Accepting but not participating. Rather indifferent.
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Accepting but not participating. Rather indifferent.
I feel for those of you whose wives aren't accepting. Even though mine is, there are times she has told me, it just feels repulsive to her.
Thank God it's not that frequent. I just wish I knew what to do or how to help.
I know sometimes she wishes for the masculine to come out (which it does, and we do). We do try to keep things balanced.
All I can do is help her through this as I don't dress 24/7.
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jessicaswife
My wife is the same. It's always a mistery. But every now and again, she will buy me something, and I think things are going in the right direction, then about face.
I guess all we can do is hope for the good times and keep an open line of communication. It works for us...especially when my wife gets a nice surprise for me.
-Gwen
My wife accepts me for who I am. Where she is at on the scale? I am still trying to figure that one out....lol.
My wife has come a loooooonnngg way.
My wife is "over my dead body." :(
My wife knew before we were married as my dear mother told her and show her photo's of her daughter. But to the question, well at first it was all fun and roses going out as two women and now after 49 years she doesn't care one way or the other as she just see me as Carol Ann everyday. No she no longer goes out with me as she saids we are to old to be doing this and the fun in it is all gone so Carol goes out by herself anymore. For what it's worth the fun is still there everytime I step out the door in heels and looking my best.
My wife knows I like to dress but I do it when she is away because it doesn't really do anything for her. When we go on holiday she is Ok with me wearing my small bikinis on the beach. She supports my laser hair removal (likes me smooth). I could dress around her - maybe will some day
Hi Julie, It's a DADT thing with my wife.
my wife loves it, anything in private , she shops for me,and i do the housework
My Girlfriend was reserved but accepting at first ( a few weeks ago) , But read up more on the subject , and even found a few articles that brought her around to helping me shop and contribute ideas to improving my passability ... http://www.gendertree.com/Helping%20...%20Dresers.htm and http://differentspirits.hubpages.com...aling-With-Him It feels so good to have support !
Those are some good articles, Danielle.
On Thursday, when we were talking about plans for this weekend, I asked my wife if we could spend some time together to talk about my wearing women's clothes. She knows, we've had brief discussions in the past, but I think now is a good time for further discussion.
Thanks to this place, and articles like what you posted, I have a better understanding of who I am, and will be able to assuage some of the fears she's expressed in the past. We'll see.
Totally unaccepting. I'm one of those terrible people who tried to keep it secret. Two years ago she found out that I was on this site and asked me why. I told her the truth- I'm a cross dresser and have been since I was very young, long before her and that it has nothing to do with her. It rocked her world and her feelings towards me. I think she would have left me if not for the children. It ruined our relationship and she has never looked at me the same. She investigated cross dressing and discovered that I'm probably not gay (as she at first thought), that it will probably never stop and that there's no therapy that will stop my need to dress. Her biggest problem is that I didn't tell her and give her the chance to decide if she wanted to continue our relationship once she knew about my secret. I love her more than anything and will do anything to save our relationship but I cannot deny that I am and always will be a crossdresser.
Accepting...she'll ask me why I am not dressing up or when are you going to dess-up agin ?
She'll sometimes tell me or inspire me t get dressed.
She does my nails and toe nails sometimes and help me with my make-up and buys me clothes, under wear, shoes, make-up
and jewelry.
Sometimes she'll come home and tell me about someting she's seen that I might like or will suite me.
But...I am still not sure how she "REALY" feels about it deep inside....
Coutniegh?
That sounds very familiar! My wife enjoys it, shops for me ( she likes the surprises) and what not. It's just that sometimes it turns her off
because she feels less lady-like. I understand her thoughts for the most part...it is still a hard concept to grasp when we have very open communication,
and I've tried everything under the sun to get her back to the point of feeling like a woman. Is there such a thing as two alpha females when one is her husband?
If so, how do we find a valance?
-Gwen
My wife knows but doesn't want any part of it. She doesn't want to know what I do or when I do it. She has a come a ways with accepting that I am a cd but when she found out that I have been out dressed she wasn't happy at all. I am hoping that in time she will be accepting enough to let me go out with fellow crossdressers or a good female friend.
My wife used to be involved and enjoy ,she would shop for the things i needed and so on. One day she did a back flip now she knows but wants nothing i mean nothing to do with it, she gets all mad when she see my dress ans skirts hanging in the closet, she used to make me dress be for sex now if i even say anything about it she goes and sleeps on the couch. I don't understand her at all.
mine accepting and participating but there are still some boundries , like all good relationships it's still a work in progress :-) . we were always very close but since i became completely honest (i said it was into dressin up for a long time) we have become even closer .
My wife hates me and Marsha
UPDATE: We talked this morning. I led off by saying: "I assume you've noticed that I've been wearing more girl clothes lately."Quote:
Originally Posted by MonicaCD
She said, "Well, yeah. What's up with that?" I told her that it was just a part of me, that it was something that is relaxing and makes me comfortable, that I've been doing it on and off since I was a boy, and that I just wanted to be open with her about it. I reiterated (we had a similar discussion years ago) that I had no desire to undergo transformation and that it wasn't a gay thing.
To paraphrase her response: She's accepting but not encouraging; she doesn't completely understand why, but knows it's part of who I am; and she doesn't want to be embarrassed.
Baby steps, but it's progress, and the lines of communication are still open.
My wife knows and is somewhat accepting, but stuggles with a few things. Hopefully we can work through it (see my own posts for more details)
My wife knows but not to what extent. I was too afraid to tell her until recently and it's been a roller coaster since. She currently is accepting and participating only for me. She has no interest in me dressing.
Currently-
I usually walk around ,when the kids aren't around, and sleep in a tshirt/panties and ballet slippers (The slippers are COMFY!!). If it's cold, im generally in leggings or footless tights.
We had sex while i was in a Dorothy costume once, but that was after a quite a few Jager shots. I asked her about wearing corsets, babydolls, bra's and she is a no. Mainly because it's "weird" to her. She is an awesome and supporting wife in every other way except that point. Since "Dressing to the 9's" (or 7's cause no wig or makeup) is mainly a sexual thing for me, it has unfortunately hampered our sex life. No, i'm not being selfish, I always meet her needs first than mine, (well except for the occasional bar bathroom or back of the truck quickie) and do it exactly like she wants it, but she is very structured, we have a list for everything.
Ex Wife:
Very very pro, do it all, she wanted me in girl mode all the time, the downside was she was very domineering, selfish and a crap parent. (I have full custody of the ex'es and my two kids) So the end didn't justify the means.
I told my wife last year I think, and bring it up every so often. While she's not a resounding no, she hasn't said yes either. She has two aspiring goals in her life right now and I am helping her to achieve these. Once those are met, I'll bring it up again, this way everything she wants and needs are met, leaving just the same likewise :-) (I know it sounds selfish, it's just coincidental though.
Jennialy...ending up with custody of the kids IS a huge win! I think that we are selfish in our endeavors, but when it comes to kids, we really need to do what is right for them and do our thing aside from that.
I hope this doesn't upset you...I would love to have the vest of both worlds like each of your SO's.
Trust me, I LOVE to dress as much as possible, even aside from sex, but our children are first and foremost.
-Gwen
Thank you!
No offense taken, I hung around so long because my inner girl was being very satisfied and ignored what the rest of me knew what was right.
Accepting but not participating. Also not enthusiastic by any means....
Di
I am reluctant to speak that way about my wife but, damnit, it is true.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tess
I like dressing but I want to be alone. I do theater, so having make up around the house isn't a big deal. I have leg issues, so panty hose is fine, since it helps and has been prescribed by a doctor.
This is what I do when alone because I wish I wasn't. With her, I'm happy being the boy with some feminine sense, perhaps a little bit eccentric. She likes that in me. I'm a pleaser.
I don't know if this helps anyone else, but we started seeing a therapist a few months back and she gave me some thoughts. My wife has been to see her twice, we have not been together yet. One of the things the doc suggested was marriage is full of compromises, and even though I can't make her love the girl side, I can help her see it as at least kind of a good thing if I work at it. I've been trying to do more stuff around the house for her without making a big deal about it, trying to listen better, and just doing small things I wouldn't ordinarily do that I know she appreciates. In my case it seems to help. Even though she is back and forth (and a lot of that seems to be due to outside stressors too) I think things are getting better. I see her making more of an effort at other things too, especially not giving me a hard time when I get home from work and trying to focus more on "us time" when she can.
Hey, Gang!
I found this thread very interesting, since it was an opportunity for members to say how they feel about their relationships insofar as they affect their CDing. A lot of people may be aware that I personally prefer evidence to speculation and hard evidence to the flimsy sort. So I've gone through this thread and at this point, since the thread seems to be pretty well played out, attempted to quantify what people are saying.
We all know about the pitfalls that statistics present. So I'm fully aware that the evidence I'm presenting here isn't nearly as hard as I'd like it to be. But you do the best you can.
There were a total of 113 replies. These I grouped under five categories:
[1] The situation couldn't be worse. Perhaps the member's SO is still in the dark, perhaps she's vehemently opposed to the member's dressing, perhaps they've split up over the question, that sort of thing.
[2] I considered a DADT situation to be a good yardstick.
[3] In the middle. (Duh!)
[4] I considered, "Accepting but not participating" to be a good yardstick.
[5] The situation couldn't be better. The member is totally happy with the SO's handling of the situation.
These categories are of course subjective, as was the manner I went about classifying people's replies. Furthermore, I rated a reply according to the member's subjective feeling about the situation, not according to the situation itself. That is, A and B might be in a very similar situation, but A seemed happier about things than B. Therefore A would get a higher rating than B.
Finally, I would adjust a rating where it seemed appropriate. E.g., a member might be in a generally DADT situation, but might say something that made the situation appear to be a bit more positive than a 2. So I'd bump it up to a 3.
In other words, my whole procedure here was very subjective. If someone else wants to have a go at it, they might come up with results quite different from mine. If you feel like having a go, be my guest. I won't complain.
Anyway, things panned out like this:
Category 1 = 15
Category 2 = 18
Category 3 = 24
Category 4 = 18
Category 5 = 38.
These results are largely positive. Note that the largest category is 5, while category 1 is the smallest. (Could this be because those who are happiest about their situation are more eager to talk about it?) The average score here is 3.41, which is a bit on the plus side.
So we can conclude that when we consider the situation of a transperson in a relationship, on the whole there are more positives than negatives to report.
Best wishes, Annabelle
That's an interesting analysis Annabelle. I didn't respond to your survey (to avoid being negative) but would have put me at a 1. This perhaps confirms your conclusion why the outcome was more positive.Quote:
Originally Posted by Annabelle Larousse
Aye, well, this wasn't my survey. It was Julie Marie's thread. She was the inspiration. I merely did the dirty work. This seems to be a theme in my life.:sad:Quote:
Originally Posted by Michelle (Oz)
I lost track of the thread and did not respond, but I fall into the 1. It is certainly likely this is a study with a biased subset, but considering that, about equal parts 1-4 and double that for the wonderful 5
My wife is accepting and participates by helping me shop and doing makeup. I consider myself vey lucky
Similar to my experience. Wife came home unexpectedly, discovered me dressed. I swore off dressing, was drawn back after a year and a half. Back to dressing on more limited basis in secret ...Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanne Curl
I would have to say. About 65% " A participant " and 35% an initiator.Quote:
Originally Posted by julie marie1
She didn't start me on this path. But she has known since the very start of our relationship. That said. She does vocally get annoyed and worried about me when there are long stretches none dress.
I'm a 1. Perhaps a minus 1
my wife didn't' kick me out so I guess we're doing good since she found the pics back around 2008. She asks that I don't dress in front of her or the kids and only knows where my panties, tights and pantyhose are in the house. She doesn't want to find the heels, dresses, skirts, etc. and she has no interest in seeing me dressed fem
the old saying burying the hatchet, well my wife would like to bury it in me. shes like a woman scorned.
she's ok with it now it just takes time
She's aware, but we live in DADT.
My wife knows I dress and understands to a certain degree.She lets me wear her panties sometimes.I think she would prefer it if I stopped.I actually told her early on in our relationship but I guess out of sight out of mind.Now I'm getting older and bolder my fem side is beginning to surface a bit more.Guess well have to see.
It has been enlightening to read the many responses to my question. I must agree with Annabelle that statistically the sample of replies has not been random. It is nice to know that some of you have supportive spouses. My wife and I love each other very much, but my being a crossdresser is something she can not deal with. When we were much younger she would occasionally participate. After awhile the crossdressing disappeared for several years. When it resurfaced she just wanted it to go away, to be in the past. Her anger, I think, is really related to an unexpressed (and maybe not well understood) fear. Admittedly, I am uncertain myself as to how well I have dealt with it over the years. While many times being unable, or unwilling, to deny the urge to get dressed, I have at the same time weird or abnormal for wanting to do so. Often feeling very alone, since sharing the experience had uncertain consequences. It is nice to have a site like this where I can begin to understand myself a bit better in the bigger picture
My SO knows but prefers not to see me dressed at all. It really bothers her.
My wife has known since before we were married. Though the concept that it's more than a sexual kick has only recently dawned on her. (After 20 years)
She accepts just fine. Obviously, NOT in front of our little one, but just her, she seems not bothered at all. If it interfered on our time it might bother her, but the act itslef is fairly transparent to her. We can hang out all day, no problem, though that RARELY happens. She has OK'd branching into a support group.
So I guess that outs me in the lucky 5! Maybe 41/2 as she will NOT be going anywhere with me dressed, but who can blame her. We have a mask of sorts, they don't.
i fall into your unusual cases category. i mentioned to her in conversation that i had worn panties in the past on a couple of occasions, and she didn't seem to question it much.
so she surprised me with a corset and stockings, then put drab clothes over that and took me out for drinks and dinner. i don't remember dinner....
The spectrum is complex. She purchased my first nylon nightgown, allows panties. We sleep in nice nightgowns almost every night. She was not happy with my clean shaved face, but it was grey-to white, looking too old. The rest is DADT.
I don't look for any change, but she is a "keeper". I respect her fear of being embarrassed.
My wife is accepting but not participating. And for now I'm okay with that.
I am bleeds to be with a wife who not only accepts, but encourages me to dress.
My wife is in the dark. Only my parents found out (not accepting though) once or twice. I did confide in someone who thought it was wrong and I needed help. If my wife found out it would be game over for the marriage. The only positive thing is that we have separate time away from each other one evening a week to pursue our own activities - she goes out, I have the house to myself for nearly four hours. Plenty of time to get dressed, grab a glass and relax. Generally for me anyone finding out is a negative. Glad many on here have positive experiences, doubt that would be the case for me.