Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand.

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Originally Posted by HaleyPink2000

Ok, My take on this is why did you not tell him before marriage you wanted a Man that never does cry and is more Mocho than you are? Seems to me your actions were a deal breaker also. Oh, and the idea of staying with him over the kids. There is a good one to. Not a good idea.

I tend to think that many women use a Guys CDing, as just a way to dump them. I believe there are usually other issues that are behind the deal. Like maybe He's not mocho enough HUH? Or that He crys? HUH? What else. Tell us! Whats the real Issue here? You find someone else? It's just us girls here!

No disrespect intended or implied.
:)

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I don't know why you are quoting my post, all I said was the truth, while you are speculating.

I told the truth when I said the husband told her about the CDing late in the relationship. This was true according to Brina, and I felt he was wrong in doing this.

Now you on the other hand are just speculating that women use CDing as as a way to dump there men. there is no proof that Brina is doing this, you are just specualting your ideas of what could be happining. if Brina was using this as a reason to dump her man then she wouldn't waste time coming here to talk to us. She would justdump him.

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Originally Posted by Sophie62

I never saw in the short time that I have been in the forum such a display of attacks from one side to the other. I really thought this was a place where people would try to make tolarance, aunderstanding and real caring their modeof communication. I guess I was wrong.

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Please re:read her first few posts....she came in swinging at whoever was near and didn't even bother to hear the advice......

Yeah, red wine Dear would do nicely. Please. And lets see how far the bottle goes. LOL:)

Not Comparing you to my past, but the things I have to pull from in my past. Things I know of, as others have things they have first hand knowledge of. One of these is that I really don't know why I do this. I do know It makes me feel better when I am dressed. Compaired to many I guess I dress little.

But, to you. Don't stop posting on here because you get upset or something. Keep coming back. Maybe one thing just one person on here says will help.

:)

brina said...
"And the fact that I told one of my friends is amazing. Do any of you have a best friend? If you do not I am sorry and if you do I am more sorry that you can not trust them enough to tell them."... a little clue for ya...

I know it was already said but...

It is none of your friends' business what your husband does with his personal life!!!!!!

I have a best friend that I have known since 2nd grade, that is 21 years. I have talked to her every single day for 21 years, minus maybe 10 days. I will never tell her about my husband's CDing, unless of course he wants me too, which I know he never will. It has nothing to do with trusting my best friend, it has to do with loving and respecting my husband.

Just a Tip for the Future! Don't go blabbing things. Families have secrets. You need to learn to keep secrets. There is no friend close enough to tell your family secrets to. Or I should say there should not be. That is a breach of Contract right there. Between you and your Husband. You Telling.

Again you might not like hearing this but you need to be told!

Again raising my glass of Wine, red and half full.

No Disrespect implied or intended, BTW!

Mary Matalin was right when she wrote in a 1993 Newsweek column: “We are not victims; our daughters are not infants; our sons are not brutes; our men are not monstrous pigs.” If women hate the idea that only men can be strong, we’d better reject the myth that only women can be gentle. If we aspire to leadership, it’s time we take responsibility for our own capacity to abuse and victimize others.

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive. And before you claim yah right you were considering buying him clothes. Why would I lie.Sorry don't know you. Not interested in impressing you, thus if
I say it I mean it. Obvious from my other comments. Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in..And if you are so damn proud of your man.Why keep it a secret??If you love him let him tell all, what do you care??And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

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Originally Posted by Tammy Marie GG

Please re:read her first few posts....she came in swinging at whoever was near and didn't even bother to hear the advice......

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Dear Tammy

At was not pointing out the responsability to anyone. In fact, I was trying to estate that this is the only thred that this "backlashing" have ever taken place since I have arrived into the forum. I am well aware where this all started, but I wish we could keep the common ground of decency that have always prevail in this forum.

I wish we would forget about this odd episode and move into a more productive use of our time. If Brina does want to get some kind support and make of this a fertile experience, she knows what she has to do.


Sophie:GE:

Briana:

Your way to much!

Next thred. I'm out a Here. Bye Girls.
I'm on to another thred. Won't be back here.

Raising my empty wine glass Bri. See ya and good luck. U'll need it.

Oh and like Tamara said , listen to people here their not all wrong!

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Originally Posted by Dana

To Tamara don't lock the thread down! Why? Becase we need it! This is what we're up against in our day to day lives!

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True enough and if you can't do it on here, where can you do it. We shouldn't be frightened of debate and what it brings with it. Sometimes its ugly and sometimes its personal, but it certainly does get you thinking about which side of the fence your on. Theres one thing for sure, anyone sitting on the fence at the beginning of this thread has surely long since been knocked off.
Love BEVxxxx

Brina, it seems you have calmed down a bit since you first posted and I hope reading these posts in here have given you some insight into what being a crossdresser is. Ok, there has been some harsh words, but you did ask for that and I'm sure you are big enough to take on these words ;)

Let me tell you something about a lot of the GG's on this forum. Firstly, there are some that still do not accept their hubbies are crossdressers, they are still dealing with it and are a long way off from going out to buy them clothes. As for me personally, well I've lived with it for 7 years. 5 of those years, I can honestly say that I hated it. It is true, I have no real best friend to talk about it, but when I joined this forum 2 years ago, I found it full of the most wonderful people you could ever meet. In the 2 years I have been here, I have made so many friends and they have helped me learn to understand what being a crossdresser is. I've learnt about being transgendered, the guilt, the shame, the loneliness, the hiding, the tears.... I could go on.

It's not something we learn to accept over night, it is a hard road. Some accept it as the norm, some never get over it. These girls/boys here will tell you how it is for them, they will guide you, they will educate you, hell they will even argue black is white. But we are all here for the same reason, the same reason you joined us, to be educated, to be supported and to make friendship along the way. I applaud you for staying, for reading, for listening to what everyone here has said. But now we need to move on from this, now it's time to teach you how to go on from here. You need to tell us what you need, how you feel, how you want to take your journey from today.

This thread has educated us all, it has shown how one can join a forum and be really angry, to being much calmer. You have showed that and you have also shown me personally, you do have feelings, you do care and you do know that we are here for you. Whether you like them or not, I'm sending you a virtual :hugs: everyone needs them, everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. You have mine, for when and if you ever need it.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.

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Even if is at his expense? Do you understand even remotely the notion of being 'in the closet'?

People, for a multitude of reasons, choose to closet aspects of their lives for the fear - and a very real fear - of shame and ridicule. By telling your 'friends', have you considered the possible humiliation your husband may now have to endure knowing that they 'know about' him? He is in the closet because he doesn't want 'people' to know - and you have now facilitated the bigest fear all closeted individuals have - being discovered.

This is the same for people with substance abuse problems, eating disorders, depression and other mental health issues, abuse victims... The list is endless. All hide these aspects of themselves because they are ashamed of it - because they know that people will treat them differently because of it.

As betrayed as you feel at his hiding his crossdressing, you have committed an even bigger betrayal: you outed him.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive.

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You can handle it - now he has to as well.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in.. And if you are so damn proud of your man. Why keep it a secret??

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Mutual respect perhaps? Dare I say... Love?

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Originally Posted by BRINA

If you love him let him tell all, what do you care?? And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

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Let him tell all if he wants to. Not you, him. His choice, his terms.

One of the most life affirming actions any closeted individual can take is to step out of the closet. You, however, have tossed him out there without a second thought. Don't be surprised if he locks the door for good.

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"With all great deceivers there is a noteworthy occurrence to which they owe their power. In the actual act of deception they are overcome by belief in themselves: it is this which then speaks so miraculously and compellingly to those who surround them. ... Self-deception has to exist if a grand effect is to be produced."

- Nietzsche -

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive. And before you claim yah right you were considering buying him clothes. Why would I lie.Sorry don't know you. Not interested in impressing you, thus if
I say it I mean it. Obvious from my other comments. Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in..And if you are so damn proud of your man.Why keep it a secret??If you love him let him tell all, what do you care??And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

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oh my dear Brina, so unexperienced in all of this.....it is NOT your secret to tell, are you the one who crossdresses? NO then if HE wants people to know HE will tell them,

and FYI, I am very proud of my husband for being able to confide in me without me jumping down his throat about it.........I am not keeping any secrets as I have none. On the other hand IF my husband wanted people to know then HE would tell them...NOT me........I would NOT be exposing myself but my husband and that my dear is NOT fair! I do LOVE him that is why I RESPECT his wishes to not tell anyone, if he is happy with that so am I....that is soooo not an issue in my house.

You obviously have issues with yourself and your own femininity, or lack thereof>>>>maybe you should work on you beofer you try to work on him and you as a couple........that would be the first step

This thread could act as a caution to all involved.

Perhaps it's just how the stars are lined up in the skies, but one way or another...
It is rare to see such passions aroused so quickly, and with a seeker of help too. There is always the suspicion that the seeker, or someone with a very different tale to tell, is not what they appear and have an agenda to disrupt, a "troll" in fact. Perhaps we should have some kind of self-imposed policy that prioritises civility for a couple weeks before we become too personal in anger.
Brina has shown some remarkable shifts of thought in a short time. For some this appears to arouse suspicion and bile. I remember not so long ago, a "troll" being "discouraged" and sad and gullible I may be at times, I did not see her posts as deserving of ridicule just because they were somewhat difficult to believe. Truth CAN be stranger than fiction, so lets not be to harsh too soon. p-l-e-a-s-e.

Oh and I do not wish to offend...just add I wish HaleyPink would not use that two colour posting style, I find it kind of ...I don't know....Loud.. I think. (Is it me? )


Brina... About the goatee.... If hubby "likes it too" that's nice, but very unusual for a CD/TG to prioritise his male vanity over his femme vanity. Removal of bodyhair, particularly facial is an important part of achieving the femenine "feel" (for want of a better term). Now here's where I set myself up for shooting down .. lol ... It does seem to indicate that he is not consumed by this crossdressing, and unlikely to want to move on hormones and stuff any time soon. There are CD's who retain facial hair and persue their crossdressing apparently happily. Sadly, I can't imagine how you'll overcome the mask/kissing problem. I'd be interested how you work it out.

Best wishes all.... :)


Hugs all.... Ellaine

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Originally Posted by Ellaine

Brina... About the goatee.... If hubby "likes it too" that's nice, but very unusual for a CD/TG to prioritise his male vanity over his femme vanity. Removal of bodyhair, particularly facial is an important part of achieving the femenine "feel" (for want of a better term). Now here's where I set myself up for shooting down .. lol ... It does seem to indicate that he is not consumed by this crossdressing, and unlikely to want to move on hormones and stuff any time soon. There are CD's who retain facial hair and persue their crossdressing apparently happily.

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Seems to me Brina's husband indicated (from what I get from her first post) that he was more into dressing for sexual satisfaction self gratification. Thus he may not have transgendered tendencies. Not all CDs are TG.

If this is the case, then I doubt he'll want to shave or go further in his feminization.

Guys (TAMMY), what is up with this? When I was in my early twenties a few of my friends on a drunk night and told a guy I was dating I had an abortion. Do you think I freaked no. He asked why did I not tell him and I told him I was afraid of hurting him and didn't know how. I was not mad at them, I was actually glad. they took care of taking the stress off me, hey more power to those who talk. I was not ashamed we were always taught not to be ashamed of your lifes experiances. Those who are ashamed arent learning.
And (TAMMY)so you know re my feminity. I am tom boyish in regards that I am not some ninny girl who cries if there is spilled milk, I can thrive on my own, and if the toilet is broken I can and will fix it. That is classified as tom boyish?? I am not wearing overalls when I do this and have no desire to scratch in funny places. It is just that that has typically been a mans job and I can do it and will if it means I do not hae to wait for hours to get it done. And you comments re my feminity are really funny for yo have no idea, I was the prom queen and the head cheer leader. I still teach aerobics and yoga and find the female body un sexually attractive. When I say that women are yuk. that is what I mean. SEXUALLY YUK. So to the cd'sthat have private imd me thank you you have been so sweet and tamara thanks for the hugs not feeling real good about my husband right now and needed it..

It is so easy to misunderstand or rather misread a statement.
I am so glad that you have sorted out the unattractive female issue for us.
Keep going Brina a lot more of the thread needs clarifying..

Huggzzes
Samm

Thanks Brina,
Your post has been a vehicle for an amazing number of crossdressers and attached GGs to share a wide range of information regarding some of the most basic issues we deal with every day. For me, it has been refreshing, informative, and comforting to hear the various voices (so to speak), read the well crafted and heart-felt writings of the forum members, and get to know a little more about them, and myself at the same time.

This does not often happen, as we sometimes spend time just chatting about how exciting it is to go to a supermarket, or how aftaid we are to go to a mall, or whether we like to hook our bras in back or in front, and slide them around. Just like normal folk. We have trivial issues which we chat about, and there are celebrations of freedom, cautionary tales, shared fears, and discussions about nail polish color, and lipstick.

We talk about that part of us which is male, which is treasured by some, distained by others. We don't care. We hear from the GGs, and they both teach and learn from us. Ditto reverse. There is an amazing variety of people who post here, and in that variety each of us is unique, a single point in an infinite sky. We are alike in some ways, share some characteristice, and are very different in about the same ratio. Such is the nature of life.

This thread has amazing depth of emotion, understanding, caring, sharing, and revelation within it. For that, I thank you.

Lauren

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Originally Posted by DonnaT

Seems to me Brina's husband indicated (from what I get from her first post) that he was more into dressing for sexual satisfaction self gratification. Thus he may not have transgendered tendencies. Not all CDs are TG.

If this is the case, then I doubt he'll want to shave or go further in his feminization.

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Thank you Donna... so if we can seperate his apparent emotional personality from being part of transgenderism....err.... eggshells!!!!......Perhaps Brina need only to think of him as he appears...without any psycomongery...your man in soft and sensuous fabrics...nylon-clad... whatever...adventurous and open to exploring possibilities for stimulation. At least it would solve the mask problem..

Since Frank Zappa first sang " I have been in you. You ...have been in me" ... sales of certain accutrements have risen exponentially!!!

Just trying to be helpful...honest!!!! lol


Time to cut and run....

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive. And before you claim yah right you were considering buying him clothes. Why would I lie.Sorry don't know you. Not interested in impressing you, thus if
I say it I mean it. Obvious from my other comments. Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in..And if you are so damn proud of your man.Why keep it a secret??If you love him let him tell all, what do you care??And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

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IT IS NOT your secret to tell


As to when did i tell my wife the day i proposed . I do feel sorry for you Brina but I feel even more for him. How can he come to this site now and seek advice ????????? You have stripped him of that. I aagree with Tamara this thread has gone as far as it can close it.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Guys (TAMMY), what is up with this? When I was in my early twenties a few of my friends on a drunk night and told a guy I was dating I had an abortion. Do you think I freaked no. He asked why did I not tell him and I told him I was afraid of hurting him and didn't know how. I was not mad at them, I was actually glad. they took care of taking the stress off me, hey more power to those who talk. I was not ashamed we were always taught not to be ashamed of your lifes experiances. Those who are ashamed arent learning.

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It is not out of the "norm" for a girl to have an abortion but for a man to crossedress in not in the societal "norm" there is a difference here....... Also the last two lines, your husband probaaly feels scared and ashamed and then you flipped out on him......true we all handle things differently, maybe it was good for him to tell you right before his trip, gave you time to cool off

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Originally Posted by BRINA

And (TAMMY)so you know re my feminity. I am tom boyish in regards that I am not some ninny girl who cries if there is spilled milk, I can thrive on my own, and if the toilet is broken I can and will fix it. That is classified as tom boyish?? I am not wearing overalls when I do this and have no desire to scratch in funny places. It is just that that has typically been a mans job and I can do it and will if it means I do not hae to wait for hours to get it done.

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FYI, I guess it is all in way you say it, I am EXACTLY like you in that respect, I can fix things, build things, not a dress person usually but will dress up for the right occassion, don't cry over the littlest things etc, BUT I do not consider myself a tomboy AT ALL :happy: it is more INDEPENDENT!!

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Originally Posted by BRINA

And you comments re my feminity are really funny for yo have no idea, I was the prom queen and the head cheer leader. I still teach aerobics and yoga and find the female body un sexually attractive. When I say that women are yuk. that is what I mean. SEXUALLY YUK. So to the cd'sthat have private imd me thank you you have been so sweet and tamara thanks for the hugs not feeling real good about my husband right now and needed it..

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Well to the above you sounded pretty disgusted by woman in the beginning and I mean in general not just sexually.......

Look I am not this mean person, I am just going by the mood you set and the way you fired off at just about everyone and ranted but didn't seem to want to listen to anyone.

I do not take back anything I said, but when you do clam down and realize that this is not the end all and after you chat with the hubby, I would be more than happy to chat and help you along anyway I can!

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Guys (TAMMY), what is up with this? When I was in my early twenties a few of my friends on a drunk night and told a guy I was dating I had an abortion. Do you think I freaked no. He asked why did I not tell him and I told him I was afraid of hurting him and didn't know how. I was not mad at them, I was actually glad.

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Your friends were wrong to do what they did - That it worked out for you is great. However, your situation and your experiences are not those of your husband. You can not expect what was right for you to automatically be right for him.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

they took care of taking the stress off me, hey more power to those who talk. I was not ashamed we were always taught not to be ashamed of your lifes experiances. Those who are ashamed arent learning.

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And your approach to 'education' is to out your husband - behind his back - and force him into a more stressful and potentially psychologically harmful situation?

Do you even care a little about how this is going to effect him?

Did you ever care at all???

[/QUOTE The decision I believe you have to make is whether you love him enough to be able to talk through and carry through a solution that you can both accept and live with without your love for each other being impaired. its a hard one but I believe that is the question you have to ask yourself QUOTE]

I have followed this thread very carefully from the beginning and whilst I have a lot of sympathy for Brina, I would ask her to consider what her husband has been going through knowing how badly (and aggressively) you have reacted your discovery.

Humiliating your husband, Brina, by 'outing ' him to your friends can only deepen the wedge that has come between you.

Brina, it is evident from your correspondence that you have been hurt before at times in your life (you particularly mentioned your abortion which will always leave a deep pshycological scar) and I wonder if part of your reaction is building a defensive wall around you against anything that might cause you further hurt.

The quote above was my my final sentence from my only earlier post on this subject and i still beleve that there can be no other solution. Believe me when I say that I feel for both of you and hope that you can find way through what seems to be building into an impasse.

I will not add further to this sad saga.

I have to speak up here and say that we are going back and forth here....BUT..... we haven't heard from the husband, we do not know anything about him except for what his wife has told us. We do not know his wants and needs or his desires. Without his input I think we have gone as far as we can, there is much here to digest.....This is in my opinion....I will sit back down and continue watching the tennis game

I've dressed on and off since i was twelve.The question of telling someone about my cross dressing be it family,friend,lover,the person you intend too marry..being discovered or telling someone leads too the thought of being exiled from family ,from friends, from your children,losing your job.. no one one understanding or willing too..risking everything you know as normal in your life..by even telling one person could ruin you forever..Even if that person is the one you hold dearest too your heart..Always wondering what is wrong with me ??I know its not right not normal..So you hide in the closet..Worrying do i have enough time to dress today ,Worrying what would happen if i got caught..Would my wife still love me ( probablly not) should i tell her??? will she think me less a man??( probablly) So you hide out of fear hoping you can repress your feelings..Maybe i'll never get caught i'll take my cross dressing too my grave..But too actually tell someone !!!To me that has to be opening yourself too your most vunerable point hoping they take the time too understand ,not just toss you aside as a freak..To me telling a lover about my cross dressing would be opening myself too the most vunerable part of my being..A secret i wouldn't want too share with anyone..a secret i've had all my own since i was a child with know one too share..too share this secret would mean a deep very deep trust..you have too understand its been my secret and mine alone for thirtyfour yrs ..so after 30 yrs or so of hiding a secret , you don't just out yourself .. ITS NOT THAT EASY!!!..i mean how ever out we are .and too what point we are acceptting..If it were for not getting caught dressed i would have never told anyone out of fear of all the lifes it would effectt..Your right before getting married if you can't purge it forever then say so be honest.... but at that time dating falling in love its something you think you can repress ,LOVE conquers all .hoping you won't have the desire to dress,hoping it won't ever come back, but it does then its too late..your married..Then the risks of someone knowing comes even steeper..Sure you should have said something !! And you never planned on doing it again..But then after 1 yr 2 yrs 10 yrs the desire you repressed comes back .. so you hide,sneak deny then get caught..And just as you supposed your world comes crashing down !!!your a freak ,your gay, you want to be a woman. when all you really want is a bit of understanding !!

that is a wondrful post Ronda! I do believe that it is not her secret to tell!

Very well said, Rhonda ~ very well said!

You came to us for help, assistance, knowledge ~ so here's my stab in the dark at it! Don't jump all over me ~ your not going to hear what you want to hear. And, you're probally aren't going to like a lot of it ~ let alone agree with it.

Wow! This is already harder than I thought! LOL!

In part, because its really reaching into an very inner, secret part of myself, that I generally don't share with anyone ~ and with the one or two that I have ~ has resulted in disatrious results. (Short verison I'm 0 for 2 in the long term relationship department)

Me? I've had all kind of theries thrown at me ~ as to why I crossdress. In my childhood (age 4-5) I was dressed by my older sister and one of friends ~ as a joke. I was also sexually molested at about this age by a GG 1st cousin. I cannot really say that I was mentally, emotionally traumatized by either event.

When I was 14, my older sister moved back in ~ and in my reasoning and youthful logic ~ or I should say adolescent logic ~ reasoned that to understand girls ~ women, I should "wear their shoes" so to speak. So I tried on a pair of my sisters panties and it rapidly took off from there. First there was the panties, and then a bra, and then makeup, and then, and then to the point of ad nausem.

And yes in my adolsecence it did involve self abuse ~ but at that age ~ for most boys ~ that's pretty much happens regardless. Boys are interested in girls ~ they're a mystery to us at the age, (Heck, they're still a mystery!) and girls are interested in boys. We kiss, we hold hands, we date, we go steady ~ but back in my day sex just wasn't happening all that much ~ either that are I was running with the wrong crowd. It got better and easier once ~ I got a car! But not much! I was raised in the South ~ where there's a Church on every corner. There were girls that did ~and there were girls that didn't ~ and those that did far out-numbered the ones that didn't ~ or so I thought at the time!

And, yes I felt guilt about it, shame about it, remorse about it! I knew that the general population at large would not be recepetive to it, of it. And, at first it was a panty fetish,................at first. And, at first, once I got to traveling down this merry road ~ it became cyclical. Adolesnce arousal, don panties ~ self abuse ~ remorse ~ gulit, ~ shame! Couldn't get out of those panties fast enough.

But, let me tell you how other boys were handling it! They were having sex with each other. Were they gay ~ no! Bi-sexual ~ again no! They later went on to marry, have wives, families ~ children. They did it because they were adolesent, were sexually frustrated, and needed a outlet. Chaulk it up to so much adolescent expermintation ~ nothing more and nothing less. And in my small rural Alabama town of 700, there were just as many girl with girls going on ~ (fear of pregnacy ~ disease, etc) as vice versa. I know this because I was approached by any number of boys at the time ~ and I turned them all down ~ although not in a judgemental way ~ I just told them that wasn't my cup of tea.

At 18, I couldn't get out of that "Dead Man's" town quick enough. I KNEW there wasn't a future there for me ~and coming from a long line of poor Southern dirt farmers, (and I do mean poor) I joined the Marine Corps at age 18.

In part to put that town behind me! In part to validate my masculinity~ in part to prove and earn my masculinity. (Such the thinking of an 18 year old)
I did four years, and got out of the Corps ~ and was out for all of 96 days. Ran back to recuriters office, begging to get back in ~ because there wasn't - and still aren't a lot of opportunies here. Even if you have a college degree.

Meet a girl, got married during a "pepper sprout" tried living down my CD desires. Tried being the husband, the father to her daughter from another man. Talked the talk ~ walked the walk as a career Marine, as a husband, as father to her daughter! A long come my daughter~ the race is on! The pressure is on! A few short years later ~ along comes my son. I'm on the drill field ~that's right a United States Marine Corps Drill Instructor ~ Parris Island, South Carolina.

I'm so stressed out, I'm 28 years old laying in bed with chest pains ~ STRESS!
A couple of month's later ~ I grow a knot on my forehead ~ half the size oof a golfball ~ again ~ STRESS! I'm running daily 6 or more miles a day ~ and I'm stressed out!

Guess who comes visiting? Dana! Hello! At that particular point in time ~ yes ~it was most definately an escape thing ~ a de-stress thing! At that point in time ~I most definately was thinking that if I had been born a woman, been a woman ~ that I wouldn't have been going through all the crap that I was going through. I was going through the mud, the blood, and the beer along with the tears! Thing is, I hadn't seen "nuthing" yet!

Gernada, Beruit, Panama, the first Gulf War. Stress? At Parris Island, I didn't have a freaking clue!

So, I retired from the Corps! I'm thinking I'm on easy street! I've just arrive. Little did I know~! I'm back out here in the real world! The day to day! I've not a clue! I really don't! I stumbling and fumbling thorugh the goal post of life, just trying to make a first down! Forget a touchdown!

Why do I crossdress ~ or at least desire to do so! "D" answere ~ all the above! I'm envious of women's choices in and with most everything. Women have the option of being weak~ I don't! Women have the option of being in-ept! I don't! Women can be pampered, romanced, sought after, desired, appreciated, pursued ~ what man has ever experienced that? Women have the option of being "fickle" ~ I don't!

I've got to be the guy that has all the answers to all of the questions ~ the solutions to all of the problems! I've got to make the firs move ~ with you as a woman. I've got to walk this walk, and talk this talk. And on and on, and on~! I've got to play this role!

I hear you ~and you shouldn't be complacient in DEMANDING that your DH fullfill YOUR wants, needs of and as a woman! Being with a guy that dresses in women's clothing, and masturbating to the effect ~ is NOT one of your Top 10 fantasies!

That does NOT make him a bad guy!

Youl (IMHO) say to him ~ this is workable! This is do"able! But, I've got needs and wantS, and desires as a WOMAN! I TOO have wants, needs, and desires as a WOMAN!

Brina:

He is still the same person you fell in love with, if you chose, over time you will either accept his dressing or you will reject it, chances are that you will both find a common ground and move on.

I can say this, he LOVES you allot, yes he may have not told you first off, maybe he was scared of losing you...........

I cannot explain my desires to dress, I have been doing so since I was little, I am married and yes she knows and is accepting of it.

For me it seems that I get into this zone, kinda like getting a craving for something sweet to eat, I just HAVE to dress, I do go out to "girls nites out" every month (where 40~50 of US show up) to hang out, dance and BS.

I can say that I have NO interest in men, dressed or otherwise, I LOVE women....and their clothes....hehehehhehe I am strong as a man and as Mistress Tara....funny huh?

I know it is hard but put yourself in his shoes..er um heels.....he has told you his deepest inner secret.....he could have kept silent but this came out and doing so exposed himself to you...

In closing:
Humans are really amazing, we can lose loved ones to death and in time we learn to overcome.......

Tara

OK, my 2 cents.

Brina has asked "why" several times. And the responses to "why" have been varied but mostly followed the theme of "born with it." While that is certainly a dominant theme here, there are other possibilities.

One is based in Learning Theory. One possibility why some men find wearing women's clothes so exciting has been explained using the Pavlovian Conditioning theory. If you recall, Pavlov was the scientist who discovered that he could make dogs salivate when he rang a bell if he paired the bell ringing with placing meat powder on the dogs tongue. It was the pairing of the the two stimuli, (bell and meat powder), that did the trick. The dogs began to associate the sound of the bell with the taste of the meat.

It is just as possible to pair something that would not ordinarily be sexually stimulating with sexual stimulations derived from "normal" sexual contact.

Are you still with me?

In our culture it is very common to have female underwear paired with sexual stimulation. Since, it is common to have physical contact with female underwear during foreplay. And, as it happens, many boys had much of their early masturbatory experiences exposed to lingerie, either through magazines, movies, or the home laundry basket. And, since mom's or sister's drawers or laundry allows a more intimate experience with the underwear than just looking at it, many boys learn that wearing it provides a very satisfying stimulation.

Like it or not, this is a perfectly normal, (psychologically speaking), way to establish our early sexual stimulation criteria.

(I know I guy who had a fetish for white cotton panties. It developed while he was going through purbety. He had a paper route that had him delivering the morning paper to a womans house at the same time that she was dressing in front of an open window each morning. It was just coincidence that he was going through that stage of puberty at the same time as his exposure to his customers morning show, but it followed him through his life.)

In fact, this early conditioning exposure to women's underwear is so common that it has sparked a huge lingerie industry among the allegedly "normal".

Some of us have taken it a lot further. Since our generation did not have the easy access to actual sex at an early age that the kids of today enjoy, many of us developed a pretty involved masturbatory regimen. Using what ever stimulation was available.

Which brings us to the transvestic fetishist. Someone who has learned that wearing womens clothes is sexually stimulating. This learning usual takes place in the early years where intercourse is not available, but access to the stimulation of women's clothes is. This Pavlovian Conditioning is a powerful thing, and in the absence of serious motivation to change, not going away easily.

Oddly, enough, crossdressing is much like alcoholism in that CDing, like the bottle, is a reliable friend. It is much easier to predict the result of a sexual CDing event than it is to predict the outcome of a date. CDing does not desert you over some misunderstood comment, poor body hygiene, or change in financial status.

However, in the area of transvestic fetishists, it can be changed. It needs two things. One, is motivation. The motivation to abandon a life long friend that can be relied on to make us feel good when we feel bad, give us sexual satisfaction when we can't get a date to save our lives, and to give us an identity that, for good or bad, tells us we exist in this world as a unique individual. And, two, change requires the same kind of Pavlovian Conditioning experience that set it up in the first place. To see this in action I recommend you rent the movie 'Clockwork Orange".

Actually, Clockwork Orange shows the use of Conditioning to change someone who wasn't really all that motivated.

The good news for Briana, and other wives faced with a fetishist, is the description above for motivation. If a wife can meet that criteria and become the "lifelong friend" in place of the CDing, over time the CDing can fade into the background. But, of course, being a human, there may be a slip up occasional. In those instances, a resurgence of CDing behavior may reappear. In one sense, the husband and wife can see this as a sign that the relationship could use a bit of tweaking. Or that the wife is tired of playing to his needs all the time, and is happy to let the CDing meet his needs for a while so she can rest. An astute CDing husband will note that he has the responsibility to be the same person for his wife that he expects her to be for him. And, as the CDing returns, he needs to insure that, as his needs are being met outside the relationship by CDing, if he doesn't want her to look outside the relationship as well, he had better be extra attentive to her needs during this time.

Good grief! This turned out a lot longer than I had anticipated. But it is a complicated area, and I didn't want to be too simplistic. There is, of course, a lot more to this. And since we haven't heard from her husband, we are all speculating more than I'm comfortable with. (I also like the theory that some of us are into it as a sort of reverse Penis envy. Women, after all, have a sort of power men can never achieve. But that is a whole different thread.)

Good luck.

Girls She don't care what you say. She's on Her own road " ranting " and She's correct and everyone else is wrong.

I'd say close this thred Tamara!
Please Please Please!

Tammy and many more on here have tried to help guide this Girl to what is wrong in her relationship. Like telling family secrets etc. She evidently don't care. So that is why I said close this thred!

Briana has all the answers, and if She chooses not to use them, then its on her.

I wasn't going to come back to this thred. But, I did see the number count go up big time. So I had to read them. (( Wooo )) It's more of the same actually in most cases.

We all can't be wrong!

Bri is not listening, She's reading just to rant back at us. Oh, and then She's out there, I mean out there. What woman in Her right mind, would do the things to someone they love, like She's done. I would bet some of what She's said to her Husband, will never be repaired. Once you say something it really never is earased. It's in the other persons mind forever, even after you say your sorry and all.

I'm not addressing Briana, But my Sisters on here. If you say anymore to this ((Girl)), your wasting your breath unless She starts to admit She's been wrong. On many issues!

Hi Vicky.. Wow! Time well spent.... A superb piece!!!

Haley... There's a bit more to this than whether it's right or wrong to "Out" someone, and you're sounding like you enjoy a bone to pick. Vicky has shown that there is much to be gained from looking at all angles, and allowing a little time and space for another viewpoint.
Your bitterness and anger at your loss seems to be bubbling here, but time spent working all hours to bring home the bacon, is an error I've been guilty of, when all the family wanted was quality time with me and I couldn't see it. Fortunately I didn't suffer the outcome you and others have done, but it was my mistake all the same.

Maybe we can't all agree, but we can learn if we keep an open mind. Innit?

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I just found out about my husband 1 week ago today. I have been on the internet searching info on many sights but this is the first forum I have accessed looking for support . How amazing the first thread I find is yours which has provided me with so much insight by everyone's reply's. I can Identify with the anger you expressed when you found out about your Husbands cd In my case though, I did make it clear to my husband that I was not mad at him but I did have alot of anger I had to resolve. Part of the grieving process I guess. Fortunately I did work through the anger fairly quickly. Afterall I can't change the way things are only the way I feel about them but yet I have emotionalized internally to the point of feeling sick. So many things to figure out and accept. The feeling of Isolation and not being able to share this one thing with my Best friend who I know would understand. The worry that someone would know something was bothering me and and it might come pouring out. Happy for my husband that he has a burden lifted from him but now I have one on me. So many questions and not enough answers. ETC. ETC. I would describe myself as a high maintenace women. I take care of myself, go to the gym, do the makeup hair and clothes and take pride in my appearance. I want to look good for my own feelings of self esteam and hope to think it means something to my husband that I try to look good. Like wise I want my man to look handsome and after 33 years together I think it's great that I still find him handsome and when I see him in Uniform with a badge and gun it is a turn on for me. That right I'm married to a cop a really macho guy. So one of my fears was that I would lose my "man" and our sex life would suffer because somehow if he was En Fem it would make me somehow feel like a Lesbian even though I felt totally open to him wearing articles of female attire in bed if he wanted to. He has been so wonderful to me since this has all come out and I feel such deep love and compassion for him and what this has put him through so being the passionate person I am I want to make love to him all the time now. The love making also helps to aliviate my fears of loss of his masculinity. The sex bonds us and it gives me the assurance that nothing has really changed, he is still the man I love I am not losing that. He is totally leaving it up to me as to how I want to handle things. He will keep his female side to himself if I so wish but I don't because it is part of him and I'm trying to understand it. So far he hasn't done anything different cause he doesn't want to rush me even though I told him I was ready for him wear some sexy female clothes in bed. He does have a female personna that I am nervous to meet but I have decided I want to be part of helping "her" with putting herself together clothes, hair makeup etc. We figure if he does it, it will be too much of a shock for me and we both know it will quite frankly most likely look kinda of silly and I don't want my reaction to make him feel bad. I will also be an act of love on my part which will be meaningful to both of us. I don't know how I'm gonna feel when I see "Her" but I am gonna have an open mind and just see how it goes. Even though I was very understanding from the start. I am feeling much better about things now than a week ago. This thing has made me look at myself and my preconcieved Ideas and really helped me grow as a person. I know it's still gonna be a difficult adjustment but I am gonna try me best. Something I read in a pamplet my husband gave was a bible verse that I have found very helpful Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4-8) I guess I should have made my first post in the introduction area and started a new thread but this one has helped me alot cause we are kinda going through the same thing at the same time so I hope maybe we've helped each other and next time we can meet up in the GG section which is where I plan on going next for some support. Best of luck to both of us!!

I do not know now.
Much earlier today I replied to Brina remarking that it was good to know what she meant by the "YUK" of femininity.
I slept on that. Woke to the thought that a cheerleader etc is a female flaunting femininity and depending on the circs, sex.
Given that there is also her belief that the female body is off putting to her. Is such a body and display not generally considered as a sex object or as a role model ? What does Brinna consider it as ?
If either or both then there we have the tomboy inhabiting a physical body that is unloved by its owner. A person that is doing nothing to produce the appearance of a caring wife of her husband, let alone a cared for female body. that alone is a contradiction and there are too many contradictions in this character.

Does anybody remember that a crossdressing discovery started this epic and the outing of her husband ?

Is this somebody who wants help, or is it somebody who wants attention ?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Glenda Grant

Best of luck to both of us!!

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Let me second that!!!! and send a big welcome Glenda. :thumbsup:

Just 1 week !!! Some wives never get this far, never get over having "found out" and the shock it can bring to the relationship. Posted in this thread it just reinforces how different personalities deal with the realities of life. We can't expect to know how others would react, surprises are so normal!
I'm delighted that two GGs are newly here working at finding out how they will deal with this severe "curve-ball". I hope you both find what you are seeking, and you bring your partners along soon.

Hugs Ellaine :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Glenda Grant

I just found out about my husband 1 week ago today. I have been on the internet searching info on many sights but this is the first forum I have accessed looking for support .

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WELCOME and GOOD LUCK!!!!:D

Brina,

I am simply overcome by your utter lack of wisdom or intellect. Your writing style alone gives it away. My guess is you are an immature 12 year old if not you act that way. I've just read page after page of excellent advice. Real wisdom that was given freely in an effort to help. Was it worth while for cross-dressers yes, for you not at all.

You have shown us how careless you are, how dishonest you are and you revel in you're own self disdain. You have made claims which are wholly untrue. So just how many lies about your past have you told him, is it hundreds or thousands. I know, I know "but those don't count".

I know I'm not "macho" enough for you even after six years in the Special Forces and owning a construction company. I'm certainly not rich enough since I make a paltry $125.00 per hour. Even though I'm quite active in the BDSM community as a dominant that just is not controlling enough either. It's sad that no man will ever be good enough for you.

If only you could find a "real" man that doesn't cry. I do that to. What a pitiful excuse of a man I am. When I bailed hay on my parents farm and rode bulls with my dad, I wasn't a man. I was just pretending. I only have an I.Q. of 198, I sure wish I were smarter. I'm in the genius range but still I'm not good enough.

You're obviously more of a man than I could ever be. You lie, and hate women. You're vindictive and spiteful. All qualities that a well rounded person should aspire to have. I wish I could be as intolerant as you are. Would that make me a man Brina? Probably not.

That must be why you're last husband left. He just wasn't good enough either. Did he not drink enough or not beat you up as often as you wanted while you were "large and in charge" or was it your insistence on dressing like a man that drove him away.

Over and over you've told how "manly" you are. Do you even own a dress? Of course you don't. A woman own a dress that just would not be proper. How dare someone shatter you're vision of womanhood. High heels, you must be kidding, makeup heavens no. Girls don't wear that.

Perhaps it was you veiled insults or demeaning tone that did it. Hey that's what guys do right? You are the authority on the subject. A self proclaimed "bitch". Now that's impressive, just what every guy want's. Before I met my current and wonderful SO that's what I looked for in a mate. Uncaring, delusional, needy and above all so selfless it made Jesus look like a slacker. Golly I wish I could be like you. I really pity you Brina. I really do.

It saddens me that you will never know and understand trust or love. I wish you could enjoy sex which I know you don't. It must be painful to be so uptight all the time. Never being able to relax and enjoy life. Most of all I feel sorry for the children who will be emotionally detached just like you. With the examples of disdain and intolerance you're setting how could they not be.

I hope you leave him, so he can find someone who is worthy of his love and affection. You certainly are not.

Normally, I would heavily edit posts like some of the ones I have been reading, for there has been an awful lot of inflammatory things being written(to say the least). But since this thread was created and repeatedly stoked by a troll I have relaxed my vigilance.

My tolerance, however, has come to an end in regards to the heavy passion this fraud has provoked and any further posting is just adding kindling to the fire. Everything that can be said has been said many times, at least until the author of this piece of fiction ups the ante once again.

And as for you Brina -- sell your story elsewhere.