Need Advice I Am The Wife That Found Out And Trying To Understand.

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Originally Posted by HaleyPink2000

Ok, My take on this is why did you not tell him before marriage you wanted a Man that never does cry and is more Mocho than you are? Seems to me your actions were a deal breaker also. Oh, and the idea of staying with him over the kids. There is a good one to. Not a good idea.

I tend to think that many women use a Guys CDing, as just a way to dump them. I believe there are usually other issues that are behind the deal. Like maybe He's not mocho enough HUH? Or that He crys? HUH? What else. Tell us! Whats the real Issue here? You find someone else? It's just us girls here!

No disrespect intended or implied.
:)

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I don't know why you are quoting my post, all I said was the truth, while you are speculating.

I told the truth when I said the husband told her about the CDing late in the relationship. This was true according to Brina, and I felt he was wrong in doing this.

Now you on the other hand are just speculating that women use CDing as as a way to dump there men. there is no proof that Brina is doing this, you are just specualting your ideas of what could be happining. if Brina was using this as a reason to dump her man then she wouldn't waste time coming here to talk to us. She would justdump him.

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Originally Posted by Sophie62

I never saw in the short time that I have been in the forum such a display of attacks from one side to the other. I really thought this was a place where people would try to make tolarance, aunderstanding and real caring their modeof communication. I guess I was wrong.

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Please re:read her first few posts....she came in swinging at whoever was near and didn't even bother to hear the advice......

Yeah, red wine Dear would do nicely. Please. And lets see how far the bottle goes. LOL:)

Not Comparing you to my past, but the things I have to pull from in my past. Things I know of, as others have things they have first hand knowledge of. One of these is that I really don't know why I do this. I do know It makes me feel better when I am dressed. Compaired to many I guess I dress little.

But, to you. Don't stop posting on here because you get upset or something. Keep coming back. Maybe one thing just one person on here says will help.

:)

brina said...
"And the fact that I told one of my friends is amazing. Do any of you have a best friend? If you do not I am sorry and if you do I am more sorry that you can not trust them enough to tell them."... a little clue for ya...

I know it was already said but...

It is none of your friends' business what your husband does with his personal life!!!!!!

I have a best friend that I have known since 2nd grade, that is 21 years. I have talked to her every single day for 21 years, minus maybe 10 days. I will never tell her about my husband's CDing, unless of course he wants me too, which I know he never will. It has nothing to do with trusting my best friend, it has to do with loving and respecting my husband.

Just a Tip for the Future! Don't go blabbing things. Families have secrets. You need to learn to keep secrets. There is no friend close enough to tell your family secrets to. Or I should say there should not be. That is a breach of Contract right there. Between you and your Husband. You Telling.

Again you might not like hearing this but you need to be told!

Again raising my glass of Wine, red and half full.

No Disrespect implied or intended, BTW!

Mary Matalin was right when she wrote in a 1993 Newsweek column: “We are not victims; our daughters are not infants; our sons are not brutes; our men are not monstrous pigs.” If women hate the idea that only men can be strong, we’d better reject the myth that only women can be gentle. If we aspire to leadership, it’s time we take responsibility for our own capacity to abuse and victimize others.

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive. And before you claim yah right you were considering buying him clothes. Why would I lie.Sorry don't know you. Not interested in impressing you, thus if
I say it I mean it. Obvious from my other comments. Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in..And if you are so damn proud of your man.Why keep it a secret??If you love him let him tell all, what do you care??And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

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Originally Posted by Tammy Marie GG

Please re:read her first few posts....she came in swinging at whoever was near and didn't even bother to hear the advice......

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Dear Tammy

At was not pointing out the responsability to anyone. In fact, I was trying to estate that this is the only thred that this "backlashing" have ever taken place since I have arrived into the forum. I am well aware where this all started, but I wish we could keep the common ground of decency that have always prevail in this forum.

I wish we would forget about this odd episode and move into a more productive use of our time. If Brina does want to get some kind support and make of this a fertile experience, she knows what she has to do.


Sophie:GE:

Briana:

Your way to much!

Next thred. I'm out a Here. Bye Girls.
I'm on to another thred. Won't be back here.

Raising my empty wine glass Bri. See ya and good luck. U'll need it.

Oh and like Tamara said , listen to people here their not all wrong!

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Originally Posted by Dana

To Tamara don't lock the thread down! Why? Becase we need it! This is what we're up against in our day to day lives!

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True enough and if you can't do it on here, where can you do it. We shouldn't be frightened of debate and what it brings with it. Sometimes its ugly and sometimes its personal, but it certainly does get you thinking about which side of the fence your on. Theres one thing for sure, anyone sitting on the fence at the beginning of this thread has surely long since been knocked off.
Love BEVxxxx

Brina, it seems you have calmed down a bit since you first posted and I hope reading these posts in here have given you some insight into what being a crossdresser is. Ok, there has been some harsh words, but you did ask for that and I'm sure you are big enough to take on these words ;)

Let me tell you something about a lot of the GG's on this forum. Firstly, there are some that still do not accept their hubbies are crossdressers, they are still dealing with it and are a long way off from going out to buy them clothes. As for me personally, well I've lived with it for 7 years. 5 of those years, I can honestly say that I hated it. It is true, I have no real best friend to talk about it, but when I joined this forum 2 years ago, I found it full of the most wonderful people you could ever meet. In the 2 years I have been here, I have made so many friends and they have helped me learn to understand what being a crossdresser is. I've learnt about being transgendered, the guilt, the shame, the loneliness, the hiding, the tears.... I could go on.

It's not something we learn to accept over night, it is a hard road. Some accept it as the norm, some never get over it. These girls/boys here will tell you how it is for them, they will guide you, they will educate you, hell they will even argue black is white. But we are all here for the same reason, the same reason you joined us, to be educated, to be supported and to make friendship along the way. I applaud you for staying, for reading, for listening to what everyone here has said. But now we need to move on from this, now it's time to teach you how to go on from here. You need to tell us what you need, how you feel, how you want to take your journey from today.

This thread has educated us all, it has shown how one can join a forum and be really angry, to being much calmer. You have showed that and you have also shown me personally, you do have feelings, you do care and you do know that we are here for you. Whether you like them or not, I'm sending you a virtual :hugs: everyone needs them, everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. You have mine, for when and if you ever need it.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.

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Even if is at his expense? Do you understand even remotely the notion of being 'in the closet'?

People, for a multitude of reasons, choose to closet aspects of their lives for the fear - and a very real fear - of shame and ridicule. By telling your 'friends', have you considered the possible humiliation your husband may now have to endure knowing that they 'know about' him? He is in the closet because he doesn't want 'people' to know - and you have now facilitated the bigest fear all closeted individuals have - being discovered.

This is the same for people with substance abuse problems, eating disorders, depression and other mental health issues, abuse victims... The list is endless. All hide these aspects of themselves because they are ashamed of it - because they know that people will treat them differently because of it.

As betrayed as you feel at his hiding his crossdressing, you have committed an even bigger betrayal: you outed him.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive.

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You can handle it - now he has to as well.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in.. And if you are so damn proud of your man. Why keep it a secret??

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Mutual respect perhaps? Dare I say... Love?

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Originally Posted by BRINA

If you love him let him tell all, what do you care?? And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

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Let him tell all if he wants to. Not you, him. His choice, his terms.

One of the most life affirming actions any closeted individual can take is to step out of the closet. You, however, have tossed him out there without a second thought. Don't be surprised if he locks the door for good.

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"With all great deceivers there is a noteworthy occurrence to which they owe their power. In the actual act of deception they are overcome by belief in themselves: it is this which then speaks so miraculously and compellingly to those who surround them. ... Self-deception has to exist if a grand effect is to be produced."

- Nietzsche -

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive. And before you claim yah right you were considering buying him clothes. Why would I lie.Sorry don't know you. Not interested in impressing you, thus if
I say it I mean it. Obvious from my other comments. Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in..And if you are so damn proud of your man.Why keep it a secret??If you love him let him tell all, what do you care??And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

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oh my dear Brina, so unexperienced in all of this.....it is NOT your secret to tell, are you the one who crossdresses? NO then if HE wants people to know HE will tell them,

and FYI, I am very proud of my husband for being able to confide in me without me jumping down his throat about it.........I am not keeping any secrets as I have none. On the other hand IF my husband wanted people to know then HE would tell them...NOT me........I would NOT be exposing myself but my husband and that my dear is NOT fair! I do LOVE him that is why I RESPECT his wishes to not tell anyone, if he is happy with that so am I....that is soooo not an issue in my house.

You obviously have issues with yourself and your own femininity, or lack thereof>>>>maybe you should work on you beofer you try to work on him and you as a couple........that would be the first step

This thread could act as a caution to all involved.

Perhaps it's just how the stars are lined up in the skies, but one way or another...
It is rare to see such passions aroused so quickly, and with a seeker of help too. There is always the suspicion that the seeker, or someone with a very different tale to tell, is not what they appear and have an agenda to disrupt, a "troll" in fact. Perhaps we should have some kind of self-imposed policy that prioritises civility for a couple weeks before we become too personal in anger.
Brina has shown some remarkable shifts of thought in a short time. For some this appears to arouse suspicion and bile. I remember not so long ago, a "troll" being "discouraged" and sad and gullible I may be at times, I did not see her posts as deserving of ridicule just because they were somewhat difficult to believe. Truth CAN be stranger than fiction, so lets not be to harsh too soon. p-l-e-a-s-e.

Oh and I do not wish to offend...just add I wish HaleyPink would not use that two colour posting style, I find it kind of ...I don't know....Loud.. I think. (Is it me? )


Brina... About the goatee.... If hubby "likes it too" that's nice, but very unusual for a CD/TG to prioritise his male vanity over his femme vanity. Removal of bodyhair, particularly facial is an important part of achieving the femenine "feel" (for want of a better term). Now here's where I set myself up for shooting down .. lol ... It does seem to indicate that he is not consumed by this crossdressing, and unlikely to want to move on hormones and stuff any time soon. There are CD's who retain facial hair and persue their crossdressing apparently happily. Sadly, I can't imagine how you'll overcome the mask/kissing problem. I'd be interested how you work it out.

Best wishes all.... :)


Hugs all.... Ellaine

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Originally Posted by Ellaine

Brina... About the goatee.... If hubby "likes it too" that's nice, but very unusual for a CD/TG to prioritise his male vanity over his femme vanity. Removal of bodyhair, particularly facial is an important part of achieving the femenine "feel" (for want of a better term). Now here's where I set myself up for shooting down .. lol ... It does seem to indicate that he is not consumed by this crossdressing, and unlikely to want to move on hormones and stuff any time soon. There are CD's who retain facial hair and persue their crossdressing apparently happily.

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Seems to me Brina's husband indicated (from what I get from her first post) that he was more into dressing for sexual satisfaction self gratification. Thus he may not have transgendered tendencies. Not all CDs are TG.

If this is the case, then I doubt he'll want to shave or go further in his feminization.

Guys (TAMMY), what is up with this? When I was in my early twenties a few of my friends on a drunk night and told a guy I was dating I had an abortion. Do you think I freaked no. He asked why did I not tell him and I told him I was afraid of hurting him and didn't know how. I was not mad at them, I was actually glad. they took care of taking the stress off me, hey more power to those who talk. I was not ashamed we were always taught not to be ashamed of your lifes experiances. Those who are ashamed arent learning.
And (TAMMY)so you know re my feminity. I am tom boyish in regards that I am not some ninny girl who cries if there is spilled milk, I can thrive on my own, and if the toilet is broken I can and will fix it. That is classified as tom boyish?? I am not wearing overalls when I do this and have no desire to scratch in funny places. It is just that that has typically been a mans job and I can do it and will if it means I do not hae to wait for hours to get it done. And you comments re my feminity are really funny for yo have no idea, I was the prom queen and the head cheer leader. I still teach aerobics and yoga and find the female body un sexually attractive. When I say that women are yuk. that is what I mean. SEXUALLY YUK. So to the cd'sthat have private imd me thank you you have been so sweet and tamara thanks for the hugs not feeling real good about my husband right now and needed it..

It is so easy to misunderstand or rather misread a statement.
I am so glad that you have sorted out the unattractive female issue for us.
Keep going Brina a lot more of the thread needs clarifying..

Huggzzes
Samm

Thanks Brina,
Your post has been a vehicle for an amazing number of crossdressers and attached GGs to share a wide range of information regarding some of the most basic issues we deal with every day. For me, it has been refreshing, informative, and comforting to hear the various voices (so to speak), read the well crafted and heart-felt writings of the forum members, and get to know a little more about them, and myself at the same time.

This does not often happen, as we sometimes spend time just chatting about how exciting it is to go to a supermarket, or how aftaid we are to go to a mall, or whether we like to hook our bras in back or in front, and slide them around. Just like normal folk. We have trivial issues which we chat about, and there are celebrations of freedom, cautionary tales, shared fears, and discussions about nail polish color, and lipstick.

We talk about that part of us which is male, which is treasured by some, distained by others. We don't care. We hear from the GGs, and they both teach and learn from us. Ditto reverse. There is an amazing variety of people who post here, and in that variety each of us is unique, a single point in an infinite sky. We are alike in some ways, share some characteristice, and are very different in about the same ratio. Such is the nature of life.

This thread has amazing depth of emotion, understanding, caring, sharing, and revelation within it. For that, I thank you.

Lauren

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Originally Posted by DonnaT

Seems to me Brina's husband indicated (from what I get from her first post) that he was more into dressing for sexual satisfaction self gratification. Thus he may not have transgendered tendencies. Not all CDs are TG.

If this is the case, then I doubt he'll want to shave or go further in his feminization.

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Thank you Donna... so if we can seperate his apparent emotional personality from being part of transgenderism....err.... eggshells!!!!......Perhaps Brina need only to think of him as he appears...without any psycomongery...your man in soft and sensuous fabrics...nylon-clad... whatever...adventurous and open to exploring possibilities for stimulation. At least it would solve the mask problem..

Since Frank Zappa first sang " I have been in you. You ...have been in me" ... sales of certain accutrements have risen exponentially!!!

Just trying to be helpful...honest!!!! lol


Time to cut and run....

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Tammy the minute that he told me it became part of my world and yes that means that it is mine to tell and mine to resolve.So I can tell the world if I want to as he can tell anyone anything I have told him. And I can handle all the bashing anyone wishes to send go right ahead as long as it is productive. And before you claim yah right you were considering buying him clothes. Why would I lie.Sorry don't know you. Not interested in impressing you, thus if
I say it I mean it. Obvious from my other comments. Too bad you feel like it is such a secret must be killing you as much as it kills the closet cd'er to hold it in..And if you are so damn proud of your man.Why keep it a secret??If you love him let him tell all, what do you care??And if he does not want to tell all then why do it. Self torture??

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IT IS NOT your secret to tell


As to when did i tell my wife the day i proposed . I do feel sorry for you Brina but I feel even more for him. How can he come to this site now and seek advice ????????? You have stripped him of that. I aagree with Tamara this thread has gone as far as it can close it.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Guys (TAMMY), what is up with this? When I was in my early twenties a few of my friends on a drunk night and told a guy I was dating I had an abortion. Do you think I freaked no. He asked why did I not tell him and I told him I was afraid of hurting him and didn't know how. I was not mad at them, I was actually glad. they took care of taking the stress off me, hey more power to those who talk. I was not ashamed we were always taught not to be ashamed of your lifes experiances. Those who are ashamed arent learning.

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It is not out of the "norm" for a girl to have an abortion but for a man to crossedress in not in the societal "norm" there is a difference here....... Also the last two lines, your husband probaaly feels scared and ashamed and then you flipped out on him......true we all handle things differently, maybe it was good for him to tell you right before his trip, gave you time to cool off

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Originally Posted by BRINA

And (TAMMY)so you know re my feminity. I am tom boyish in regards that I am not some ninny girl who cries if there is spilled milk, I can thrive on my own, and if the toilet is broken I can and will fix it. That is classified as tom boyish?? I am not wearing overalls when I do this and have no desire to scratch in funny places. It is just that that has typically been a mans job and I can do it and will if it means I do not hae to wait for hours to get it done.

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FYI, I guess it is all in way you say it, I am EXACTLY like you in that respect, I can fix things, build things, not a dress person usually but will dress up for the right occassion, don't cry over the littlest things etc, BUT I do not consider myself a tomboy AT ALL :happy: it is more INDEPENDENT!!

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Originally Posted by BRINA

And you comments re my feminity are really funny for yo have no idea, I was the prom queen and the head cheer leader. I still teach aerobics and yoga and find the female body un sexually attractive. When I say that women are yuk. that is what I mean. SEXUALLY YUK. So to the cd'sthat have private imd me thank you you have been so sweet and tamara thanks for the hugs not feeling real good about my husband right now and needed it..

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Well to the above you sounded pretty disgusted by woman in the beginning and I mean in general not just sexually.......

Look I am not this mean person, I am just going by the mood you set and the way you fired off at just about everyone and ranted but didn't seem to want to listen to anyone.

I do not take back anything I said, but when you do clam down and realize that this is not the end all and after you chat with the hubby, I would be more than happy to chat and help you along anyway I can!

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Originally Posted by BRINA

Guys (TAMMY), what is up with this? When I was in my early twenties a few of my friends on a drunk night and told a guy I was dating I had an abortion. Do you think I freaked no. He asked why did I not tell him and I told him I was afraid of hurting him and didn't know how. I was not mad at them, I was actually glad.

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Your friends were wrong to do what they did - That it worked out for you is great. However, your situation and your experiences are not those of your husband. You can not expect what was right for you to automatically be right for him.

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Originally Posted by BRINA

they took care of taking the stress off me, hey more power to those who talk. I was not ashamed we were always taught not to be ashamed of your lifes experiances. Those who are ashamed arent learning.

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And your approach to 'education' is to out your husband - behind his back - and force him into a more stressful and potentially psychologically harmful situation?

Do you even care a little about how this is going to effect him?

Did you ever care at all???

[/QUOTE The decision I believe you have to make is whether you love him enough to be able to talk through and carry through a solution that you can both accept and live with without your love for each other being impaired. its a hard one but I believe that is the question you have to ask yourself QUOTE]

I have followed this thread very carefully from the beginning and whilst I have a lot of sympathy for Brina, I would ask her to consider what her husband has been going through knowing how badly (and aggressively) you have reacted your discovery.

Humiliating your husband, Brina, by 'outing ' him to your friends can only deepen the wedge that has come between you.

Brina, it is evident from your correspondence that you have been hurt before at times in your life (you particularly mentioned your abortion which will always leave a deep pshycological scar) and I wonder if part of your reaction is building a defensive wall around you against anything that might cause you further hurt.

The quote above was my my final sentence from my only earlier post on this subject and i still beleve that there can be no other solution. Believe me when I say that I feel for both of you and hope that you can find way through what seems to be building into an impasse.

I will not add further to this sad saga.

I have to speak up here and say that we are going back and forth here....BUT..... we haven't heard from the husband, we do not know anything about him except for what his wife has told us. We do not know his wants and needs or his desires. Without his input I think we have gone as far as we can, there is much here to digest.....This is in my opinion....I will sit back down and continue watching the tennis game

I've dressed on and off since i was twelve.The question of telling someone about my cross dressing be it family,friend,lover,the person you intend too marry..being discovered or telling someone leads too the thought of being exiled from family ,from friends, from your children,losing your job.. no one one understanding or willing too..risking everything you know as normal in your life..by even telling one person could ruin you forever..Even if that person is the one you hold dearest too your heart..Always wondering what is wrong with me ??I know its not right not normal..So you hide in the closet..Worrying do i have enough time to dress today ,Worrying what would happen if i got caught..Would my wife still love me ( probablly not) should i tell her??? will she think me less a man??( probablly) So you hide out of fear hoping you can repress your feelings..Maybe i'll never get caught i'll take my cross dressing too my grave..But too actually tell someone !!!To me that has to be opening yourself too your most vunerable point hoping they take the time too understand ,not just toss you aside as a freak..To me telling a lover about my cross dressing would be opening myself too the most vunerable part of my being..A secret i wouldn't want too share with anyone..a secret i've had all my own since i was a child with know one too share..too share this secret would mean a deep very deep trust..you have too understand its been my secret and mine alone for thirtyfour yrs ..so after 30 yrs or so of hiding a secret , you don't just out yourself .. ITS NOT THAT EASY!!!..i mean how ever out we are .and too what point we are acceptting..If it were for not getting caught dressed i would have never told anyone out of fear of all the lifes it would effectt..Your right before getting married if you can't purge it forever then say so be honest.... but at that time dating falling in love its something you think you can repress ,LOVE conquers all .hoping you won't have the desire to dress,hoping it won't ever come back, but it does then its too late..your married..Then the risks of someone knowing comes even steeper..Sure you should have said something !! And you never planned on doing it again..But then after 1 yr 2 yrs 10 yrs the desire you repressed comes back .. so you hide,sneak deny then get caught..And just as you supposed your world comes crashing down !!!your a freak ,your gay, you want to be a woman. when all you really want is a bit of understanding !!

that is a wondrful post Ronda! I do believe that it is not her secret to tell!