FROM THE BACK OF THE CLOSET Week 3: Ever feel alone?

I was just thinking back about my teens today, and thought of a question. When you were growing up, did you always feel alone in a group? Did you know you were different? Where you afraid of being physically intimate with a girlfriend despite REAAALLLLLY wanting to do it? (because of the emotional connection required, not inexperience, kind of afraid to let someone in that close) I know that I was always very comfortable when by myself, but not lonely. Anybody else feel anything like this? Could this comfy feeling when alone, be there because there is no one around that we have to live up to thier expectations, and can just be ourselves?

OK, its a couple of questions, I know.:p

I have read that the need to dress is a way for us to access our emotions, emotions that we have locked up and will not let our male selves be in touch with. I guess this makes sense to me. Despite being raised to believe that its OK for a guy to be emotional, I would never let anyone see me that way. I had to always be the strong one, the one everyone could count one to get us all thru it, to keep it together. I have found however since on the road to self acceptance, that I am more in touch with my femme side at all times, feeling just a little discomfort now in those social situations where I used turn and run.

Tammy, reading your post seems a bit like reading my own mind. I understand just how you felt, and how you feel right now. I don't think you are likely very different from many of us. And here, you have a lot of sisters of like mind. It's kind of nice...you can be alone, and be with many others all at the same time. I feel ya, sistah!

Hi Tammy ~
Yes I know what you mean. When I was young I was shy, withdrawn, self conscious and different, kinda like I didn't fit in with any group. Had very few friends and they weren't that close. I was pretty much a loner, and still am for that matter. When I feel lonely and want to talk with someone, I pick up the phone or go visit a girlfriend. Oh, I can be very social, after having worked with the public for over 25 years. But I enjoy my solitude too much to change. I've got no stress, no pressures and no-one yapping in my ear every 5 minutes. So I guess I don't get all that lonely.

Hugs ~ Kim

Couldn't agree more with what has been said. At the same time that is what is part of the wife not really accepting my dressing now. I am suppose to be the strong one. I really don't want that label, i want to be who i am, and who lives with in me.

"Hey You! Get off of my cloud" and out of my head.

Odd, but everything that has been said here, fits me to the letter! Wow!

Wow Tammy, you are so on target with your comments. This past year I have been working with a therapist and while some of it concerns my crossdressing, really a good deal of it is my emotional detachment. I don't yet know how to let people close to me and that is really an issue as I have been married for over 20 years. I will be thinking a lot about what you wrote. Looking forward to other comments.

tiffany

My family moved when I was going into the 6th grade. For the previous 5 years I had grown up with the same friends and classmates. I had a difficult puberty, and being in a new school and everything -- well, I started spending more and more time alone. But I wasn't lonely, in the sense that I did have friends, socialized and got along great with others -- but I also started really valuing my 'alone' time. That's been fairly much my pattern ever since -- I have friends and work associates, but I don't have a "best friend". I'm completely comfortable with myself alone, and if I don't get enough time by myself, I get irritable. As Marla said -- here I can be alone and surrounded by friends at the same time.

What's described here as being part of a social group or gathering yet still feeling lonely and isolated can be very disconcerting, confusing and upsetting. That's generally how I felt through my teens, 20's, and just until recently! But I don't think withdrawing from social interaction is really a sustainable coping mechanism; obviously there are times being alone is nice, but personally I wouldn't want to be like that all the time.

Specifically about cd'ing, I'm at the same point as you Tammy of "self-acceptance", which has had a small positive effect on my self-confidence. But as great as this forum is for support (not just in terms of advice on lingerie and cosmetics, but also psychological!), I know that the next step for me has to be to find someone I know I can talk to in confidence about this, be it family, or friends, or a counsellor. Not sure who yet!

Yet, I'm also with Kim and Shannon: there's nothing like closing the door on the world after a tough day and enjoying some 'me' time!

Hi,
I've been a loner most of my life and I've never been very social or much of a "joiner", though as I get older I think I'm gradually more at ease with new people and situations - although never completely at ease. There's never been a time I've felt threatened because of who I am though. One needs to realize that virtually everyone everywhere at all times throughout history has felt alone or that they were the "only one" to have acne, be embarrassed, or feel the alienation of adolescence.

Best,
Gunda

A feeling of alienation is very common among our community and most of us grow up into adults who value time alone and are not afraid of lonliness. This is all part and parcel of gender dysphoria where we rejected the role that society wanted us to play - we knew that we were different and made up our minds not to give into masculine peer pressure. Because we had no-one to turn to, our only option was to internalise our feelings and limit our socialising time and circle of friends. Usually our socializing skills sucked because of our self-imposed isolation.

Part of the masucline image which we rejected was the idea that girls were just sexual conquests. We respected girls too much to play that game, perhaps even idolised them and put them on pedestals, even wanted to be one. However young girls tend to like being chased around and seduced so we were no match for our masculine brothers out to prove their manhood, and besides our chat-up lines sucked:D

I remember thinking to myself during my teenage years - why can't the girls chase after me and seduce me. Alas that never happened:( Most of us were resigned to the fact that we had to play the male role in order to get girlfriends and the strong, silent male stereotype was most attractive to us as this fitted in with our feeling of alienation and our inability to express our locked-away feelings.

We also tended to avoid all that male bonding stuff where men group together to get drunk, sing loudly and push each other around while telling tall tales about how they get laid everynight with a different girl then playing football at 3am before vomiting and going to bed at sunrise. Too much testosterone on display, No Thanks, I will just stay home tonight and practice my make-up:thumbsup:

Hi Tammy

That pretty much describes me too. I got a notice about the class reunion not too long ago, not going to it. I never fit in then so why go now. There are times that I feel something was left out of my emotional makeup. Hard for me to connect with people even now. As Shaylynn, I can get in touch with my feelings, desires, or at least find it easier to talk about them. I could never do this in my male persona. being Shaylynn has made me a better person.
Hugs
shay

Tammy

What a great thread and thought provoking questions. You seem to have been in my head too. I have had (and to a certain extent still have) those feelings.

As for interaction with young ladies when I was in high school, you're right on the mark as well. My wife (who went to high school with me) tells me that she (among others) were throwing themselves at me. Now that I look back, I can see that, but at the time was blind to it. In the end, because I was blessed to have her marry me, it all worked out.

Love

Lynne

Very perceptive, Helana!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tammycd

...did you always feel alone in a group? Did you know you were different?

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Yes, and I still feel that way. My feeling of "alone-ness" is probably because I prefer to talk with people of similar intelligence (I tested with an IQ of 140 in 7th grade) and tend to avoid hanging out with idiots. I don't tolerate "stupid" very well. I've never understood the "jock" mentality. I played sports all my youth, and still do some baseball, basketball, golf, tennis - but still HATE, as in SEETHING DISDAIN X 10, watching football on television!! I don't know why - I just do. I played football in jr high & high school, only in gym class, I never went out for it because I think it is a stupid game for the most part. (but I digress)

Sex was never a problem for me, I am probably an 8 or 9 out of 10 (even with the extra 15 or 20 pounds!) and an entertainer-type personality so finding women to sleep with was easy my entire life. But finding a woman I could actually "connect" with was difficult. Most of them wanted the whole marriage/kids/dog/house thing, and I wasn't up for the game. I finally married a woman with brains but no tolerance for my "fem" side. When we dated, she thought it was sexy that I wore pantyhose, but after marriage - no more!!

I love politics, guns, business, making AND spending money, and travelling all of America. I've gone skiing in the winter and scuba diving in the summer. I've taken a ton of college classes and never feel like I can get enough.

One word ALWAYS!!!!!:( :crying:

Comes with the territory I am sure. Unless you live in an urban area and can "get out" with others. That could take the edge off

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Adele 2005

Specifically about cd'ing, I'm at the same point as you Tammy of "self-acceptance", which has had a small positive effect on my self-confidence. But as great as this forum is for support (not just in terms of advice on lingerie and cosmetics, but also psychological!), I know that the next step for me has to be to find someone I know I can talk to in confidence about this, be it family, or friends, or a counsellor. Not sure who yet!

Yet, I'm also with Kim and Shannon: there's nothing like closing the door on the world after a tough day and enjoying some 'me' time!

---

Adele,
I know about your next step. I am very lucky to have the priviledge of being raised by two very open minded parents. Since this all cropped up in my marraied life, and my wief needed someone to talk to about it, she asked if she could talk to my parents. She knew hers would in no way even attempt to understand. Anyway, she talked to them, and I was like shiting bricks that night and the next day. I got a call from my Dad, and he said he was leaving work early and wanted to stop by. Well you can imagine what was going thru my head (Dad = strongest man I ever new, Vietnam vet, Cop, raised me to be a man's man.) Anyway, he came in and said " Your Mom and I just want you to know that we are totally OK with you, and love you just as you are. I could not be any more proud of you Son." Whewwwww!!!!! We talked for a while, which is not easy with your Dad. Like I said I wasn't so sure he wouldn't kick my ass for me. In the end though, they have been there for either my wife or I to talk too. I think it makes Dad a little uneasy, but they are supportive.:)

My point is, you know your parents and family, if you think they could be OK with this, it turned out to be a huge positive in my life. I wouldn't want to imagine what our relationship would be like if they were not OK with me being a CD. I love them, and value our relationship. So just be sure if you decide to tell someone. Hopefully, it will be for the best, but be prepared if it isn't.

BTW, wifes parents comment, "He's too good a person for something like that". Not accepting at all. Now I kinda get a kick outta pushing the Liberal conversation around them, no courage to tell me what they really think!:p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Helana

Part of the masucline image which we rejected was the idea that girls were just sexual conquests. We respected girls too much to play that game, perhaps even idolised them and put them on pedestals, even wanted to be one. However young girls tend to like being chased around and seduced so we were no match for our masculine brothers out to prove their manhood, and besides our chat-up lines sucked:D

I remember thinking to myself during my teenage years - why can't the girls chase after me and seduce me. Alas that never happened:( Most of us were resigned to the fact that we had to play the male role in order to get girlfriends and the strong, silent male stereotype was most attractive to us as this fitted in with our feeling of alienation and our inability to express our locked-away feelings.

We also tended to avoid all that male bonding stuff where men group together to get drunk, sing loudly and push each other around while telling tall tales about how they get laid everynight with a different girl then playing football at 3am before vomiting and going to bed at sunrise. Too much testosterone on display, No Thanks, I will just stay home tonight and practice my make-up:thumbsup:

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Helana,
Couldn't agree more. My male friends always treated women like crap. I always wanted such a deep emotional connection, to feel love and give love, and they just wanted a piece. They got it, and I sure didn't. OK maybe I am still a little bitter!:rolleyes: Isn't it odd how most women I hear complaining about thier men, say they don't share or connect, or ya know deep emotional stuff, that I certainly desire in a relationship. How come when we tell our secret, many of us are rebuffed again? I guess most don't see our revelation of such a huge deal and a show of trust, and faith.

Never into the male bonding thing either.:thumbsup:

This thread just goes to show that the forum here is a very useful tool for those of us on our own journey for happiness. Thanks to all who have responded. What a wonderful feeling to know that as much as I feel alone, I am really never alone.

I don't know, but somehow in these days, I feel very alone, probably because I live alone by myself and just going to class, and come back home, The thing is I don't have GF yet, but I would love to get one from my college. There are pretty college chicks, but don't know much how to approach to them....I do need GF really bad....yeah...really bad....if I had GF, I would probably felt not alone, so does she.....

After reading all of this, I no longer feel alone.

Helana you said it best for me I would put girls up on a pedestals making relationships hard and wanting to look like one at the same time. Teen years were tuff. I would have dated any girl that chase after me and seduce me.

I've been a loner most of my lifelike Gunda and as I’m older I’m getting that I have found however since on the road to self acceptance, that I am more in touch with my self.

Tammycd It is odd how most women I hear complaining about their men, say they don't share or connect, that know deep emotional stuff, which I certainly desire in a relationship. How come when we tell our secret, many of us are rebuffed again? I guess most don't see our revelation of such a huge deal and a show of trust, and faith. I told my wife before we married and that didn’t bring anything to the relationship but gilt of having to hide this part of me because of marring her didn’t cure me of my wants to dress. It seems that most women are intimated by men that are invading there space if we want to dress like them. True?

How I realy need a wife that understands write now I feel so alone now.My good male are all out of state or with there own full plate its so hard to make good new friends that last more than six months. It is lonely.

Diann

Hello

Alone, yes for many years I felt alone. I have ove the past 7 months been seperated so I have felt alone once again. I have gotten over that, for being single or seperated you have to try whatever it takes to get over that. For me it is finding new friends and getting in a deeper relationship with my brother. I take life one day at a time and do not worry about what other people think. I hope the best for you. If you like to talk drop me a line,


Love


Darcy Ann

I am not alone, but feel alone at times.......mostly because I don't have anyone significant in my life to share Rachel. I have friends, colleagues and family, but only my wife knows and it is an off limits topic!:mad: I am a bit of a loner, have low tolerance for situations in which I am not comfortable and don't seek out opportunities to feel more comfortable in them. I am quite happy with my fem side and my acceptance of Rachel (no purging here!:) ) But there is something missing, I guess it is an intimacy with a loved one who accepts all of me. That's the alone in a group issue for me.

As I read through the responses to this thread, I see that so many of us have have similar experiences and feelings. For myself, I never enjoyed being with groups of guys with all of the boasting and macho BS. I still don't enjoy large groups of any type: male, female, mixed. No one could ever understand why I would avoid the large groups.
After my first marriage, once I got past the devastation and the hurt, I found that I really enjoyed my time alone. Sometimes I would dress and just spend a quiet evening or sometimes not. But that time helped me to realize and accept who I am. Even now that I am remarried, I relish and treasure my time alone.
Debra