Let's sum up my dad, jerk, jerk, and oh wait... jerk!
It kind of goes like this. My mom left him at the age of 3 due to his volital temper. The events that transpired are unknown to me. I lived with him from time to time, and I can say, he was impossible to please. He remarried my mom when I was 12. More of the same, anger, rage, and abuse.
Why is it I don't want to be identified with other men?
I'm pretty sure both of my parents loved me. They were together for 50 years.
I was dressed as a little girl until I started school. My dad was a roughneck in the oil fields in the early 50's and wasn't home much.
When I was about 8 I was made to wear girls clothes as punishment.
Then I was forced to play football and basketball and track. Which I hated.
I know my mother was "stressed" when she had me. She was only 16 when I was born. As to dad, he was generally too busy trying to make a living.
What ever the cause was, I'm 57 and don't plan on quitting any time soon.
My dad was a Sargent in the British Army, during WWII he was promoted and demoted because of his behavior. As a father he was a severe disciplinarian, I remember feeling his web belt many times .
I remember as a teen....I had bought a night gown, he came into my room early one morning and pulled the covers off of me ....he saw the nighty and was furious...he ripped from me, gave me a lickin and we were never close again. Of course I gravitated to my mom and slowly became a momma's boy
Have to agree with the father bit in my situation. He was very distant and was away with his buddies most weekends. I was and am very close with my mother. Haven't seen my father in years, he just doesn't find the time to visit anyone.
Sally
Parents got divorced when I was young.
That's about it.
Don't agree with everything in that statement, but my father was very distant and seemed unloving, as he did with all his children, girls included, in fact, he hardly spoke to me until I was 16, and able to hold an adult conversation.
Angie^ xxx
Neither part of that article is appropriate for me. I was never forcibly dressed by anyone, and my dad, while not demonstrative, was not distant, gruff, demanding, etc. He was also the best boss I ever had. He's been dead for almost 6 years and I still miiss him like hell.
Do not want to bring up the past really as my father passed away 3 years ago.
But the original thread sparked something in me to respond.
My father was physically and verbally abusive to my mum, my sisters and myself. I can never remember that man showing any affection to anyone. No cuddles or kisses. No father and son days out etc etc.
So maybe that did have an influence along with other factors or maybe it did not.........who really knows.
I turned out nothing like him thankfully and have a full and loving relationship with my beautiful wife and kid's.
But seem there is something there as so many responding express their relationship with their father as, well not really having a relationship.
Anyways bless you all .
This could very well explain a lot of things.. my story:
Father has always been pretty shy, worked odd hours (tues-sat, 4am-1pm). parents divorced when I was 12. Even today, I still find myself rarely talking to him.. he's not mean, he just... doesn't talk. When I visit, little is said (unless I figure out a way to bring up a scientific conversation). After 30 minutes of trying, it usually turns into "let's go watch some TV". I so desperately want to have a stronger relationship, but being shy myself (something I'm trying to break out of), I find it very difficult when he's the same way (like father like son). He rarely calls and when he does it's usually a short question. I kid you not, he prefers to send a letter (and when I say letter, I mean a couple sentences.. sometimes bullet points) than to call me. again, not because we have a bad relationship, he just doesn't talk. When I was younger (like up to 8-9 years old) I remember watching TV lying on the couch in front of him, under a blanket. I'm still not sure if this is normal or not. I remember sometimes while in the car, he'd like to tickle me, but often it would be between my thighs (which was very ticklish), but I have memories of it sometimes being a little too close to the danger zone, and I would use all my strength to hold his hand to stop him until he gave up.. Yeah I know, I really need to see a psycologist because I think it was borderline sexual abuse. Never any hugs (I think he's homophobic). When I was about 16, we got in a car accident (tboned in an intersection), knocked the wind out of me, sprained some ribs. I remember in the ambulance ride to the hospital him on the bed staring up at me, just holding my hand. I don't think a single dam word was said either (not "are you ok", or "sorry"). He also had a drinking problem growing up (probably a big factor in the divorce), which he has thankfully overcome since the divorce. Only sibling (now dead) was a brother, who would tease me (I'm 4 years younger), so often I would feel like the teased sister (overpowering me definetely challenged my masculinity). I remember riding bikes in the muddy hills near our house, and we went up this tall one, and it had this really steep incline. and for like 30 minutes he teased me and said I needed to stop being a pussy and just ride down it.. making up lies like "you better do it, or I'm gonna call the cops". So top all that off with not having a mother after age 12 (probably when crossdressing became strong because I now didn't have a female figure in my life), and I guess you could pretty strongly explain why I am who I am.
[SIZE=3]I grew up in a loving family and always had what I needed as a child. My Mum was an efficient type and a practical mother. My Dad spent long hours at work and he really only spent time with his children on the weekends. He was not the touchy feely type, but it was obvious he tried to be an involved dad when he could.
As for myself being a Dad, I have a 4yrs boy and I spent as much time with him as I could, experiencing all those little significant moments in his life - it was just wonderful! I was also a stepfather to a teenage boy for nine years, but we never "hit it off" as much as I tried. Unfortunately, some resentment and anger entered our lives and now we dislike each other intensly! I have to admit (and it's hard to do so) that I became verbally abusive to him by the time his mother and I split. It's the one true regret I have in life...
It is interesting to note about pregnant mothers and stress. I have no idea about my own mother, but my ex was in an extreme state of stress during the whole of her pregnancy, so I wonder whether my 4yrs son will become a crossdresser? I do know my son has delayed speech developement problems and there are cases of Asperger's Syndrome that have been diagnosed in my ex's family (including her oldest child and possibly herself), so i'm pretty sure my son is going to have some form of affliction.[/SIZE]
I cannot remember a time when I did not want to dress. As a very young child I was aware of a desire to be female at least part of the time. My relationship with my father was not a good one from my perspective. He was gone most of the time, and when he was home, he was the disciplinarian. Niether of my parents were demonstrative in their loving, but were in their anger and disappointment. I was the oldest child and the first to do almost everything good or bad. Good was expected and bad was punished. I do recall my younger sister being a centerpiece. Pretty dresses, dolls, playhouse, and lots of attention that I probably was envious of. I don't know if I'll ever understand where my TG feelings and desires came from, but I will tell you that I love being TG, and would only change the nature of our society where it is concerned. Of course, I would love to be shorter, thinner, younger, pretty, shapely and all the other usual things required to be able to hide in the open. Louise
hi joanne,Quote:
Originally Posted by joanne_mi
guess you must be phsycic.i only found this site last week and having listed a few posts i was only thinking yesterday of how word some sort of questionaire etc. on what had influenced some of you to dress.i was also about to post an introduction to myself on the new members bit, so it seems appropiate to respond here, although i will still probably list a short general intro. as well.
i'll start with my relationship with my father and then discuss the dressing-up
i am the eldest of three children. i have a younger brother and an adopted younger sister.
Up until being about eight yrs. old i suppose thing were ok. he was working a lot so i didnt see much of him.
my mother tells me that i wanted for nothing and that he loved me - however i do not remember much of this due i think, to me blocking most of it out due to the subsequent nature of our relationship.then when i was about 8 or 9 he received a 2yr. prison sentence for some minor fraud or something at his workplace.things were ok even then, he told me that as the man of the house now i had to look after my mother and siblings whilst he could not.
upon his release and return to the family home however things went awry. the first day out he beat me, and he continued until at 17-halfway through college things got bad to the point i'd had enough and left.
throughout this time he took every oppurtunity to belittle and demean me, he continually tried to dominate my personality and intellect. the fact that he did not suceed just made matters worse.he was sometimes cold, but always distant and aggressive towards me- my sister became my fathers favourite, and my brother my mothers.he was a strict disciplinarian, and any infraction of his rules wether serious or minor led me to get a beating.
the "attack on my masculinity" did not come from a dominant female dressing me up in girls clothing, but i think, from my father's consant remarks that if i didn't act like a man he would "put me in a skirt". a fact that amused me no end in later years- if only he had known the outcome of his actions.
throughout my life i tried, sometimes i think too hard, to establish a bond or some common ground between the two of us.all i had ever wanted was his love and affection.
He died about 4 yrs. ago now, we never did get on.but having tried all i did for as long as i did i feel no guilt or sorrow. it was not to be. he was as much a victim as i was. a victim of his own upbringing in a lancashire mill town and all that entails, and whilst there were times i had hated him with a vengeance, that was the anger of my youth - i feel no hatred for him now.
In fact when he was lying unconcious, in a morphine induced state on his death bed, i went to visit him in hospital ( we had not been talking for several months previous to this for some stupid reason or other ). I asked the rest of the family to leave us alone and said my piece to him. i told him that i would never know why it had been as it had between us, that i had always loved him and always would.it was at this point that his breathing changed from what if had been the rest of our chat-so i think that eventually he heard me,its a pity it was too late.
There was never a "sexual tinge" to my feelings towards him, just the desire of a son to be loved by his father.
My first memories of any thing out of the 'norm' :heehee: as are when i was about 4 or 5 yrs. old playing with a gg freind of mine.i think looking back we were both just curious as to the differences between ourselves but for some reason we were swopping clothes in her garage. we heard her mother coming and hurridley slipped our outer clothing back on. i remember a thrill of some sort standing there in front of her mum knowing she was unaware that i was wearing her daughters nickers whilst she was talking to us.
i also remember singing a song in church school called 'i feel pretty' and all the way home sang it to myself in my head thinking- yes, i do feel pretty.
the next clothing incident i can recall would have been some four years later when a cousin of mine walked in to find me trying on a pair of my grandmother tights(pantyhose), she said nothing about it as far as i know and it was never discussed.
there were no other instances that i recall save for the fact that as i passed into my teens i did start trying my mothers clothes on when i was alone in the house.throughout my teens i carried this on.
as i got older i aquried my own attire, just bits and pieces, you understand ( no full ensembles-that would come later) just the odd nightie,skirt etc.
this carried on untili was in my early thirties. the i had a serious motorcycle crash. this was a life changing experience for me in many ways, but the primary one was that having lived on this little planet all my life, never hurting anyone i decided to stop feeling guilty about my cross-dressing and just accept it and more importantly myself for what i am.
i had become comfortable with rebecca at long last.
from then on i decided that if dressing up was always going to be in me then i might as well do it to the best of my ability,(a philosophy that i had alwayshad in other areas of my life) so i started buying wigs, shoes (that fit)and make-up, etc.etc.
i told the next 'gg'friend i had about my femme side from the start, at first she was ok with it but it wasn't a good match and as time went on she started to resent me having nicer clothes than her. anyway we split, and guess what - the first thing she threw at me was she did'nt want to be a lesbian !!!! go figure.
whilst in this relationship i felt even more secure about my femms side to 'come out to my close friends and my mother and sister.
my sister was ok, my mother - although she accepts it she does not really like it (the usual- was it me,did i do somethying wrong etc.), i still think it would have been easier for her if i had been gay- easier to pigieonhole me in her mind.
As for my friends- well, they were all wonderful about it. which shows i think 1- what genuine freinds they really are and 2- that i had made good choices in whom i call freind.there were one or two who said they had had suspicions for years and that there had been times when they called to see me and i didn't answer the door straight away that they joked with each other that i was probably struggling to get out of a dress- and indeed on some occasions how right they were !:heehee: since then i have had several girlie nights in with their respective partners. its great how they enjoy it as much as i do. they get to play and i get someone else to do my make-up and pass on tips, although some of them initially thought that all cd'ers make-up should look like a drag queen, i've re-educated them now though.we have even had an anne summers lingerie party at one of their houses !
that's about it as far as frocks are concerned- to date, i am content, i consider myself to be a nice person and think that with my dual veiwpoint on life i am one of the most complete people i know (tho' i think this would apply to all of you as well), i no longer worry about what other 'norms' think as most of the live in a glass house as far as knowing their true selves is concerned.
So there you have it joanne, my little take on your post concerning ann landers views.(by the way it was 1979 when i left home and college).whilst i disagree with some of it i also connect with some of it. just because it's 30 years old does not negate it, hell back then we all thought video was wonderful but now we want dvd quality.things have a habit of changing dont they-it does not make the old stuff worthless, you must veie things in the perspective of the time from whence they came.
if i have rambled on a bit i'm sorry, but it has proved to be a bit cathertic for me, as i have just laid bare to you all, that which i have never discussed with anyone before.indeed i was typing the part about my father with a tear in my eye.
anyway i hope this is of help or interest to you, like i said it was a coincidence that i was thinking along these lines when i saw you thread.
on a somewhat lighter note, i am so glad to have found this forum and other like minded individuals to talk to.i am also so glad to have found that nice brown tartan skirt and complementing open-roll-necked top in asda (wal-mart) yesterday. it looks and feels great on.:heehee:
i would also like to say a big hello from me to all of you.
HELLO. :D
if any of you have any questions, feel free girls.
lots of love.
rebecca.
xxx
I'm no expert, but I think most people have rocky relationships with their fathers. If you were raised in the Fifties or Sixties, the chances are overwhelming that you consider your father remote or emotionally distant. That was the conventional fathering style of the time.
I was raised by baby-boomers, so there was a bit more emotional freedom. But even today men do express less emotion than women. And most fathers are hard-working breadwinners, and a child always feels that he never gets quite enough attention.
And, as males, our growing up always involves some sort of wresting of autonomy from our fathers. Our manhood is won by denying him his control over us. That's a traumatic experience for both parties.
I think these things are true for 90% of men, and not just for crossdressers.
This thread is a few days old but I thought it was a good thing to keep going..
My Father..
He is My best Friend now, We go dirt Biking together and talk politics and just hang out.
He Used to Beat me. He was an Alcoholic.
He worked on something ALL THE TIME.., Whether at his job or in his garrage.
When I was 10, I wanted to dress like a girl for Samhain/Halloween. My Mother was ALL TOO Helpfull- HeHe :).. I was All dolled up one afternoon while practicing for a look.. And DAD came home.. He said "I did not raise my son to be a girl", Or something like that.. He did not talk to me for the rest of the evening. Around my middle Teens he opened up my door and found me ALL dressed up, much to my embarressment. We never talked about any of these things however..AFTER those days, and to Now, He rarely ever wants to teach me anything, or Even accept my help with ANYTHING. But, He is getting older now and we actually live very close to each other, He is actually now asking for help with some things and as I said We have done dirt biking together for quite a long time now. As I have gotten a little older He is now starting to teach me some of his "know how".
I Love my Dad, Though I do not think that we will ever talk about the my other side. I will always just TRY to be by his side.
I do not know if this falls into line with this thread, but I just thought to write this.
My dad left home when I was 13 and I never saw him again. I have later realized that he was a CD also and my sexologist has confirmed that CD'ism is something which is passed down through generations. My dad was very loving although not very intimate with me. My mom was stricht, I don't think it has anything to do with me being a transexual. I just think it is passed down.
huggs
Sejd
Doesnt apply to me either. My dad and I always had a good relationship and still do. Now, would I go to my father and tell him I love wearing lingerie and other articles of womens clothing? I would not. It's not something he needs to know. But we get along great!
Emmerz
I've heard this 'theory' bouncing a round a lot. For the record, I would categorize my father as 'distant and passive' and there was a period in my 'formative years' when he had a job in another state so we only saw him on weekends.
:2c:
Now I've gotten that behind me, I've got to say that this type of psychology is like astrology. You can give anybody any random tripe as a horoscope and people will try to rationalize some way it 'fits' their situation. "Why yes, I am a Scorpio and I DO feel creative and moody this month!"
Tell 50 crossdressers that some experts say that CDing may have been caused by a distant father, and a majority will tell you that perhaps their father was distant with them. Tell the same 50 that crossdressing is triggered by too many red toys, and 90% of them will suddenly remember the red firetruck they used to love when they were 5 years old, so (slap palm on forehead) of COURSE I turned out to be a crossdresser! Thanks for turning on the light!
Of course there is a cause, everything has a cause, but I don't think we'll be lucky enough to find on that simplistic.
My alcoholic father left when I was 3. My mom married another alcoholic when I was 5...he left when I was 8 and my mother remarried - yet another alkie - when I was 9 or 10. They're still together, but he was a tough guy. He wasn't physically abusive, but the threat was always there. He was rageful and then lovable from one minute to the next.
I appreciate you brininging up the thread, Joanne. I've been trying to trace the roots of this thing for awhile. For me it's a way of demystifying it and ultimately having more self-accepance.
Anyone who has come to a place of complete comfort and contentment with this aspect of their lives has my congrats and I'm a little jealous. But I imagine that more people struggle with it than admit. Which is kind of sad, b/c it sort of defeats the purpose of honoring and emulating women and the sisterhood we're trying to create here.
I was extremely close to my father. After my mom died, we were all that was left of the family (I was an only child).
No, my father didn't know of my crossdressing, but apart from that, we were the best of friends, besides being father-son, we did almost everything together. If I couldn't get over to see him, I would at the least call him every day.
my parents divorced when I was around 5 or 6. Still get along well with both Mum and Dad (32 years later) but never really was close to my dad after the divorce...
I guess it somewhat fits me. My Scot-Irish father was somewhat distant and didn't participate a lot in raising me, so I was closer to my mom. I wouldn't say he had rages or anything, but I grew up in the era where spanking children was commonplace, and when I did something bad, my dad was the enforcer/executioner. I'd be sent to my room to wait for mt dad to get home and have my "sentence" carried out. I was never really dressed as punishment, but my mom did dress me in girl's clothes on several halloweens, and once when I had a really bad toileting accident at around 6, I had to wear my cousin's (a girl cousin of course)clothes because I'd ruined mine.
well that sounds interesting but dead wrong in my case.. my dad and me were real close. he was always understanding and so was my mom. my home life was good and i loved them so.so i can't fault my childhood for who i am ..
i just felt different i knew i should have been born a girl from a young age ...
that's the part That is hard to explain i just know it deep in my heart ..
shrinks have to come up with some reason why we do what we do..
but the bottom line is there is nothing wrong with us thats my :2c: worth
I must have been the sole data point for this "study". :eek:
That is exactly how it started except it was my "father" who did it once to humiliate me. Once at age 5 he made me walk across the street in front of the neighborhood kids wearing one of my sisters dresses and, and this is the weird part because no one would see, her panties. I recall that this punishment was for doing something "sissified".
I've told the story somewhere on here in the past. It did humiliate me, but I think, if the event has any significance, it was just the spark. The fuel was already there from birth. I've read stories about other CDers that went a long time not having a desire to CD and got dressed up for holloween or as childs play and realized that they loved it. It clicked.
My male parental figure (sorry, he doesn't deserve the title even post mortem) was a miserable human in so many more ways than Ms. Landers could imagine. The funny thing is that when he later caught me at around age 10, he never even stopped to consider that he may have started it, he just thrashed the crap out of me.
None of that made me who I am, it just made me intensely afraid and ashamed of who I am.
-b
oh, yeah, and the mother things she said don't apply to me. I wasn't much more fond of mum for taking a back seat and watching the JR Torment Show. (and I thought she and my sisters were beastly). :2c:
So I'm not so different after all?
Any proclivity for my dressing in clothing originally intended for the other gender was entirely original, and only mine.
My father, a NASA scientist, moved out and divorced my mother (his second wife) when I was 10, and was of trivial influence in my raising. He spent time with us on weekends, encouraging me to do yard work (which I hated, party due to undiagnosed allergies), or to go out for a reastaurant meal, or visit a park. He preferred to discuss scientific or technical issues, not emotional issues.
He died in 1979.
My mother (post stroke now in a nursing home) recently made a big point to tell me that dad physically abused her over and over again. It is hard to believe she could have hid that from me at the time. I can't independently verify her belated claims. Why she wanted to tell me now, I have no clue. Then again, she was violent with me over my crossdressing, until I grew bigger than her. Perhaps it is to cover some guilt, but I doubt it.
My father was in a mental hospital for a couple weeks in the late 60s, during which time he says he was involuntarily given painful electro-shock treatments. It certainly sounds barbaric, but again, I was adolescent at the time, and I could not independently verify his claim.
It's a wonder I am not a lot more messed up than I am.
So the original Ann Landers theory fits me half-wrong, and half right on. Bless her heart. I miss her.