In Response to ~Joanne~'s Thread--"Are You a True CD"?
In response to ~Joanne~'s thread--"Are You a True CD"?
Joanne, thanks for bringing these issues to light. I've been participating in the forum for 5 months so far. I joined because I like wearing women's clothes, and came to terms with that personally after coming out to my wife. I knew there were many more men like me, based on research over the years, and wanted to find kindred spirits. Like most newbies, I found the site simply by searching for "crossdressers". Notably, I didn't search for "transsexuals".
Based on a cursory scan of the posts, I figured I was in the right place, and determined this was the most popular site on the web. But I quickly found labels getting beaten to death ad nauseum here, which I admit turned me off.
Like you I need to get something off my hairy chest. I was very, very surprised by the extent of transsexual and transgender topics, and by the "competitiveness" on the boards. Understanding fully there is a spectrum of CD to TG/TS with many personal nuances and all the other possible acronyms, I have been surprised at the "oneupmanship" ("oneupwomanship"?) that occurs here. I have seen many posts from members that are brave enough to go out in public, or even to work dressed, who assume this is the goal of all members--like it is some sort of badge of honor--and with a slight derisive tone to boot for those of us that don't. It is admirable to have that kind of conviction and commitment, and I appreciate the hard work those members do to change societal gender norms, but let's be honest: the vast majority of us won't be able to show up for work anytime soon in a skirt suit and stilettos without major professional and personal repercussions. This is not directed to those TS members that fully transition and get on with their lives as women, and revisit the forum to provide inspiration or guidance--but those that are so loud and proud, that they make all of us who are not, feel sometimes that we are somehow missing out or inadequate.
I'm sure we have all looked at the forum stats. The vast majority of forum readers haven't even made the leap to post or participate actively…only about 25%, Why is that? Privacy concerns, embarrassment, denial, shame, or maybe they are just CD curious/admirers? Those that actually join or post are a small sub-set of the "true" crossdressers in the world, I suspect. Do the vocal participating members on this forum represent the silent majority? I doubt it. And because crossdressing is so intensely personal and private for most…with the sensual and erotic elements further driving people into the closet or behind closed doors--public posts on this forum cannot accurately represent the CD community at large.
My point is that of the active members, there is a core group that is heavily vested in this forum--a still smaller sub-set of all crossdressers, and some have very strong opinions. Some are what I like to call "activist"; after all, the convert is the biggest zealot, for reasons of self-affirmation. I myself have succumbed to that urge on this very forum--"look at me, my wife is accepting, I'm so lucky, so don't give up trying to convince your SO". In retrospect those postings were arrogant--what do I anonymously know about your circumstances?
Those forum veterans that have self-actualized are quite proud and make us acutely aware of our failings or lack of CD commitment. Many members on the TG or Transitioned end of the spectrum are fond of telling us that all CDs are just TGs in training; we just don't know it or accept it yet. They lecture us on how our behavior with our spouses will lead inevitably to divorce proceedings, how natural and normal it is for a father to dress like a woman in front of his children, and how sales associates in women's clothing and shoe departments (or fellow shoppers) are all supposed to act as though it is completely routine and accepted for a man dressed as a woman to use women's dressing rooms, browse through women's lingerie, or try on women's shoes in stores. Yes, all good boundary stretching initiatives and I do respect their chutzpah, but to assume all CDs are cowards for not doing so--and that society at large is wrong for not endorsing this--sometimes smacks to me of self-delusion.
They are the terminology police and relationship experts, and will quickly make sure you know just how wrong or less than authentic you are. They'll demand you smile or show your face in photos, or to compose them better with optimal lighting and professional backdrops. They'll endlessly debate labels while posting transsexual or transgender topics in a thread called "Male to Female Crossdressing" in a forum entitled "Crossdressers.com". They will then viciously attack a mere CD who dares to post something even remotely non-TS-PC in the TS forum within.
On the other hand, there are wonderful members who always have a positive, welcoming tone to their notes. Non-judgmental, without prickly sensitive radar scanning for the slightest slights.
To answer your question, am I a "true" CD? Based on this forum, who knows. It's how I have chosen to refer to my compulsion / enjoyable hobby to my wife, so I suppose "yes". I'm a guy who loves his wife and kids, but also likes to dress in women's clothes and will work to improve a feminine illusion over the coming years. I'll try to do so without alienating my spouse, children or employer, or making anyone else uncomfortable.
Maybe naively I thought that a forum named "crossdressers.com" was primarily about wearing clothing of the opposite gender--mostly on a temporary basis. I love posts about skirts, dresses, hose, heels, wigs, makeup, corsets, etc. I understand how there are reserved threads because this has become a de facto portal for far more than crossdressers, based on the global popularity of the site. These "superficial" topics are of little interest for those on the far end of the spectrum. There appears to be a great deal of bleed-through, however, and sometimes it just gets so heavy. Maybe some acknowledgement of original intent, a bit more levity and enjoyment, and less snarky comments are in order. The newbie who is still reveling in the first leg shave, or the first pair of heels, deserves the same respect and engagement as someone living full time, for whom wearing hose or heels has by now become a jaded and dreaded pain--as many GGs view it.
I'm glad you stirred the pot, Joanne. That's what makes a forum interesting. And that ends my accusatory, holier than though post, making me as guilty as anyone I just indicted with mine.
Thanks for your contribution
Shibumi
