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[SIZE="4"]My spouse is against my CD and she offers this reason to get me to stop.
CD is a form of self indulgent behavior and the crave waxes and wanes with time. If we try to control the urge and prevent it to peak, one can control it. If we allow ourselves to indulge, It will turn into an addiction. Eventually, it will be CD 24/7, then TS and catastrophic changes will result.
I am unsure if that's valid.
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To some on the outside looking in, cding can appear as your spouse states it.
In reality every one of us is on a different path that takes a life time to walk and the end can't be seen form here.
Some will just CD, Some will discover they need to do more, and Some will discover they are TS
Indulging in cross dressing from time to time does not mean you are destined to go full time or transition, but one thing is sure - if you DON'T indulge in it, your wife is safe, and you certainly wont go full time.
I believe that your spouse is completely wrong. She assumes that your crossdressing is abnormal behavior. The short answer is that it is normal and not deviant. I suggest she read Miqqui Alicia Gilbert Phd of York University
Your spouse is completely ignorant. Sounds like the only hope for peace & possible acceptance is couples therapy- but you'll need to research for therapist who has knowledge of TG issues and not a random one who might agree with your spouse it's sick.
it's a fear based argument, by denying you the ability to CD, she's trying to keep things as she's always seen/expected, if she allows you to CD things MIGHT get out of hand or it might be limited to CD'ing.
let's put her argument in a different scenario, let's say she doesn't want you to eat cakes, because she's afraid you'll become overweight, and eventually a baker, but then again you might simply want a slice of cake... it's taking 1 thing and running it into an exaggeration...
some people just underdress, some people crossdress in the privacy of their homes, some CD 24/7, some find that they aren't happy as a man and go into a whole other area called TS.
For me I'd say that's not too far from the truth. It's not a craving, more like a spiteful reaction to my bad GG relationships. Like, okie doakie fc you then - I'll be my OWN girl! Doubt it's gonna become an addiction - too much inconvenience & time wasted. Serves a purpose fow now.Quote:
Originally Posted by linda.wai
Wow, after all of these years, finally the definitive explanation. If you believe that this is just an self indulgent behavior then by all means proceed according to your spouses expectations. As for me, I'll sirt here and wait for the catastrophic changes.
lind.wai, when my girlfriend (now my wife) found out about about my crossdressing there were a whole series of conversations about crossdressing. Of course the first question that got asked was if I was gay. I am not gay, but like all people with transgender issues there needs to be some conversations with yourself, your spouse or a therapist to help you figure out why you crossdress. Do you want to eventually transition to become a women? Or do you do it for stress relief or other reasons? The more you come to an understanding about why you crossdress the easier it will be to explain to your spouse your need for crossdressing and be able to put her mind more at ease.
Linda, I have been a CD for over 60 years! In your wife's statement I see only one truth. It does, or can, wax and wane. But I don't believe it is self indulgent behavior, or that it should become an addiction. Of course, those items are totally dependent on you, as the person affected! I completely stopped crossdressing twice in my life. Once when I entered military service for 4 years, and later in life after I was married. My late wife knew and approved of me being a CD, but I thopught it was best for our family if I stopped, so I did. About 5 years later my dear wife asked to start CD' again as she missed Stephanie!! So I did and still do! But I don't have to!! No one makes me dress enfemme! I do it simply because I like the fit, feel, and look of feminine clothing! I have no desire to be a woman, just like to dress like one!
In my experience, not endulging results in the peaks and valleys. You can only hold your breath for so long before you need to breath. The endulging is required for you to learn what it is you really need. If you are cut-off you will remain unenlightened. You both need to just accept it and enjoy it, you may learn that you are much happier as a result... and most people don't decide to change their bodies...well, maybe to loose wieght or get fit.
Nobody can say for sure what the future holds ,but one thing is for sure the " pink fog " does have a way of leading those down a selfish and un certain path . Do you or have you communicated and ensured your wife that you have peaked? It sounds to me as if your Cding has grown for you wife to express any concerns to you about it, has it? If so than you answered your own question?Quote:
Originally Posted by linda.wai
I don't personally think Cding grows I feel we take time reaching our peak level . Keep in mind every cder is different . The growing is expressing the desire to fully reach your peak be it through fully dressing , going out ,having sex while dressed or getting a bigger closet and dressing more often. To your wife that is growing and I think it's a fair statement.. So has your dressing habits changed?
So if one has an interest and spends all their time indulged in their interest then they are addicted to it catastophy results. Hmm remember that next time I mow the lawn and trim the hedges......every week. Maybe it could also be said for researching for education or business reasons. Yes it is self indulgent, you are applying make-up and dressing to yourself. Indulged in it? Maybe so, but they say practice makes perfect. Catastrophic results: for her maybe, for you freedom. Sorry but I do not agree completely with your wifes' ideas. Next time making love don't peak, control it and then see the look on her face.
well, i also indulge in my 1970 dodge challenger restoration from time to time. When I actually do, I get WAY more intense tunnel-vision(where the outside world doesn't exist), and I usually stay up for days in the garage....just about forgetting not only who I am, but what my wife's name is. Also had some catastrophic changes to my body when I nearly cut fingers off, burnt my eyebrows off, and been crushed by heavy objects. After a few days, I get my fill and emerge from the garage unscathed & the person I was when I entered it. Its ok. Life in general is a self indulgent activity.
However, the OPPOSITE is tru for me!:brolleyes:
After I found this site years ago and was COMPLETELY CONSUMED with either dressing, or PLANNING my next CD session! After a few month's, I suddenly lost ALL DESIRE TO DRESS! That lasted a couple months. I seem to have arrived at a balance now. I dress and think about it whenever I want to. Inevitably, that desire passes!:)
I dressed for 5 days straight at the SCC. After spending WEEKS preparing for it! It's been a month since then, and I'm just now getting excited about dressing again!:D
hiya Linda,
The statements are a good example of a ”logical fallacy”, specifically the one called “Slippery Slope”. This is where the arguer claims that a sort of chain reaction, usually ending in some dire consequence, will take place, but there’s really not enough evidence for that assumption. (“if A, then B, and if B, then C,” and so forth.).
When you opt to use chains of consequences in a discussion, the chains must be reasonable for the argument to be valid. In the example you posted, there is not sufficient evidence (that I know of) to support the chain of consequences she is claiming.
I would simply ask her to provide documentation for each part of her “chain”. (If A, then B, etc.).
But that’s just me…
:)
For a fetish, the addiction part and how to control it can be true. But it won't lead to TS'ism.
It sounds like couples therapy may be helpful. She seems to have a very narrow minded view of cd'ing. Also just because she says it's so doesn't mean it is, I kind of have to deal with this mind set.
Sure the urge to crossdress waxes and wanes with time, but so do many other things in life. I don't want to have a hamburger or waffles every day of my life, but there are some days when that is exactly what I crave. As far as self indulgent goes, sure it is to an extent, but so are many other things in life. How about your wife going to a beauty parlour, or buying a pair of shoes or a purse or clothes she doesn't really need? Going out to a movie or a play or a restaurant when you don't really need to? Buying a new couch when the old couch still works (even if it is well worn you can't understand why you ever liked that particular color), or owning a car when it isn't needed for your job and public transit exists? If you are going to do this it should be both of you eliminating self indulgent behaviours, not just you, and I suggest you both sit down and make a list so you can be sure to identify all such behaviours and can then monitor each other for compliance (not really serious about this last sentence).
To me part of what makes life worth living are some of the self indulgent activities we engage in, and as long as those activities are not harming anyone and done in moderation I don't see what the problem is and I certainly don't find her argument valid.
So, your spouse uses the "slippery slope" behaviour to try to indulge her wish for you to stop.Quote:
Originally Posted by linda.wai
Any behaviour can be self indulgent - for example watching a film is a form of self indulgence (after all, you wouldn't do it if it did not give you pleasure). It is only if taken to extreme where it causes you to ignore the needs of those who are important inyour life that self indulgence becomes a problem.Quote:
Originally Posted by linda.wai
The need (crave is too emotive a description) can wax and wane over time, but so can the need to indulge any other pleasure.
"If we try to control the urge, we can control it" - that is a circular argument that adds nothing to the debate.
Over-indulgence in many pleasures can on rare occasions turn into an addiction. Cross-dressing does not have any of the negatives usually associated with addiction - self harm , antisocial behaviour ... Indeed it can actively prevent self harm in some circumstances.
Cross-dressing even 24/7 does not turn you into a Transsexual, you either are or you aren't. It is a recognised medical condition, NOT conditioned behaviour.
You may need to find out for whom there is catastrophe if someone suffers from Gender Dysphoria (the medical diagnosis for transsexuality).
:2c:
Oh my if you even do it one more time. The devil will have you, you are an evil person for being different. You will dress again and end up pregnent. Your wife is so smart about this and obviously knows what will happen. forget what everyone on this forum says. what do they know. Don't go to a counselor because he or she will tell you that you are what you are. That you will not change and that you will need to find out at what level you need to just be happy. Your wife will be told that she has the right to accept you the way you are or leave but not stay and torment you. So please remember next week you will wake up and find that your body has changed into a real womans body. Because of all the evil in your heart being born different from others ..... You should get the idea by now.
I agree with Kelly -- just like other issues in the forum, the answer depends on who we are. For some of us with strong TS tendencies, 24/7 and gender reassignment is in the cards -- but that's because the TS tendencies were there to start with. Some of us dress or underdress once in a while in the closet, and there are all shades in between. It probably is self-indulgent, but so are other things that we do for ourselves! Perhaps the issue is figuring out where you fit in this spectrum, and discussing this with her.Quote:
Originally Posted by linda.wai
Chuckle. As if humans can be anything other than self indulgent. Controlling the urge to focus solely on those things that make an individual happy or secure (and there are infinite varieties) has kept philosophers and theologicians up at night forever. The bottom line is not whether CDing is a self indulgent behaviour that will cause one to slide down a slippery slope, the question moreover should be: are you a balanced person? Do you offset this behaviour with other behaviours that are externally focussed? Cding just one aspect of ones personality that brings happiness and pleasure at times but not the only aspect. To imagine that we all here on this board are just CDer's and somehow that is the only thing that defines us is preposterous and narrow minded. Sounds to me like she's the one trying to be self indulgent by oppressing your occasional need for self expression.
I want to ask for a show of hands.
" If I allow myself to CD once in a while, my urge for CD will ebb and lower for a period of time and will not lead to more crave or addiction"
My own answer is YES, the urge will lower and i only feel good and won't end up addicted.
What's the view of other sisters here?
My spouse is against my CD and she offers this reason to get me to stop.
1. CD is a form of self indulgent behavior and the crave waxes and wanes with time.
Yes it is self indulgent, so is watching television. And it does wax and wane, but what difference does that make to the subject?
2. If we try to control the urge and prevent it to peak, one can control it.
If it comes as an urge, for many, the control is to dress, to deny it causes the urge to become overwhelming.
3. If we allow ourselves to indulge, It will turn into an addiction.
If the urge is strong, it is an addiction, one with no known "cure".
4. Eventually, it will be CD 24/7, then TS and catastrophic changes will result.
I can't answer this one for anyone but me, but after 60 years of crossdressing, I've never gone 24/7 for more than a few days, and so far the only catastrophic changes that have happened to me, where I got fat and old, I don't think dressing caused either of those conditions though.
5. I am unsure if that's valid.
Now, there is your problem, your not sure, and there is no way you can reassure her, when you are not sure where you are headed yourself.I've found the level of dressing needed to make me feel good about myself, and still be the man of the house, my wife feels secure in the fact I will always be there for her, to kill the spiders, figure out what is wrong with the car, and all that guy stuff, and I feel secure enough to know she loves me is a suit or a skirt just the same.
Tina B.