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I am not so new here, and yet have made many new friends. This past weekend I have come out of the closet to the whole family. The debate I have now is do I tell my kids. My son is 10, and my daughter is 9. I have surfed the web for advice. Mose sites split 50/50 on when to tell them. Most agree when very young, or pre teens - later. I'm :confused: . What do you think? Please help me decide... any opinions are really appreciated. Will they understand, are they to young? Will this hurt them?
I concur with the "either very young, or later teens" school of thought of this one. I have a 5 yr old and am pretty much closeted. If conditions aren't right to tell him within the next year or two, I would hope he not find out tl I tell him in his later teens.
Good luck, let us know.
Hugs, Tammi
Normally, I would have voted no! Up till now I agreed that you should either tell them when they're really young or tell them when they're adults, but not when they're in there teen/pre teens. But, now I rethinking that. (I voted "split")
First, it really depends on the releationship you have with your kids. I have a 12 year old son to whom I've been slowly revealing my TG side to... painted nails, shaved arms and legs. We have an absolutely wonderful relationship, so I'm sure that he wouldn't think any less of me. Although, I seriously doubt he will ever see me in a wig or makeup, at least not till he's an adult.
I also think that since you've come out to the entire family, you might owe it to him to tell them as well. They are afterall, part of the family too, and it's not unlikely they'll soon find out anyway. If you tell them, then you get the opportunity to instill your sense of trust and respect in them.
One reason I had recommended against it though, is the lack of discression kids sometimes display. But since you've already come out to so many, then maybe it's not such a big issue in your case. Would you be worried if they accidently told their friends (who might tell their parents)?
So, I'm still trying to answer this question for myself. I'm just not as adamantly against it as I was just a few weeks ago.
The younger the better. Do it now before they become set in their teen angsty/trendy/rebellious/ anti-parent ways.
I'm about as close to that age range as is allowed on this forum at 18, so I have (yet again) an opinion on how things may be perceived from the children's point of view.
I didn't understand crossdressing in full until about the age of 13. I knew about it much earlier than that, but didn't understand the why behind it. After watching an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus with my dad, I noticed one of the actors dressed up and asked about it... I'd say I was around 10 or 11 at that time. He said that those people do it because it's a part of their comedy, but other people do it in real life for 'fun'. Granted, my dad is no crossdresser (that we are aware of, though I doubt he is) but at that point I knew at least a little about crossdressers, enough that I could handle. Basically, what I learned was that there was a name for dressing in the opposite gender's clothes and that some people do it for the general purpose of 'fun'.
Seemed just weird to me at that age, because there were a lot of factors I didn't understand were possible at that age. Sexual thrills, for example, which is why some people dressed, and a gateway for TG to express themselves without surgery. I also didn't understand why people would do something fun like that but keep it a secret from people they loved, because at that time it seemed like a game where people would dress up and anyone could join in. There's a lot more to it I learned later, mainly from my own studies, but it took a couple of years to understand why others would crossdress (and to understand myself and where I stand on the matter). I think that before puberty, I wouldn't have been able to understand the complete explanation of crossdressing the way I do now.
My thought is this: you should try to make sure your children understand crossdressing and things about it before you say it is a part of your life. Mainly because if you tell them something that they may or may not understand, they may ask around for more information from friends, look on the internet for answers, and to get info that you can't tell whether it's putting crossdressing in a positive or negative light. If you let them know bit by bit (maybe watch something like monty python with them where it could lead into a small discussion) then you can know that you tried your best to portray crossdressers in a positive light before telling them you do it, rather than saying you do it and hoping what rumors they hear would be in your benefit. They might not understand the rumors (if they hear from someone it's sexual or for TGs, which is only somewhat true but they won't know any better), but if it sticks with them they'll someday understand what they've been told and that could result in a bad view of the CD community and yourself. Again, not sure what they'd conclude, but it would be hard to predict what sources they would go to... and I think that if they thought something was so important that their father was doing it and had kept it a secret, they'd look for answers in every way possible. So let them become aware of it and make sure they are able to understand it before you tell them you do it, at least that would allow for a safer means of maintaining your current relationship with them.
Not have the experence of having kids I don't think I could give good advice on this. Go with you and SO think is right, I don't know what else to tell you.
Well it may work out alright to tell them, but remember it's a one way choice. You can't change it once it's done. Waiting til they are older leaves more to risk as they would be much more used to you without the knowledge of CDing. Either way, I agree - discuss this with your SO and decide together what is best.
I don't know if there is a right or wrong age to tell children but one thing I know from experience is to not let them find out on their own. If I could go back and fix my mistakes I think would have told my daughter in her early teens. I don't think there is any great rush to tell your kids now but you can prepare yourself and them if you choose to do so. I wish you luck.
My kids grew up from babies knowing about my crossdressing and, in my family's case, that worked out just fine. I favor telling at an early age, while they still believe most of what you tell them. Waiting until they are teenagers (when they believe very little of what you tell them) may invite problems. Also, if other members of your family already know, it is much better for you to out yourself to the kids under controlled conditions than for another family member to accidentally out you under uncontrolled conditions.
Katie,
Normally I would have said, "No, don't tell them." I really do think that they are too young to get their developing minds around this just yet. BUT as you have already told the rest of your family, I think you now owe it to the kids to be open with them as well. Excluding them from this information at this time will only build a wall between you and them when the do find out and they also find out everyone else but them knew before hand (and they will most certainly find out). But please do not do ANYTHING without first consulting with and reaching a mutually agreeable plan with your SO. Without a united front, your chance of success is about nil.
I have one fundamental question for you: Why do you want to tell your children?
Do you plan to dress full-time? Are you contemplating telling them because it will be easier for you? Are you thinking of doing this for their benefit or for yours?
I don't know the answers to these questions, and it's possible that you don't even know for sure yourself. If you are convinced that you want to tell them for altruistic reasons, then you only need to consider how mature they are emotionally. Nine and 10 are pretty young to lay something so heavy upon your children, but if you truly believe they are capable of handling such things, then follow your heart.
I dont feel that I can give advise either. However, I have been in the same situation. My son is 12, and around a year ago I decided that he deserved to know about me. There was a lot of pros and cons, but I felt that I wanted him to know me as I am. I didnt, and dont want to keep things from him, that could be found out by accident. He could easily have felt betrayed by more than just me that way, as a lot of others know who are close to him.
When I first told him, he listened, and thought for a while, then said it was fine with him. The first time he saw me dressed, he had the biggest smile, I asked if he was ok? He told me that Melissa looked a little like me but that I looked good. He now seems to put us as two different people.Which is fine,by me. He even has bought Melissa her own Birthday present (with his money). I honestly have no regrets about telling him. I am actually Really glad that I have shared this part of my life with him! :love: I hope none of you mind, he has "met" a lot of you on here as well. He talks with me about those of you he remembers at times too. Then We also have the fact that now HE needs to keep a secret for His own good. I have explained to him that it is not me that his friends will tease, or bully etc. He doesnt seem to understand why others should have a problem with it.
At the end of the day, this decision, remains yours. And do remember, you cant take it back. But there is also a great chance, that it turns out to be the begining of an open relationship with the little people in your life! :)
Good luck! and best wishes!!
..........Melissa............
P.S. sorry for being so long winded! :o
Hi Sharon, just picked on your post to stress a small point.Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharon
There may be many reasons to tell your children, one is to protect them! We seem to forget that this isn't all about us, it has an effect on our family as well.
I left it until my kids were nearly 14 and 16 before I told them. Why?
Firstly, they are less likely to talk about it with their freinds, loose tounges etc. and secondly they have more freinds come to visit at this age and often without warning! I wanted to spare them the embarassment.
I personally, like you, would wait a couple more years, it depends on the child's emotional development.
As an aside, my wife has just informed me that my son had apparently worked out that I was a CD for himself at 10, that explains the easy comming out!
Lots of love, Rachael.
I had to vote Can't answer as I have no children but after reading the previous post's I must say I am really glad I don't have that problem to deal with.
All I can say is good luck and my prayer's are with you and your family.Huggs.
Ive been lucky, my kids just think Im a nut but they do not knock me, I taught them never to judge,only god can do that, I taught them to be respectful of other peoples beliefs, and not to dislike things, or people they dont understand. If you tell your kids, them tell them above all you love them always, kidx are not as thoughtless as some say, they understand alot more then they let on ,at least my kids do as always luv,kisses, hugs and god bless and good luck GEEGEE2 :love:Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie Ashe
I'm feeling the love here... I have been talking about men wearing girly things with the kids for a few months now. I wear nude pantyhose and nail polish around the kids all the time. My daughter and I do our together and my son wears green nail polish, I am limiting him to what he can do. He understands I want him to grow up and be his own person. I am extremly close with my kids, they look at me as god. I've never done them wrong or left there side since the day they were born. I think they would have Q's and not understand the answers. I do want to dress openly around them. I would rather them find out through me then the rumer mill. I am required to dress as a man at work, and want to dress fem out of work. They are so loving, I don't think there is much I can say to turn them from me. Dawn ML and I are just not sure what to do. I read all your responds and feel or though what you all have read. I want my kids to accept people for whom they are not what. It would allow me to be myself and for them to see a different world. I think it would be a benifit to all of us. I'll check back in a bit, I need to run. Thanks everyone, I really mean it.
Hi Katie, I didn't have time to complete my previous reply, had to don the drab and take my daughter to work in a hurry.
I wanted to add that my kids accepted what I had to say without any difficulty.
I am not that supprised in retrospect, after all I had been wearing skirts arround the house for years, never realy tried to hide it either.
You and your nail polish routine amounts to the same thing, and there lies a problem, they already accept this behaviour as normal in your household and think nothing of it. The moment you expand the issue and highlight that it is not normal, you open up a can of worms. You need to be sure that they are not likely to talk about this in school, or with their freinds. This advice isn't to protect you, more them! Kids can be very cruel to each other and often pick on the differences. :thumbsdn:
Anyway, I would err on the side of caution and wait until they are a little older, as I said earlier.
Lots of love, and best of luck, Rachael.
I don't see why anyone would care what their child's friends think about them.
If all you have to lose is some popularity in the pre-pubescent world than you have nothing to lose.
Age means almost nothing in this case, because understanding is not the issue. The child doesn't have time to worry about the intricacies of the "why".
They just need to accept and younger peoples being less affected by outside sources of sway and conformment would be far more likely to not pass judgement in such a case.
Tell the kids.
I guarantee you will regret not doing so early on.
Children can be very cruel. One comment can lead to another and that child could then become alienated throughout their school life. If I told our youngest daughter who is 11, that her dad is a CD and she then went on to tell her friends at school.... the outcome might not be pretty. Those children could then go on to tell their parents, those parents who might not know or understand what a crossdresser is, could then tell their children to keep away from our daughter and even start spreading malicious rumours throughout the school to other parents. What kind of school life would our daughter then have?? I wouldn't even consider telling her (unless it was vital) until I thought she was old enough to truely understand.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
You have to look at the whole picture, not just the home life. You have to think about how this is going to affect the children, not just you. So when making a decision, think very carefully the consequences it could have on them. They might think it's a bit of fun painting daddies nails...... but that's all it is to a 9 and 10 year old, a bit of fun.
I told my eldest daughter when she was 16 and had left school. She took it pretty well and was at the age where she could understand what I was telling her. I don't think my 11 year old is quite ready to comprehend that her dad has fem feelings and dresses like a woman. She has 5 years of school ahead of her and that imho is enough to cope with.
Comprehension is the issue. Why do you think a 9 or 10 year old will not undestand?
Some can, some can't I guess.
There really is very little chance of anything backfiring unless as stated previously, it's made to seem as an abnormal behavior to the child, something that must be shared with the world.
I'm sure most kids don't go around talking about what their parents do anyhow, so if they saw this as something normal there is no reason for them to go prancing to their friends and gossiping every detail about how daddy pretends to be a woman, and even then, how much stock does one put into what a little kid says?
Unless the phrase "touched me" or "hit me" is included in the childs daily conversation nobody is going to care.
Nevertheless, only one person (or two people) here knows the kids in question.
I am basing my opinions of my own experience with the age groups.
One thing that no one has mentioned yet, is they might allready know. Most children are very intelligent and figure things out for themselves. My son will be five years old next month, and he knows, I haven't come right out and told him, but he's noticed my legs/body hair shaved, toe nails painted, and alot of womans clothes in my hamper/closet ect. Children are pretty good at figuring things out, but are happy to play along. Take Santa Claus, many children stop believing in Santa at an early age but just play along with the parents.
As for my vote, I'm split on the answer. I have no real plans on telling my son anytime soon. I'm not sure when I will. This is one really tough question.
Here's my question that only one person knows the answer to:
What exactly are you going to tell the children?
-"Daddy wears womens clothing."
or
-"Kids, there comes a time in every persons life when they have to come to terms with themself... *rambling* ... gender dysphoria and the urge to be something or someone you were deprived of being from birth... *more rambling* why when I was your age... *digress*.
Why not just release the info in stages according to what you think they can handle.
Don't wait to tell them about this INTEGRAL part of your personality, but don't blow their mind with psychological jargon or anything that will make homework seem easy or fun.
See what I'm sayin?
I'm certainly too new here to give the greatest advice but I think it comes down to the respect that you have for the relationships that mean the most to you and the power that drives us all to CD at different levels. My youngest is 19, very liberal and open minded, but I think it would hurt our relationship just at the time that he is getting ready to move on to his own life. My daughter is older and is expecting her first child and I don't want to mix in the confusion of my personal journey on one of our life's greatest momments. It is for each of us to work this puzzle. I hope it works out the best for you.
I'm pretty sure kids do. How do I know this?? because my daughter tells her best mate stuff all the time and visa versa. Do you have children?? Yes children are very observant and do notice things. However, I do believe children need protecting from what other people think. Yes I agree that CD's should shout from the rooftops what they are.... but lets be realistic here, these are 2 children, very young children. Children have to be protected from everything. If you aren't a parent yourself, you can't possibly understand what it is like. If you don't live around children 24/7 then you can't possibly have any idea what children are like. You have to answer this question from a parents point of view, not how it was for you when you were that age.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ibuki_Warpetal
I don't have kids but I know the sensitivity of this issue. Parenting changes the dynamics here. It is no longer only about yourself..and even if the child does understand it is still something then that they have to deal with the rest of their life. An awful lot to ask of a adolescent who is learning to deal with so many issues in the outside world that directly affect them as well.
I think Tamara is just looking at this from a parent's viewpoint in trying to do what is best for the child. Again...while I don't have kids...I would probably react the same way as she is under similar circumstances.
Just my 0.02 here.