So my bf cds and is upset I - advice?

Printable View

Show 50 post(s) from this thread on one page

12-20-2006, 05:56 AM
Debb

Chloe Jane

It is wonderful that you are willing and able to be accepting and open about this; it is unfortunate for your boyfriend that he is not ready.

I have similar difficulties communicating with my (accepting and supportive) wife. I still have not completely gotten over my own discomfort about my crossdressing -- I have found it difficult to accept for so long now, that it is hard to quit being ashamed. Even though we like to dress as women, we are still men, and most of us do not open up easily about our feelings.

I want to throw my hat in the "don't push it" ring. I also would like to say that I don't think you should get him any "femme" gifts of any kind; if he is in a denial or shame phase, this will only push him further down the solitary road (I know, my wife gave me a femme gift last year and I ... just didn't know how to feel about it, I felt very strange -- and I didn't know how to communicate that to her without making her feel badly).

I wish you well, Chloe, and I hope things work out well for you and your boyfriend.
12-20-2006, 08:42 AM
Jane GG

Shannon CD- You shouldn't feel bad. Like I said I would be in the same place by wearing pants to work 100 years ago. If that social norm can change for women- and hey we all think it is just fine now- then it can (and should) for men, which means it is just fine too! Besides can you imagine how much better peace talks would go if the male world leaders could go into a room and look at each other and say - oh that is a cute skirt ?:happy: So unless there is something wrong with all of women who wear pants and polos, etc which are "menswear", there is nothing wrong with you wearing a skirt!

Bethany Marie- I think you are a lot like my boyfriend in how you feel/think. I think if I bought him something now he would feel even more uncomfortable. Once he opens up I will do that though.

I think I will go with hanging the clothes up. They are stuffed in two big bags in an empty closet. I am going to go get some nice hangers for them and hang them up. He should at least take care of the clothes! :happy: I think he will be okay with that. I really think he is in some severe denial, but now maybe he was come to terms with it, since it isn't so hidden anymore.

It wasn't mentioned last night. I told him I would let him have some time to absorb my knowing and I wanted to do that. I held his hand while we were out shopping (electronics store) and made sure he knew I was still attracted to him just the same when we got home :happy: Maybe he will start to open up soon. Until then I am glad to talk here! (and I did register for the GG forum) Even if advice is contradictory- everything said to me helps me. I appreciate it all! Thanks for being so fantastic!
12-20-2006, 10:41 AM
Satrana

Chloe jane

You seem to have got the right idea. And I would also be one to advise against buying him anything or going shopping with him as this is just too embarrassing for him to cope with at this moment.

Not only is he in shock at having his deepest secret revealed, but he is also scared that he has let you down as a man, that you will think less of him and that you are only trying to be nice to him by saying these things. The only way he is going to get over these feelings is by simply giving him time to adjust and keep the relationship ticking over as normal. But if he does not come out of his shell over the next few weeks then you should prompt him by saying he is not allowed to sweep this under the rug.

One other thing which has not been mentioned is this - although mentally you are fine with the idea that men can wear feminine clothing, when you actually see him dressed you may find that your emotions are somewhat different. I dont know what his physique is like or his choice of clothes, but he may not look so good when dressed. Also you may also have emotional problems remaining sexually attracted to him while he is dressed. Do you know how you would react if he wanted to make love while he was dressed as a woman?

Just bear this in mind when you are telling him that you fully accept him because you don't actually know that for sure until you experience his crossdressing for yourself. And if you do have issues, and it is very common, then he may feel betrayed that you were so suportive earlier and are not so sure anymore. So you should also take baby steps yourself and not jump in headfirst into the unknown.

Anyway you seem to have a wise head on you so I wish you all the luck. :love:
12-20-2006, 03:34 PM
CDBarbie

Chloe Jane, He can't help how he feels. Love him and give him time. You could go shoping and buy him a new outfit. One you think would look good on him and one that you would like to see on him (sexy outhit hopefully) You guys have to get through this. Life is wonderful once you get through to the other side. Love, Barbie
12-20-2006, 06:55 PM
Jane GG

Update

So, how has today gone? Well my hot water heater is broken so I've been having to go over to his place to shower (hence how I just found the clothing- he had put a new toothbrush in the medicine cabinet but not thrown the old one out and I thought maybe it belonged to someone else and looked in the closet and found the clothes and hauled back to my place - which is where we spend most all of our time- about how I knew there was another woman as I found all of her things. His response being- no there wasn't someone else, they were his)

anyhow the bathroom needed to be cleaned and he had some old towels, so I went today and cleaned the bathroom, bought him some new towels and got the bathroom spiffy. I had brought with me bunches of nice new hangers. I hung up all of his clothes- dresses, skirts, pants and shirts all organized and panties in cute little cloth baskets. He knew I was cleaning the bathroom (which he says I did more for me than him- okay, true). I showed him the new towels- which match the colours in the bathroom. He seemed happy. Then I told him there was one more thing and to go look in his closet. He headed for his bedroom closet and I said no, the other one (the spare bedroom where his bags were). He looked inside and said oh and then closed the door. I told him I didn't think any part of him should be shoved in a bag. I asked if he was mad and he said no and that he was just still getting used to it.

Well tonight he actually started talking to me about it. He said he's afraid I will still think it is weird. I said no and that I wouldn't have hung his clothes so nicely, but would have just kept them in the bag and not tried to talk to him, to which he agreed. So we seem to be making some serious progress.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was because I was afraid he would be mad at me. When I was at the store buying the hangers and towels, I thought they would think I was shoplifting because I was acting so nervous and edgy. Anyhow, I was so nervous the whole time I was hanging them- completely freaked out he was not going to take it well. I am relieved now and I think he is beginning to talk to me.

As for seeing him dressed up and my reaction. When I had worn skirts for work and still had them on when we started getting "frisky" he asked to wear it while we were in bed-along with my panties- I had no problem with it. It was as much of a turn on for me. So I think I am okay with it so far. Ah we will see how the rest of the night goes! :happy: Thanks for everything- I must admit I just wanted to run home and get on my computer for help while I was at the store, but I didn't have time if I was going to get it done before he got off work. I so look forward to my visits here!
12-20-2006, 08:24 PM
brina_cd

I think it's safe to say that we all look forward to your posts. Particularly those of us with less-than-accepting spouses/gf's. If he blows it...
12-20-2006, 11:47 PM
Satrana

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was because I was afraid he would be mad at me.

I thought the clothes hanging was a great idea and struck just the right balance. I think your fears were unfounded.

Quote:

. It was as much of a turn on for me. So I think I am okay with it so far. Ah we will see how the rest of the night goes! :happy:

Thats great to hear, you are very open minded about these things which is important if this is going to work out ok. If you think about crossdressing rationally, it is actually not a big deal as all he is doing is using clothes to overcome the social conditioning to hide his feminine side. Your acceptance will result in a wonderful opportunity to grow more close.

I give your efforts an A+ . You are obviously a loving and thoughtful person.:love:
12-21-2006, 04:11 AM
Sheila

Chloe,

Glad he has opened up a bit to you hun, take it slowly, with small steps and love you should make it

Jess
12-21-2006, 08:59 AM
Sophia Rearen

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

Then I told him there was one more thing and to go look in his closet. He headed for his bedroom closet and I said no, the other one (the spare bedroom where his bags were). He looked inside and said oh and then closed the door. I told him I didn't think any part of him should be shoved in a bag. I asked if he was mad and he said no and that he was just still getting used to it.

Chloe, what you have done so far is inspirational. Last year, my wife gave me, amongst other things, skirt hangers for Christmas. Of course, I was hoping she would by me something pretty to wear, but oh well, she's practical. My point, everything you do like this, no matter how small it may seem, is a sign of acceptance. It sends a message. My hanger present was one of the best christmas presents I've received. It wasn't the product, it was the thought. Your bf is obviously overloaded by this acceptance from you. He isn't used to someone else participating in his "kink". I say kink, because he may believe, at this point, that this is all it is. Keep sending the messages, he'll open up and eventually welcome any signs of your love and acceptance eagerly.
12-21-2006, 03:02 PM
Rachaelb64

Chloe Jane, he doesnt know what an angel he has in you :happy:
12-21-2006, 04:09 PM
Jane GG

Today's post

So last night he actually talk to me quite a bit about things and started asking me a lot of questions like why was I okay with it and if I liked any of the clothes. I told him about one of his skirts that I liked in particular. That seemed to go over well. He really seemed to open a lot more and said he was feeling more comfortable. Then he tried on a few things for me. It was followed with lots more questions like why did I like it etc. I think he is feeling a lot better and I think he was happy to try on the lingerie for me....maybe that was because it was mine and it was just new for him. Oh well, nonetheless, it was a big step. I also told him I had some panties that I wouldn't wear because they came the lingerie top and I bought different panties to go with it. He seemed happy about that and actually that was the first thing he put on last night. I am feeling much more relieved about it all. Of course we had an argument this morning but that was over his overbearing, not so selfless nor nice mother. Now if we can just get him to stand up to her and tell her to #@&$ off, we would be all set! :happy:

I did ask him to admit he was a crossdresser and he said that he always thought that meant he had to go out in public dressed up.

I am anxious to see how this evening goes. I will keep you updated!
12-21-2006, 04:16 PM
Erica Lauren James

Sounds like things are starting to work out for you to. You should let him know not to be all concerned as to why your ok with it as there are many, many of us here that would love to have gf that was ok with it and parcipitated with us.

He is a very lucky Guy!!

Kiera
12-21-2006, 04:24 PM
JoAnnDallas

Tell him that being a crossdresser does NOT mean he HAS to go out in public. Many CDer's here will tell you that, many of them do not go outside the house. I have been a CDer since I was about 10. That I was 49 years ago. It was not until last year that I started going out in public. For most of those 49 years, I did not venture out into the public.

I am glad he is finially starting to talk to you about it all and he is starting to let you see him dressed. That is a very good sign. He is starting to come out of his shell.
12-21-2006, 04:46 PM
Sophia Rearen

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

So last night he actually talk to me quite a bit about things and started asking me a lot of questions like why was I okay with it and if I liked any of the clothes. I told him about one of his skirts that I liked in particular. That seemed to go over well. He really seemed to open a lot more and said he was feeling more comfortable. Then he tried on a few things for me. It was followed with lots more questions like why did I like it etc. I think he is feeling a lot better and I think he was happy to try on the lingerie for me....maybe that was because it was mine and it was just new for him. Oh well, nonetheless, it was a big step. I also told him I had some panties that I wouldn't wear because they came the lingerie top and I bought different panties to go with it. He seemed happy about that and actually that was the first thing he put on last night.
Sure makes me feel as if things are moving at a snails pace in my camp.

I am feeling much more relieved about it all. Of course we had an argument this morning but that was over his overbearing, not so selfless nor nice mother. Now if we can just get him to stand up to her and tell her to #@&$ off, we would be all set! :happy:

Maybe it's time for him to dress up in front of Mom?
12-21-2006, 09:03 PM
AmandaM

This is good news. With so much hate in society towards us, he was freaking out over you reacting poorly. His own image of crossdressing is poor because of it. He doesn't want you to think he's some freak, fa**ot, sicko.

Only by your actions is he coming around. Don't laugh at stuff on TV such as Jerry Springer transvestites. He will take it poorly. At least until he trusts you.
12-21-2006, 09:54 PM
Olesja_CD

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

So, how has today gone? Well my hot water heater is broken so I've been having to go over to his place to shower (hence how I just found the clothing- he had put a new toothbrush in the medicine cabinet but not thrown the old one out and I thought maybe it belonged to someone else and looked in the closet and found the clothes and hauled back to my place - which is where we spend most all of our time- about how I knew there was another woman as I found all of her things. His response being- no there wasn't someone else, they were his)

anyhow the bathroom needed to be cleaned and he had some old towels, so I went today and cleaned the bathroom, bought him some new towels and got the bathroom spiffy. I had brought with me bunches of nice new hangers. I hung up all of his clothes- dresses, skirts, pants and shirts all organized and panties in cute little cloth baskets. He knew I was cleaning the bathroom (which he says I did more for me than him- okay, true). I showed him the new towels- which match the colours in the bathroom. He seemed happy. Then I told him there was one more thing and to go look in his closet. He headed for his bedroom closet and I said no, the other one (the spare bedroom where his bags were). He looked inside and said oh and then closed the door. I told him I didn't think any part of him should be shoved in a bag. I asked if he was mad and he said no and that he was just still getting used to it.

Well tonight he actually started talking to me about it. He said he's afraid I will still think it is weird. I said no and that I wouldn't have hung his clothes so nicely, but would have just kept them in the bag and not tried to talk to him, to which he agreed. So we seem to be making some serious progress.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was because I was afraid he would be mad at me. When I was at the store buying the hangers and towels, I thought they would think I was shoplifting because I was acting so nervous and edgy. Anyhow, I was so nervous the whole time I was hanging them- completely freaked out he was not going to take it well. I am relieved now and I think he is beginning to talk to me.

As for seeing him dressed up and my reaction. When I had worn skirts for work and still had them on when we started getting "frisky" he asked to wear it while we were in bed-along with my panties- I had no problem with it. It was as much of a turn on for me. So I think I am okay with it so far. Ah we will see how the rest of the night goes! :happy: Thanks for everything- I must admit I just wanted to run home and get on my computer for help while I was at the store, but I didn't have time if I was going to get it done before he got off work. I so look forward to my visits here!

this is how these situations should be handled... any more perfect? probably not... best example how things can be settled but girls have to be the ones to be OK with it... its not drinking or drugs.. just clothes...
well go on, make kids... now that secret is out marriage time !
12-21-2006, 10:35 PM
mona lisa

Hi Chloe Jane!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

As far as society- to me it is just a double standard - anyone can wear pants, so why can't anyone wear skirts? Besides maybe he has some cute ones I can wear!

Boy, he is one lucky fella. The man in me is a bit envious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

Shannon CD- You shouldn't feel bad. Like I said I would be in the same place by wearing pants to work 100 years ago.

Funny you mention that because I brought the same subject up with a friend of mine a few weeks ago.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

If that social norm can change for women- and hey we all think it is just fine now- then it can (and should) for men, which means it is just fine too!

One should not have to be scottish or irish to be able to wear a dress.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

Besides can you imagine how much better peace talks would go if the male world leaders could go into a room and look at each other and say - oh that is a cute skirt ?:happy:

:heehee:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

So unless there is something wrong with all of women who wear pants and polos, etc which are "menswear", there is nothing wrong with you wearing a skirt!

At least if those who have a problem with men wearing skirts would have a problem with women wearing pants, whatever one thought of them they would at least be consistent. But the modern status quo on this is not consistent at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

I think I will go with hanging the clothes up. They are stuffed in two big bags in an empty closet. I am going to go get some nice hangers for them and hang them up. He should at least take care of the clothes! :happy: I think he will be okay with that. I really think he is in some severe denial, but now maybe he was come to terms with it, since it isn't so hidden anymore.

It wasn't mentioned last night. I told him I would let him have some time to absorb my knowing and I wanted to do that. I held his hand while we were out shopping (electronics store) and made sure he knew I was still attracted to him just the same when we got home :happy: Maybe he will start to open up soon. Until then I am glad to talk here! (and I did register for the GG forum) Even if advice is contradictory- everything said to me helps me. I appreciate it all! Thanks for being so fantastic!

Thankyou Chloe...for being who you are. I wish there were more women with your understanding -and I doubt I am the only :doll: on the forum who thinks that :happy:
12-21-2006, 10:50 PM
danam

I think you did awesome. Your experience and conversation is pretty much exactly how I envision it happening to myself. It hasn't happened yet--my wife doesn't know. I don't want her to know. But eventually it will happen. And I will probably react exactly as your BF did. I really don't want these two worlds to mix together. My brain is wired like a man, but it so so enjoys pretending occasionally to be Dana...really weird and hard to accept. But, like your BF, I draw a pretty hard line between the two worlds and don't like them to cross. So give him lots of time.

And try not to even JOKE about it. Let him initiate the conversations. If he's anything like me, he probably doesn't want to mix those two worlds.

I would, however, give him blocks of time to himself, alone.
12-21-2006, 10:59 PM
kerrianna

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sophia Rearen

Maybe it's time for him to dress up in front of Mom?

:lol2: oh Sophia! You're so bad!
12-21-2006, 11:09 PM
TxKimberly

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chloe Jane

I found my bf's clothes. I have no problem with it and told him as soon as I asked about them. He, on the other hand, is completely stressed out about it. I told him it doesn't bother me in the least and I see nothing wrong with it. But since I found out he seems to have closed a door and I feel shut out. He only dressed in the clothes- no makeup and only inside. He is almost avoiding me now. What do I do? It doesn't matter to me at all, but his being upset is making me upset because I feel shut out all of the sudden. Any advice?

Hmmm . . .seems to me a lot of people responded with the way THEY feel, and things THEY want known if their SO found out about them. Can;t trust that as we are all different, with unique feelings, thoughts, and habits.
What can you do to help your SO know it's all right? My opinion? Hug him, laugh with him, tell him you love him.

Kim
12-21-2006, 11:32 PM
InHerShoes

Just give it time. I have a very accepting wife and it took me months and months before I could be really comfortable dressing around her. And there are still plenty of awkward days when I feel weird or I can tell she does and it's been five years now. But we communicate really well and if she says "Hey I really miss those ratty sweats you used to wear" or something to that effect I know it's time to dress down. Just be patient, I wouldn't have wanted to come out any faster than I did and my wife seems like you - she really didn't care if it was jeans or a skirt. I was embarrassed. There is a lot of cultural conditioning against guys being anything but "manly". It takes time to get used to the fact that - "Oh, you're still into me even though I wear a dress?"
12-22-2006, 02:31 AM
cdjenny

best advice i can give you

just tell him hey we need to talk...and leave it at that for a min...here is y

when talking to a man you need to start off saying hey we need to talk...dont force it any farther..when we as men are confrunted with a problem..and we are forced to talk right then we cant...we cant think..we get defenceive..when we are naged at about things...we need time to think things through first..and get it together..does this make since to you..i hope it does:hugs:
12-22-2006, 03:37 AM
loki_uk

I don't know if it's any help but I've told a few close female friends, but my wife finding out would be one hell of a shock, if it's not the fear she'd want to leave me it's almost as bad to think your relationship will suddenly change...and well most blokes fear change unlike their missus who are usually intent on changing them into something else lol

I think most of us whether we've been completely found out or had a narrow escape probably clammed up the shock is just too much
12-22-2006, 05:07 AM
Khriss

..well..

..Chloe.. You're "neck deep" in aquireing information or advice here..when,,,steering Your SO here for reasurance or knowledge like- "she's - not alone-in her feelings ,may have passed...
there's the "masculinity" factor...
..an old line still rings true ,, "Do'nt believe everthing You read "
I'm inclined to think.. "I'ts better if He admitts it,to You" before You go further? ...just My opinion , and xx"K"
12-22-2006, 11:56 AM
Jane GG

What did happen last night?

So last night I was a bit surprised. We were in the car on the way to dinner and he bring up that he knew he would be working a bit late at work and had hoped that he would've had time to run out and buy something to wear for me that evening, but he didn't have the time. So we just talked for a bit- I just let him lead the conversation. There wasn't a whole lot more- but I am still getting a lot of "what are you thinking about?".

Then last night while we were on the couch after dinner I said I was disappointed I didn't get my surprise from his not being able to go shopping. He pulls the laptop on the couch and goes to Victoria Secret's website and wants me to go through it with him showing him things I like and talking about why. We went through tons of items discussing which ones I liked and why and he talked about some of the things he liked. Then (even though it is 9p) he says he wants to go to the mall to get me something for him to wear for my surprise. He wanted me to go with him in the car, but I waited outside because he said he wanted it to be a surprise what he got until we got home and he had it on. On the way there he asked about if I just like the skirts and panites or if there were other things. I told him I wasn't clear if he was saying he wanted to try shoes, makeup, wigs, etc or what. I said if he wanted to go shoe shopping, I would take him. Or anything else for that matter. I think he wanted to try the shoes, but he said no to makeup and a wig. He wasn't definite on the shoes, but I left it open that we could go if he decided to.

Anyhow- he got a skirt and 3 pairs of panties- all of which he modeled for me. He first had on his tshirt, which I told him to take off because it didn't look right to have it on and I just wanted to see him model his surprise new clothes for me. I am still getting the questions about what I like and why. I think it is more for reassurance that I am okay. I told him that I thought he looked sexy and stop talking and kiss me. :happy: But I think he is definitely feeling more open and wants to talk about it a lot now. I am surprised by how much he does want to talk about it. When we are together he wants to talk about it a lot. I try to let him bring it up, which suddenly isn't an issue. :happy:

Show 50 post(s) from this thread on one page