There's a difference between exploring your sexuality and what CDing has to do with it, and having an online profile shaking your things for other's viewing pleasure. You need to know how deep this goes. Only then can you decide if you are comfortable with it.
My dressing habits have never confused me sexually. What I wear has nothing to do with who I find attractive.
What does confuse me (or at least used to) is that I find convincing transgenders and crossdressers attractive. But I guess that's because they look feminine, and a feminine figure is what is attractive to me. I'm not so fussy to what is 'down there', although my preference does lie with female parts.
I would say I asked myself the questions: "am I gay?", and "why do I do this?", and "what does this mean?". There was nobody to ask. No internet. I will say, there was no confusion about which gender I was attracted to. I loved how pretty girls were in grade school. I had a girlfriend at age 9 who I was with for 4 years and I just loved, loved, loved her. I have never been attracted to men. There are a lot of reasons for cross-dressing, and your BF needs to figure out what they are for him. It could be that we admire women so much, we want to imitate them. In short, the reasons are: admiration of women, wanting the alluring power of a women for oneself, the high we get from fantasizing and imagining the taboo of it all, repressed childhood trauma (molestation, ridicule, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, early association of sexual pleasure to female attire), being gay, but afraid to express it (probably not a big reason for most CD). I'm sure I'm foregetting some of the reasons, but you hopefully get the picture.
Reine, I'm so glad you came into this thread, you always give a different point of view, and offer great advice. I'm thankful for everybody here, and especially you.
You hit the nail on the head with why it makes me uncomfortable with the possibility that he's interested in men. I didn't even realize it until you said it.
And yes you are correct, he seems to be into bdsm from what I can tell. And not for nothing, I am too. I actually had a long talk with him even before your post in this thread. I admitted to him that I have a fantasy of being dominated by a specifically older strong man. But then I explained that although it turns me on, I couldn't actually see myself being in that situation. When I think about it in an unaroused state, it weirds me out being with somebody much older. And then I asked if he could see himself in the situations that are depicted in the porn he watches and he said no he couldn't. But at this point, it's hard for me to trust anything he says. He claims that he always did like being a dominant with me, and that he was just experimenting with new things.
I hope you're right that he doesn't want to be with another person, but I feel like there's no way for me to truly know if he wants to or not. He tries to have sex with me all the time, and he's always touching me anyway. And he refers to himself as daddy to me all the time literally since we got together over four years ago... So it's really confusing to me that he seems to play the opposite role online. but how do I even know if he's thinking about me when we do have sex? It's a lot weighing on me right now...
As for your idea about letting him be a sexy woman in bed, I honestly don't know if either of us would be comfortable with it. I would probably be more open to that than he would. I'm not sure how I would bring it up either. Bringing up anything related to his secret life is like walking on egg shells.
Is it common for many CDs/TSs to have the sexual preference of wanting to be treated like a woman in bed?
I don't know, my mind goes over a million possibilities every day and not only is it tearing me apart inside, but I'm starting to resent him. I never had an issue with the dressing, and I never wanted him to stop doing it, I was so happy with he admitted it. But I knew in my heart that there were more secrets that were still hidden and sure enough they came out. Sometimes I wonder if he truly loves me, or if I'm just somebody there to occupy him and fill his needs.
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Also, I've read the thread "have you been with a guy" and i see a lot of people saying they pondered the thought for a long time and finally did it, some behind their SO's back and this really worries me because I feel like there's a possibility that he's going through the same confusion as the people in that thread went through, and who knows if one day he'll act on it.
Don't know how common any of this is, in fact most all of this is very uncommon.
There are many types of CDs and their preferences. Some are fully str8 and only want a woman, some are Gay and only want men, some also like men that dress and can have mutual play.
As for the TSs, since I am one. As for the TSs, they also vary but generally always are a woman, be it with males or females. Have one friend her BF is a Trans*Male. I have had some CDs say they want to be the girl sometimes. I may not be typical, but I didn't use what I had before, so it is weird for me.
Maybe he needs to take a break from his online life while you two work on this.
Crums that's a while back. When I was 24 I was away at sea with the RN. I had my cd clothes hidden on board. I loved my wife passionately. I'm now in my mid 50's Long since left the RN and still love my wife passionately.
It may seem common when visiting websites with the word 'sissy'. I've been to websites that make it sound like all CDs want sex with men. Other sources say that most CDs are heterosexual. We's all different with different reasons to dress and it's all in the mind IMHO.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tammy494
Oh yes, ReineD usually has the best advice!
Gday Tammy
My answer to the first part of your question would have to YES. Short explanation groomed @ 7 & used till 15.
Second part @ age 24. Denial Shame guilt & revoltion. Trying to conform. Hope this helps.
Yes, big time. You would see this if you read past threads dealing with this topic. Or if they don't say specifically they want to be treated like women, many do say they want to be submissive. Or, they'll say they're dominant in guy mode but submissive in girl mode.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tammy494
I don't think he is purposely lying to you. I do think he is compartmentalizing, which makes sense if he has sexual preferences that conflict with the way he was socialized as a male. Note the link goes to Wiki which is not a thorough definition, but it will give you the terms to google or look up in libraries if you want to learn more.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tammy494
Egg shells. Sounds like he really wants to keep this other part of himself from you (and a part of himself), but this is not healthy for a long term relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tammy494
So your bf has adopted a comfortable role with you and at the same time he is driven to express this other sexual preference without you, which may or may not grow to want to experiment with real people down the line. And it doesn't have to be just with other men either. We've had GGs whose husbands had affairs with women who totally embraced dressing-up in the bedroom. It's possible to compartmentalize even with two different GGs, one with whom there is emotional intimacy and love (you), and another just for sex. If the two of you cannot get him to integrate himself, you may wish to see a good sex therapist. I don't think you want to continue being in a relationship where he either keeps a part of his sexuality from you, or he tries to stifle it (which is seldom successful) in the hopes of getting you to stick around? But as mentioned earlier, if you should decide to turn a blind eye to this (taking a chance that it won't get to the point where he wants RL experimentation with others), it is likely that eventually the sexual expression of the CDing will diminish anyway. When this might happen is anyone's best guess, maybe not until middle age.
Exactly.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tammy494
<edit> There is also the possibility that over time, if he does not integrate, (as you both move into the next, more comfortable and less sexually intense phases of your relationship), his sexuality which now seems to be equally split between you and his other fantasies, will move more away from you to being increasingly autosexual. This could happen if he cannot see himself experimenting with other men and he would not give himself permission to cheat with another GG.
No. I started dressing when I was 6 or 7 and I knew I was a boy and that was it.
My first experiences with crossdressing were not overtly sexual. They were more to do with gender identity. Not that I thought I was a girl, I just thought I'd rather be one and that I would make a better girl than I was a boy. As a boy I was very shy and timid, weak, super sensitive and a real crybaby. These were not great qualities for a girl but they were the worst possible for a boy. So I would spend a lot of time fantasizing about what it would be like to be a girl. Sometimes I would dress up in my sister's clothes and play out my fantasies. I admit that it would give me a tingle inside that in retrospect would have to be described as erotic. My overt childhood sexual fantasies were more the female domination variety. Some older members here may remember a 50's US TV show called Sheena: Queen of the Jungle. She was a sort of a blond bombshell version of Tarzan. I used to fantasize about being kidnapped and molested by Sheena or a tribe of Amazons. Otherwise I would fantasize about female authority figures: teachers, nurses, babysitters, etc. But these fantasies were not really mixed up with my feminization fantasies.
About the time I reached puberty I came across a little pornographic novel that featured effeminate boys who would dress up like girls and sexually service the more masculine boys in every way imaginable. Stuff I never even dreamed of. But for whatever reason it was the most incredible turn on for me to imagine myself in the role of one of those girly-boys that I had my first ever orgasm fantasizing about it. A minute later I was suicidal. On top of all my other problems, I was now a queer. This was back in the '60's when homosexuality was thought a mental illness at best or a mortal sin deserving death at worst. There wasn't much worse than being gay. The problem was that in "real life" I never had crushes on dudes like I did with girls. I never once looked at a guy and thought he was attractive. I couldn't even imagine what a good looking guy looked like. They all look the same to me. I've never experienced any of my "gay" fantasies and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to. I have experienced every fantasy that is humanly possible with a woman. But as often as not my "straight" sex looks a lot like gay sex. Confusing? Yes, very. I could never figure out what was wrong with me. Am I trans? Am I gay? Am I autogynephillic?
I often wish I could have been a regular straight person or even a regular gay person if only so I wouldn't have wasted so much time and effort trying to figure it all out. The common thread that runs through my sexuality is an emasculation fetish. I have mentally replaced the anxiety about my masculinity (or perceived lack of it) with sexual arousal. This is actually a pretty common way of dealing with trauma/anxiety. Many women, for instance, deal with rape trauma/anxiety by fantasizing about being dominated by men on their own terms. This, IMO, is at least one reason why 50 shades and bodice ripper type romance novels are so popular among women. In my feminization/emasculation fantasies everything happens according to my rules. It's not really about "being a woman" for me. That's just a sub niche of a broader fetish. It's about getting as far away from masculinity as possible. Things that qualify in that regard are ultra feminine submissive female, bimbo, gay flamer, sissy, male submissive, etc. The truth of it is that no one who knows me would think of me as feminine or a sissy. I think the only reason my wife tolerates and even seems to enjoy my fetish (she's a bit weird sexually, too) is that she sees me as the polar opposite.
The question I have is how did I get like this. I seriously doubt I was born this way. It probably has something to do with the fact that I was emotionally and physically abused by those who were supposed to nurture me especially my alcoholic grandmother, my mildly autistic mother and my alcoholic/schizophrenic/bipolar father. It could also have something to do with being molested by older girls on several occasions who in turn were being molested by adults including, it turns out, my father. What was most traumatic about that was I enjoyed it when I feel I shouldn't have. Whatever the reason, somewhere along the way in my sexual development wires got crossed, curcuits blown out and subroutines corrupted. The imprinted result is apparently permanent even though I've long dealt with the emotional damage. Believe me, no one would ask for this bizarre, broken sexuality. But, I seem to be stuck with it and have a love/hate relationship with it. I'm sure that's more than you ever wanted to know about my sissy fetish.
There are a couple of notions that came up in this thread that I'd like to add my 2 cents to. The first is the notion that because your boyfriend may be imagining himself as a woman sexually that somehow he can't be "into" you at the same time. This is a double standard that is applied to transfolk, dysphoric or otherwise, and people with unusual fetishes. The fact is that everyone is attracted sexually to someone AS someone. So a heteronormative man just thinks he is attracted to a woman and gives no regard to the fact that he is attracted to her AS a man. But, his being a man is just as important to the attraction as is the other being a woman. The problem comes when there is a disconnect between ones mental self-image and their physical reality. But it has nothing to do with how "into" their partner they are. I'll get kicked out the Man Club for good (not that I care) for revealing this but you have no way of knowing what your boyfriend is thinking during sex unless he tells you. You may think he's totally into you because the sex is great but in reality the sex may be great because he's fantasizing about your sister or being Bubba's prison girlfriend. You just don't know. You'll drive yourself crazy worrying about what your partner is thinking all the time. That can go both ways, BTW. It still has nothing to do with how he feels about you romantically. However, in this case, ignorance is bliss.
The other silly notion is that if you participate in your partner's weird sexual proclivities, you are now somehow reduced to being an accessory or prop. That could be true if your partner is selfish but it could also be true in any sexual relationship. There is no guarantee, just because you have "normal" sex with a "normal" guy, that you aren't being used as an accessory. In fact, one of the main issues of the feminist revival of the '60s was that women felt they were being used as sex objects. This is an extremely common problem in relationships and I know of no evidence that it is any worse among transfolk or people with unusual fetishes. There is always some give and take in sex and even more is needed if the sex is of an unusual kind.
Nothing I've written is meant to convince you to stay with your boyfriend or to even to understand him. You have some trust issues. You are young, unmarried, no kids, I presume little or no common property. You don't have a huge amount of time invested in the relationship. What could be simpler than to walk away and try your luck with someone else. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.
Stevie, I hope you're going to see a very good counselor. Your issues are very complicated, and far to much for any of us here. I'm afraid any advice I could offer you would be more harmful than helpful. Please find a very good person to talk to, one familiar with trans issues. Best of luck, sweetie.