Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand.

Kitty ~ outstanding post! Hammer ~ Nail ~ Dead Center!

I sensed many of the things that you stated. As I've always said ~ "Think! Before you go pointing fingers ~ and always remember for everyone that you point you've got three pointing back at youself!"

I think that Brinna has to ~ needs to look at those three fingers~ I think that the reason she's having such a problem with her husband's cross dressing issuses ~ is that they've given rise to her own internal issues ~ whatever they may be! And Clearly she has some :cheer: :cheers: :iagree: :notworthy: :yrtw:

Brina, I have not seen that you've been back since I posted. You had been good with the responses, then taylored off a bit. Anyway, a thought on what Kitty said:

You want a man to just take control.
Dresses restrict your ability to dominate and control things.

You probably bear a great deal of responsibility every day. He had a son, and you have been raising a daughter. Having even one child is a lot of work. Now you have two to take care of. Like I said, lots of work. You wish that you didn't have so much to do all the time. But making sure that these things get done yourself is the only way you know to live. If you don't do it, it probably won't get done, right? Single parenthood assures such behavior in a responsible adult.

You wish a man would take control. But men are so useless! They are so irresponsible! The never grow up and they act like children. You grew up believing that men were the breadwinners, and women took care of the home and the kids. That's the way it was on TV when you were growing up. Leave it to Beaver. Split families? Even the Brady Bunch made it work. And he was the breadwinner, and she raised the kids. Heck, they even had a maid. Can't beat that! That's what "normal" is supposed to be! But the truth is, men aren't that way, are they? You have had to work, and you have had to raise your daughter, and you have had to be the one controlling things, or both you and your daughter were sunk.

And then, men leave. Sometimes for other women. They never worry much about the kids, then. Alimony is tough to get, and tougher to make sure you get it. It's a cold, unforgiving world that didn't quite live up to the hype in the fairy tales. That's right. While we weren't looking, someone opened Pandora's Box and let all the demons out. Now look at the world. It's going straight down the sewer. Try raising kids in this world! And everything's so expensive, both parents have to work! Time for family? What time? And furthermore, when you work, you're expected to look presentable. Career wear, makeup, a little jewelry.....perhaps a skirt or a dress now and then. Shoes with heels on them.....

Yeah, right. And the men at work then look at you like some kind of sex toy. "Wow, did you see so and so today? She looked hot!" These attitudes just aren't conducive to being taken seriously in the workplace. The only way to make sure anyone respects you and takes you seriously, is to tone down the makeup, wear you hair shorter, and the hell with the dresses. They restrict one's ability to dominate and control things, don't they?

And on top of all this, when everything was just starting to seem normal: Your husband likes to crossdress.

Okay. I may be way off base here. I'm not Dr. Phil, I just play him on the forum sometimes. But does any of this sound familiar? Any of those darts find the bull's eye? Even somewhat close to the mark? I've seen the same thing from my wife, and from all her friends. And from women I've worked with. And friend's friends. You know this is true. You see it in yourself, and in your own friends. It's all around us. It's everywhere.

This kind of baggage doesn't travel well. You need to put it down. Sell it in your own private garage sale. Ask yourself, "Is he a good man?" We don't know him here...yet...I think (well...we might, you never know), but as for the crossdressing, well, Brina, it's time for you to grow a little as a person. It's time to expand, learn, and grow. Maybe this is a kind of gift to you. Did you ever think of that? Maybe you will find something in it that you never would have thought. Maybe it's there for a good reason. Maybe you should try and expand and embrace this somehow. Imagine what your relationship, that's right, RELATIONSHIP, could be. Hey, maybe relationships are a good thing after all. Maybe this could help to fill that hole in your life where you store your baggage.

I don't mean to be harsh with you. That's not my intent. I'm only trying to help. I hope all of this has helped in some way. You're on 5 pages now. That's quite a barrage. If you can sift through it, and come out in a better way, please let us know. Obviously, we care, or we wouldn't have spent so much time and breath here.

Dear Brina

When I first read your thred you have only one replay. I wanted to replay to you at that moment, but I had to go so I decided to check later on you. SURPRISE!!! A 103 replays in less than an hour. The only think that came to my mind was there are people here in this forum who do care.

Brina, I am a recent member in this forum and it is my first experience in being part of an experience like these. However, in the short time that I have being in contact with the site, I have found something more value than some information about Crossdressing. I have found a display of compasion, love, caring, undestanding and support.

My dear, I have been crossdressing since I was a little boy. As you, I also ask Why? Why me?. Different than others in the forum , I have repressed my desires to feel pretty and femenine ,conforming my Crossdressing to sporadic incursions.

I am an hetereosexual male who likes and loves women. I have never being attracted to man. In my life, I have only had sexual encounters with GG (Gentic Girls) and I have also fall in love with them. I never told them of my crossresing becuase I thought it was something that I did once in a while and I have never had the need to do it everyday.

I life my life as a man. I do not need to change my sex to feel ok. I am not some one who feels trapped in the wrong body (please, check on Transexualism, it is very different than Crossdressing). I am not Gay since I am not attracted to those of my same sex. As you can see, it is something very difficult to understand by anyone.

You might think a man who dresses as a woman is an homosexual. Most homosexual males do not like to put in women's clothes. They like to be men, but the like to be with men. Most Gay men are very proud of their masculinity and find it very repulsive to wear women's clothing. Have you seen the movie "Brokeback Mountain"?. That is a classic example of male homosexuality. Just try to imagine putting women clothes on those two macho gay guys, they would kill you before you even try it!!!

Crossdressing is not about being Gay or not. I can only tell you that even some of us who are fully aware of our hetereosexual tendencies (that is the attraction between a man and a woman), sometimes wonder about our own sexual orientation because of crossdressing. Being difficult for you to understand it does not make it less difficult for us to understand it ourselves?

Brina, I can relate to your pain. I can see how much you need help to deal with this issue. Believe me, some of us have lived our their lives in denial,remorse, pain, confusion and longliness. You can not immagine how hard had been for me to read trough your lines. I can see the sense of desparation and confusion that might be covering your life at this moment, but at least you are trying to reach out and find some understanding.

Brina, I can only tell you at this moment that you if you really want ot understand what is going on with your husband you have to take step by step. I can understand the hurt, but you need to go easy on this if you ever want to get some answers and find a productive way to address the situation.

Go, talk to him, ask him, get informed, ask us, before you jump into conclusions...may be the wrong ones.


You have come to a place where people address so many issues regarding with crossdressing, but we do it with respect and understanding. Feel free to ask and express your views.

Sincerely


Sophie

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Because so many men have become to girly. As this site is talking about. Do you guys actually think we like having to be the tom boys. NO WAY. But most of you men have come to the conclusion that you can touch upon your femine traits thus thrusting us into this mayhem.

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Speak for yourself, PLEASE, do not say "we", ok? You don't "have" to be anything. I'm not "thrusted" into anything. I'm sorry you feel you are, but seriously you need to stop generalizing.

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Do you think I like pumping gas carrying in the groceries making more money because half the men in this world do not get it on how to multi task and make a ton of money( almost all my girlfriends beat their mens salary). How do you think this feels we all hate it but there is a big difference between bring a tom boy and a CD.

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:lol: You have GOT to be kidding me! Are you the one driving the car? The one eating the food? What makes you think someone else should be doing these things for you? Perhaps get a personal maid/assistant? Also, you're actually complaining about making good money?? Do you know how many people would kill to be able to make ANYTHING?! I don't even have a job right now, I would give anything to find a job that just pays me enough to live on :straightface:

Brina, if I've come down a little harsh on you ~ I apolgize. Your post and attitude that comes across has hit some of my raw nerves.

For the better part of my life ~ I've lived a very masculine day to day exsistence. The jobs that I've held, many "normal" men couldn't and wouldn't have toted the note on. I've seen things, been through things, expericecd experiences that most "normal" people haven't.

Life no matter who you are, are what sex you were born, nor where you were born is a struggle. Granted! Its all relative ~ just about anyone not from a Western country would gladly trade places with the poorest person from that country ~ let alone the USA.

I've just today gotten a e-mail from a 50 TG who is thinking about SRS! My initial response was that she's got to be insane. Its hard enough being a GG -50 year old let alone a fully transititioned MTF TS? It just is ~ not just my opinion ~ just fact. Hell! Its hard going that route when your 20!

Being TG, wheather its being a hetro CD, a Bi CD, whatever ~ isn't a joke ~and its not an easy way to go ~ its going to cost you! And, your going to pay in 'spades' with heartache, heartbreak, and hardship on many, many different levels.

Being a woman isn't easy. Being a man isn't easy either. Being both can sometimes be Hell!

You didn't say how old you were, nor he. But, having been married twice before ~ and now marired to you ~ I think its pretty well established that he's orientated toward women, mentally, pyschologoically, physically, and emotionally, and yes I dare say it,..........spiritually!

From your post, it would seem that your main concern is that he might be a transexual. Doesn't sound as though he is! Right behind that, is that is "is he bi-sexual?" Again, it doesn't sound as though he is ~ it sounds more like he's self endulging in fanatsy. Most of us are adult enough to know that there's fantasy and there's fantasy ~ which seldom if ever matches up to reality. "Miss Reality" is the biggest "bitch" you will ever meet! She doesn't play! And, she's for real ~ for real and sure! She will throw you in a hurt locker, quick, fast, and in a hurry like!

Per Dr. Phil the best preditctor of future behavior is past behavior! Guess what? His crossdressing no matter what he says, tells you isn't going to go away! It WILL manifest itself in some shape, form, or fashion.

Why? Because, again per Dr. Phil it works for him. On some level, be it mental, physcial, pyschological, emotional, sexually it works for him.

You ask why men, otherwise normal men ~ crossdress? There's your answer. Because on some level it works for them. That's the best answer I can give you. For, me personally, its a "D" answer ~ all of the above.

I've struggle with this all of my life ~ but I have only recently come to terms with it ~ in the form of self acceptance ~in that I not only need cross dressing in my life ~ I want it in my life. Its cost me ~ and I do mean "big time" I've paid a high price to get to where I'm out ~ and some have paid even a bigger price.

A choice? Give me a break! If it were a choice ~ I, myself would have choosen not to be a crossdresser! If there was a pill that I could take that would not make me a crossdresser, well there was a time in my life I would have gladly taken it! But, now where I'm at, NO!

There is documented medical evidence of a TS, who put a pistol to her mouth, and attempted to sucide herself over being TS. She survied. She in effect performed a frontal lombodmy! She was cured of being a TS. Not something that I would recommend.

We of the board, all know that you're struggling with this ~ as we have for most of our lives.

Brina,

First of all, opposites attract(yin-yang). To your masculinity you need femininity. Don't knock him because he cries, most men do. It takes a real man to show his softer side. At least you know he loves you. Would you rather a man who beats you? I have much to say but must go for now. Hope to talk more about this with you. Bye for now!

Girlfriend...You ROCK!!

If she doesn't appreciate Those thoughts...she doesn't want to listen to reason...

She has...
a mind like a steel trap...

Slammed Shut!

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Originally Posted by linzy01

Brina,

First of all, opposites attract(yin-yang). To your masculinity you need femininity. Don't knock him because he cries, most men do. It takes a real man to show his softer side. At least you know he loves you. Would you rather a man who beats you? I have much to say but must go for now. Hope to talk more about this with you. Bye for now!

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As a retired United States Marine ~ I cry all the time! There are television shows I can't watch anymore. There are places I can't go ~because I cry! There are songs ~ I can't hear ~because I cry! There are symbols, flags, emblems that I see ~ that make me break down and cry~! 27th MEU! Never forget! SemperFi!

There are memories, em-blassended upon my brain that make me cry! There are memories that will forever make me cry! The heartache, the heartbreak! The misery! The suffering! The crying, the suffering, the agony! The screaming~! The horror! The in-humanity of war. The insanity of war! The insanity of trying to stuff another man's intentines back into his body, trying to save his life! The madness! The insanity! The absurity of it all!

Sorry~! They're my demons ~my Hell! They're mine! I own them! Sorry! Weak minded moment! I apolgize for being weak, and weak minded! I go to bed with them each night ~ and sometimes they come out in the most un-expected places! Again~ I apolgize!

oh so many clever replies... not really. i find alot of the replies are catty, unproductive, and pointless -- is this some kind of turf war? you don't exchange bullets with a woman who comes to you for help -- i only do that w/ people i know intimately. she may be intolerant, but i don't think so. intolerance? it could come as big man swinging a blunt object at you, at which point there would be no catty, pointless remarks. she more or less represent the public better than anyone else i've read on here. it is reasonable to think that there are gains for both sides -- for us, an opportunity to refine tactics of conversation to a non-sympathiser. for her to asks all her "why?s" that she is absolutely entitled to.

i read alot of suggestions to husbands how to treat their wives under these circumstances, an opportunity to put them to use directly is here.

:brokenheart: It has been 24 hours since I posted my situation on this site, and I have to be honest never expected what I saw 5 pages of other peoples opinion, advice and comments some nasty some nice. But that is one of the advantages of living in this century- opinions from many who do not know you personally thus allowing for openness and non-favortism to either party and lastly if it was not for this mode of communication, who knows where many would be? In the closet? Ok just a joke. Maybe not a good one but after reading all this I wanted to put some humor into this because it is obviously a VERY HOT TOPIC. So why? Maybe it was read so many times because so many of you have been there and are there and you wonder so what if I tell it. If you get anything from this DAMNIT TELL HER BEFORE YOU GET SERIOUS.Want to know why. First, you can not get back the trust. What? You guys want me to trust your opinions, you want to trust your own gut instincts as to why you choose this life style, you want to trust that the medical field is right and you were born like this. Well then realize trust is what is the most critical aspect of a marriage/relationship and even sex. Before you decide to sleep with her tell her if you think it is going to go anywhere. You all taught me alot. Um some I wish I did not know and some was fun to read. Hey, thanks to all of you and if you are wondering if we are going to work it out? Keep posting your input keep giving us your guidance and tell us when yo tell your spouses or partners and how they are dealing with it all the help helps. Will check in later.

I think over 100 posts to this thread is enough guidance, don't you? How about you tell us about your 24 hours, what have you discussed with your husband? told anymore of your friends? I think you should be posting a bit more to this thread, I don't think it's fair that you get all this attention, post a few lines and then leave and ask for more guidance!!! If you aren't willing to give back a bit more than what you have just written, then I'll lock up this thread. You wanted it straight, I've just given it to you.

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Originally Posted by terza

oh so many clever replies... not really. i find alot of the replies are catty, unproductive, and pointless --

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Oh really, is that a fact?? I suggest you read the third post (Brinas 3rd post) AGAIN in this thread. Brina asked for and I quote -

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I need you guys to talk to me with the truth no bull or smoothing it over.

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So I suggest, you get off your high horse and post something productive, or back off this thread. The only pointless post I see in this thread is yours. :Angry3:

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Originally Posted by Tamara GG

Oh really, is that a fact?? I suggest you read the third post (Brinas 3rd post) AGAIN in this thread. Brina asked for and I quote - So I suggest, you get off your high horse and post something productive, or back off this thread. The only pointless post I see in this thread is yours. :Angry3:

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the way I feel!

I have to agree, I do not think that there is any need in keeping this thread open. There has been so much good advice offered. I must add that I have sure learned much in the last couple of days, but there comes a time when all the information has been given and it is time to move on. All we are doing now ...in my opinion...is rehashing what has already been said. thank you

Jen

Ahh again this CD is in awe of the responses, especially those placed by the GG's here. Yeah I am pretty much a GG worshipper, but read the comments thet have posted to Brina and one can't fail to be impressed.

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Originally Posted by Tamara GG

Oh really, is that a fact?? I suggest you read the third post (Brinas 3rd post) AGAIN in this thread. Brina asked for and I quote - So I suggest, you get off your high horse and post something productive, or back off this thread. The only pointless post I see in this thread is yours. :Angry3:

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Brina! You should listen to Tamara. Do you actually think for a second that she bought off on this cross dressing business tooth, and hoof? She had to choke down on it ~ it wasn't easy for her! She's the Vet that's been where you''ve been and back ~ gone again and been back again! Tamara isn't one of those, "Oh! Ok!" type of women!

She's not weak~minded, nor is she of poor spirit! She's of good stock ~she is of the best of the best! She dosen't pull any punches! She calls it like it is, as it is! She see BS for BS, and will call you on it in a heart~beat! You've not read (nor have I) half of her comments! You don't know her! Tamara has been where you're at and back and gone again!

To Tamara don't lock the thread down! Why? Becase we need it! This is what we're up against in our day to day lives!

Both you and your man have a feminine and a masculine side. All people do. Unfortunately in this polarized society we live in, most people do not realize this. This comes out in many ways. Try to be in touch with BALANCE. This is what the universe is made up of. For night, there is day: For up, there is down. For in ,there is out and so on. It is a healthy thing to find that balance within yourself. If you truly love him, let him express it the way he feels comfortable with. Let it be a secret you share. No one else has to know.It can be very sexy for both of you. We all have secrets... Don't end the relationship because of this! It can be tragic for everyone involved.I would like to talk to you more. Email me...Heavenscentual

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Oh where do i begin? A couple of months ago i found out my husband of only a few months was a cross dresser by finding a ton of clothes in his trunk. I was mortified. How could this be? You have a son. I have a daughter and i do not want this type of relationship.

{{Lengthy quoted post snipped}}

Please....sorry this is so long..and all i can say is thank you to all those who respond..

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

Brina,
Let me review a few of your quotes:
"I don not find the female race attractive at all".
"I really think women are gross"

{{Lengthy quoted post snipped}}

Best of luck to you , Kitty.

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I had read Brina's message and was at a loss where to start in trying to reply.

Then I read Kitty's reply and I just had to endorse every single word.

Thank you Kitty.

Your partner is a lucky guy/girl.

Thank you for your understanding.

osteph

way to go kittysue.

So far thank you , now its is closing time.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

:brokenheart: It has been 24 hours since I posted my situation on this site, and I have to be honest never expected what I saw 5 pages of other peoples opinion, advice and comments some nasty some nice. But that is one of the advantages of living in this century- opinions from many who do not know you personally thus allowing for openness and non-favortism to either party and lastly if it was not for this mode of communication, who knows where many would be? In the closet? Ok just a joke. Maybe not a good one but after reading all this I wanted to put some humor into this because it is obviously a VERY HOT TOPIC. So why? Maybe it was read so many times because so many of you have been there and are there and you wonder so what if I tell it. If you get anything from this DAMNIT TELL HER BEFORE YOU GET SERIOUS.Want to know why. First, you can not get back the trust. What? You guys want me to trust your opinions, you want to trust your own gut instincts as to why you choose this life style, you want to trust that the medical field is right and you were born like this. Well then realize trust is what is the most critical aspect of a marriage/relationship and even sex. Before you decide to sleep with her tell her if you think it is going to go anywhere. You all taught me alot. Um some I wish I did not know and some was fun to read. Hey, thanks to all of you and if you are wondering if we are going to work it out? Keep posting your input keep giving us your guidance and tell us when yo tell your spouses or partners and how they are dealing with it all the help helps. Will check in later.

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Brina,
You most certainly can get back the trust. I was feeling a great deal of compassion for you until now. My husband does not choose this lifestyle. If you can't trust the opinions of the people here then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE????? Do you just want to lash out at people? Most of us can understand being upset and irrational and wanting to lash out but lady what is the point? Where is this going for you? Do you really want help?

I will make another attempt to reach into your brain and make a difference for your children. GET SOME HELP BEFORE YOU DESTROY YOUR LITTLE GIRL'S MIND ABOUT HERSELF. If you convey to your little girl that women are gross you are nothing but a child abuser. Kitty

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Originally Posted by kittypw GG

Brina,
You most certainly can get back the trust. I was feeling a great deal of compassion for you until now. My husband does not choose this lifestyle. If you can't trust the opinions of the people here then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE????? Do you just want to lash out at people? Most of us can understand being upset and irrational and wanting to lash out but lady what is the point? Where is this going for you? Do you really want help?

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Kitty,

You and everyone else has offered more insight and information than Brinna would have found just surfing. Unfortunately, she has more issues to address that we are equiped to handle - most of which have nothing to do with her husband or his crossdressing.

She needs to decide that she wants to move forward and only she can do that.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

Enough is enough! Brina stepped in here stirred things up, attacked everyone, THEN comes back tries to "joke" about it and leaves.....this thread is now useless as far as I'm concerned. If "she" didn't find any help in 126 posts then there is NO helping her.
0.02

I don't think it's fair to say she 'attacked' everyone. From her point of view, she just uncovered something shocking that she's trying to understand. After all, she did come here rather than just say "you're a crossdreser? Okay, this relationship is over...seeya!"

Tamara said it perfectly, we need Brina to step up to the plate and talk about how things are going now. Until she does, there really isn't anything more that can be said that hasn't been posted already.