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I read a post this am that discussed a CD explaining that she felt that she was two personalities, one male, one female and that she enjoyed both! I am very much the same way. I love being a husband, father and grandfather! I also love my female side which really comes out when I dress. I find when in female mode I am more sensitive and more relaxed. Perhaps I am bi-gender?
I dress when the mood strikes me. Sometimes everyday and sometimes once a week, just depends. I have no desire to change my sexual being, I am not gay and have been married to a very understanding wife for 38 years. She knows about my dressing and I can dress around her and she also goes shopping with me. Why I dress, I do not know it is just a part of me and has been there for many years. I have tried to stop many times and when I do I am just not me. I hope that this helps.
Yes, it seems that way.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMuffet
At least three responses to this thread have suggested that you need to set boundaries. I disagree. You and your boyfriend should discuss and come to an agreement on the boundaries, conditions, rules, limitations, allowances......etc......... of his crossdressing activities. And neither of you should agree to any terms that you can't keep. If your level of tolerance/acceptance is less than his need for fulfilling his crossdressing desires, now is the time to find that out.
You are not in the wrong place! This is a good place to learn more about crossdressing.
There are a wide variety of people on this site. There is no "one size fits all" way to categorize these people. Many who crossdress only do it on occassion. Others do it nearly every day. Some only wear certain articles of clothing. Some never leave "the closet" while others go out in public reguarily. There are also members who consider themselves to be
"trans"; ie, want to be full-time women with or without SRS.
Everyone is unique.
Hello Miss Muffet
Thank you for investigating MtoF crossdressing, rather than heading for the hills.
Your BF told you about his crossdressing firstly to build trust, and secondly to allow you to make a decision about this being a dealbreaker. Sadly, for some women, it is. Only you can make that decision.
About searching out information on the 'net:
You can safely ignore the porn which your searches have turned up. It doesn't represent the vast majority of us.
You can also safely ignore any hate and intolerance sites. Their only purpose is depersonalising us and pushing us underground, afraid to show our face. That said, there are those who would do us harm. Fortunately, they are few in number, but one does have to be careful about the part of town where we go out, if that is what your BF wants to do.
As for worries about sexual orientation, most of us are heterosexual. Some are gay or bi. The chances of your BF being gay or bi is the same as any male.
For my part, crossdressing is an escape. Someone mentioned post-traumatic stress disorder; this fits me as well. I have no interest in permanent modifications by surgery or hormones other than a hole or two in each of my earlobes. Further, I have no interest in going out dressed as a woman.
I agree with NicoleScott's post above.
Your BF was probably born this way. Very few of us are able to give up crossdressing without ill effects. Some become unduly aggressive, and some health effects have been observed.
And lastly, I encourage to to get your ten posts in to qualify for admission to the FAB section. There is rather high security there for a reason: a few CD comedians who thought it would be a good idea to infiltrate the genuine ladies discussion area. They didn't last long when they were discovered.
Welcome. As you can already see, you'll get a wide variety of opinions on this site. I am a happily married, middle-age crossdresser. We've been married for 11 years, and I came out to my wife almost 10 years ago. At times it has been difficult for both of us, but we love each other and have found a way to make it work. I don't want to be a woman and typically only dress once or twice a month. We have agreed on boundaries that she is comfortable with and which allow me to fulfill my need to crossdress. The most important thing is to always communicate. I wish both of you a long and happy relationship.
Good response---transgendered folks here range from 100% heterosexual crossdressers who only want to dress on an occasional basis or just for the sexual excitment of it to pre and post op transexuals who are looking for or have accomplished a full gender transition and from those who are fully straight to those who are exclusively gay---I guess now would be the time to talk to your bf about where he falls in that spectrum---and whatever you find out and decide to do in your relationship, don't think that you can "change" him so he won't have the desire to cross dress---the couples I know that have tried that have ended up very unhappy.Quote:
Originally Posted by NicoleScott
Hi Miss Muffet, and welcome to the forum. I think if you give it enough time (on this forum that is), you'll find that the great majority of members are straight, married and quite normal in every other way. Yes, for some dressing it a fetish, for others it's part of their being. But those who have transitioned or are considering transition, are indeed in the minority.
Speaking for myself, I dress for the pure pleasure it gives me emulating the feminine form. I'm not gay, have no intention of ever becoming a woman, but have been dressing in one form or another since my mid teens. I am now a senior citizen with adult children, grandchildren, a small business, and a part time job. I have done many of the manly things expected of most males but I still enjoy my femme time whenever and wherever I can.
I hope you'll give this forum a chance and perhaps clear up some of the confusion you are now battling. Again, welcome.
I am a crossdresser very much like Rader! I am older, being 80, and I have been a crossdresser since I was 6 years old. But I have never wanted to be a female! I just like to wear female clothes! My late wife knew that I was a crossdresser before we married and it was her idea the we wear matching white silk lingerie to our wedding. We had a happy almost 50 years together before cancer took her!! My wife was the one who did my makeup and fixed my wig so that I could go out in public looking like a real female!! But she and I knew that I was always her man, no matter what I had on!!
This forum has all types of crossdressers on it, as well as lots of real females (GG's=Genetic Girls). Yes there are some CD's who really want to be a female, and there are some who live as a female even though they have never had the surgery to become one. As I said, there are all types on this forum. I think you will learn to enjoy it, and you will gain a lot of knowledge if you continue to read the posts!
CROSSDRESSING IS A CHAMPION THING TO DO!!! it is actually brilliant... there is an revolutionaryness to it.. it is fantastic but is very difficult to explain.. pull up a chair..
Hi miss muffet
I am new to this site too. I've read and read and as a cd ,that dosent really know where the hell I'm at, I'm learning a lot about myself. These ladies are great with a lot of wisdom to share. And I agree that he is so lucky to have you. Your trying to understand and not rejecting him. And thats great. Their are others that aren't as fortunate to have someone to share this wonderful side of life. Talk to him and I'm sure it'll be ok. Good luck and have fun!
First let me say how great I think it is for you to explore this. And not pass judgement that shows me you must really care for your so. Next I am a married cd I don't do it all the time but do feel more comfortable. In femm ESP in the bedroom. Your are in the right place just keep posting and reading you'll see that there is a wide selection of people here. Check out the forum for spouses and so's bye for now
Thank you all so much for responding! I'm blown away actually. I imagined maybe one or two comments telling me to go away, I'm ignorant, so this was a great surprise.
Anyway, can't say I'm still not confused. Lol. I haven't drunk or cried this much in a long while. I feel a little sad about the whole thing. My boyfriend is the first decent man I've met in a long while and I finally thought I'd met HIM! You know, the one. And he is perfect for me. I'm in my early thirties and he's almost fifty, successful, masculine (or so I thought!) and he actually listens to me! For once I'm not just a trophy or someone to have around when convenient. But then he told me about the crossdressing during a night of too much alcohol because he never told his ex wife and that ended horribly. He doesn't want to do that again. I'm not sure if the crossdressing wrecked the marriage or the fact he didn't tell her until three kids later? Guess it doesn't matter.
I do worry about the comments suggesting he might do this all the time? I would rather live with a man occasionally dressing as a woman than a full time thing. I can't help it. I love the way he looks in jeans and tee shirt and when he's shirtless dressing before work. I love his short hair. I even love his smell after he's had a work out. I would miss these things incredibly if he decided to dress all the time. I think it would be too much to live without.
So, do you think you could learn to live without the fulltime thing if you put your mind to it? Or am I showing ignorance again? It's hard for me to understand why you can't just not do this. I sort of understand the basic sexual, even comfort urge, but I'm struggling with why you would need to do it all the time. I had a boyfriend many years ago who was obsessed with a type of music that he listened to, wrote and talked about all day long. That relationship didn't last very long because I couldn't handle his single-mindedness. I need someone who won't obsess like this again. Some of you did say you were occasional dressers even after many years so I assume this is possible?
It's funny, but I'm feeling less scared of the dressing now and more scared of the future! I'm also thinking something very strange that no one mentioned so I wonder if I'm the weird one here. Lol. Everyone was quick to say he's probably not gay, so why do I suddenly think that maybe I am?!!!
Okay and I don't really mean I think I'm gay. I just feel like this makes me less heterosexual, if that makes sense? Which I know I'm not because I'm only attracted to men, usually fairly masculine men, yet my current man wears dresses and a blonde wig!
See? Confused!!
And yes, I'm trying to get my ten posts!! :)
Crossdressing is one and only element ~ facet on your boyfriends persona ~ personality. Like anyone man or women? We each and everyone have a mosaic and many facets of who we are as individuals and people. Generally this is a combination of our on individual innateess and human beings. Its part nature and part nuture. Its part of who we were born, and what happens to us over the course of our lifetime ~ our experiences, who our parents were, our family dynamics, childhood and adult friends, our experiences in, with and through life.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMuffet
We're all uniqune and individualistic ~ never in the course of the history of mankind has there ever been anyoune like him, like yourself, nor myself for that matter. And never in the course of the history of human history will their ever be anyone like us ever again. Even if human cloning permited ~ our clones would not be the complete and absolute mirrors of ourselves as they wouldn't have had the exact same experiences we have had over the course of our lives, nor hence once they came forth.
With that said, you will find that there is a mosaic of different kinds of crossdressers ~ and different levels. They are distrubuted across a wid bell curve..................... Some are comfortable with only dressing occassionally or even once in a great while. Others are comfortable with simply wearing panties, or some other single item. At the other end of the spectrum there are those that wish, want, need, desire to dress to "the nines"
For others its evolutionary, in that what may have once been a single item(s) once in a great while to fluctuations from one extreme (purging) to other extremes.
IMHO (And that's all it is ~ my opinion) your BF has an obligation and responsiblity to you to meet and fullfil your wants and needs. To do otherwise would be selfish, self-centered, and narcisstic. What those wants and needs are? Are for you to clearly state and spell out. Its obvious that he's stated and want, need, desire to cross dress (And for many of us? It very much a bit of all three ~ that we can't explain to oursleves let alone to anyone else.)
I think that before addressing HIS need to cross dress that you and he need to work on laying the cornerstone and foundation of your relationship. And this may necessitate both of you "re-training" your brain as it has been conditioned to view issues through the focus of cultural and societial lenses.
I would recommend that both of you read "GenderSpeak a book about the different communication styles that men and women have. On the same subject? There is "You Just Don't Understand" These books are about the different communication styles between men and women.
And insightful subject on the whole breath of the differences between men and women (And by the way covers "transgenderism" is the August 2012 editon of Scientific American. There is also the Febuary 2006 editon of National Geographic about "Love The Chemical Reaction" and the latest science has to offer about what Love is (on bio-chemical analysis with brain scans and such ~ The brain scans of men and women who are "in love" are almost idenitical to those of people of suffer from OCD ~ Obessive Compusive Disorder)
Going hand in hand with this is the book "Brain Sex which deals the full spectrum of bio-chemicals pre-natal, that form to make us who we are. It goes on to describe that sexual idenity and sexual attraction ~ preference are two totally and completely different things that are located in different regions of the brain. It explains why there are indeed homosexuals, bisexual, heterosexuals, asexuals, inner-sex, hermaphadites, transvestives, transexuals etc. Why an otherwide completely masculine male may have any of the above sexual orientaion ~ attraction.
There is also the book "Why Men Don't Have A Clue And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes and Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex And Women Don't Get Enough Love which delves into anthropological ~ evolutionary ~ cultural ~ societial influences as to why your "stereoypical" male or female are the way they are. Are I should what our pop culture, society, media defines as "normal" Another book that I would recommend is [U]"Gender Shock"[U]
But rather than [B]YOU] focusing, concentrating, even dare I say obsessing about his crossdressing that the two of you concentrate and focus on the fundametals of your relationship, laying a good and solid foundation for your relationship! Building an open and honest dialog, communication, openess, trusthfulness, honesty. Toward that end I would recommend "Light Her Fire" for him and "Light His Fire" for you. I would also recommend "Light Your Fire" for both of you as individuals. You can get these in paperbook, but there are also CD audios as well.
Going hand in hand with being a crossdresser, is guilt and anxiety especially if it was a significant factor in a previous relatoinship's demise. Crossdressers are prone to both, and most of us have to at the very least muddle through both at sometime or the other. Toward this end, I would recommend the audio program from the MidWestern Center titled "Attacking Anxiety and Depression"
Finding someone who loves and cares about you ~ I mean REALLY loves and cares about you? Is hard ~ all day hard. It sounds as though that both of you do. His being a crossdresser need not be a deal breaker, and if handled properly and viewed from the right perspective and approached from the proper can actually be relationship enhancer. Its hard enough for your so called "average ~ normal man" to find some as I've described. For a heterosexual crossdresser to finding someone who is at least willing to just open-minded enough to explore and look into the mere possibility of a relationship? Wow!
In so far as his dressing full-time, 24/7? Or obessing about it? Believe it or not? Your the one that's in the pilot's seat on that one. I think I can speak for most of crossdressers here that we wouldn't jepordize for love nor money someone such as yourself who was merely tolerant of the simple fact that we are crossdressers. Most of us are just looking for someone such as yourself who is willing to just tolerate the fact ~ let alone acceptance! Let alone complete acceptance! Participation? Yea right! Maybe after a thousand lifetimes together. (Just my personal persepective, opinon and experience)
I think he would be more than grateful at this time with the knowledge that your just "open" to the "possiblity of the possibilty" of simple tolerance ~ (Just too much to ask for acceptance this early in the game). I think that at this point in the game the two of you need to shelve temporaly (while keeping an open dialog on the subject) the subject of his crossdressing. I would acknowledge his "need" to crossdress (and it is very, very much a need for most of us) but also express your "needs" as a woman, an individual, a person. Some of those needs are establishing your own personal bounderies and limitations with this. You need time to educated ~ re-educated ~ re-train your brain ~ wrap your head around just the whole concept of the subject! And to do that you need time. Maybe just a little ~ maybe a lot. Your both are going to have to learn how to crawl with this before you can learn to walk, let alone run.
The key essential work here is PATIENCE ~ more so on his part than just yours. I think I speak for everyone here when I cannot stress to him ~ DON'T SCREW THIS UP!
Personally I'm going through this with my finance. She knows I'm transgendered ~ a heterosexual crossdresser. Would I forever more give up crossdressing if it came down to it for her, ~ for US! You bet you. But here's the kick in the head! Even if I never crossdress again ~ (And I'm not currently "active" in that relam of my life ~ because I'm focusing on her and our relatonship) I would still be a crossdresser.
But now again you just have to take one for the team. My own personal view is that there are three "entities" in our relationship. Her, myself, and "Us" ~ it is for the presevation of "Us" that I would forever more never crossdress again! (OK are at least curtail and reduce it to its most basic and simplest form to the absolute best of my ability)
Finlly in clossing your not gay! Don't even go there ~ at thrity-something? You would know by now.
I really don't see where any of that has changed. He obviously can and does fit the order, you've just discovered a different side of his persona. Tha he's with great trepedation, hesitation, reservation has shared with you. Most heterosexual crossdressers (about 90% of any and all crossdressers) are very masculine in their day-to-day lives.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMuffet
The dressing can grow and escalate over time - happens to many CDs - but if he is in his 50s then chances are that he has already found his happy balance. Less risk of his urges to grow more.
I'm 41 and happily married for 16 years. I know I've found my balance as a limited part time dresser and I'm ok with that. So is my wife. I know my would would prefer it if I stopped dressing but we have found our happy balance in life.
I have a theory that CDs who are accepted by their SO and who are not on the road to full female transition, make very good, kind, caring husbands.
Dive in and be happy.
Don't let out the secret There are only so many few of us to go around!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jill Devine
You need not worry about labels Hon. The important thing is caring about someone else and being cared for. That is the most beautiful thing. The fact is you do care as you are trying to learn about this and what makes us "tick". It can be a variety of reasons because none of us are exactly the same. I've more or less done this all of my life and have been in touch with my feminine feelings. I was a husband and a father and enjoyed it all. In the end, however, it was more than dressing that made my marriage unworkable.
For myself, it has more or less become an art form, something I like to do and have fun with as I love dancing when I'm able to all night at the local LGBT club.If, however, I do find the person for me I could put it on the back burner but only because I control it and not vice versa. Many cannot do that and in order to do that it takes really knowing yourself and being able to control your own destiny. I'm glad you found a nice person. The best thing I can recommend is the two of you talk, talk and talk about this, so you understand where you both are coming from, your needs and desires. Let us know how things go.:)
Mis M, it's not really putting your mind to it that stops most of us from dressing fulltime, uusally its lack of desire to do it all the time in the first place. Just using me as an example, it's been months since I've even wanted to dress "to the 9's," I could have if I wanted but there are so many other things I like doing. And most on the CD end of this spectrum (as opposed to the true transexuals who don't feel right as men) still want to do guy things most of the time. Based strictly on what you've said, I don't think you have much to worry about on that end.
Hope this helps! Thanks again for asking the questions, glad to see you're interested in answers. :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMuffet
I'm in my mid thirties and my BF is in his early fifties also!Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMuffet
I'm surprised that you still get the impression that CDs want to "do it all the time" most never leave the closet and if they do its to venture out to a mall or some CD event and certainly not full time. Anyway if a "CD" wants to dress "full time", there is like a 99% chance they aren't a CD. They are more likely transsexual, like me, which involves a whole lot more than just playing dress up!
obviously you will have to find what your limitations are and express them to your BF. If you don't want to see him dressed tell him! but give him the space to do it because CDing doesn't go away.
Why would you ask someone you love to go without? Tell him your limits and if he loves you he will respect that but give him the same in return.
I think you are WAY over thinking this! You are not gay, he is not gay, hes just a dude that likes to do something that you have never heard of before but is actually a lot more common than people think.
Good luck to you and your BF If he is really that great of a guy I think you owe it to yourself to give him a chance. If he pushes you beyond your limits you can always kick him to the curb later!
April
Life is full of contradictions, MissM. It sounds as though your BF is fairly masculine when he's in male mode, right? It doesn't make you gay (not that there is anything wrong with that) if you remain attracted to him when he's wearing a blond wig and a dress. It just means your attracted to his entireity as a human being. My guess is that the same is true for him, that he's attracted to you regardless of how you happen to be dressed at the moment. That seems like a good thing in a relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissMuffet
Think about the positive you've mentioned regarding this guy...the way he looks, the fact that he listens to you, and the fact that he cared and trusted you enough to tell you something most CDrs are deathly frightened of revealing to anyone. He took that risk...to avoid the problem he had in his earlier relationship. Would you agree that this is commendable and speaks well of him as a potential partner?
The worries you have mentioned are so common. Rather than fret about it, just ask him. Based on experience he'll tell you honestly. While he probably can't guarantee the future, by his age, he's probably got a pretty good sense of who he is and where he wants his life to go.
Hi Miss Muffet,
I'm a GG and my SO is a member here too. He told me after nearly 30 years of marriage and when you come into the FAB forum (I hope you will) you will be able to read more about my story and others if you want to.
First of all, let me say that I felt very much like you when I first joined here - it seemed that virtually all the CD'ers were full time, and if they werent, then they wanted to be. I did panic a bit because I though "oh no, I cant cope if he wants to wear a dress 24/7" and I started imagining our life together was going to be very different. In actual fact, nothing could be further from the truth. I can honestly say that now, some 9 months down the line, nothing had changed for the worse, I feel we have actually gotten closer.
My hubby only dresses occasionally, sometimes once a month, sometimes once a week - but I am sure its not going to go further - he never wants to go out dressed and there are many on here with very similar aspirations.
Your boyfriend sounds very honest and the fact that he has told you about his CD'ing would indicate that he trusts you and wants the relationship to be long term. So, my suggestion would be, be honest with him. Tell him your worries, your feelings, your comfort levels etc. and see what he has to say - but really, from what you've said so far, it does sound as though he knows where he's at and isnt going to suddenly start dressing up every night and living 24/7 as a woman.
As for you feeling not so heterosexual - its really not about your sexuality or attractiveness being in question - even if you were Miss World, it wouldnt make an ounce of difference - CD'ing is about how the person sees themself and feels about themselves, not about how sexy/glamorous/feminine their partner is. Just because the guy you are in a relationship with occasionally likes to dress as a woman, it doesnt mean you're not a 100% normal woman. I would add however that I did have a little bit of this feeling myself when my husband first 'came out' to me but I'm over that now.
Talk, talk, talk - and then talk some more -
There are so many "shades of grey" out here, Miss M....everyone of us has been conditioned by genetics, experience, desires, needs, etc...and all of us arent necessarily gay either. In my own case, being raised in a maternal family with 14 aunts, without my father's constant presence, I learned and was taught to be femme...yet, I have no interest in being with a male (sexually). I discovered fetish dressing when in Amsterdam, Holland so many years ago (courtesy of the military)...and so enjoy the erotic/exotic look...and strive to be that type. I've been married twice too (didn't kill either one) and both are deceased....enjoyed only the second as the first was mentally ill, and suicidal...and fought to live only after being diagnosed with spinal cancer...so, it takes ALL KINDS! So tho
I might have wanted to be a woman, life is not kind to us "others"...and I have eventually learned to function in male drab...
It was very hard for me to tell my wife that I crossdress. I told her before we were married as I did not want to keep anything hidden from her. I was afraid if I did not tell her and she found out she would be hurt and wonder what else I had kept hidden.
She also had trouble accepting it. Over the years she has come to accept it and encourage it at times. She will purchase items for me and offer suggestions. She also released that she fell in love with the total me and the cross-dressing was part of it. It makes me who I am as a person.
The crossdressing community suffers form a public relations problem and in a way that can be related to political ads. You hear all the negative. You do not hear about the heterosexual crossdressers who want to spend time with their wife/girlfriend.
I have been dressing forty five years and do not consider it a fetish.
I have no desire to transition or dress full time. My dressing varies by the season. Less in the summer more in the winter. Sometimes it is just for an evening, on my days off or once or twice a year for five days.
When I dress I want to emulate women as much as I can. I try to dress, act and be feminine. Except for small changes I have no desire to change my body. In the winter I will shave my body.
While everyone is different level of crossdressing the big thing to remember is that you are not alone, your boyfriend shared with you something very personal and just to communicate.