Self loathing

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Originally Posted by Rachel52

When I say to my wife or my therapist that I don't have any friends, it isn't because I want sympathy. I'm saying it as a matter of fact. Friendships require vulnerability and I can't let anybody get close to me so I don't let anybody in. My guard is always up and I am constantly in self protect mode. This all feels so hopeless and depressing and my point isn't to try and drag everyone down, because it definitely is not. My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The truth is that this sucks and it's hard and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could. But I can't, so onward I march towards another day of hiding and solitude. Thanks again for your time reading my thoughts and responding to them.

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I can relate to this too well.

I've accepted myself as a cross dresser... It still feels a little weird when the realization crosses my mind, but I no longer feel any shame. Despite this I am deeply, deeply closeted and don't have any plans to change this.

Though in the past I've had, and still have to a degree, severe problems with self loathing and suicidal episodes. I blame this mostly on an already weak structure being put through a terrible childhood. This was never related to cross dressing, however. I can't say how I cope(d) now that I think about it... I just kind of run through life on auto pilot.

I too am alone, I've been alone my whole life. I've been alone since I was raised by a single mother who worked all the time and the time she was there was fights more often than not. I was alone in early school years due to stigma in a small town after nasty divorce of my parents, I was alone in later school because I was broken from my early school experience and problems at home. I've never had a real friend in my life, and I've had so many people in my life take advantage of my kindness. I let someone in close to me for the first time a couple years ago, I let them close and invested emotionally into them deeply... They turned right around and dumped me in the trash as soon as they were done with me after years.

I have no friends, I've disowned the majority of my family. I have no one.

I have not one friend on this earth right now.

At least you have a supporting wife.

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Originally Posted by Wildaboutheels

Your bad attitude is showing. Clearly a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since your last posting almost 15 months ago.

If you are willing to share what has transpired, there are possibly people here [who have already worked through something similar] who might be able to offer encouragement or share advice.

Then it's totally up to you to READ or take any advice offered.

Good Grief, you are only 38!

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Why are you always such an ass to people?
This poor person is stuck, trapped probably depressed and you choose to say that?
Have a word with yourself :Angry3:

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Originally Posted by Rachel52

I don't think self loathing is a choice, it's an involuntary reflex. It protects me from making decisions that would humiliate myself.

I appreciate the responses from everyone. Often I get so discouraged, and the Trans-sorority 'You-go-Girl!' drumbeat just feels old and tired. Sometimes I need to hear that I'm not the only one on this forum that feels like this isn't all rainbows and lollipops. I almost hate to admit it, but I have a supportive wife who wants me feel comfortable with this and I can't. I know that a supportive spouse is the cross dressing winning lottery ticket, but the truth is that I'm ashamed to be seen by her like that. She has seen me dressed a thousand times and I am still embarrassed when she sees me. I feel so alone with this. This is solitary confinement. I get so bored sitting on the couch all day when I dress, watching television, having the same conversations in the same chat room. But I can't leave the house lest I subject myself to the torment of the world that sets it's sights on the giant man in a dress. So I sit on the couch with the shades drawn so my neighbors don't accidentally catch a glimpse of my 'authentic self'. It's a brick wall I smash up against every time I feel good enough to dress and it leads me to the same place every time. I feel good when I dress but I can't leave the house so I'm bored out of my mind.

I go to therapy and I go to a Transgender support group and I never feel better about any of this. I can't even dress when I go to the support group. I am even too embarrassed to be seen by a room full of trans women. When I say to my wife or my therapist that I don't have any friends, it isn't because I want sympathy. I'm saying it as a matter of fact. Friendships require vulnerability and I can't let anybody get close to me so I don't let anybody in. My guard is always up and I am constantly in self protect mode. This all feels so hopeless and depressing and my point isn't to try and drag everyone down, because it definitely is not. My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The truth is that this sucks and it's hard and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could. But I can't, so onward I march towards another day of hiding and solitude. Thanks again for your time reading my thoughts and responding to them.

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Rach, it's like you're typing what's in my head and you're freaking me out with it. LOL
I've not visited support groups though, I find my judgement and personal decision making is skewed when I try to assimilate myself with a group that I rarely have anything in common with other than the need to get girly.

The truth is there ARE two sides to this, but for whatever reason, your brightside has been darkened.
You should take stock and remember - you have a supportive wife, where would you be without her knowledge of this side of you? Probably chasing every spare 45 minute window to throw on some undies, a dress and a wig.
You have the support of your peers, yeah, ok, we're not friends in the sense of emotional vulnerability, but we care.
I found things improved for me vastly when I told an old old friend of many years (we grew up on the same street) and having her know, accept and actually LIKE me as Samantha means almost as much as a tolerant/supportive SO.
It sounds like you need reminding that there are people in your life who love you for who you are, including the part they dont know about because, ultimately, that part they don't know about goes a long way to making you the person who you are.

On a serious note, I am concerned you may be falling/have fallen into a depression here.
It might be good to speak to your GP and just ask them to do a quick mini-mental exam on you just to see your state of mind.
Feelings of hopelessness don't vanish by themselves, you need to re-establish your worth and keep moving, standing still gets you no-where

Feel free to PM me if you want a chat
Take care
Sam
xx

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildaboutheels

Your bad attitude is showing. Clearly a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since your last posting almost 15 months ago.

If you are willing to share what has transpired, there are possibly people here [who have already worked through something similar] who might be able to offer encouragement or share advice.

Then it's totally up to you to READ or take any advice offered.

Good Grief, you are only 38!

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This has got to be the single most DESTRUCTIVE comment I have come across on this forum .

closing this because it is getting to be a flaming war.