Respectfully curious

Hi folks - I am a straight, married female writer and am writing a character who is male CD, hetero and single about 33yrs. British, and 'happy' on the surface, but complex underneath...and partly as a consequence of his cross dressing/gender identity, is an acutely intuitive thinker 'out of the box' - hence making him a great detective. I've been online trying to research for my character, but it seems to me, after trawling the www, that CD is the poor cousin of other transgender situations. I really want to find out what makes my character tick; what might be at the root of his CD, and what it says about him. Of course I realise there won't be one single answer to this, but I don't want to just make up what a straight woman might perceive as a 'reason' or set of reasons for CD behaviours and - I hesitate to say 'compulsions', and I'd really be honoured if some of you might answer some direct questions. My questions are all totally out of respect and in pursuit of understanding and empathising with my character, who I do not want to be accused of being a stereotype. Would this be okay? Am I on the right forum? I did have a look at the writers' forum, but it seemed more for creatives rather than research. I am British and UK based, btw - though it seems most of your are from the US. But this site does seem the most CD friendly that I've found, as opposed to cross dressing as a step on the way to gender reassignment. Any advice would be very much appreciated, so... may I ask some quesions? Liz

Hi Liz

I replied to your post in the other thread, but it's probably better to reply here as well. I'm based in the UK and would be more than happy to answer your questions. If you would prefer to ask them in a private message, that's fine by me, but I think you need to write a few more posts in the message board before you can PM.

Also, as if I need to point out - I'm new to this and other chat forums so if I'm making any blunders (eg don't know what tag is or if I should use) any tips will be appreciated. Thanks. x

Oh, thanks so much, Jenni! I don't even know what PM is, so hope I'm not upsetting anyone. Essentially I'm wondering about personal experiences. The obvious UK testimonials and positive role models come from Eddie Izzard and Grayson Perry (who is actually represented by my agency, but I wanted to hear from 'normal' folk so to speak. From some of the threads I've looked at there seems to be a question of is it a compulsion or fetish or just a happy exploration of an alternative gender - and for those answering on the compulsion thread, there seemed to be a common link to OCD - but then, there would be, wouldn't there, because that's what the thread was about. Understandably there has mostly been a degree of secrecy and shame involved for CD folk - but that's surely largely cultural, isn't it? Eddie Izzard says he knew he was CD (I'm assuming TV is no longer acceptable) when he was 4 yrs - and his mother died when he was 7yrs - and he has often wondered about a correlation between continuing and this traumatic life event. I've also heard from some other CDs that there was an absence/loss of female role model - but can't help feel this may be a little convenient for those who want to explain away everything that isn't totally conformist. Anyway - that's a bit of a mish mash of questions to fire at you, but hopefully it explains some of what I'm curious about. Are there common links between CDs that you know? And did you know at an early age?

I am also based in The UK and would be more than happy to help answer some questions from MY perspective. It is something close to my heart, as I think that WE as 'T-girls' need to get out and about more in the World so that people can see that we are NOT freaks, weirdo's and so on... But it is VERY scary to go out and about, so easier said than done! I get SICK and tired that in the media, T-girls are more often than not portrayed as weird and freaky, objects of ridicule, or mass murderers! We are where gay people were 50 years ago and it has to change. Happy to do a voice chat if you want to have a more inter-active Q and A. BTW ... I admire Eddie Izzard so much. He took a real gamble 'coming out' and had so much to lose, but he showed that it CAN be done.

D x

Hi Debi - thanks so much for replying. What you say is exactly why I want to explore the reality of CD in society today, but make it just one facet of my character's personality - not to have him be solely defined by it, if you see what I mean. "Oh, right, that's the show about the gay cop" or 'that's the one about the cross dressing detective'. Of course it's a defining feature, it makes him able to see things from a perspective that a conservative, straight - and probably secretly homophobic 'normal' policeman wouldn't. Anyway - I'm a way away from that. I agree, I love Eddie Izzard, and I'd like to model my character more on him than Grayson (no offence to him) - to help smash the cliches and get to the real man in all his complexity.
So, if I may ask about your personal experience - when did you know you had a desire/need to dress up, is it a compulsion? Are you straight? Do you have a partner? Do you think there was any particular reason - for you, specifically? Does it/has it made you happy/sad? An inevitable outsider? Would you prefer not to be the way you are? Please decline to answer any if they're too personal or cheeky! x

Hi Liz .. I am VERY happy to answer ALL you questions, but I would prefer in a more 'private' way ... That's just me ... some girls will be more than happy to answer in an open forum, but I'd rather keep it more private - hope you understand x

PM just means private message. If you click on a person's name, a pop up will appear with an option to view their profile. From that page you can send them a private message.

The CD community is as diverse as any other community. From CD's who straight, to those who are gay or bisexual. There are those that go out dressed, either to carry out every day activities, or those who just go out to "specialist" clubs catering for the CD crowd. Then there are those that just dress at home in private. There are many who live this life in secret, not even telling their partners (we refer to our partners here as significant others, or SO's for short). There are those who have told their SO's, and their SO's have either accepted it or want nothing to do with it at all. Many who have told their SO's end up still dressing only in private because their SO's can't accept it.

As for the reasons why we crossdress, these vary from person to person. Some may dress for sexual stimulation, others just because it helps them relax. We all have an opinion on why we first began to crossdress - that is, what are the reasons behind the "compulsion", but again you will come across a variety of explanations, thus indicating that either there isn't one single reason that can be ascribed to every CD, or that we, ourselves, can't be 100% certain why we do it.

I was a little older than Eddie Izzard before I KNEW I was a CD - I can't put an exact date on it, but it was around 10 years old. But my first experience happened when I was around 5 - my sister and cousins dressed me up, and instead of fighting them, trying to stop them, it gave me a huge buzz inside. The only thing I did fight was to try and ensure that my feelings (how much I enjoyed it) didn't become noticable by my sister and cousins, because I felt that what they were doing to me was "wrong", not "normal". I mean, even at such a young age, I "knew" that boys just did not dress up as girls - that was out of the ordinary, and I didn't want to NOT be normal.

I would personally regard it as a compulsion. Not sure that I would label it a fetish for me personally. I have often felt guilty about it, and yes, have often felt ashamed. You're right - those feelings do stem from a cultural perspective, rather than a personal one. I did hide it for many many years, but did tell three girlfriends. The reaction of each one was completely different. One didn't accept it at all - hated it, and used it against me, saying that I needed professional help. Another did accept it, but didn't want to play any part in it. The other girlfriend completely accepted it and encouraged it. I've since come out as gay and I am now in a civil relationship with my partner. He knows, and accepts it - I told him about it the first time we met. What is quite amusing to me is that more people accepted me when I came out as gay than they did when I came out as a crossdresser.

In my situation, there was no absence/loss of a female role model - I've always been close to my mother. Nor was I unfortunate enough to experience any traumatic life event. I had a stable upbringing, both my parents stayed together while I was growing up.

I do often wonder though whether my CDing was "formed" as a result of that experience I had with my sister and cousins. Or whether that experience just opened me up to who I actually was.

You know, I don't actually know whether the term TV is no longer acceptable or not. I do know though that I personally do not like the term transvestite. I can't quite put my finger on why though.

I totally understand. Let me know if and how I could contact you more privately - and at your convenience of course. I don't do facebook. Is that what you meant by voice chat? x

Hi Liz - Yahoo Messenger and we could do a chat just like you do with Skype ... very easy to install if you don't have it yet.

Hello Young Lady and welcome too the forums. May I ask, why have you chosen your character to be a cross dresser. Do you believe the public will find it intriguing? How far along are you on your story? Does your Husband CD? Sorry for all the questions. I guess, I'm as interested in you as you are in me.

Hi Jenni - that's an incredibly insightful and helpful account of your own experience. It's funny what you say about people being more accepting of you coming out as gay than CD - society has had so much more exposure to and education about homosexuality than gender ambiguity, and as we know - we fear what we don't understand, right? I know that many people assume that cross dressing means you must be gay, anyway - or that it must be an expression of repressed homosexuality. That's what I'd like to challenge in my writing (I wrote an episode of Waterloo Road with a kid in it with gender identity issues, which pushed the boundaries as much as you can within a show like that). I guess in my experience, half my friends are gay/lesbian/bi - some single, some old, some in couples, some with kids - one close girl friend back with a man after decades of being with women - but I don't know any cross dressers, other than from the sort of punky/theatrical spectrum, (which may well be a more 'acceptable' side of CD expression) so it's heartening to hear from you that - as with all those different sexual orientations, that there is no hard and fast rule - or common experience, other than mostly you have all known that there was more than one way from a very young age. xx

Having been on the link you gave me, is this going to be a tv program or book? And what lead you to our website?

My partner is a CD, from a very young age, I have my own theories as to why, but I will email you them as they are rather personal :)

Hi Lizwriter - this sounds fascinating. I´m from UK myself, and a hetero crossdresser. I´m also a psychotherapist with an interest in gender issues. That said, before we can speculate about your character, it would be good to know his family background, is he married, have children, progressing through the ranks, views on homosexuality, how and when does he dress (outrageous or conventional) how old is he, does he have a femme name and so on. Would be great to chat about him! PM me if you like.

Best, Amanda.

Sounds interesting. A few years back I had considered starting my own detective agency. My field operative would be my female persona, who prefers to mostly work at night. She is able to solve cases better using her insight on feelings and intuition, not to mention the fact that she is empathic and senses feelings.:)

Hi Liz

Many members here will tell you that, upon coming out as CD, they have been asked if they are gay. It is an assumption which many people make. I would suspect that the number of CD's who are gay is similar to the percentage of Men overall who are gay. Around the 5-10% mark (if I remember that stat correctly!!). Society as whole does seem to accept gay people more than transgendered people (CDs, TS, etc etc). Probably because, as you (in my opinion) rightfully say, having had more exposure to and education about homosexuality. I applaud the gay people who stood up and were vocal at a time when homosexuality wasn't as "acceptable", and no doubt such people played a significant part in enabling gay people to be accepted more within society. I also applaud Eddie Izzard - it's good that we have a figure like that who is so open and so respected.

Another thing for you to consider is that for many, myself included, a compulsion/desire to dress up comes and goes. Personally, I can and do go long periods when I have no desire to dress. Such periods can last for weeks, months, or (occassionally) years. When the desire to dress comes back, it is often intense, and can result in dressing for a sustained period of time. Some people in the CD community refer to this as a "pink fog". Some CD's, when the desire to dress go away, may actually get rid of all their feminine clothing/accessories (known as purging), an expensive action, as once the desire to dress returns, a whole new wardrobe has to be purchased! It has often been the case that CD's have purged, or lost the desire to dress, when they commence a new relationship.

My own style of dressing is based around fashion. Other CD's may venture into the more fetish side of dressing - baby dolls, frilly nighties, wedding dresses, or items that would be regarded as "sissy". That kind of dressing doesn't appeal to me at all. I will often mix and match when I dress, wearing both female and male clothing. I don't like make-up, so rarely if ever wear it, but I do get my nails done regularly (I actually work as a nail technician). I don't try to hide that I am a man wearing women's clothes, shoes, or accessories, so the idea of "passing" isn't a concern of mine. For others, being able to pass as a female is a goal. And some do achieve that. Some look fantastic.

Anyway, I'm more than happy to liaise with you as you continue your research. If you want, send me a PM, and I'll provide you with my email address so we can discuss any questions you have further. I do think it would be a good idea to research this with at least a handful of CD's, so that you can get a more varied understanding. That way, it may help you form a more rounded character for your writing.

xx

Of course you can ask questions. Be prepared for utter confusion. The spectrum of cross dressers here is very, very wide. It's like googling "tall things." The answers will be too broad to reach any conclusion.

Allow me to offer one baseline comment: gender identity and cross dressing are not tied. Some may have gender identity issues and be cross dressers, but some, like myself, have no gender identity problems. I'm a guy. I identify as a guy. I also cross dress on occasion. Also, while "compulsion" is close to what most cross dressers go through, it is more than that. It is "in" us. We are born with cross dressing like a gene.

Feel free to PM me if you like

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Originally Posted by Lizwriter

Hi folks - I am a straight, married female writer and am writing a character who is male CD, hetero and single about 33yrs. British, and 'happy' on the surface, but complex underneath...and partly as a consequence of his cross dressing/gender identity, is an acutely intuitive thinker 'out of the box' - hence making him a great detective.

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I've written a similar book, with a slightly different theme. Many transgenders, especially CDs, live in "Stealth Mode", keeping their secret from parents, friends, wives, and children. The learn at an incredibly early age to become very effective at deception, misdirection, and as a result, are more able to see it in others.

Transsexuals who live in stealth often also have an even broader, deeper, and more complex abilities, often bordering on supernatural, perhaps because they are much more in tune with femininity and more inclined to question assumptions. This serves us well in technology, scientific investigation, intelligence, and security environments, making your story quite plausible.

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I've been online trying to research for my character, but it seems to me, after trawling the www, that CD is the poor cousin of other transgender situations. I really want to find out what makes my character tick; what might be at the root of his CD, and what it says about him. Of course I realise there won't be one single answer to this, but I don't want to just make up what a straight woman might perceive as a 'reason' or set of reasons for CD behaviours and - I hesitate to say 'compulsions', and I'd really be honoured if some of you might answer some direct questions. My questions are all totally out of respect and in pursuit of understanding and empathising with my character, who I do not want to be accused of being a stereotype. Would this be okay? Am I on the right forum? I did have a look at the writers' forum, but it seemed more for creatives rather than research. I am British and UK based, btw - though it seems most of your are from the US. But this site does seem the most CD friendly that I've found, as opposed to cross dressing as a step on the way to gender reassignment. Any advice would be very much appreciated, so... may I ask some quesions? Liz

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Feel free to look at my book for inspiration. You are also welcome to message me directly. I can arrange other channels for communication if you'd like to collaborate.

Hi Liz

I don’t live in the UK nor am I from the UK (although my ancestry is mostly English and Irish) but I suspect our country of origin has little or nothing to do with our desire to cross dress. In the two years I have been on this site I have noticed quite a few members who list their location as being in the UK, so you shouldn’t lack for English subjects.

Most CD’ers fall into one of two classifications, they are either in the “closet” meaning their dressing is secretive, frequently nobody else knows about and that includes their wife and family. A sub-group to being in the closet might be those who have told their wives or significant others (SO’s) but no one else. The second group would be those who are “out”, they go out in public dressed en femme ( often written as enfemme), they like to go shopping, to restaurants or clubs, movies, meet with friends or other CD’ers. Only a few CD’ers “pass”, meaning they pass the test of presenting as a woman, most can only hope to blend in. Blending in is defined as wearing the same attire as the other women that will be around you so one does not draw attention to oneself. Most people have other things on their minds the birth gender of the people around them, unless something attracts their attention. You don’t wear heavy makeup, a cocktail dress, and stilettos to the mall because to do so will draw unwanted attention and the longer someone looks at you the more likely they are going to come to the conclusion that you are in fact a male. On the other hand when going to the mall even a man with few feminine features can blend in wearing flats, jeans, T-shirt, minimal makeup, and a conservative wig (that would be here in Southern California).

Cross dressers come from all walks of life, construction workers, military personnel, bankers, lawyers, doctors, politicians (definitely in the closet though); it was been reported that even J. Edgar Hoover was a cross dresser (as reported by British writer Anthony Summers in a 1993 biography), although that is hotly contested.

I believe you find that the majority of the members here started at a young age, many before puberty. However there are members here who didn’t start cross dressing until later in life, while in their forties, fifties, even their sixties. Speaking of puberty, cross dressing generally has a sexual aspect to it during that time in a boy’s life – that may continue into later life but often subsides or even goes away completely. I can’t help but think that if you put a bra and panties on any boy who has just entered puberty and stand him in front of a mirror you are very likely to see a reaction of a sexual nature. Many here report that dressing just feels “right”, that when they dress they are more relaxed, less macho, less of an A-type personality – more easy going, gentler, more caring, more feminine.

I have gone out and invariably found it to be a frightening experience, but also enjoyable and satisfying at the same time. I know a few cross dressers who spend more time out en femme than they do in drab (in male attire – dressed as boy). They go shopping, go to dinner, go have makeovers, go to bars or clubs, and even travel by plane, dressed en femme. I can’t say that I have met a cross dresser that passes all the time, or even part of the time, but they gain a certain confidence that allows them to present as a woman and to blend in while out in public and for the most part be accepted as a woman. One way to always make a cross dresser smile is to address them as “Ma’am”; a poker player would probably call that a “tell”.

Like some of the others here I’m available to answer direct questions, or just chat, via Private Messages (once you log ten posts and gain full membership privileges) or by Email (also through my Profile).

Babs

Hi Mysticlady - sorry for delay in response. I did reply to you earlier, but I think it got lost - I hadn't gone through the right protocol and quite rightly Tamara wanted to know more about my credentials. Thanks for welcome and of course you can ask me questions too. I have always been interested in people - particularly 'outsiders' - whoever they may be throughout history - and as a writer it's my job to create interesting characters. Simple answer is yes I think the public will find it intriguing. It is human nature to be curious about that which is different and it is human nature to identify with that which is familiar - I believe showing that there are both those elements in most everything helps dispel fear, create dialogue and inform. But, not to be disingenuous, I'm a dramatist, not a documentary maker, so I want to create an entertaining, complex character that is a positive representation. Think of almost all the screen representations of cross dressing men, from Rod Steiger's serial killer in No Way To Treat A Lady, to the serial killer in Silence Of The Lambs, to the mother luvin' psycho in Psycho - and many freaks and weirdos in between. Isn't it time we had a good guy/gal? x

Hi Amanda - my character is pretty embryonic right now - which is why I'm doing some ground work - but I'd like him to be hetero, more Eddie Izzard than Grayson Perry (no offence Grayson), ballsy and defensive with a protective veneer that presents as aloof wit, but is actually born from years of feeling different. He's single - an only child brought up by his aunt and uncle and cousins when his parents were killed. Some will assume that this trauma informed his gender ambiguity, but he would say that's cod psychology, convenient for then, not for him. Besides, and he's not ambiguous - he's a cross dresser! But of course he is more vulnerable than the charming, untouchable, sexually confident front he puts on. And he has much to learn about himself as a person, as do we all. His views on homosexuality are totally accepting, for obvious reasons - unless of course they're a criminal! As for femme name - I was going to ask if that's always the case...
Can I just say - having been away from my desk for a while, I'm overwhelmed at how giving you're all being. I need time to digest your responses, and would love to PM those who have offered over the next few days/weeks if poss. Thank you all! xx

Thanks Jenni - actually your style is very much what I have in mind for Bobbi - my guy. And I totally agree on liaising with a good handful so I get a rounded varied understanding. I will take you up on the PM thing, thanks again. xx

Hi Tamara - I write for television, and am developing an idea for a possible series - but it's an 'original' piece so far - ie: not commissioned by a broadcaster (although an indie I work with is interested in developing with me) - so at the moment it's not anything other than me doing the groundwork so I get a properly developed character with reality and depth. That's really kind of you to email me personally. It's clear that although I do/will have direct questions - there aren't always clear answers, so personal experiences are invaluable.

I think the compulsion part is a side effect of societal pressure a male experiences to be male. It is a type of mental rebellion. The more you fight it, the more you need to do it (its like an itch that you try not to scratch...like you need to go there to find an answer to how you would feel as a woman, but your mind never allows you that freedom). Once you allow yourself to accept that part of your character can have feminine traits and its okay, then the compulsion goes away. So, I think the compulsive part is important which if you explain correctly could really add value to your story. The 'why' does not have an answer.

Hi Liz

I am a hetero CD living in Scotland, a bit older than your character. I dress fully to go out but at home (where I spend almost all my time in skirts, dresses or nightdress), I do not bother with wig or make-up as I don't really like them. For me the fun is in lovely clothes and looking as good as I can in them (for some odd reason they suit my build better than men's clothes). The women I interact with know I am male and I am totally happy with this - as they seem to be. You would not believe how many clothes I have, and if I have a problem at all, it is this compulsive buying. But hey, I can afford it, and I wear them a LOT.

Though I use a woman's name and try (fairly successfully) to move elegantly, I do not think of myself as woman when out dressed, nor am I transgender. I regard myself as a gender tourist.

I like Waterloo Road and enjoyed the episode you wrote. Good luck with your project - very happy to answer more questions by pm.

Susan

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Originally Posted by Lizwriter

I want to create an entertaining, complex character that is a positive representation. Think of almost all the screen representations of cross dressing men, from Rod Steiger's serial killer in No Way To Treat A Lady, to the serial killer in Silence Of The Lambs, to the mother luvin' psycho in Psycho - and many freaks and weirdos in between. Isn't it time we had a good guy/gal?

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Good luck :) Breaking stereotypes is going to be hard.

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my character is pretty embryonic right now -...more Eddie Izzard

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Not the best example of your average CD. Eddie is an entertainer and from what I can gleen, not really that much into the CD world other than as a hook for his character (like saying Larry the Cable guy represents all the country people.)

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ballsy and defensive with a protective veneer that presents as aloof wit, but is actually born from years of feeling different.

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So a "Thin Man" "Sam Spade" "Mike Hammer" kinda guy. A guy who you could count on when the chips was down. You know tall dark and rugged...in a Coco Channel suit red pumps and fedora. With Gams that would stop a steam roller as he walked down the street hips swaying like a pendulum in a grandfather clock. Sorry I just wrote the first paragraph for you...

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he's not ambiguous - he's a cross dresser!

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just a question then....does he dress all the time or only when he's stressed? Is it something he uses to fool people to get information...like Mata Hari? Is he that passable that when he is investigating no one knows he is a guy? That, he can seduce a perp and get information after(when) they are in bed?

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But of course he is more vulnerable than the charming, untouchable, sexually confident front he puts on. And he has much to learn about himself as a person, as do we all.

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The character development will be deep...half the first book maybe :)

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His views on homosexuality are totally accepting, for obvious reasons - unless of course they're a criminal!

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:idontknow: this seems to be really unneeded. Do you really need to bring in homosexuality? (oh yeah I did above when he was seducing a suspect...never mind)

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As for femme name - I was going to ask if that's always the case...

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unless his name could be male or female..I would say yes his femme persona, especially since you want him to have feminine intuition, compassion, cattiness (oh wait...that's me). Maybe more like a secret superhero?

I like that you are working towards a CD who isn't some sort of social misfit. How this person could be an everyday JO(sephin)E. But the question I have is where on the TG spectrum is he? Does he dress once a week? Only to solve the crime? Is he closeted and never even comes out as his femme self....and when he does how do the other professionals on the case take him(her)? Is he full time at work? Or independently wealthy and takes cases only when it suits him (her)? I would be careful this does not become a stereotype thing where the male side can't figure it out but the femme sees the answer as obvious because...she is femme. All in all I am very interested to see where this goes. Maybe you have the key to acceptance in the world for CDs especially after the second movie- ah if I were younger and could still run in 4 inch heels.... ;)

Hey. Liz,

I have a friend who is a married female writer, and after I told her I dressed, I told her I expected to be in her next book. I was hoping you were she... but we both live in the US of A, so you're not. Good luck - I'm certain you aren't going to find any all-inclusive answers here, but there are a lot of people here who aren't shy. But don't let anyone send you on a chase for 'The Crossdressing Rule Book' - we haven't written it yet.

Deedee ;)

Hi Liz, I'm willing to answer questions, for the most part, in this thread. Though I can do PM if necessary. I don't live in the UK, but was born there and was over 30 when I left. I would like it if in the storyline you could explore how many guys bury this because of confusion in themselves as to what it means. Many of us, particularly men over, say.. 45? Had a really hard time admitting this, and understanding that it's not wrong, and fairly common. Even if it IS, a compulsion, fetish, kink, call it what you will, it's harmless, and is often ( in my mind at least ) a way of showing a softer side that men just aren't supposed to display. How many times have you seen a boy chastised for crying, being a sissy, showing fear, showing emotion. In my mind it's harmful, and the sooner we stop doing that to our sons, the better.

It could be a way of explaining why the character has been able to change, and become a different person to the one he was. Being able to have full self knowledge is a very powerful tool, I know it has been for me.

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Originally Posted by Lizwriter

I've also heard from some other CDs that there was an absence/loss of female role model - but can't help feel this may be a little convenient for those who want to explain away everything that isn't totally conformist. Anyway - that's a bit of a mish mash of questions to fire at you, but hopefully it explains some of what I'm curious about. Are there common links between CDs that you know? And did you know at an early age?

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For me there has never been a loss of a female role nor a male one, been quite lucky to have had both throughout my life. Considering how varied we all are there are a surprising amount of things we generally have in common, some of which apply to other transgender people too. Most of us have known from a very early age although very occasionally some start much later. I was 13 which is much later than most but not entirely uncommon when I had my first crossdressing experiences. I've noticed that a lot of us, probably most, are into some form of Rock music, ranging from basic rock like Led Zeppelin up to extreme metal like Hellhammer or Gojira. I think this is for the same reason that a lot of kids who were bullied for being smart and/or nerdy in school tend to grow up listening to rock as well. The nature of the genre means it generally attracts 'outsiders' and gives them a release from the things that anger them in their lives. Not saying your detective should be in a Judas Priest cover band or something (although that's something I would personally enjoy) but it seems to be a common thing among us. An interest in sci-fi seems to be prevalent as well. There was a thread I saw the other day devoted to hobbies we all like shouldn't be hard to find.

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Originally Posted by Lizwriter

So, if I may ask about your personal experience - when did you know you had a desire/need to dress up, is it a compulsion? Are you straight? Do you have a partner? Do you think there was any particular reason - for you, specifically? Does it/has it made you happy/sad? An inevitable outsider? Would you prefer not to be the way you are? Please decline to answer any if they're too personal or cheeky! x

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As previously said I started when I was 13 although most start earlier. It's sort of like a compulsion or an addiction but I don't think these are the right words to describe it even though that's how we commonly refer to it. Compulsions and addictions are both things that you can eventually break away from if your will is strong enough, and crossdressing is not something that you can ever stop forever no matter how hard you try. There are people on this forum who have recovered from intense addictions to drugs and alcohol but still crossdress. To call it a compulsion kind of imply's that it's both a negative thing and a choice, and it's neither. I'm straight, as far as I'm aware most of are straight although we are slightly more likely than the general public to be bi or gay. I also have a partner, in fact I've come across very few people on this site who are single. The reason I crossdress is that I am bi-gender. I am male and female inside and I switch involuntarily between them although I do have some degree of control over it (it's very easy to shift over to girl mode if the situation calls for it although much harder the other way round). Because of this I'm not strictly speaking a crossdresser because I dress in the clothing of the gender I am at that time but I'm close enough so I'm sure I can still be of help (although I can go more indepth about being Bi-gender if you wish, there's a lot I could say on the subject). It's made me incredibly happy at some times and seriously depressed at others, and I think that's pretty common. I was seriously guilt ridden about it up until just over a year ago, where the guilt essentially peeked and caused chaos in so many area's of my life that I finally realized that it didn't make sense to be this cut up about it and finally learned to accept myself. Since then I've mostly been very happy about it, as is it a good reliever of stress, I generally feel good when I dress up and look at myself as well as when I am accepted and treated as a woman and it has even brought closer to some of my friends and allowed me to meet new ones I would never have met before. On the other hand it has still created tension between me and my partner on occasion, very nearly resulting in a break up a couple of times which isn't good. I also had one person laugh in my face once when I was out, which especially hurt as it is still the only outright negative reaction I've had while out en femme and I had been referred to as a woman by other strangers that night too so I thought I was doing ok. I can get over all sorts of negative feedback about my band, my art and my general personality but that one brief moment took me longer to deal with than some really harsh and unfair feedback I've had before. The worst and most recurring thing is the dysphoria that comes with being stuck in male mode when I really want to be a girl. It's all consuming and absolutely crushing sometimes, especially as it can last days or weeks due to uni or my family. Sometimes I literally can't concentrate on absolutely anything until I get into girl mode. Generally speaking the good massively outweighs the bad though. Quite often I wish I wasn't this way, I'd probably have more money and more time (although actually I have too much time) I wouldn't have had such self loathing for all those years and I'd be more like the man most people think I am, but having come to accept and understand myself now I doubt I would stop if I could, not after the friends and joy it has bought me. It does still make me something of an outsider, but I kind of strive to be that sometimes as well. There are so many things I dislike about modern culture I am quite happy to be outside of them, but I do wish it was easier for my friends to perceive me as the girl I am sometimes. Acceptance isn't always the path to understanding.

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Originally Posted by Lizwriter

I wrote an episode of Waterloo Road with a kid in it with gender identity issues, which pushed the boundaries as much as you can within a show like that

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Just by chance I saw that episode. My parents were watching it and I just happened to be in the same room as them on my laptop. By the end of the episode I had been watching intently ^_^

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Originally Posted by Lizwriter

Think of almost all the screen representations of cross dressing men, from Rod Steiger's serial killer in No Way To Treat A Lady, to the serial killer in Silence Of The Lambs, to the mother luvin' psycho in Psycho - and many freaks and weirdos in between. Isn't it time we had a good guy/gal? x

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The Buffalo Bill character really ruins Silence of The Lambs for me, which is otherwise a fantastic movie. Sure the writers claim that he only 'thinks' he is transgender because he hates himself and the women he kills represent everything he is not and thus he wants to become them, but that is lost on the audience and I'm not sure whether that really makes sense either. Psycho I can excuse because Norman Bates is clearly delusional and not at all transgender, plus it is a classic. They are both based on the same real life serial killer and unfortunately the 'crossdressing' element seems to have appeared to be as disturbing as the concept of wearing another persons skin to some horror writers. These are all quite old movies now though (I really hope Buffalo Bill does not turn up in the new Hannibal TV series) as I think people are starting to wake up to the idea that casting a trans or crossdressing character as the villain or killer is both unrealistic and offensive.

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Originally Posted by Lizwriter

I write for television, and am developing an idea for a possible series - but it's an 'original' piece so far - ie: not commissioned by a broadcaster (although an indie I work with is interested in developing with me) - so at the moment it's not anything other than me doing the groundwork so I get a properly developed character with reality and depth.

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I really wish you luck with it and please keep us posted. It's the kinda thing I imagine I would have eventually gone on to do if I had chosen to focus on English Literature instead of Art.

I'm a bit younger than your character but I'd still be happy to answer any other questions you might have via PM or whatever. I could also talk about common feelings and experiences we have that you might not think about or things to definitely avoid etc if you want