How do you deal with the severe depression/crash afterwards

I love that you painted your daughter's nails! I bet she really loved it too.

I want to start out by saying I am not in any way against transition. I have made several posts about going slow, making many compromises, especially for those of us who disclosed later on to our partners or family and friends. Those posts are directed specifically to those who feel the immense frustration of their gender variance, yet are wishing to keep the lives they have intact.

Basic questions, the most basic actually is not about wishing to, wanting to, but CAN YOU? Another is what deep down would or does hurt more, giving up the life you have and living one as a woman, or keeping the life you have and remaining as a man? Those who transition after having built a life as a man... wife, kids, career etc etc, when they do so it is because they feel they have to. They can no longer function as a man, they can no longer adequately be a husband, father, son or a man in any capacity. Want has little to do with it. It really becomes all about what they can and cannot do.

For now at least it appears you are still able to function in these capacities, albeit with a lot of frustration and struggle. That struggle is the norm for most of us, myself included. The longer time goes on the more I realize I was a victim of the gender dichotomy society sets up, especially here in the U.S. as well as many other countries, although most to a lesser degree. Very few to a greater degree. For example, where my wife goes to get her nails done. The owner is a Vietnamese man. He is also the best of the nail techs there as well, according to my wife. Yet, he has a wife, who also works there and helps him run the shop, and he has children as well. He is just a family man running his business. I really do not know where if anywhere he fits on the gender spectrum, probably cis gender hetero male, but who really knows.... but the point really being is that how does it appear for men in the U.S. who would do the same? How many run nail salons who are cis gender hetero? I am sure if we search hard enough we will find some, but it would be a search nonetheless. Why? Because of how WE perceive gender, and how WE feel we must be, do, act, present as such gender.

There are members on here who have decided for themselves not to fit themselves into such society gender norms. Most of us though, myself included do struggle with this concept and almost a defiance of western society expectations. Would that work for you? maybe, maybe not, but perhaps it should be something to be considered as well as the various coping mechanisms you are using, which all sound solid and are having some degree of success.

Life is full of struggle and frustrations. Life isn't fair to all and some have more obstacles to overcome than others. But even for those who don't have the highest hurdles, life still has frustrations for everyone. Gender variance is among ours. There is no easy way out of that. Every action we take to ease our variance will likely have a counter action to it, save for some lucky few, but for most of us it will come with certain consequences. The farther we breach the opposite side, likely the greater the consequences, which then swings back to is it worth it. So for most it becomes a delicate balancing act, and never one without some frustration. It isn't completely erasing the frustration and struggle, just managing it as best we can, keeping our current lives intact, while allowing for expression of our gender variance.

I am just glad to have found this forum, to know that I m not the only one who has similar concerns. But I know the retail therapy does help :)
Brenda

You say you knew you were "different for many years"! different than who? I'm 60 now and have found that most people hide their true self, thinking they're out of the NORM!
I've known people who stole since they were in their teens and robed banks in their twenties, who's weirder or so called crazy?
I remember in High School I loved dressing up and walking around town and some of the guys I new thought it was fun to steal a car and beat it to S__t!
Are you hurting anyone by dressing? I could go on but it's all been said before.

I agree with you Nickki it is the hardest to go back to the male mode ,,it is the worst moment , that is why I stay with my undies all the time ,,,I feel horrible ...sometimes I hurry to find any free time to run home and change mode just to feel secure ...I think our unconscious is telling us to stay in a female mode because that is what we really are ....