Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand.

My wife found out ( by finding my clothes) after we had been married many years. I had supressed my feelings for many years for the sake of my relationship and then the children and a career but the feelings had always been there siince childhood.

Although my wife was sympathetic in her listening to the reason, it was quite obvious that like you it was not something she wanted to have to face. After all she had a reliable loyal husband and father to the children who was accepted socially and otherwise as a masculine male. In her discovery the image was being shattered. So for the sake of the status quo the dressing went back into the closet.

My wife loves me and I love her. I would sacrifice anything for my family and she knows that. I also know that she would do the same for me. when we married we made a personal vow to each other that our marriage would be one of give and give not give and take because we knew there would be times in our life together when things would not all be good either with one of us or both of us and we determined we would battle through those.

The decision I believe you have to make is whether you love him enough to be able to talk through and carry through a solution that you can both accept and live with without your love for each other being impaired. its a hard one but I believe that is the question you have to ask yourself

You have been given a lot of good advise here, all I can add is talk, listen and talk some more only you two can sort this out, I doubt that it will be easy, I know it wasn't for me but it can be worked out.

welcome Brina! Feel free to pm me any time if you want to talk. Also i believe that he should have told you the truth before you got married and give you a choice if you would be willing to except his dressing. As far as crossdressing is concerned i believe people are born with it. There is nothing wrong with it also it doesnt mean that he is gay. It is your choice if you love him enough and willing to except him with his dressing. Sweeping it under the rug wont help it because he will always come back to it. For me personally i havent udnerstood or been attracted to crossdressers before. When my boyfriend told me that he is into that. I excepted him for who he is because i love him more than anything in the world. Also i feel sad that he had to hide it for so long before me. I am happy that with me he can be what he truly is a beautiful woman. As far as you are either you choose to except it or not. I do not believe that you are insensitive but as i said before he should have told you before you got married to give you a choice instead of telling you after. I do not think it is fair to you but also it must have been hard for him to keep a secret. Good luck sweetie! PM me anytime

Brina, I am glad that you are open and that you are learning things about people. Some of the things about private thoughts/likes/urges and lord knows what would be "The Word" to describe those things. They are all facets of our born with existence,things that we all accept, whether cross dressers or not. Like having a passion for curry or not.
I think that you should know by now that your man is not cheating on you. Not even thinking about it. He is simply following some sort of deep down instinct that he cannot understand, like I cannot understand why my wife like curry.
I dress sometimes because it "feels" good.
By that I mean so many things about dressing, things both physical, mental and on very very rare occasions, sexy. For the comfort angle, I wear a skirt- actually a kilt,- most of the summer and autumn/spring. I grew up with one and when I was in England I found it was an amusing object. It is simply for comfort wear, its free, feels good with its swing, (comparable perhaps to heels) and the fact that it give my macho side a boost is nothing much to do with it. The girls love it and so do I - I am in my seventies -.
Sex - one does not have to be cross dressing to own, use or covet sex toys/porn. It is I think a fairly common denominator. Does it matter really whether he thinks he is boy or girl during sex pleasures ? Alone or otherwise. We do not all share our fantasies with our partners. You must also have sex fantasies. Do you share them ? alright, he may not have shared with you,but there is a built in guklt thing with them all and that includes non-sex things like crossdressing.
I do not think that sex is really anything to do with the situation that yuor friends think you are in. Anyway sex is a variable, usaully private between two,although it is often a commercial commodity, illustrated, straight or otherwise. He is, we think, straight and are you not thankful that he does not have headaches ( a le Kennedy) if he does not have a woman every three days.
He loves you, he chose you and you chose to accept him because you do love him.
That is quite enough for one member to say.

Understanding will come through acceptance.

Samm

I can not tell any of you how helpful this has been. Someone said post the point/questions and you will get your answers. I have learned today that there are many different aspects to this desire of cross dressing. I think in my case as the wife a major issue is that my husband corelates this dressing to sexual desires. He watches porn and masturbates. So my issue that this is a sexual preference and my confusion is what is the sexual preference.Again as I have said in other parts of todays dialogue is he the girl or the guy?? My fear lies in if he is the girl then is there a transgender issue. But yet he is not attracted to males.Do youget where I am coming from??That is my issue..And what I need help understanding at this time..

Brina, in a few words : Porn/masturbation is not abnormal. However it is not Crossdressing. The two are totally different.
Huggzzes Sam

Brina: As I sit here in my jeans, boots, and baseball hat after mowing the lawn, I contemplate your thoughts against my own experience. I told my wife before we were married. She said "so what". She's an ex-cheerleader, who's brothers played on the football team. A thin blonde fem. Why pick me instead of some jock? Why not care? I don't know, but I'm for-real with my emotions. She said to me once about some TVs she saw on TV :) "they're just trying to be themselves". I do admit to the sex-side of crossdressing. But, most guys "do it", even without the clothes. To my wife, as long as I don't cheat, she's cool with it. I think you need to divide his sexual part from his crossdressing part, or find out how they intertwine. He could be just getting his jollies, he could want to be a woman or just express a feminine side for emotional release, he could want to find men, he could be anything. Then you can decide if you can handle it. BTW, we're both college-educated.

But the dressing in itself, shouldn't be a big deal. Differentiate between the clothes and behavior.

PS: In reference to whether he is male or female sexually or otherwise. I am both. Sometimes I feel like a woman. Sometimes I want to be the woman emotionally and sexually. But, I also have the role of husband to fulfill. That is important. So, I am doing the manly mowing the lawn today. Would I prefer to be a woman? Probably. But since I'm married, and the kids are young, I try to ignore it. But, this may not be his issue. He just may be a little kinky. Find out what it is, then decide how to handle it. Do it from a point of logic. Emotion clouds the issue.

Hi Brina,
And welcome to the forums. You really need to join the GG forum where you will find stories similar to your own.

The BIGGEST question you need to ask is do you love your husband? If the answer is yes, then you have come to the right place to find support. If the answer is conditional or no, then you also know the path you have to take. The one thing you owe both you and your husband is to try to understand and coming here is the first step. Congratulations!

As has been pointed out previously, most of us are born this way. The other commonalities we share are fear, guilt and shame. It is a lousy way to live when all we want is to live, love and be loved just as anyone else. These are the same things you want.

We are flawed, every human being on this planet has flaws. Our so-called flaw is based on societal misunderstanding and conditioning. Prejudice if you will. Overcoming this bias will open up a totally new relationship for both of you, probably one you never thought possible.

I strongly urge you to join the GG forums, get to know them and the rest of us. Ask questions. Ask for experiences. You will get honest answers about how the GG's handle things as well as how we manage to survive both in and out of the closet. I think in the end you will find that little has changed except that you are now entrusted with the most profound and deeply held secret your husband has. It can create a bond you never thought possible if you support him or it could drive you apart and well, the effects on him could be devastating or not.

I wish you the best in your quest for understanding. If you want to ask me any questions please feel free to PM me.

Kimberley.

still think talking to a third party professional would help a lot...or else this will be like a tennis tournament...point for point and argument for argument...you both have a strong emotional feeling about this and need to work thru it...someone has to be able to see both your sides and help you figure this out so it works for you two!
it can be done!

I knew that women would not accept me and I am gonna be alone forever. Go i feel like..so sad today. Why do we have to judge all the time. I have been a victim of this kind of stuff since grade one and it got me so confused i did not even know what i was until just recently. One thing for sure......what about his feelings?
Shellybean

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BRINA

I think in my case as the wife a major issue is that my husband corelates this dressing to sexual desires. He watches porn and masturbates. So my issue that this is a sexual preference and my confusion is what is the sexual preference.

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"If he likes chocolate he must be gay."

Your logic is confusing you. Men are very prone to find items and 'things' sexually exciting by whatever imprinting happens for whatever reason. It is called parafilia. It happens to women too but on a lesser level. Do you have something you enjoy and like in a sexy way and have no idea why? Men in uniform? Butch bikers all greasy and sweaty with muscles? Rodeo riders? Could be anything with a sexual twist and you have no idea why or where it came from.

Very often crossdressers have a confused and mixed up association with the feelings they have and so when they hit puberty it gets chanelled to being an erotic association with an item of clothing or just the idea of being dressed as a girl. When they were younger it was just a blurred 'wanting' to express this odd feeling, and no way of expressing it because you aren't ALLOWED to play with the girls or be more sensitive or creative. so it gets buried in your head and literally perverted into a form of sexual expression when you hit puberty. Puberty turns it sexual...It becomes something that hits a deep down nerve. But it is harmless even so.
You've been on the internet. How many variations of a sexual thrill are there?

Haven't you got some of your own? Some little deep down sexual thrill you never told anyone because you were embarrassed or scared? Have a think about that and maybe you'll be a little more forgiving.

Sam-antha-Masterbation isn't normal??? I beg to differ. Everyone does it and has done it. Now, porn...well, everyone has there own feelings and beliefs in that. But, as a nurse, they teach us in school, that masterbation is absolutely totally normal, it is actually healthy! lol And it was said one other time in this thread...WHAT IS NORMAL?? Heck, I know I am more than likely not..and I like it that way

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Do you think I like pumping gas carrying in the groceries making more money because half the men in this world do not get it on how to multi task and make a ton of money( almost all my girlfriends beat their mens salary).

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Multi-tasking makes somebody a ton of money? Not me, it doesn't! Just gets me assigned more stuff! If what you said about your girlfriends is true, there's a lot more reasons than dressing up why I'd like to be like a woman, at least like the ones you mentioned!:D

Getting back on topic, though, I'm sorry about the stress this situation has caused you. Since I don't have a wife, girlfriend or SO like a lot of the members here do, I guess most people would say it doesn't matter how I dress myself or live my life because it doesn't affect anybody else. In short, I'm not under any kind of pressure to pretend to be "normal." Well...at least not like I would be if I were married, living with someone or in a serious dating relationship.

The only trouble is, if I ever met somebody and got into a serious relationship with her, I'd probably have a number of qualities that more people associate with women than with men. Two of them have already been mentioned, being highly sensitive and emotional. Thankfully, some GGs, like Bev, appreciate those qualities in a man, as opposed to being macho and chauvinistic. (Bev, I hope I didn't take any of that out of context!:D )

If you're still reading this thread by the time I've finished this post, I hope that means at least you're still making an effort to understand your husband's situation. You've certainly done well by keeping an open enough mind to visit this site. I hope everybody who's answered, and whoever has yet to write a post in this thread, proves to offer some good insight and ideas.

I'll not beat around the bush. I'm not one of the GG idolizers here. I will say it like it is.

Why did you marry this "crybaby"? If you are so strong, go. You have preconcieved notions of what is a man, and they are obviously very unshakable beliefs. Here's a revelation for you! Most "macho" mean are WEAK. It takes guts to cry. It takes guts to be talked about as if you are less of a man.

Of course, you don't cry. You could care less. :mad:

I've been harsh, I must add I do feel for you to have this sprung upon you. You should have been told.

Hi Brina :)
Welcome hon. ....Credit to you for seeking out this site. Please stick around for a bit, and perhaps drag Hubby along ( nice pun :) eh?)so that he can spend time considering who he is. Individuals are just that, and generalisations do not help.
I can't offer advice, other than that you both work on honest communication. But I can offer a few thoughts on the subject after reading your comments so far.

You earlier stated that you are something of a tomboy, yet need and admire a strong dominant man. I have to wonder how you came to hook up with such an emotional and tearful man, with two failed marriages to his score. Perhaps your real mistake was rushing into the marriage? In which case you could be lucky that you didn't hook up with someone real nasty.

Anyway, he seems equally at fault for trying to decieve a third wife. It's hard therefor to support his position, even though I fully understand his wish to keep his secret, he has been extremely foolish.
Perhaps your children were a bigger factor in you two getting together,than they should have been. Perhaps you both got what you deserve.
You are normal to be angry, but that will pass. Your situation seems far from unsalvageable, but only if you can both sit and talk it through and trust what is being said. This is the most crucial aspect of all this. Your Hubby needs to see that third time around is time to come clean completely, or as completely as he is able to understand what CDing means to him. Having a "weaker" man for a partner can have its advantages, if you are a dominant personality.
Your concern at his sexual ecitment whilst dressed, needs to be addressed. If he can't give you a straight answer, it may be that he isn't sure himself, but just as likely that he is afraid to be honest even with himself. Progression is different for all of us, and by no means all CD's progress beyond a "part-time" fetish status. His sexual excitement may simply be as a result of the sheer sensual nature of the clothing. Nothing "manly" comes close to combining sensuality with the percieved kinky taboo. Perhaps he doesn't need to picture himself as a woman to get his exitement, but his imagination will likely have fired up that picture at some time. His "unsatisfactory" experiments with toys, may simply be as a result of exploring some of the seedy transvestite sites and being influenced by what he has seen.
On the one hand, you were turned on by him before this discovery, and essentially it is your perception of him that has changed. On the other hand, you two have barely been together long enough to know and trust each other fully, even if you had not got off to such a poor start.
If the kids are the priority, then perhaps a little optimism is not misplaced. Two good incomes and together parents are pretty close to ideal. So can you work on the togetherness aspect? Can you both be honest and openly discuss your needs without getting over emotional? Can you see that accepting his "fetish" (if that's what it is,) gives you bargaining chips that you may otherwise never have.

Don't please, rush off in anger, give yourselves a little time and I would ask you to consider a fact put to me by a nurse at a U.K. Accident and Emergency Dept.; that one in eight of all males brought in are found to be wearing one or more articles of female clothing!!
And your "ideal" adonis could make you very unhappy, nothing is guaranteed.
Not all comforting, but helpful I hope.
I truly hope things turn around for you both, but honesty must come first.

Hugs Ellaine

Im not understanding this at all. So if a man masterbates be it in the shower or in a pair a panties that man is cheating on thier SO?

Pardon me...... everyone masterbates that doesn't equate to cheating.

So he used a toy OMG the worlds gonna end. what if a guy touches his nipples does that mean he wants breast? I don't think so.

From reading your post it sounds more like you want someone to "side" with you so that you can justify that your right and he's wrong NO MATTER WHAT. You almost sound like you want to wear the pants, which would make you a cd'er....lol

There is no more "normal" in this world and sitting here thinking about it I don't think there ever has been a "normal" only surpression to make our lives seem "normal"

Say you married him, lifes great hes as butch as they come, then a car crash, he can't move from the waist down, is he not still a man, a husband and a father? Would you care less for him because he not fuctioning a as whole man?

You don't seem to care about how he is feeling, you only care about what you think. What will the kids think. What will your friends & family think.

I am a father, they know I crossdress. Had my wife been as unsupportive as you are, I would have thrown her rear to the curb.

To be total honest,

You do not deserve a man that like him. He opened up his heart to you (the hardest thing a CD'er can do)..... and this is how you treat him? HE DESERVES BETTER!

ok back to a pantie thread for me..............:p

Brina,

You are attacking everyone cuz you are upset. RELAX and actually DIGEST what people are saying. You are turning around and crushing everything in your path....

Crossdressers are the way they are. They are BORN that way, just like your GAY friend........they can't help it.....most have done this since they were little......do you think a 4 year old purposes dressing in womans close for COPING reasons are you stated earlier...NOPE don't think they could comprehend that at that age.......

Also, you stated all this stuff about him being sensitive and you not needing to cry.....there is nothing wrong with a man crying and honestly to me it sounds like you are the one who is just unemotional and harsh.....

Listen, the ONLY way to even begin to understand is to take some quiet time and TALK to your husband......COMMUNICATION is the only thing that will work....

All of us GG's have been there, upset, betrayed, scared, wondering. apprehensive of the whole thing.......you need to just talk before you judge him.

You need to see that the reason he didn't tell you is exactly what you are doing right now....think about this, how would you feel if you were looked down upon, judged and ridiculed your WHOLE life....I think you would be afraid to let out the info that led you to be treated that way.......He has been living scared, and hurt and feeling ashamed his whole life, and for what, clothes he wears that make him feel like a whole person.....it is all society dictating what is and is not normal.

Good luck and try and communicate, without talking about it and sweeping it under that rug, you will be divorce #3 for him.....

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JoannaDees

I'll not beat around the bush. I'm not one of the GG idolizers here. I will say it like it is.

Why did you marry this "crybaby"? If you are so strong, go. You have preconcieved notions of what is a man, and they are obviously very unshakable beliefs. Here's a revelation for you! Most "macho" mean are WEAK. It takes guts to cry. It takes guts to be talked about as if you are less of a man.

Of course, you don't cry. You could care less. :mad:

I've been harsh, I must add I do feel for you to have this sprung upon you. You should have been told.

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Joanna,

You forgot one:

It takes a real man to wear a dress.

Brina,

Fish or cut bait.

You need quit whinging and make a decision: you either value the relationship you have with your husband or you don't.

If you do, then calm down, talk with him and we'll do what we can to help you understand all this.

If you don't, then please don't waste our time or your husband's time.

Regards,
Donna

I agree with Donna. She said it short and sweet!

Hello Brina

Welcome to the forum. A lot of ladies have said a lot of very good things already.

I do not think the issue here is cross dressing but since this is a CD forum I will give you my thought on this from a CD perspective. I can only give my thoughts on this and they may or may not apply to your husband.

I truly believe that I was born with this. Call it a curse or a blessing, at different times in my life I have thought of it both ways. I love women, always have and always will. I have no desire to be sexually involved with a man but that is just me. Dressing in woman's clothes does not get me sexually excited, it does however make me feel good. I am a man that likes to be a 'woman' from time to time and dressing, for me, is a good way to do that.

I also think your husband should have told you about his CDing when you first met but I am guilty of doing the same thing he did. I am now at a point in my life that I will tell the next GG I am interested in all about my CDing. For me to get to that point has taken a long time though so I do understand why he did not tell you up front.

It seems to me that the big issue here is his watching porn and climaxing (can I say that?). Your bothered that he does that and I can see why it bothers you. You feel he does not love you, or does not find you attractive, or desirable, or that you do not turn him on. Well thoughts like those would bother me about my partner too. I can see this as a problem especially if he only watches porn and does the self nasty ONLY when dressed. If he watches porn all of the time, even when not dressed than I say the cross dressing is the least of your worries.


As an aside and this is not meant to be mean but this is a forum for Cross dressers and we all generally, when we are here, refer to each other as ladies. It would be great if you could get into the mind set that we are ladies, at least while you are here.

Please talk with your husband and try not to make any hasty decisions.

Good Luck my dear,

Hugs,

Janelle

I was convinced I could not possibly give advice to a GG that got whammied with her significant other's cross dressing because my own way of looking at it all is so different.

If you are feeling confused and spinning, I suggest it would help to isolate your issues so you don't have so much to deal with all at once. So I will try to start by asking you if I understand what you are trying to say. Maybe clarifying it a little will bring the subject matter into your rational processing and out of your emotional reacting.


First of all you are angry because you have been decieved. Your husband hid something very important, demonstrating a lack of his trust for you.

Next you have a fidelity issue. You feel that sexual expression that you are not part of is cheating ,,, you think masturbation is kind of cheating, you wonder if the female clothing stuff is him being attracted to a feminity that is not you and is therefore cheating ....

Next you have a gender/sex or masculine/feminine issue. Like you want a manly man and find that attractive, like you want someone more butch than your own internal tomboy. this goes beyond your relationship into the general world about women earning more money and etc

I also think you have a fear or insecurity of some kind that makes you have such a strong need for things to be the way you see them. You want to be told that you are right to expect men to be gentlemen and treat women as ladies. Some people here have sent gentle words your way and others have criticized you for not being more flexible.
The one thing that is absolutely true is that you can change yourself if you want to. You can use this as a justifiable excuse to end the relationship like a "get out of jail free" card. Or you can choose to be the kind of you that you would like to be and I see you using the "good of the children" as your motivation to rise up to your highest potential.

As far as that goes, you start with figuring out your feelings clearly and rationally, otherwise letting your anger of one issue get blended into your emotions of another only leads to going around in circles.

I believe that once you are clear about what you feel, it will be easier to face your husband and talk to him in a way that could most likely lead to a positive outcome.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BRINA

I want normalcy. And it is not selfish to want that whe it can be found.

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Brina,
Your right, normal can be found, but only as a setting on a dryer. :D
~Liz~

Brina

You have had a lot of support in this thread and the girls here have made every effort in trying to help you. But what I'm seeing in this thread, is you're not really listening to them and it seems to me you have already made your mind up that crossdressers are generally just doing this to get their rocks off. I have to say, I'm quite offended by this and I can see a few members aren't very happy to say the least.

If you want to learn, then listen, listen to what these girls have to say. They have been transgendered all their lives, they know what they are talking about. But please, don't be so hostile to them, they haven't done anything but give you sound advice. Don't lump them all in the same basket, they aren't all the same and I feel that it was a bit unjust to say the least some of the things you have said. This forum is for support, it's not for giving all the members here a piece of your mind and what you think of them all.

Brina,
A couple of things.

First, even "macho", "unemotional" guys are emotional too. One of my former best friends (long story involving alcoholism) was very macho and didn't show his feelings to women, but in the company of his closest friends was very willing to show his feelings. Not that he ever cried in front of me, but he was definately more than the 1-dimensional person that you expect your husband to be. Why do you feel the need to be with someone who is not even remotely in touch with his feelings?

Second, have you considered that if he is just getting off to the clothing, that he is probably not a "woman" on the inside. The ones that are women on the inside are probably more likely to be "more comfortable" in the clothes, and not get excited by them. Note that this is only my opinion and others may disagree with me.

A bunch of the girls here have suggested that you take a step back and think about this for a while, and I cannot agree more. He has had a long time to come to terms with this and you cannot be expected to do it in such a short time.

Also keep in mind that society doesn't seem to treat TG people very well. Many states do not even have any laws on the books that protect TG people from being discriminated against even though they technically have laws protecting homosexuals. Being TG is not something I would wish on my worst enemy - on most days I consider it a curse and he probably does too. You cannot imagine the pain that having a mismatch between how you feel on the inside and what you look like to the world can and does cause. If you have seen the Dove commercial that ran during the superbowl, they showed women and what body-image problems they had. Multiply that by a lot and you have the body image problems that TG people feel every day. IF your husband feels like he should be a woman, then he is in a lot more pain that you can possibly imagine.

That said, I can understand your frustration and anger that he hid this from you before you got married. That is why I told my GF the instant that we decided to be serious.

Brina,

Talk to him!! You have lots of questions and we can only help you find the answers. Without talking to your husband, you only have assumption, not answers. Your best source for understanding in this is the man you married.

As for "normal", I have not met a normal family yet. We all have an image of the perfect life. I know if I want a truly happy life I need to work at it. Accepting my self and others as they are is just part of life.

No one is perfect, especially me, you need to take a long look at your self. To marry someone knowing they are more feminine then you, then whine about it is childish. I'd say grow up, but I don't plan on doing that my self. Take responsibility for your actions and don't push your faults onto someone else.

Life is not easy, make the best of what you got.

Alison