Paula, I hope that you are resting comfortably at home now!
Hugs, Bria
Printable View
Paula, I hope that you are resting comfortably at home now!
Hugs, Bria
Congratulations, your in good hands with Marci and Robyn
My first week back was pretty rough. I had a lot of visitors, including the lovely Ashley from here on the forum, which was wonderful, really. But I was tired all the time.
I went to my primary care physician yesterday, so she could check out my wound separation. Its slowly healing, but yeah, I have a 4cm deep hole beneath my vagina. It should heal up without a skin graft in a couple of months, but I wanted to have my local doc have seen it in person BEFORE anything goes wrong, it becomes infected, etc.
Hopefully nothing goes wrong. Probably it will be fine. But I think its good to have a local doc on board, just in case, even if she winds up annoying Marci with questions. My doc was a little freaked out by what she saw, although so far, everything is healthy. I felt a little better about my own reaction after seeing hers.
I'm feeling better this week, although I sometimes am in enough pain to still need a percocet. I tire really easily, 5 pm yesterday, I had to lay down for a nap. I just ran out of gas. I'd worked my job some, gone to the doctor, and had lunch with a friend who lives 1 block from my doctor. Not a hard day, but it wiped me out.
the exhaustion afterwards can be pretty rough..
i had a similar issue and it went away...the scab was pretty gross tho
Congrats Paula I hope what you have given to others is returned to you in a speedy recovery.
I'm healing up really well, according to my local doc. She worries about infection, but the area where the suturing separated and the wound opened up seems to be healing very rapidly, and from the inside out - which is what she wants.
I'm still tired all the time, although it's better each day. When I run out of gas though, wow, I just collapse and sleep!
I think the hardest thing I face is trying to keep the demands of my real life in check. There is only so much I can do in a day, before I'm exhausted.
That's so wonderful, I'm just so happy for you, I'm glad you can finally be yourself.
That's great news, Paula! Glad to hear you're doing well, just don't overdo it.
Hugs,
Leah
Excellent Paula! Thanks for the update. Glad to see that things are progressing as they should. And yes, take it easy.....all in good time. Don't overdo it.
Be well.
Erin
Glad you are healing! Will you be coming back to the Bay Area any time soon? Sorry I didn't get to see you again.
Suzanne
Thanks everyone!
Suzanne, I'm really sorry I didn't feel up to getting together again. Surgery took a lot more out of me than I'd imagined.
I'm really very happy for you - I went back into my pm file to check on it - two years ago you were worried about getting your ears pierced, now look at what you've done :)
@rachael.davis - yes, once I stopped trying to please other people, and started doing what I needed to do to save my life, this all got easier. I can honestly say that I couldn't imagine my life today two years ago.
I'm having some problems with one of my breast implants. The surgical incision has opened up on one side, and seems to be having difficulty healing. I was told by Dr. Beck that if the implant extruded from the incision, they'd have to remove the implant with emergency surgery.
I went to a local surgeon last week at Dr Beck's recommendation, and he told me that hasn't happened. That's a relief, but I'm still really worried because the wound seems to be getting worse.
Paula I am really really rooting for you to get through this part of it..
the exhuastion is rough enough and hopefully you can acknowledge its real, be patient and rest as best you can.... i hope this complication gets better soon...i had some incision related issues too...it all worked out but it was no fun.
I wish you well and speedily at that. Hang in there.
If it is getting worse don't back off until it is fixed. Incisions opening at this point is no joke.
Paula;
All I can say is wishing you well and you are in my thoughts.
Be well Paula. We need women like you out there making a difference.
I'm at your virtual bedside.
Cheers... Jennifer
Paula
Sorry to hear you are having complications. Get better, that is an order!
Suzanne
Paula, I'm sorry to hear of the complications, I hope that you get past them soon.
Hugs, Bria
Thanks y'all!
I sent a photo to Dr. Beck yesterday, and he suggested that the issue might be a dissolvable suture that hadn't dissolved, and was instead being rejected by my body and thus inhibiting normal healing. So I went in to see a local plastic surgeon, and sure enough, they found a couple of sutures in the open part of the incision that were causing the problem. So I'm hopeful that I'll start to heal more quickly now.
Apparently in some people (this isn't super common, but it can happen), the dissolvable sutures that they often use now are rejected by the body more quickly than they can be dissolved, impairing healing. The signs are a wound that isn't healing properly, and is irritated, but not red and streaky or feverish (those indicate infection instead). Anyway, something to watch out for with any surgical procedure you might have now. They may have mentioned this to me a couple of months ago, but with all the pain and pain meds, I don't remember. I don't think they did - but who knows?
On a related note, I also discovered that I'm apparently allergic to bandaids - at least the cloth ones from J&J. (I had one on my other incision, and my skin is really itchy now!) I'm not sure if it's the latex, or the adhesive. (These weren't latex bandaids, they were cloth, but they aren't entirely latex free.) I'm thinking the adhesive, mostly because I have a fair amount of experience with exposure to latex, and have never noticed a problem before. And, um, as my boyfriend pointed out, I would have definitely noticed this problem...
I mention that because I was apparently allergic to one of the medications they gave me post-op. Probably the Keflex, but possibly the blood thinner (the first and worst rash was around the injection site of that drug, but I had rashes all over me, so it's hard to tell.) These are the first allergic reactions I've had to medical products in 48 years - since I was a very small child. (When I was a kid, they used to use cat gut for suturing material. Unfortunately, I'm highly, highly allergic to that stuff, and it very nearly killed me.) Weird stuff happens sometimes with major surgery, I guess.
I just read your thread. I live in the Bay Area. Unfortunately, I couldn't get even close to Marci Bowers since she seems to be overloaded with surgery requests. My friend had a consult over a year ago and still hasn't even gotten a date yet which could be up to 2 years. Of course, if one offered cash, sadly I would suspect one would be able to accelerate their timetable. Anyhow, I have a consult with Dr. Satterwhite in Marin. He is gladly taking Marci's and Toby's overflow and has dates that are only months out after consult. Satterwhite is really rising in popularity around here and maybe the country. We actually need more doctors to do this surgery. I mean, when you go in for heart surgery, you kind of get who you get. I know this is more cosmetic in nature and a specialty, but still, we can't have 2 or 3 year waits for surgery for a community who is prone to bad things happening when dysphoria sets in hard. I wonder what your path was to be able to go to Marci. How long from the consult till the date? How many weeks post are you and are you back to work yet? I worry about how much time off I will need and how to pay for that.
Paula, I hope it will be clear sailing for you now.
:) Lallie
I paid $1000 to get on the waiting / cancellation list.Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlieAmanda
Yeah, he has a good reputation.Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlieAmanda
I only met with Marci for a consultation (I live out of state) a few days before surgery.Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlieAmanda
I got on the waiting list on 10/22/14, expected surgery date February 2016 - about 16 months. On 12/23/14, I was notified that someone had cancelled, and I could get surgery in Feb 2015. I declined that date, for several reasons. On July 20, 2015, I received another notification from Dr. Bowers' office that another cancellation slot had opened, and I could get surgery on September 4, 2015 - which I accepted.
So from the time I applied to my surgery date was ~10 months, because of cancellations. It could've been as soon as 4 months, had I taken the first cancellation slot I was offered.
I'll be 9 weeks post-op on Friday. I'm back at work. I've been fairly effective at work for the past 2-3 weeks. I tried going back to work at about 2 weeks post-op. I'm a programmer, I sit at a desk, how hard could it be? Well, it turns out, it was really hard. I grossly underestimated how tired I'd be, and the amount of pain I'd be in. (Turns out, in this one instance, having a job where you sit down all day wasn't an advantage at all.) I was exhausted most of the time, and the first couple of weeks post-op, I slept a LOT. Not just "Oh a nap would be nice", but bone tired "I'm going to collapse onto the floor if I don't sleep NOW" exhaustion. I've never experienced such a thing in all my life.
I'd expect to be off work at least 4-6 weeks, depending on what you do, how your body recovers, your pain level, etc. This could be longer if you have complications, or you just don't heal as quickly. It's impossible to predict. I have talked to women who had much less pain, and recovered a lot faster than I have. At 6 weeks, I was only sort of functional. Even now, 9 weeks out, I'm still not at 100%.
Again, my recovery is worse than some others. I know others who've had still a worse time than I had, and some who've had a much easier time than I have.
Update - the wound separation is mostly healed, but I'm worried that I have another complication. I don't seem to have a clitoris - or rather it's buried under my skin and completely unexposed. Looking around down there with a mirror, basically at the very top of my vaginal opening is my urethra - there doesn't seem to be anything else there. Feeling around, the only part with any sensitivity is buried under my skin, maybe 1/4" above the top of of my vagina. It almost seems like it's buried under scar tissue.
I am worried I may need a labiaplasty, since there is very little sensation down there, and the part that feels sensitive isn't exposed at all.
Anyone have a complication like this?
I talked with Dr. Bowers today. I'll need a revision, so in a few months, I'll have to travel to California again. This time I'll probably go alone.
I'm depressed about this far more than I really should be. I had horrible dysphoric nightmares last night. I have had a couple of episodes that remind me a lot of how I felt two and a half years ago. I'm trying to fight this - it can't possibly be as bad as it was back then, but having the feelings come back after being absent for three months was a nasty surprise.
With all the pain and other complications I had from the original surgery, I'm really worried about the revision, although I know it's minor. I really needed this to be over with. I'm pretty crushed that it isn't. I dread having another procedure done, but I feel even worse about things not being right with my vagina. I'm also really worried I won't be able to achieve orgasms even after the revision. I know the odds are it'll be fine, but my experience so far has been very different than what I was lead to expect.
I feel a lot of shame about this. I know that doesn't make sense.
I'm also afraid about keeping my relationship going with no sex for another half year, or how I'll feel about sex if I keep doing what I can to make him happy, but deriving little pleasure from it myself. I don't think we'll make it, frankly. The idea of no sex for another half year is pretty depressing to me too - I have a high sex drive, and not much I can do about it for a while. It's really frustrating.
Mostly, though, I feel shame, like I've failed somehow, like I'm a fraud.
I don't feel like I can talk about this locally. As my boyfriend points out, I'm a leader I have to show strength. But pretending to be happy when I'm scared and feel terrible is a lot like the way I used to live.
Paula, I am so sorry. You certainly are not a fraud. You had an unfortunate outcome, but you are able to go in for a corrective procedure. I know the wait sucks, but you waited to get here and even though you shouldn't have to, you will get through this. Keep talking through this and you will get there.
Well this time, make sure you spend a night hanging out with me and the roomie.
You'll be able to forget all about your problems while you're arguing with me.
Paula, I'm really sorry to read about these complications and how they are making you feel. You have no reason to feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong.
I have to take issue, though, with what your boyfriend seems to me to be saying. If you are regarded as a leader, then you can show strength by not hiding these problems from those around you. It is not strength to pretend nothing is wrong. A true leader will admit to those she leads that there are difficulties and will show them by example how to cope. That includes letting them see your endurance.
Pretending to be happy when you are scared is the exact opposite of leadership. How can someone trust a leader who lies to them?
I would prefer for you that everything had gone well and I certainly hope that the revision has the outcome you desire.
Paula,
I am sad to hear about this complication. Please know I am available to help in any way when you return to California. I will be glad to go to the appointment with you if needed. Just let me know what you need.
Suzanne
You're in my thoughts, Paula.
:) Lallie
Paula,
Let me know if you want to talk. You know how to get ahold of me. So sorry the saga continues.
I'll be down for more electro fun next Tuesday night, the 8th, if you are interested in our traditional dinner.
Anything you need let me know.
I'm over myself today. Yes, I had a bad night Thursday night as the reality that I'd most likely need a revision sank in. I was pretty dysphoric, and that persisted most of yesterday. There are a LOT worse complications than the ones I've experienced. Yeah, this sucks, but it's not the end of the world. It's fairly minor, really. Annoying - exceedingly annoying, but it should be minor. I've finally calmed down, and realized that I'd already emotionally prepared myself for the worst case - something going wrong and discovering that I either couldn't have sex, or got no pleasurable sensations from it. My boyfriend and I had talked about this before hand, and we talked about it again today - we'd find some type of a workaround. He wouldn't let something like that damage our relationship, and neither would I. There's always a way around things. We both told each other that when we started our relationship, and it's still true. There is always a workaround.
And it's really unlikely it'll come to that. I'll be really sexually frustrated by the time I get the revision and heal up from it, but I'll live.
Anyway, I'm fine. I'm not ashamed, and I certainly still feel like a woman. It'd have been neat for the one stage procedure to work. It didn't, but at this point, I'm really no worse off than women who go to surgeons who do two stage procedures.
Part of the problems I've had emotionally with all of this is that I am the type of patient who needs to have their expectations managed. There are some people, like my boyfriend, who will worry incessantly that they are experiencing any and every symptom or condition that if the doctor tells them about even if it's terribly unlikely. Someone like that, telling them less is a mercy. Unfortunately, I'm not that type of person. If you tell me what to expect, I expect that to happen, or I go totally off the rails. If you tell me a range of possibilities, from best to worst case, I'm fine with that - I'll notice what's happening, and I may be annoyed if things don't go the best, but I won't panic. So I expected this would go off without a hitch, with minimal pain, and be a "one and done" type of surgery. I know plenty of women who had that experience. Unfortunately, wasn't my experience. Since I just hadn't talked to anyone who'd had the type of experience I've had, I got really upset and panicked.
I completely agree with you Rianna. Thanks! I'll talk about this locally.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rianna Humble
LOL! Much love to you, Misty! I had wanted to visit you when I was out there for surgery. I figured I could do it towards the end of my post-op stay. I really overestimated how good I was going to feel post-op. I had thought "it'll be a bit of a stretch, but I'll walk around San Francisco a bit." The reality was more like "it'll be a bit of a stretch, but I'll walk from the shower to the bed now!" I'll definitely visit you upon my return. <3 :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Badtranny
Thanks Suzanne, I'll let you know when I know it's going to happen, and I may well need a ride. I'm thinking about going alone this time. I love my mom and my sister, they have been wonderful, supportive and generally amazing during my transition. And I loved it that they went with me for my surgery - they were really sweet. But I think my sister's health isn't where it needs to be to watch over me, and my mom, bless her heart, just isn't great when things are stressful. (I would be the one providing the stress...)Quote:
Originally Posted by Suzanne F
Paula;
Dispite a few setbacks I think you've done incredibly well. I feel for you and your day to day challenges and your desire to heal and move on. Your candor regarding your experience has been very helpful for me looking forward.
As a fellow tech I get the whole understanding the options and alternatives our analytical minds can drive us nuts sometimes as we sort through issues, weight the options based on known parameters, and deal with the potential outcomes possible.
I continue to wish you the best, know you are in good hands and all will work itself out in due course.
Best wishes... Jennifer
I checked with Dr. Bowers office. I need to send them $1000 to get on the waiting list, and I'll have an 8 month wait for the revision. It'll cost me a total of $5000, plus airfare & hotel. It's not clear that my insurance will cover the revision at all. We'll see.
So basically over a year from the date of GRS before I'll find out whether or not sex works well for me or not. I am going to be so frustrated. Also, my boyfriend is making serious marriage noises. (He's talking spring.) I wonder if that's a good idea to do, not knowing whether or not sex will work for me with him. If it doesn't, I'll lose interest in it with him. I mean I'll do stuff, but he'll figure out sooner or later that I'm not getting much. There's other stuff I can do, but unfortunately not with him. Which is really a pity. He's not wired that way.
When I'm having sex with him now, what I get is really mild and pretty unsatisfying. I feel like I'm letting him down.
I guess we'll see if my relationships survives this, particularly with my guy. A year is a long time to fake it. I know some women do that all the time, but I don't see myself doing that.
Heh, this could really turn into a disaster. I'm moving in with him soon, and if things don't work out, I won't have a place to go, furniture, anything. I'd delay this all until next year after the revision, but I have already given notice on my condo, and have to leave it soon.
Yeah, this has the makings of an epic disaster for me. I'm kind of betting the farm on this relationship. It's not that I need him to support me, I make a lot more than he does. But I am in the process of getting rid of just about everything I own - furnishings, old kitchen stuff, etc. I'm moving in to his place, so if he gets frustrated with me, I'd be the one to leave. So I'd move into someplace empty, set up my computer, and buy a bed.
I mean, we might be OK, but our relationship is sort of predicated on having a lot of really good sex. Having that go away early on is a pretty big challenge to the relationship.
Yeah, this could totally blow up on me. Well, not much I can do about it now. I don't have to move in with him and then marry him, but I can't stay here.
I think I'm probably in trouble. Let's hope we can limp along some how, and that the revision fixes things, and we still exist as a couple by the time it does. That seems like a lot of stuff to count on going right.
Wonder if I can get into another surgeon sooner? I worry about having someone else follow up on her work. Maybe I could get it done before I'm married, or something idiotic like that. That would lessen the blow a little bit if it doesn't work out.
Faking it is starting to sound better...
Paula
That scares me that you have to pay for the revision? Was there error on her part? What about having a skype like consult with someone like Dr Satterwhite?
Suzanne
I'm assuming that he understands the nature of the surgery you had, and the timeline/nature of the one you're trying to arrange now. Given that, maybe this statement isn't as true as your think it is?Quote:
Originally Posted by PaulaQ
Hi Paula....
Sorry to learn about all of this....that sucks....
Just a thought....have you told him any of this???
Ok, I'm booked for August 4, 2016. That could change I'm told, but that's what I'm looking at now. I paid my $1000 deposit. Yay.
Not much choice, really, I believe I probably will want to have a clitoris.
As for my boyfriend, we've talked about this some. He's willing to take a risk on me. All I can really think to do is try to figure out how to have a good time with what I've got now, hopefully finding something that works for me when we have sex. Hopefully before he marries me. I am scared about starting the marriage with a sex problem. We have a mixed orientation marriage - that's problem enough already. I don't want to add another problem on top of that.
Look, I know how shallow this has to seem. I spent my last marriage sexually frustrated. I just can't live that way again.
I'll keep working on it. I'll have to masturbate, try toys, figure out what, if anything will get me there. This is hard for me, I stopped enjoying masturbation during the worst part of my gender dysphoria. The desire to do it has never returned. I don't enjoy it, it brings back horrible memories. (I know - only I would have a ridiculous problem like this.) I have plenty of sex drive, I just don't masturbate. Between my physical and psychological issues with it, I'm not sure I can get there on my own. :/
I'm sorry I'm stressing over this so much. I'm dreading getting the revision. My experience with GRS so far has been really unpleasant. I'm scared something else will go wrong.
Paula dont be sorry.. feel however you feel..its totally ok...
but also be good to yourself....
I can say that in my experience a feeling of major let down after surgery is super common... and i had post op blues for quite some time..
i'm not downplaying anything, i'm just saying it to make sure you don't feel you are somehow inadequate..you are not.
add to that the very real complication you experienced and the issues about how its going to resolve and you have the setup for feeling bad.... but you are strong and thoughtful and sharing your story empowers you to stay on track and make certain that the benefits of the surgery are still foremost in your mind...
you've got woman problems, they are meaningful problems and you are working to solve them, its a hard truth as it says in your tag line...
....i hope you can have really good days really really soon
I tried penetrative sex from my boyfriend. It was a disaster. I basically couldn't feel it. I got a little sensation from my prostate, but otherwise couldn't even tell when he was in.
This was a pretty big blow to his ego. We made it worse by trying again tonight. I fell asleep during foreplay - I felt nothing.
We talked all of this out, he assures me he's fine waiting as long as it takes.
I wonder if that's true though. He is already noticing that I have more fun with my girlfriend than I do with him right now. It's not that she can do much for me sexually either. But she and I do kink stuff that he's not interested in, and I domme her, so there isn't nearly the pressure on me to receive sensations. He's vanilla, and a too, so there's lots of pressure on me to orgasm. He gets a lot off my reactions - but I don't have any. I can't feel most of what he does right now. I'm happy to do stuff for him, but there's nothing in it for me, and that bothers him.
You are an inspiration and hero to many of us on this site. Your frankness about your GRS is refreshing.
You must remember you have had major surgery. Regarding feeling and sensation in your in new vagina, it make take several months before nerves start to grow into that area. Over time you should see an improvement. That coming from a person who has had several injuries that affect nerves.
Keep smiling and trying.
Will throw in a medical opinion here that essentially agrees with Jennifer. Nerve regeneration varies from tissue to tissue. Although skin may have been moved to create new anatomy with the vascular supply preserved, the nerves will require some time to reconnect. Do not be surprised if it takes six months to a year. Sorry.