Take it slow and talk to her, explain how you feel, why you didn't tell her before, get her to tell you all her concerns and worries and don't give her answers you think she wants to hear but be honest with her.
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Take it slow and talk to her, explain how you feel, why you didn't tell her before, get her to tell you all her concerns and worries and don't give her answers you think she wants to hear but be honest with her.
Gretchen,
So sorry to hear that it all went south after such a hopeful beginning. I think you should take it slow for awhile, be very neutral, and let the dust settle. Time helps, but don't wait too long. Give it some time and then make sure you let her know that what has happened hurts you deeply and hurting her is the biggest hurt. Be totally willing to find a middle ground. There is lots of middle ground, but right now I suspect both of you are emotionally spinning like two tops. Give it some time.
When I came out in 2012 and told my wife what I had realized it was like a rubber band stretched to its limit around our home. You could bounce a ball off the tension in the air. But when I told her I was going to seek therapy at the local gender identity center it eased a bit. I mentioned to her that they also provide help for loved ones. She decided to go and went a few times to learn the basics. I went weekly for four months during which time it was very difficult for both of us. I presented no expectations for her that I thought she should meet. After 44 years of marriage and mostly a happy one neither of us wanted to end anything, but confusion and hurt came in bushels. We worked through it and made adjustments and came to agreements and developed a pretty good DADT policy. I wasn't sure I wanted to go full public anyway. Like me, you are non-binary or gender fluid or whatever you want to call it. Live in that middle ground internally, but outwardly be a good husband and stick to the agreements you make. Show her what your femininity can do for the relationship by being a bit more of a "housewife" with cooking, cleaning, etc. and, most of all, sensitivity, compassion, sympathy, and empathy. Keep it real and not artificially over doing it. But, at the same time, make sure you are true to yourself emotionally. She expects a man and probably feels a lot of loss of the man she loves. Show her that he is still there, but now there can be something added. Don't even talk about dressing or your gender, but show her the woman in you in actions and behavior that are added to the masculine rather than replacing the masculine.
I agree with others that you have gender issues and it is not just about the clothes. Clothes express the gender but they are not the gender. Behavior is the gender. So bring out the feminine, but also display a good deal of masculine as well. Talk about feelings, but not feelings about your gender. Show her your emotional side loud and clear without being aggressive with it. Remember, women are much more about relationships than appearance. Relationships and caring is a lot of what femininity is about. Femininity is a mindset directed toward caring and helpfulness.
Like others have said, we all love you and respect you. You have added a good deal, especially with the non-binary forum. It is a rough time, but if you two really have the feelings you have talked about having, I believe you two can work it out. It will take time and a lot of effort, but in the end it will likely be better. My wife and I are closer now than ever and it took almost 3 years after the revelation to achieve it. She knows I still dress in private once in awhile and I gently update her once in awhile. She mostly appreciates it, but she has no desire in seeing me dressed. That's OK. I am much more into the behavior now rather than the expression in clothes. It is hard work, but if you really love her and she really loves you a good resolution is entirely possible.
Gretchen
Hi Gretchen,
What I can offer is to put this in the overall context of negotiation- you are starting far apart, with limited understanding of each other, and fixed positions in conflict.
Good negotiators will start off admitting all that, and then let that be a peaceful moment of mutual recognition - that you are still standing there, willing to see what you can do together. This can happen when you both realize there is a lot of information to share before reaching any decisions.
Purging is an offer on your part to symbolize something, for example, that you don't value your clothes more than your wife, and you can accompany that noble act of good faith by saying that the clothes are like the words you want to use to tell about yourself. All people, and of course married couples, want and need to know each other. My wife and I have been talking about how ridiculous it is that after 31 years tomorrow, we still don't know so much about each other, and this is not a one-sided thing nor limited to my gender issues.
You can confidently say that more fully knowing each other may reveal more opportunities than you can see right now, and should she say, NEVER!!!!- it is still just a negotiation- as our new President likes to say. But it is- it is her way to respond to your offer. And the game is never over till someone actually walks out, and then it is not over either, because they can be wishing to be called back, to have the other person [and let it be you] be the one who can manage the exploding feelings and keep their eyes on the prize- which is a close, loving, and supportive partnership.
You got lucky that she was calm, especially with the thought you may be having an affair.Quote:
Originally Posted by GretchenJ
I've said it a million times before, Tell a prospective SO from the start, before everyone is super emotionally involved, because eventually, you will get caught!!!
GretchenJ, it was nice to meet you at Keystone. I, too, am left to wonder how you made it to Keystone without her knowledge. i remember your concern about your wife finding out when we talked. Good thing that it is turning out much better than you had probably expected. Everyone is offering good advice. Hope everything stays positive for you as you go down this road with your wife.
Hi all,
I just wanted to say THANK YOU to all my friends here who have provided me with support, sympathy and coping measures as me and my SO navigate through this. After a month, and I know this will now require constant communication and affirmations in the future to both her fears of the future and my violation of her trust and her ability to acceptance, I can tell you that our marriage and our relationship, is not only ok, but stronger.
Thank you all for the many PM I have received, it is assuring that I have many acquaintances I have made her that I consider true friends!
That is an inspiration!!! :)
Fantastic news! You must be thrilled.
So happy for you, I hope things continue to improve.
What wonderful news. Back when I came out to my wife, it was a struggle for quite awhile. After we came to an understanding our marital relationship improved in many ways. It changed in its character over time, but there is a greater appreciation of each other. So long as nobody gets terribly selfish in it all and communication remains open growth and development of the relationship in new ways will follow.
Gretchen,
You have been around long enough to know what to do, I wish you well and the last line in your post says it all.