say to her though that I still love you after all these years and my dressing up has no reflection on you as a woman.
I can post this and show my name, no one knows it but my girlfriend and she is extremely supportive of me. I have a story to tell, and although she knows most of it, I have never put it all down like this before.
When I was about 12 years old I discovered the joys of playing with the little guy that hangs between my legs. Not long after that I discovered I like to try on my mother’s pantyhose and sometimes lingerie while I played with him. I was "caught" a couple times but never actually caught in the act so to speak, and no comments were ever made. I kept this hidden for years. Then one day around the time I was 18 I met a girl, an amazing and accepting girl. After some months together out of the blue one day she looked at me with this kind of grin on her face and said "I wonder what my panties would look like on you...?" So I jumped at the chance and said "let’s find out!" Over the following months we explored this and it became fun to go shopping together for clothes. Unfortunately it wasn't to be. Whether we were too young to cope with our feelings for each other, too immature, or simply too much in love, we split up very badly and didn't speak for 13 years.
A few months later I met the woman I would marry. After a few months I came forward with my desire to wear woman's lingerie once in a while during sex. She told me it was "fine" and although it didn't turn her on she didn't mind it. Over the years I tried to keep it to a bare minimum, only once in a while, not push it too much and hid it as much as I could without lying about it. Finally one night as we sat in my parent's hot tub, (after a good amount of alcohol) I confessed to her how much I really enjoyed and wanted to go farther into wearing woman's clothes. Again she said she was "OK" with it, it didn't "bother" her. So over the next few years I gradually tried to explore this part of my life. Things went OK for a while but eventually started to fall apart. She became less and less physical with me, distanced herself from me, and ended up having an affair(s?) and finally leaving me. (We have 2 young children, and are now in a bitter fight for access to the kids) As part of her statement to the court she brought out my "unusual fetish" how I hid it "under lock and key" for years. Along with other such statements to try to publicly humiliate me. After years of saying it was OK, it was fine, it didn't bother her, it now became the focal point in her reason to leave me. Well to her now I say GOOD RIDDANCE. My only regret is that there is so much fighting over the kids. I am so much happier now.
Which brings me to the present; about a year after my wife left and after a VERY bad rebound relationship, I met my girlfriend from the beginning of the story. We started talking, a lot. Curiosity kept building. She was in a divorce same as I was. I remember one night she asked me "so are you still into "that"?" She was always very accepting of this so I said yes I am. Well over the next few weeks we kept talking more and more until we finally got together one night, and the rest they say, is history. She is very supportive of me, in every way, in both my fight for my kids and my crossdressing. In fact last night she did my makeup for me, something I have never done before, and was helping me to pick out a wig, another first.
I have come a long way since I started, and I think I still have further to go, but I know with her by my side the journey will be an enjoyable one!
I would like to say that I have been on a journey of self discovery. I started with a bra and has continued to the point that I feel that the male persona is now when I am cross dressing, not when I am Karin. I am still learning about the butterfly that I am becoming. This is not anyones fault it is the way I have been "wired". To be able to accept me as I have accepted my self is what I ask.
If you think it is hard for you to accept me, just imagine how it was for me the person going through the confusion, anxiety , trama.
I Just want to say that I have never in my entire life read such BEAUTIFUL words from women/men to each other. The first time i read the threads, the words...I cried and cried! So wonderfully expressed...the happy and the sad. Thank you all...you have helped me to see that love does come in many different ways, shapes, colors and forms!! I wish you all the best in your relationships and in everything that you do. You deserve it!
So much pain in these posts. I find myself crying, wishing I could put my arms around you all and hug away the loneliness.
Thankyou for sharing your stories, for offering insight to those of us who are here to understand.
I don't see you as "less of a man" at all, quite the opposite. And you're all very very brave!
*big hugs*
Dani
I know the definition of a truism – I have lived it. I am female. This is not about a male with a psychological issue it is about a female with a physical issue. There is food for thought. There is an old expression that sums it up best, ‘walk a mile in my shoes before you judge me’.
I have come to the conclusion late in life that I have to either embrace this part of me or go insane.
Wow very interesting posts i must say way to much to read though! at oncee sorry i just don't like to read to much! But wow i always thought there was something deeply wrong with me when i used to crossdress. Heh hell i think i'll try go back to doing in once in awhile hell i might even try it in public sometime just to freak someone out if nothing else! But i do think it's quite interesting the only people that typically compliment a girl on her way of dressing like 90% of the time are your typical oldschool type gay males crossdressers or not. The rest are just trying to hit on women, but werid one time i decided not to compliment a 30's year old black woman on her nails because i thought someone she would instantly know i wanted to wear the same color hahah XD. I still want to wear that color/pattern even though i cant even remeber what it was. YOU ALL ARE ****ING AWESOME! even if people may not find you attractive or whatever.... YOU HAVE TO BE WHO U WANT TO BE! PERIOD! The only shame is in being A ASSHOLE!
To my one true love:
You are and always will be the love of my life. I can't tell you enough how sorry I am that I kept this secret from you for all these years. I only hope and pray that you can understand and find it in your heart to forgive me for that. I want you to understand that under the pretty clothes, nail polish, mini skirts, sundresses, panties, bras, etc., I am and always will be your MAN. Dressing makes me feel complete. I have tried to stop, and it has only left me unhappy and depressed. While wearing satin panties, a soft nighty, or silk camisole; I feel totally at ease and relaxed like all the tension and stress life has to offer simply drifts away on a satin cloud. I have no interest in being with a man, or any other woman. I have no desire to alter my body to become less of a man. You are the one for me...now more than ever. These past few weeks I feel like I have been "re-born". Your understanding means everything to me. Being able to share my feminine side with you has opened my heart to you like never before. I want you, need you, and desire you more than I ever have. I know it is sometimes difficult for you, but you are trying to understand and that's what counts. I could not have asked for a better wife! You are my whole world and I love you more than you can imagine. Thank you so much for allowing me to be myself, and for helping me to find my "butterflies"!
I actually started to dress fully when I was around thirteen. I would put on my sister's clothes when she stayed over at her friend's house. That was quite often so I was dressed alot as my dad went to bed around 9pm and my mom had left. She had a shoulder length fall and our hair is the same color. With my bangs I looked like her somewhat and I started to put on her makeup. I had a slender body with legs and feet like a girl. When she would catch me she told me I was a queer and that her panties and hose were her private under things.
When I was around 18 I would go to the place at the county building and pick out clothes that were there for people who wanted them. I had to start buying my panties but I sometimes found a bra and pantyhose. I tried several times to quit and would do so for a few months and usually threw out my clothes.
When I got married it was only about 3 weeks before I told my wife I like to role play and be the girl. She dressed me to the nines and did my makeup and hair (which was shoulder length). She liked it and a few weeks later I confessed I CD'd. She was ok with it but never helped to fix up again. When we had children she said I wasn't to do it in front of them.
Now that we are divorced and the kids are grown, I dress alot more. I even dressed for a funtion a work once as a gag but they wanted us to wear something nice and not be clownish. My daughters were still in high school and they helped me pick out my clothes and acessories. They took a picture of me and the other guy who did it too. My ex wife still has a copy.
Just recently I started to go out dressed and I love it. I know its a part of me and I like doing it. I hope to get out with some of the girls in my area and have a girls night out where we can discuss it and trade tips.
Billie Jean
I would say: "Society, please just let me be me. Don't laugh, don't stare, don't hate me. Please, just leave me alone."
Isn't it ironic, that women can wear whatever they please no stigma, no guilt, they walk into a shop and buy mens clothes no questions asked..
Isn't it ironic, that if all clothing were unisex, the 'labels' and a lot of guilt would cease to be..
Isn't it ironic, that most women I talk to think the world would have less wars, be a better place if women were in charge, yet dislike men showing a feminine side..
Isn't it ironic, that at conception we all start as female..
Isn't it ironic, that I 'tollerate' you love for chickflicks, yet always cry more than you while watching..
Isn't it ironic, that you are bi, that you love my tender (fem) side, yet I fear you will hate my outward expression of it..
Isn't it ironic, that I love you to bits, accept you for who you are and accept your need to be with another woman should it happen, I know it does not diminish your love for me... Can you say the same babe? Can you let me 'be with' the other woman in our lives?! (me)
Isn't it ironic, that it's not about being female, no sex change planned, no lust for men, simply it balances my yin/yang.. the more my yin can blossom, the less my yang resorts to negative macho habits and I can be a true man!
Isn't it ironic, that yin (female) referes to the shady side of a mountain.. (always knew GG's were hiding something from us) :heehee:
Isn't it ironic, that I will tell you soon, and after all the shite we have recently gone through(and survived) something so innocent and minor will probably undo us..
I..
Something so innocent wont split us up "Iskandra" its just going to take me a little while to work it all out, I love you and that will never change :) xQuote:
Originally Posted by Iskandra
[end quote]Quote:
Originally Posted by Di
If I had known at 10, or 12, or 15, or even 20 what I know at 55, I would have demanded a sex change then. I stayed in the closet (actually between the mattresses) even though my parents found out that I was TG when I was 5. I wanted to be a girl so bad. I didn't have testacles, so I already had a head start. I didn't even know that girls had different "equipment" until I was 5 1/2 years old and my mom was changing my baby sister's diapers.
I so loved playing Barbie dolls with the girls next store and across the street. It was only natural that after trading barbie clothes for several months, that trading real clothes with each other might be fun. I loved it. But when her mom caught me in her daughter's dress, and told me to get back into my clothes, go home, and never come back, and told all the other girls not to ever play with me again, I was so lonely.
Had I known that I would be a virgin from the waist down until I was 21, that I would be too short to satisfy a woman with "that", that I would spend 9 years in a platonic marriage, that my wife would have an affair, leave me to marry her lover, and insist that I pay extra child support and day-care to supplement his disability and her worker's comp, while they got 6 college degrees between them, and still ended up working for minimum wage jobs, and that I would be refused visitation, would have to move 2,000 miles away to be able to afford the child support, live in rented rooms for 10 years, while the wife and kids lived in their 5 bedroom house, that I would spend thousands of dollars on air-fare and hotels to see the kids, only to find out that my former wife and her husband have made other plans for the kids for the entire week, but they could fit me in for a 2 hour supervised visit. That I wouldn't stop paying support until AFTER my daughter was married (to a soldier boy), that I'd have a stroke, and that I would miss my son's wedding, my mother's death, and my grandson's birth.
Yes, if I could send a message back to my 10, 15, or 20 year old self - I would tell myself that come hell or high water, I should do whatever it takes to get that change.
Oh yes, and that Leadership program that insisted that I burn all of Debbie's wardrobe - don't even put it in storage.
And that 15 year long long-distance relationship with the girl who "accepted" my dressing, but couldn't accept that I wanted to live where there would be others like me and support groups and support systems - get out quick.
When my father was dying, and knew he was dying - about 2 months ago, his one wish for me was "If I gave you nothing else, I gave you the ability to be yourself". Yet he was the parent who could not accept Debbie.
Today, I'm out to live life as fully as I can with whatever time I have left.