If it were today and I was seriously involved yes I'd have to but then I recently just discovered this forum and have accepted who I am.
If it were today and I was seriously involved yes I'd have to but then I recently just discovered this forum and have accepted who I am.
If I could go back in time, I am not sure what I would do. If I was standing in the same spot as I was 20 years ago, and knew what the future would bring. I would have to swear her to secrecy, then I would tell her. Maybe things would be better now. I sure do have alot of thought on this, Maybe some other time, I will completely spill my guts.
I'm Nlenro-nu2 I don't actually have a parter but once I started to propose to who I thought was a female. I couldn't go through with the charrade of male appearance when I'm female in spirit. So I walked a way. This person put a harassment suit against me. How was I suppose to know who I thought female was a cder? I should've told " Nancy" about my crossdressing. I bet Nancy is just a handle for the crossdressing just like Nlenro-nu is my handle for Crossdressing! I only mentioned the name
cause I want the person to know and understand that I never ment to hurt anyone.. I tried to not hurt. Well if I ever propose to someone again I will tell the person that I'm a cder. Secrets can hurt
I agree with you cause one of my Sisters dropped her to be husband because she thought he was cheating on her finding female clothes that wasn't hers. Afterwards my sister did investigating and found out that her boy friend that she dumped was merely a crossdresser not a cheater. She told me if she had known he was just a cder then he would still be with her. It was too late when she found out because her would've been husband married someone else. She knows about my crossdressing and doesn't have any issue with it as far as I know.
Knowing what I know now, there is absolutely no question that I would have told her relatively early into our relationship. Of course, I had the luxury of knowing that she had no fundamental moral objection to CDing generally - the only question was would she be accepting of ME as a crossdresser. And in our case the jury's still out there...
I suppose the best way to get an honest answer to that question is to imagine that, for whatever reason, you magically found yourself without a SO right now and were going to resume dating from scratch. (This is an idea that, applied to me, should cause the entire female population of Earth to shudder in horror.) I would be sure that, within a couple weeks of my stammering out "I love you", she knew the full story.
Erica
For my two cents worth, I made sure that my girlfriend (now spouse of ten years) knew about me and my femme side before things got too serious. I knew that I loved her, but I had to be sure that she knew about both sides of me! Thanks goodness she did and she accepted Jeannie too. :love:
Hi Susan,
I was just made aware that this old thread had been resurected. Sorry to have been late replying ....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Susan
Well I have not taken a former poll. :D
But...if you want 'my personal thoughts:
I think that there is a 50/50 split. I find if a woman has worked through the tough issues and has wound up in a good headspace and also has a very accomodating husband who gives her space and time and educational material and also let's her absorb it without becoming a kid in a candy store then most of those women say they still would have married the guy.
The other half I find are dealing with men who have continually pushed up the ante' anytime one level of acceptance is reached before she is ready...or the guys have self destructive behavior ....or the women have moral/religious objections and for those women that is when I have heard they might have chosen to find a different partner.
But really...what is wrong with wanting to find a a parnter who meets one's personal expections and criteria. I wanted to date and marry a guy who was a crossdresser. Does that mean that I was unfair to "non-crossdressing" guys? Well I guess you could say I was tg-profiling for a partner who met my personal expections and criteria. I wanted a guy who enjoyed doing this, I did nto want a guy who had to be convinved of being into this...much like people have to convicne their spouses that they want them to participate or 'enjoy' this stuff.
I also extend that same thought that if a woman does not want to be with a guy who is a crossdresser I kind of feel she has I right to also make a fully informed decision.
Like I said, in my original post, I do feel that for alot of people the time factor has to be ackowledged, because easy access to info like this was jsut not as available as it is right now.....but on the other hand....how many post every week in here trying to quit or give it up because they met a new lady and want to stop being a cder.....makes me think that the availability of info has nothing to do with the need to conceal and deny one's true self. Which is sad, because you haev two people then losing out on knowing the whole person....
anyway....not sure that is the reply you were looking for...but my .02 worth of thought.
Lawren told me, while we were talking on the phone...after many other conversations. I said it once before, I'll say it again. There are far, far worse quirks in a soul that can happen than merely cross dressing.
After you've survived seven years of one of those twisted souls....you get a distinct appreciation for what really counts.
Don't assume you'll be rejected. You don't know, and for most folks; honesty is priceless.
If I had known as a teen what I know now, I probably would not have pursued a relationship with anybody. If I had met my wife and fell in love with her, I would have told her so she could make a better decision whether she wanted to deal with it. I was quite shy growing up and sometimes I wonder how I even got up enough nerve to even talk with a woman much less, marry her.
I do feel that if I had been more knowledgeable and the state of medicine were as it is today that I would have pursued transtion at an early age. I don't really feel that at 50+ years old, there would be much point in transition for me now. I have had to deal with two genders in a male body for too long to change now. I am too set in my life to change a lot.
You might think I don't love my wife much but I really do and I don't regret our life together at all. I do often feel guilty waiting for so long to tell her about Sharon (30+ years). I never liked lying to her and something I had hoped would be a small matter and easy to get rid of turned out to be who I really am - a combination of male and female.
And so Marge, if you ever read this, I love you and you will have me as I am now for as long as you want me!
Sharifemme
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathy gg
Kathy:
Tell me this, when is the best time to tell? When you first meet a woman who you are attracted to and believe is attracted to you, or once your relationship is established and your getting serious?
I realize that you would be accepting from the get go, but most women would immediately sever any thoughts of starting a relationship with a cd. It would be a suprise to any woman who had already gone a mile or 2 in a relationship with a cd, but at least she would know him better and perhaps be more accepting of his dressing.
I can tell you from my personal experience that telling a person up front is a sure way of not even giving it a chance.
What are your thoughts Kathy? Should I tell them at the start and go through 900 women till I meet one that is accepting from the start or should I get to a point in the relationship that I care about her very much and would hate to lose her over this and then put it all on the line?
Hmmm... after re-reading this it kinda has a tone of putting you on the spot, which is not my intention at all. I am wondering what you really think the best way to approach this is. You know I love you Kathy, and I have already contacted your doctor and paid him a great deal of money to send me a sample of your dna, as I a have a diabolical plan to clone you.:D
I would have started hormones and blockers sooner to end up with thicker hair and slightly smaller bicepts.
Charlie
I did tell my wife before we were married that I had tried crossdressing when I was young. This was a way of testing her open mindedness, meaning, putting the situation in the past. She really appreciated the fact I was telling her something I had never told anyone else. However, when she asked, "But you don't do this anymore, do you?" The way she said it made me quickly answer, "No". That answer I have always regretted. If I could go back to that moment with everything I know now I would change my answer to "Yes" and dealt with the consequences. I'm quite sure that we would never have married. After that I have no idea in what direction my life would have gone. Hopefully I would have survived the sex, drugs and rock n roll I was into at the time and learned to accept myself for who I really was. A bisexual crossdresser with a very good probability of transitioning.
Marrying me did pull me out of the lifestyle, and we have two great children. Before the children I tried telling her again about my crossdressing and she got quite upset. It's been buried ever since. I do everything I can for my family and do my best to be a proper father and husband on the outside. Inside and privately I'm a different person. It's not good.
So if I could go back to that time I would have told her the complete truth and I would not be married now. At least not to a woman and I do not mean that in any negative way.
Admitting this is not easy because I can't go back and do what I should have. Instead I lied and continue to lie.
Bonnie
Well Kathy,
I read your question and was ready to give an answer when a realization came to me. First, the answer, yes I would of course tell her about the dressing, she has a right to know, she needs to know.
But then it hit me, it's not the dressing that's so much an issue than it is the right of every person to be themselves. We, CD's need to realize that dressing is just what it is, dressing. We (some of us) need to stop treating it like a shameful habit or abnormality. When we tell our friends and especially friends in a new relationship, we need to have the confidence in ourselves to treat it for what it is. And that is an extension of our natural selves. A harmless extension and in theory nothing really worth fussing over. Crossdressing is simply a form of expression of who we are. We dress because we feel comfortable this way and it expresses a side of our personality, no different than a biker puts on a pair of chaps and a leather jacket.
The reason why we tell others is a consequence of society's prejudices. Society, not us fears the unfamiliar. We tell them because experience has taught us that society needs to be forwarned or else it may rebel against us. If you think about it, it's no different than my biker comparison.Not that long ago society had it's doubts about men wearing leather jackets, chaps, the boots and the helmets riding Harley's. They were no doubt up to something malicious and should be avoided. Well, that has changed. Now adays it is not uncommon to find doctors, lawyers, stock brockers, retired school teachers and the list goes on sporting these items and riding Harley's. And no one cares, in fact they appreciate the desire for these individuals to express another side of their personality.
We, crossdressers, are really no different. While it may take society a little longer to accept crossdressing as nothing more than a form of expression, we need to stop feeling like we need to explain it. Yes, to those closest to us, telling them about crossdressing is more about educating them and letting them know the whole of us but it is not a foreclosure brought out of need to be allowed to dress or to somehow be accepted for being different. Does a doctor who wishes to ride his Harley on the weekend, or to work ask for permission? Does he feel the need to explain his desire to ride? Should he?
Unfortunately, crossdressing is a little more taboo than riding a motorcycle but if you break it down, they are both really the same, an expression of ourselves, something we appreciate and like to do. Something which hurts no one. Something you can have fun with.
I hope I didn't loose everyone, I almost lost myself on this one.
It just bothers me when I read some of the posts on the forum in which the author feels bad about themselves for dressing or feels shame. And because of this they feel the need to ask to be accepted, to ask to dress. It shouldn't be like this, we are all human beings, no one has the right to tell any other person what they should or should not do. OK, within reason, obviously breaking the law or doing harm onto others is assumed here.
Well, I need to get back to work. Thank you for listening.
Julia
of course you tell ........its the right thing to do if the roles were reversed i would want to know .......if someone was terminal cancer i would want to know .............hiv positve...........all things of great singnifence.......you just have to share with your partner..........just the timing of telling is the only real option
Gee...on the spot? maybe a little! haha:D
Ya know, I don't have the answer to that question. But the answer in the end is it shoudl come out sometime before walking down the aisle.
And I agree, one should not tell on a first date. I do think as we get to know a potential partner some things seem as obvoius as the nose on my face while others things are bits and pieces we let fall out over time.
I also think one has to almost 'quiz' a partner. As I just wrote about in another section on the forum, there is a great book out there called "1000 quetsions to ask before you marry" and it is a really good book for people who are almost "blinded" by love.
I am always amazed when I read other non crossdressing forums and couples have problems because they dont' agree on abortion issues, or religion, or monogomany, or vegatarianism....I mean yes opposites do atract and some difference does keep a relationship exciting....but out and out disagreements about some of live's tough questions have to be talked about.
When I married the first time around (and I was not nearly as in tune as I am now) ....I did know I did not want to marry a guy who was a homophobe/bigot/or racist...and I lived in Texas where finding someone without one of those hangups was a bit of a challenge....
But I think people who are madly/deeply/ in love sometimes just don't sit back and look at the big picture. Plus telling does not have to be 'outright' telling. Sometimes fishing or asking leading quetsions or telling a story about a 'friend' will do wonders for guaging a reaction.
I mean I go through this everytime I have made a new gg friend who is not in our community. I mention movies, talk about wanting to go to a drag show, ask a few round-about quetsions....if I get back lots of negatives I basically back away from that person as a potential close friend. I do that for protection and also becuase really, I just dont' want people who are that close minded in my life. So far so good, all my gg friends who are not in the community have been nothing but supportive, cool, and have gone beyond the call of duty as a friend.
I would think a similiar approach might work while dating .....
hugs
me
ps.....clone me eh? well just make my clone fatter than me so I look like the skinny one!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennaie
Kathy:
I will always picture you as the skinny one if that is what you want. Personally, I'm not really into skinny women, but I will feed your clone well and we will both be happy.:cheeky:
Thanks for your opinion on this. I tend to agree.
I would do it all over again, makiing better choices this time round. I am not in a relationship,don't trust them....I have been dressing since 13 off and on again and again. I am out now..and finally happy to stay that way.
If I weren't married,and knowing the resources that are available online I would make sure that the gg I met would accept me right from the get-go,rather than doing what I did,which was meet a girl,fall in love and then tell her about this side of me and hope for the best.When I did break the news to her,I let her see me in hose and heels and she told me I could keep them,but didn't want to see me in them.Much as I loved her at that point(and still do
),I almost wish she had left me rather than take the apathetic view she did.Now,unless she eventually leaves me,the only support I have is this forum,and possibly a support group I'm looking into,which I may have trouble finding time to attend. So my advice to anyone who might be contemplating getting involved in a serious relationship would be to make sure up front that she will support you from the start.
I told my wife (fiancee at the time) before we were married.
I don't think either of us could have moved forward if there were any secrets between us.
It was quite scary because you are exposing a part of yourself that no one else knows...and the thought of rejection was crushing.
My wife understands that my desire to CD is a part of me, and it is not going away. While she is not completely accepting of it, she does allow me time to dress and for that I am quite thankful.
I could not imagine waiting until later (after being married) to tell her.
Christy
I would have told my ex back then 21 yrs ago knowing what I know now. I would not have been divorced and have two kids that live on the other side of the country that I have only seen twice in the last 2 yrs.
I have told potential gf's when I first started dating and most of them have run for the woods screaming when told of my proclivity to CD. I think it is good to weed them out early. My last gf was very supportive and encouraged my CD'g and it was worth waiting for her, unfortunately we broke up 6 months ago.
I foolishly believed that once I got married I would just be able to quit wearing women's clothes. Didn't work for me! I am at the point in my life where I would rather be able to CD and be single then to be in a relationship and have to suppress my crossdressing behaviour.
Kathy, for me this is a no brainer. First, I would never have married, I would have disappeared into a larg(er) gender friendly city.
Dont get the wrong impression here. I have 2 wonderful adult children whom I absolutely adore and in that I have no regrets. However, the personal price paid for this has been very, very high.
Anyway, under the circumstances of the day, and armed with the current knowledge I have, I would have disclosed very very early. Having done so would have ended the relationship then and there instead of defraying the painful circumstances of today that could still end it.
Regardless, marriage has been a wonderful institution and I loved being institutionalized. I am just not sure it can survive.
Kimberley.
I kind of waffle between 'never getting married' and 'not changing a thing'. Let me explain:
Never getting married might have allowed me to work things out sooner and possibly live a lifestyle more closely to how I feel. However, might & possibly are not much to go on. I really can not picture who, what or where I'd be had I not gotten married - had I lived a different life. I cannot know that I would have had a better, happier or easier time of things. The only thing I know it that it would have been different.
I told my wife about myself before we got married - to the extent that I understood myself. She was accepting and we had some fun with it. Then, I found out that I really didn't know myself as well as I though. While not as big a surprise as her not knowing anything, the results were quite 'stressfull' nonetheless.
We don't have fun with any aspect of this anymore. I think she views it as a necessary evil at this point. She said many times that she probablly made a mistake and really has no business being married to someone like me. Most of the time, though, she tells me she loves me.
Such is my balancing act. :wall:
But to the question: to go back and do it differently... Probably not.
To know what I do now, but to not have lived it... Sometimes one must experience a thing – to live it – for it to be real and to have meaning. I am my life – my experiences: to change that would be to change who I am and as I said, I cannot know that it would be a change for the better.
It's a moot point really as here and now is my reality and all of the 'what if' questioning will not change that.
Love and Stuff,
Donna
If I had known in my teens what I know now I would have dressed more early in life and would have definitley told my wife about my CD'ing before we married. I believe she would have been OK with it then and we could have had so much fun we missed out on.
Like a George Baily moment from It's a Wonderful Life.Quote:
Originally Posted by kathy gg
By the time I met Brenda in 1977, I knew I was TS. With not a lot of good or bad reaction, I had told my previous girlfriend that I thought I wanted to be a woman. I felt quite stupid about it all. With Brenda, I was more cautious, but let out bits of information. I honestly didn't believe that I could ever do anything but keep my feelings private. And just as love is blind, for me, the GID mostly became a distant second to my love for Brenda for long time. Even until just recently, I thought I had told her, but she just always thought I was a bit kinky.
If I knew then my life with her could have been this happy for all these years, instead of waiting 27 years, I would have most definitely have told her sooner. Sorry Baby!
Tori
A world with no secrets.
I'd love that world.
And yes, if I knew then what I know now,
My world would be more like that world.
Here's to being ourselves
Always
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathy gg
hmmm
I love my wife. She is my very best friend and a wonderful person. But, if I could back knowing what I know now, I would not have dragged her into my problems without her knowledge. This was not her idea of being married. lol. She's a good soul and doesn't make me feel bad about it, but I know what she had in mind about being married . . . .we're best friends!
I can't possibly imagine I would get married, knowing what I know now. I would have set her free and started transitoning. Kind of a no-brainer for me. I don't like to complicate things. KISS. (Keep It Simple Stupid)
That said, I am so glad I met her and married her, as my life was. As a male, I can't imagine marrying anyone else. She is awesome! Maybe even a role model for me.