CDing keeps me faithful...not the other way around

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Originally Posted by Satrana

Large numbers of people settle for relationships which come nowhere close to these ideals but these arrangements work for them and they are happy to let things be. It lets them survive the tribulations of life.

People talk about the pursuit of happiness and yet it is clear many people are more interested in the pursuit of stability and conformity. I have seen many comments from GGs over the years who stated that they would rather their SO had never informed them of the CDing as they would have been happier remaining blissfully unaware. You can argue this is the wrong approach to life but that is how people actually think and behave and their wishes should be respected.

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I agree that large numbers of marriages don't reach their full potential. It takes a lot of courage to be honest and deal with issues when one or both partners either change or have different, unrealistic, or idealized expectations of one another. And it takes skill to deal with the issues and grow: the ability to communicate, listen, withhold judgment, negotiate, be flexible, and compromise. It takes a willingness and an ability to recognize our partners' limitations. If both partners trust there is complete honesty in their relationship, if love has not been eroded because of trust issues (dishonesty to self and the Other), in other words if there has not been an invisible elephant in the room for years, then couples are apt to be more willing to stretch or change in order to meet somewhere in the middle. There needs to be a mutual bond of love in order to accomplish this. And commitment. The old adage is true: you have to work hard and continuously at a marriage in order to keep it thriving and experience its full potential and benefits.

And yes, some people would much rather not face reality and seek to maintain a safe distance rather than risk bursting their bubble because they are afraid they cannot change. Both are afraid to move out of their comfort zones and they believe that if they do face the truth and deal with the issues, they will either be forced to give up something they believe is essential to their existence, or their failures to resolve the issues will result in divorce. So they seek stability and conformity, but how happy are they really? Which brings us to Doc's point:

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Originally Posted by docrobbysherry

It's because in SoCal, where I live, over 50% of marriages fail! And that doesn't count the many couples to stay together unhappily. Because of "the children", or financial reasons, or just don't want to deal with the hassles of divorce! Face it, living with someone your entire life in today's world, CAN BE DIFFICULT!:doh:

Many of those unhappy souls have affairs, CD, drink too much, and/or get involved in diversions that take them away from their unloved SO.

Since some of u, judging from many of the posts I've read, r in marriages like that, what is so SURPRISING about any of this?

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Or, they settle and maintain a safe distance without engaging in destructive behaviors, but they forego knowing what it is like to be truly connected with someone on all the levels (which in my view, brings with it a physical connection that is bliss). It is like being a CDer who does not experience the freedom and the pleasure to dress if he suppresses himself all his life by not facing and surmounting his fears.

In my view, true happiness in a relationship happens when partners reach an emotional intimacy with one another by accepting the self and being honest with the Other, and by accepting the Other's honesty too. All partners sense when there is a lack of honesty in the relationship. And difficulties arise when two people seek different levels of intimacy (honesty) with one another.

But, maybe I am being idealistic.
:love:

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Originally Posted by danam

One disclaimer (of sorts): I read the line about Romance novels being female porn in an article somewhere (so it is not an original thought) and I found it to be deliciously provocative and fascinating...and I couldn't resist the tempation to throw it out there. The fact that it elicits such a strong response means that it holds some truth. As I said before, if it was complete nonsense, it would have been ignored!

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Romance novels are surely fantasy - and having fantasies is not being unfaithful. Your dressing, however, is not just fantasy - it's also a physical reality?

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Originally Posted by danam

Yep, that is true. It is cheating. But, you know what? It is a heck of a lot less damaging than sleeping with another woman. Because society is very clear about the boundaries of marriage. Sleeping with another woman is wrong. But for crossdressing...that is subject to a wide variety of opinions. Is it wrong to be secretive and dream of the woman I created? Sure, it is a little wrong...but does it really compare to having a full-blown physical affair? There are some women who think so...and many others who realize that it is just another goofy thing that men do. Women do goofy things, too.

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If CDing is so much less of an infraction than having an affair, why don't you tell your SO about it then? If it's just a little "goofy thing", as you say. She would probably just laugh it off and say, "it's OK honey, I've got my romance novels!"

Anybody want to start a pool as to how this will turn out?

Sorry, I take offense at the "goofy thing" comment, what I do is a part of my me.

And, I truly believe every SO should know about the others Gender Identity. This is just so basic to a healthy relationship.

-Tracy

So many comments and thoughts...I can't respond to them all. But there is some wisdom here.

For those GGs who are mad at me, at least listen to this one thing:

It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong. But a man also has a drive that takes control sometimes, and causes him to do the wrong thing. Or--as is more often the case--fantasize about doing the wrong thing. This is an inner conflict that haunts us every freakin day. So please have some respect for that. We are built differently than women in this respect and this difference causes quite a lot of confusion and unintended consequences. For everyone involved.

The original thread is about how my desire to CD has satisfied some of my primal, male desires, and this has kept me from doing the wrong thing with other women in an overt, physical sense. Most of the comments here talk about the intimate side of the relationship, but very few comments talk about the intense physical needs of the male body. Our bodies (male vs female) are quite different in this regard. Please understand this.

For many of us, CDing provides an outlet for physical desires. And because it is very often "alone time", it is very confusing and ambiguous as to whether this really crosses the line in a traditional, male/female relationship. In an intimate sense, of course it is wrong to be secretive. But in a physical sense...is it? That is quite controversial.

I am comforted by the thought that I have not F-d up in a physical sense. Obviously I am not a perfect hubbie in the intimate sense, but in every other way, we have done a wonderful job of supporting each other through life's other challenges and rewards.

And please don't attack my credentials about knowing what a man wants versus what a female wants. We've all lived on this planet approximately the same amount of time. It's a level playing field for all of us.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

In my view, true happiness in a relationship happens when partners reach an EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
with one another by accepting the self and being honest with the Other, and by accepting the Other's honesty too. All partners sense when there is a lack of honesty in the relationship. And difficulties arise when two people seek different levels of intimacy (honesty) with one another.

But, maybe I am being idealistic.
:love:

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Most of us r seeking the "emotional intimacy" u mention. Most probably never find it. And some that do, lose it!:doh: I did!

THAT is exactly what I miss when I CD, and in my life! There is No emotion or intimacy involved when I dress! Occassionally, it's just the PHYSICAL SEX that Danam mentions.

If SO's could REALLY understand that, maybe they would feel differently about some of our CDing? Or, do they resent a man having his little private fantasy in the shower, too? It's VERY much the same for me! Maybe for Danam and many others, also?

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Originally Posted by ReineD

So they seek stability and conformity, but how happy are they really?

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That is the crux of the argument - that Dana and his wife are missing out on the potential for greater happiness. The thing about happiness is that it really is completely subjective, so maybe the question about levels of happiness should never be asked because it is undefinable.

Let me explain - if you think about how people could be happy living in conditions that we would think backward, maybe even deplorable, then trying to define what brings happiness becomes impossible. My thought is this - happiness is derived from comparing how you live to others around you. As long as you feel that you are getting as much out of life as your peers, then you feel happy. Our happiness is derived from our understanding of where we are situated in the hierarchy of society - the higher our status the better we feel about ourselves and the more likely our wants and desires are met by those around us who respond to our status. So long as our life is going the way we want it to go - the way we expect life to proceed then we consider ourselves happy.

Also if we are unaware that there are higher levels of happiness then we cannot be unhappy at not reaching them. A jungle native can be happy living off the land because he has never seen electricity, TV, hot running water etc so he does not desire these things so he does not experience unhappiness. He is not unhappy not having heart to heart discussions with his partner because no-one he knows does this. There really is happiness in blissful unawareness!

Which brings me back to the issue of cheating, pornography and romance novels. One of the driving forces behind cheating is the want to experience making love to others - the feeling that we are missing out on joyful experiences that others around us are chasing after with wild abandon. You do not need to be unhappy with your current relationship to cheat.

And the more you feel you are missing out on life the more unhappy you will be. So anything which promotes unrealistic expectations of relationships has the capacity to create resentment and unfilled desires which can only be met by consuming more pornography or romance novels etc.

And i would argue that romance novels have a greater potential to create these feelings as the reader is drawn into the story and can relate to the characters over an extended period of time whereas porn is pictures and is usually used as a temporary tool for sexual gratification so there is no meaningful connection made with the characters portrayed.

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Originally Posted by danam

For those GGs who are mad at me, at least listen to this one thing:

[SIZE="4"]It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong.[/SIZE]

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You have managed to upset more than just the GG's with your comments sweetie

you may be surprised but Woman actually are able to differentiate between what is right and what is wrong ................... heck even my 12 year old can :brolleyes:

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Originally Posted by danam

For those GGs who are mad at me, at least listen to this one thing:

It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong.

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This implies women dont know right from wrong :eek:

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Originally Posted by danam

please don't attack my credentials about knowing what a man wants versus what a female wants. We've all lived on this planet approximately the same amount of time. It's a level playing field for all of us.

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I think you missed the level playing field .........see previous comment

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Originally Posted by danam

For those GGs who are mad at me, at least listen to this one thing:
It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong. But a man also has a drive that takes control sometimes, and causes him to do the wrong thing. Or--as is more often the case--fantasize about doing the wrong thing. This is an inner conflict that haunts us every freakin day. So please have some respect for that. We are built differently than women in this respect and this difference causes quite a lot of confusion and unintended consequences. For everyone involved.
The original thread is about how my desire to CD has satisfied some of my primal, male desires, and this has kept me from doing the wrong thing with other women in an overt, physical sense. Most of the comments here talk about the intimate side of the relationship, but very few comments talk about the intense physical needs of the male body. Our bodies (male vs female) are quite different in this regard. Please understand this.

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Sigh.......................
then what about primal female desires?
AND aren’t we suppose to be further evolved than a chimp? Shouldn’t we be able to control our bodies through our minds and conscious decisions? Apparently not always.

I agree with Jess here. Love ,respect and intergrity, not CD'ing should be motivation enough to keep us true.
I won't comment on the secret thing, cause I'll only get myself in trouble by the mod.

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Originally Posted by kellycan27

I agree with Jess here. Love ,respect and intergrity, not CD'ing should be motivation enough to keep us true.

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I think everyone here feels that way, most have just addressed the other issues being discussed though and assumed this as a given.

I think we all know what its like to be tempted, as well as being cheated on.
I've been cheated on so many times I swore I'd never trust another woman, then I met my SO and just knew that I could:) Can't say my early picks were smart choices though either:doh:

I see what the OP is trying to say and rationalize but its only digging a deeper hole with alot here. Like I said, my advice is for the OP to drop the cd'ing for a day, have his SO put down the novels and re-ignite their relationship.

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Originally Posted by danam

It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong.

The original thread is about how my desire to CD has satisfied some of my primal, male desires, and this has kept me from doing the wrong thing with other women in an overt, physical sense.

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Just listen to yourself, keep digging that hole, you're making things worse, because now you sound like a neanderthal :rolleyes: Do women not have brains then? do we not know right from wrong? do we not have desires? should we take up knitting in the hope we don't stray? jeez... I'm so done with this thread, if you can't understand, the more you post, the more insulting you are becoming, then God help you. :wall:

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Originally Posted by danam

For those GGs who are mad at me

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:doh: Dana, trust me, it's not just the GGs who think you're being really dumb...

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It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong.

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That is just so offensive, I'm not going to even bother to answer..

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I am comforted by the thought that I have not F-d up in a physical sense.

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You think? Really? If it doesn't matter, explain it all to your partner...

:hiding:

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Originally Posted by danam

at least listen to this one thing:

It is difficult to be a man. Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong.

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This has to be the most stupid, sexist comment i've ever read anywhere

Are you for real or are you just trying to piss people off ???

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Originally Posted by danam

Because a man has a brain that knows what is right and wrong. But a man also has a drive that takes control sometimes, and causes him to do the wrong thing. Or--as is more often the case--fantasize about doing the wrong thing.

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Dana you might have gotten your point across less offensively had you put it this way:

"Although a man knows what is right and wrong, he also has a sex drive that can sometimes overpower him and can cause him to make wrong choices. Or, and IMO it is more often the case, he will fantasize about it."

But you did make a blanket statement implying that men in general feel this way. I do agree that GMs (generally speaking :hiding: although I am not sure how much of this applies to TGs) do look at sex differently than women. IMO they can separate the physical urges from emotional intimacy more easily than GGs, whereas for GGs (generally speaking :hiding:), sexuality is driven from a need to be emotionally intimate.

But GMs in successful relationships will know how to keep their physical desires from becoming fantasies so strong that they will get in the way of the GMs abilities to be emotionally and physically intimate with their wives. We all like to believe it is love and respect for one another that keeps each partner from straying, rather than a mere sense of duty or a strong urge to engage in other activities, be they porn, romance novels, or CDing ... or sports, booze, gambling, over-eating, shopping ... but I am being repetitive.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

Dana you might have gotten your point across less offensively had you put it this way:

"Although a man knows what is right and wrong, he also has a sex drive that can sometimes overpower him and can cause him to make wrong choices. Or, and IMO it is more often the case, he will fantasize about it."

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Thanks for coming to my assistance, there. That is what I meant. Wow, this has been quite an educational experience.

I thought I was pretty good at writing and getting my thoughts across, but wow, do people misinterpret things...I'm amazed. And exhausted.

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Originally Posted by danam

Thanks for coming to my assistance, there. That is what I meant.

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... but did you read the rest of my post?

[QUOTE=CD Tasha;1633259]You are right, no one knows your wife like you do. In the end it's only whether you are willing to continue hiding your stash and keeping a secret.

I thought totally the same about my wife, and didn't tell her for years and years, until I finally came to terms with myself and my CDing, then I couldn't keep it in anymore. It sure was a shock to her, but with the help of a couple of very informative and educational websites, things went better than I could have imagined.


well said by you Tash, my wife didn't know for 34 years & I regret not telling her years ago. When she found out, I was relieved because I was tired of hiding it. I wasn't having an affair either, but after awhile any secret from your SO gets to be stressful & no fun. She thought I was having an affair, and has for the most part accepted it.