What is it that you really are afraid of?

It's been many, many years since the last time that I went out presenting as femaie. And while I doubt that I was even close to passing, the only possible negative verbal reaction that I noticed was from a couple of teen girls. However, for the last 18 months or so, since I started exercising, I exercise in comfortable, stretchy, close fitting activewear, now including a sports bra and ladies sneakers, at one of my customer's gym facility. On the way home from there, I often run errands and stop at places like Lowes, the drug store or supermarket. I'm sure that I've received more than my fair share of double takes, turned heads, etc., but no one has ever said anything to me or made me feel uncomfortable. Also, I always wear yoga pants or ladies shorts when relaxing at home. While my underwear is all feminine, I still wear male shirts, pants and shoes because that is the work uniform that is expected. Why? Like a few others who have posted on this thread, I'm self-employed and while many of my customers hire me for my broad range of network expertise and at least one of them has Trans friendly policies, I don't want to risk upsetting the financial apple cart. After all, I have a mortgage, college tuition and other bills to pay. My wife's biggest fears? I believe they are embarrassment, financial ruin and that I may be gay or want to transition. Since I've been contemplating aspects of the latter to quell my apparent dysphoria, I'm afraid of losing the companionship of my life partner and my adult child.

My apologies for rambling, but this really helped me to think about some things that I'm avoiding.

I will usually go wherever I want to go.....but since the election and by seeing some of the behavior of people towards others since, I am just a bit more cautious about my surroundings, still go where I want, there is just a higher level of alertness.

Sometimes, I just have to go by my "gut feelings". I sometimes get bad vibes, and sometimes my radar, is all clear, and clear sailing. Alcohol, can push some who are slightly hostile, to very hostile..and alcohol can be the factor, that pushes unstable men,.t act in loud shouts of hate, or even violence, whether to a CD, o r anyone, they "have a problem with." So far, i have avoided places where guys are under the influence. At a Dekalb Illinois municipal band outdoor concert, last year, a man and two women sat down to the left of me, on the bleachers. I was feeling calm, and confident, and spoke some words to them. The man, and one woman were friendly, nice, but the woman closest to me, suddenly changed her face. I said a few more friendly words about the band, and she moved further away from me. No big deal. i just accepted it, and enjoyed the concert. They left shortly after that, though. I felt good, that for the first time at the concerts, i had the kahonies to speak, to the normals. At six foot ten in high heels, and wig, huge hands, huge feet, and male jutting chin, voice, and Adam's apple, and maale brow, i can fool foks form a distance, but almost never close up. So, i am always a bit nervous, and cautious, before , and during outings, especially around teens, and alcohol.

Nothing will ever change unless we change them. That is true in almost every example throughout time by those viewed as outside the norm by society. While I certainly feel a part of the broader community here, I live my life, I do what I do, all on my own. It's my life and after almost 50 years of struggle and self-loathing, I am going to live it. I could find a million excuses not to venture out and that would be 100% my loss. Hopefully I blaze a very small trail for a sister to follow. If not, the fact remains that it is my life, dressing makes me happy on a level I never knew existed and I will continue to live my life wearing whatever I feel most comfortable in. This past weekend, it was a 3 day growth, shorts and t-shirts and/or running clothes and quality time with my wife and daughter. Thursday, I have a lovely maxi dress all set and my toe nails already painted to match my accessories, day one of a four day Kandi run. The cliche is so very true, we only get one of these lives, so we better make the most of it. I know I'll be smiling all weekend!

My greatest fear is that at some point I give in totally to Stephanie and loose my life to transitioning. I JUST COULD NEVER LIVE LONG WITHOUT MY FAMILY. That's what keeps me on track.

Since I'm planning to take the leap soon I have just taking in the advice on here. Making eye contact, ambulate like you have a purpose--I'm so afraid I'm going to skulk about like a cat burgler looking for a way into a house..lol..but we'll see...

Skulking is never a good thing to do.It makes you look guilty of doing something.
I'll make eye contact and smile most of the time and converse with the people around me if they are friendly.
Last week I spent some time at a local park reading a book and had one lady come up and ask if she could share the other end of the bench and I said sure go right ahead.
She had a cute little dog with her so we talked about dogs in general.
At some point she had to figure out I was not a GG but she never let on so I guess I did ok.

We can't fairly criticize anyone worried about their relationships- because relationships are what sustain us. It is very difficult to live without them!

Then there is the fact that our relationships are almost never with whole people- just with parts of people. I have to understand that my wife is in relationship with the part of me she likes and wants to be in relationship with, and she is not available to be in relationship with the other parts of me. From my side, parts of her are not easy to be in relationship with either, although I am not antagonistic to them.

My volunteer and church relationships are not focused on gender, and I am taking my time before making it an issue. Yes, my identity is not clearly presented to them, but...do I know much about them that is personal? Are they making their various special personal issues an issue? No.

We do live in a society, and we all have to make compromises of various kinds to keep the overall social machinery from bogging down in responding to individual cases that challenge the way the community fabric is woven. Fearing being discovered by too many people is a reasonable fear of creating disintegrative chaos in the web that we live in.

That said, how to expand acceptance for my version of gender is constantly on my mind. I am able to be more relaxed and philosophical only because I have many small outlets. I can go out to the anonymous big city, and take my chances on encountering people I know, rehearsing my story. "I am doing a social art project- Life as a costume party!" It worked at my mother's retirement home.

I am reaching out to folks in the local genderqueer meetups to see if anyone shares my level of peace about this and wants to go out to the museums, etc. So a good portion of my relief is in light still at the end of the tunnel- but that works to get me by another day. I let my genderfluid/crossdressed self be more visible a tiny bit each day to new people or places, and I feel progress.

I want to thank everyone on this thread for your comments.
It has opened my eyes even more.
but my biggest fear is my wife she knows I dress but she sure as hell
doesn't like it.

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Originally Posted by Leslie Mary S

I hear you Nic.
I too was living in that type of community but because of things that happened I had to move.
Good luck on your adventures.

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Thank-you Leslie Mary. I hope it doesn't come to that!
My wife has been reasonably supportive of my limited CDing so far, but i am afraid that alienating her family or having to move to a different area would lead to her being far less tolerant about it!

Your new avatar photo' is terrific by the way :)

What an outstanding thread! My wife's fears are much greater than any I may have. She is afraid someone we know will see me and recognize me, she is afraid for my safety, she is afraid of what people will think of her being married to a CD, and afraid that I will like going out so much that I want to go full time. I used to have a lot of fears but since fully accepting myself and my recent first outing which was wonderful my fears have left the room. I have another outing planned in two weeks and will continue to have more. To accommodate her, I have them away from where we live which greatly reduces the odds of seeing someone we know. My first and subsequent outings was and will be helped so much by all the great advice and sharing of your experiences. Be confident, walk tall, act as if you belong, smile, make direct eye contact, be proud of who I am, and other bits of wisdom helped so much. Hopefully one day my wife's fears will subside and the two of us can go out together!

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Originally Posted by sometimes_miss

So, since YOU never had a problem, fear of it isn't justified. Right. One person's experience. Got it.

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Never had a problem? Never further from the truth. I can only to well remember my early years when the thought of going out scared the hell out of me. Many baby steps later I've reach the position were going out while not totally without trepidation now doesn't hold the same fears as it did in times past. I recently posted about how I had a few days away 24 enfemme staying on a caravan park. Leaving the caravan was one of the most scary things I've ever done. Given I was going to take a train, get on a bus, hit the shops, get lunch all as Helen opening that door and taking the 3-4 steps to the car should have been a breeze. Not so. It took me some time to rationalise my feelings. To tell myself that this was utterly illogical and to JDI. So deep breath, out the door and on with the day which, BTW, meant I interacted with many folk and all were respectful and pleasant. Nothing bad happened, far from it. And this is the point. The fear I felt to me was real, I accept that. However it was illogical. I created scenarios in my mind of bad things that were going to happen, non of which did. Our fantasies can be our own worse enemies. Fiction prevails over truth.

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Originally Posted by Jodie_Lynn

Helen, I was a police officer with the NYPD for 10 years, I have seen the effects of random violence first hand. And a lot of it because of stupid trivial altercations. Just as an aside, I left the Job because we had a newborn daughter and my wife was worried about her being left fatherless due to some asshat with a gun. I took a nice safe office job....In the World Trade Center.

I am very happy to hear that violent acts & behaviors don't form part of your experience, may you never have to. But to tell someone that their fear of such a danger is unfounded, is a little condescending.

When I spoke of my fears, I didn't mean to imply that they were crippling, nor preventing me from doing what I choose; however, they are factors that I am cognizant of when I dress and go out. The same way I am aware of the dangers of driving - aware of them, alert for trouble, but still driving.

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If I appear condescending it's certainly not my intention. It is true however that we construct within our imaginations a whole host of scenarios of events that negatively impact upon our desires. As a police officer I'm sure you did come across many awful events. I can watch my any number of fly on the wall cop programs on TV were unpleasant people inflict their bad behavior on others. The truth on my situation is that I don't experience these things. The truth is the vast majority of us don't. We live calm peaceful lawful lives.

I was in the garden today which we plant up to benefit the pollinating insects, bees, butterfly's. How many people do you know who will flap their arms like they're trying to fly under their own power at the sight of a bee or a wasp? I love to observe their (bees) behavior up close. Bees are buzzing around my head and you know what? I can't remember the last time I got stung. It was probably as a child, 50 years ago. And before someone mentions anaphylactic shock I accept for a few the risk is real and potentially life threatening. For the vast majority of us however it isn't. So given the low chance of being stung why do so many people react so and in truth increase the chance of a slightly painful encounter? We're supposed to be intelligent sentient beings so lets act like it.

By coincidence there was a post by Paula_16 https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...he-Inspiration in which she wrote;

A few weeks ago, I had to drive 6-7 hours to a meeting. I changed to Paula at a rest stop, went to the Women's RR. I felt so comfortable, I couldn't believe it. Stopped for gas, went inside, Women's RR again. No second looks, just me being me. At lunch, decided to be really brave and went inside at Wendy's. The young girl taking my order complimented my bracelet, and, after taking my name for the order called me Paula. No one gave me a second glance. A grandma and teen came in and sat facing me. I thought they would look and whisper, but nothing. The Wendy's server said, "bye, Paula" when I left.

Driving as Paula just felt so comfortable.

Coming back, I drove dressed. I was stopping at a hotel after 5 hours. Could I check in dressed as I have read about some of you doing? I arrived. I was too tired of driving to change now. I went in, gave the young girl my credit card and ID. She was so nice. Treated me as Paula. We even chatted a bit about the weather. I've never felt so good. I went to dinner at Applebees. A family with preteen girls sat facing me. I thought that would bring the pointing and whispering, but, again, nothing. I couldn't believe how well it went.

I never would have done this without reading about some of you doing the same things. So, thanks to all.

And for me this is the point. Time and time again people post of the good events in their lives. Those of us who have made that step into the outside world simply seek to share our good experiences. It's not that we don't understand the trials, trepidation and fears folks experience. We've experienced them to. What it is we're trying to convey is so much of what we fear is a construct within out heads. It has little bearing upon the reality of what it's like to spread your wings and fly into the wider world outside your 4 walls.

I'm out so much....and learned not to be afraid of anything. To go to any place I want and never had a problem.

There is one club I visit regularly in Holland. It used to be a gay and transgender place. Today it's a mix of everything, gay people, couples, single women and men. Normally it gets a little crowded only after about 4 AM, closing at 7 AM, when people go there after work (bar people, hotel employees, guests of other club that close at 4 AM and so on. I've known the owners and some guests for some years now, we always talk, I get free drinks and meet interesting people. So far I've been the only CD there (that used to be different about 15-20 years ago).
However, one bartender told me a few weeks ago, one guy started making fun of me, I didn't notice at all.
They directly told him to leave the open minded place and not come back.

I think that's great and how it should be.

Last time, a week ago, the owner came to me prior to leaving and said he's so happy that I come as a regular guest. He himself is gay and married with a guy, both around 60 years old.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie Julianna

My greatest fear is that at some point I give in totally to Stephanie and loose my life to transitioning. I JUST COULD NEVER LIVE LONG WITHOUT MY FAMILY. That's what keeps me on track.

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This is the big one for me. Most of the time I am holding on to my life with white knuckles, arms aching *and grip slipping. Then, I get a better grip and hang on just a little longer.

I have a great life, envied by many, that I would give up in an instant, if it were not for my family.

It hurts so badly. Sigh

If some of you fear slipping off the edge then dressing is something you can't control?
You have family that keep you grounded and you couldn't live without them so how is it you will lose control and slip of the edge and transition?

If I ever got to the point I felt I had to transition to en femme completely I would try to have all my fear issues worked out beforehand. Right now I don't have that need. But the WANT is there...

I wish it were that easy Tracii.

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Originally Posted by Jeri Ann

This is the big one for me. Most of the time I am holding on to my life with white knuckles, arms aching *and grip slipping. Then, I get a better grip and hang on just a little longer.

I have a great life, envied by many, that I would give up in an instant, if it were not for my family.

It hurts so badly. Sigh

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I could have written this myself Jeri. I too have built a great life in spite of knowing the truth all along about the absolute essence of my being. One thing I did a few years ago was to prune transition from the decision tree. I eliminated it as even a remote possibility as an utter act of defiance. It still hurts badly at times but not nearly as frequent or as much as it did when that transition carrot was still out there.

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Originally Posted by Stephanie Julianna

My greatest fear is that at some point I give in totally to Stephanie and loose my life to transitioning. I JUST COULD NEVER LIVE LONG WITHOUT MY FAMILY. That's what keeps me on track.

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The exact same fear has kept me from transitioning as well, and keeping my girl time to myself and my therapist. Oh how I would love to be out in the open though. I don't pretend I'll ever pass (I could have when 30 years younger, with work), but I hope to reach the point where I can at least "blend in".

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Originally Posted by Tracii G

If some of you fear slipping off the edge then dressing is something you can't control?
You have family that keep you grounded and you couldn't live without them so how is it you will lose control and slip of the edge and transition?

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Respectfully, Tracii, I believe that you underestimate the conflict felt by many transsexuals in situations similar to Sara Jessica and Jeri Ann. Now, I am not transsexual, so I speak only from the knowledge I've gained from this community, but I can tell you this much - I hope that I never have to deal with the conflict that that those ladies deal with every day, and BTW ladies, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here. For them, gender dysphoria isn't ameliorated by "dressing", so take that notion out of the equation. In fact, I wonder if it doesn't make it worse for them at times, reminding them that they can only get so close, for just so long, before they have to resume the uncomfortable "guy" disguise that enables them to continue to be close to those they love, even though most of those they love would kick them to the curb if they knew the truth.

OMG, how painful that dichotomy must be to live through. Think on that. Nothing will ease the conflict but transition, and transition will lead to the loss of everything else that matters most. It's no wonder the suicide rate (ideation, gestures/attempts, and completion) is so much higher in that segment. I'll make no value judgement about what is worth giving up or who had a lousy life as a guy anyway, but I will observe that for most who have transitioned, loss is part of the process. Most will tell you they are happier now, but if it were that simple, there wouldn't be stories like our friends have shared in this thread.

Speaking of "this thread"... Phew! That was a rant and a half. Apologies to Paula for taking the original topic still further into the weeds, but I see true gender dysphoria and "the pink fog" conflated regularly here. They're not the same thing and they're probably not even two points along the same spectrum. And again, apologies to Jeri Ann and Sara Jessica if I have spoken out of turn and muddied the waters still further.

Actually, ALL of my really deep fears have come to pass. April 23, 2016...My wife of 29 years announced that she could no longer live with a man "who wants to be a woman." The fact that my next door neighbor & friend moved into the house a month after I left is purely coincidental.........

In one fell swoop I lost my wife, my home, and half of my friends. Now, if I happen to bump into any of her friends around town, they give me the stink eye and then snub me.

The only thing that remains is my beautiful daughter who accepts me as I am. flaws & all, although I have been hesitant to share more than showing some of the things I have bought. I am afraid of losing her, even though the chance is slight, and I wouldn't be able to cope if I lost her love as well.

So yeah, the fears ARE real, and calling them "irrational" just because they haven't happened to YOU (general pronoun) is slightly pretentious, IMO.

Those are good points Jodie Lynn.^ Spouses can act like they accept a CD husband but sometimes they change their mind eventually. Plus, some have a way of outing him to everyone unexpectedly. I'm pretty sure one or two of my exes have told others that I CD. Lucky for me the consequences weren't as drastic as your story.

However, I believe the OP was mostly talking about stepping out rather than coming out. Either way, when you're outed by a spouse it happens even if you've never gone out en femme. And it happens whether you were afraid or not!

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Originally Posted by Jodie_Lynn

In one fell swoop I lost my wife, my home, and half of my friends. Now, if I happen to bump into any of her friends around town, they give me the stink eye and then snub me.

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It took years for me to find out what, exactly, my ex wife told people about why we split. I had feared the worst, but, having paid off her blackmail request, seems she held up her word not to expose my crossdressing. Instead, she apparently told people that I had married her while professing to want children but, in reality, did not, and had deceived her, by never planning to get her pregnant, and had gotten a vasectomy before getting married and had not told her.

Quite a yarn, but I suppose people bought it. And it explained why they all treated me so badly whenever I met them. As much as it hurt me to have anyone think that of me, I had no alternate reason to suggest, less they go back to her and she get angry all over again and this time around, expose me.

I was having similar thoughts yesterday while away on a visit to a different town, weighing up the variety of people walking around and how, in amongst everyone else, I might (or might not) be noticed en femme. It gave me some confidence in someday being able to do it, and I think I could do it without fear of attack or ridicule, though not without some trepidation.

However, currently, if it was my home town there would be a real fear of meeting someone that I knew. Not being 'out' adds that extra risk of kicking off a catastrophic series of events Ã*nd losing control of everything. That's scary.

Rachel

I have rally long hair. I was fueling my truck when a guy came up to me and said, I had a dream last night that I had my long hair just like yours. He said friend your hair is beautiful and keep on growing it. I lost mine years ago.