Don't get too comfortable with that scenario.
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Don't get too comfortable with that scenario.
I'm definitely considering all possibilities and keeping myself prepared.
I will get flack for this but it must be said.
Don't get lulled into conversations with your soon to be ex-wife. She may be back peddling to make up ground that she lost with all the shenanigans. This is a HUGE deal in the court and thusly, don't communicate about the case or legal issues personally, but focus on the children. Let your lawyer do your positioning with your thoughts whilst you are giving them guidance.
Again, do not position yourself or make statements about what you want or don't want to your wife. Don't answer these e-mails or engage these conversations ever!!!!! Let your lawyer drive positioning because whatever you write or say now, can and will be used against you. From what I have gathered, she/family acted towards you in a rather hostile manner. If so, I can almost assure you, any kindness now is false or self-serving for her side. Her intentions, were clearly expressed before you sought a lawyer. Only you know if the comments were hateful...I don't want to go there...
At this time, the only communication I had with my ex, and it drove her nuts,was about the children. Keep them the sole focus... Focusing on the children gives you common ground about what is important and in my situation, helped de escalate some significant issues like you are experiencing. This is about being civil, not fighting in front of the children, not writing or saying A THING THAT YOU WOULD NOT MIND MENTIONED IN COURT OR DURING YOUR DEPOSITION.
Believe it or not, when possible show kindness. I know this is hard to imagine, but when you are irate, don't say anything. If you want to rage at her, use the 48 hour rule or pass by what you are going to say to your lawyer... by the 48 hour grace period, you will feel much different than you do when you want to rage.
If you can and need to record, do according to the laws in your state. Not to entrap, but to capture whatever issues are real vs. pretend during court / deposition. I did not record a thing in my situation because I eliminated the issues. If what they claim is not written down, or recorded, it is largely not proof (but you are obliged to tell the truth under the law). Let me tell you, when we went to court, THEY put THEIR OWN CAN OF WHOOP ASS, ON THEIR OWN CLAIMS, based on my actions, their actions and how we stayed clear of the trouble they did not.
I spent a small fortune (in my humble opinion) however, I was told that I was the ideal client, I have money (not much now...Ha), intelligent (debatable if you ask certain beautiful moderators - still dressing the wounds and applying meat to my face due to past reprimands) and always thought about positioning in court vs. the opposing side. In the end, the kids came out ahead and although people say and I tend to agree, that no one wins in a divorce, I came out as good or better than i planned. I came out with a fair result. IMPORTANTLY, if CD'ing is an issue in the court for some reason, your behavior, comments, communication and actions in front of the kids, should be in my opinion, flawless.
I want to state this again.......Don't do, write or say anything that YOU would not want to admit to in court. She will LIKELY manipulate you to makeup ground and back pedal if she is the primary breadwinner. Take what the court gives you, put it in a childs college fund, donate it to charity, battered woman's shelter or take your kids on the vacation you never went on. Better yet, let the court determine alimony/support and after all the documents are signed, you give back what you feel like. Or tell her to stop sending money however if there are issues you will request payment of money owed. If she gets out of line, ask her to start sending the checks. Hate to say it but to turn down money or support for any reason AT THIS POINT, although, I understand your point AND POSITION about not wanting to do this, is premature and ill advised. Don't be altruistic, I can assure you she VERY LIKELY spitting venom about you to her atty based on the events and now she knows she made some huge mistakes.
In the end, your kids should be the only focus for your efforts as they appear to be, until all the papers are signed. If this does not fit for any reason, throw it in the round file cabinet however, just ask your atty about what is being discussed. Although there may be a tweak here or there based on laws of your state, it is my hope that if you asked your lawyer (and get the best one you can) that this information would not be far off...
Sorry for the long, boring post.. I paid a lot for this advice and it paid off in spadesJust my thoughts. Now for the hate mail!
Vanny
What an interesting night: just to give an update if anyone is interested. When I got word that my step mom and dad, who are not so accepting, were coming up to help "my wife"; I immediately called and told them not to because they did not need to get involved. Well after stoping by the house after work, there they were. They were so worried and concerned about me that they decided to disregard my request. I tell you, for the next two hours, my step mom, my dad, and my wife were all making it seem like I'm the bad guy for the whole situation; that Im mentally unstable, that I can have whatever lifestyle, but I need to fix and work on myself for the sake of the kids. My parents having been drug addicts, even made the connection of wearing women's clothes, identifying as a women, hiding this from people, and denying and not accepting it; to that of an addict. And how an addict wants something so bad, that they will do anything to get it, no matter the consequences or at what cost. They even explained how being an addict not only destroys your life, but everyone else's around them. My wife was glad that they brought up that correlation for me. My step mom even began to cry at some point because of how I'm mistreating everyone, she wants what's best for me, and to work on myself because I'm unstable and not okay. I didn't say much, but when I did my wife would instantly say see see what I have to deal with.
Now, while this conversation is going on; my mother in law and my wife's cousin are in the other room, (my mother in law came in to check on things with my wife a few times), my kids are running all over the place, and my brother in law and his fiancé show up at some point.
When my brother in law showed up, my wife steps out and begins talking with her family in the other room in Spanish. While step mom is still tearing me down, I hear my brother in law talking very angrily in Spanish of course. At that point it was just getting way to much and it knew it was time for me to leave. When I walked outside my dad went with me and asked me what that was all about with my wife's family. As if I knew what they were talking about, which I should, but in the five years I have been with my wife I am still not fluent in Spanish.
In this marriage there lots of problems besides me keeping a secret about CDing and identifying myself as a women. That was just icing on the cake, but it is giving everyone involved in this crazy situation the okay to attack me and make me look like the bad guy.
Lord Billie,
What a mess...
We do care.
Vanny
Sometimes, I just want to run and hide under a rock, until it's all over and the dust settles. But, then I think about my son and daughter and that gives me the strength to stand up and keep moving forward.
If it means anything Billie, I did not go through what you did. Your situation was much worse than mine.
I am immensely pleased I am divorced but it saddens me. All those years..
I know I wanted to climb under a rock, but what I did was play a game with the whole deal. My mission everyday was to research all the information ASAP that my lawyer needed, organiZe it and strike first. It is war.
I have my whole life on discs and papers and all that work prepared me everyday to remain sane. I put my energy into proving that I would not stoop to their level, say mean thing (most challenging thing in my life) and to make sure I told the children every chance I could that they were not to blame for this and no one could ask for better children. That we both still loved them etc.
My point is I challenge fed myself to prepare as if I was at war with a competitor and it worked in helping my sanity and delivering a fair decision.
GOD speed to your issues Billie. My heart hurts for you and your children but please know that in the end all will be better and work out somehow.
You have to believe that I think or it is so depressing.
Vanny
Are your parents not aware of the hell your wife and her family have put you through to this point?
I try to explain my side, but my own father said that he believes my SO more then me.
I've been there before. My folks sided with my second wife, and it hurt. All you can do is show them the facts, the open hostility of her family while your folks were there, the fact you had to take out restraining orders.