Accepting GGs: What makes us different?

A CD member posed the following question to me in a PM and I thought it would make an interesting thread. I have been asked many times what it is about crossdressers that appeals to women like me, but I don't think I have ever been asked what it is about us that makes us able to accept and even embrace this lifestyle.

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What is it about you that makes a man who is gender challenged attractive?

My wife is so disgusted by it and so adamant that it is wrong that we are on the verge of splitting up. I don't see how to avoid it, though she believes if I only wanted to I could choose not to.

So what I really would like to know is. What makes a woman see something good about us and makes her want to be with a crossdresser, or stay in a marriage with a crossdresser when so many others refuse to tolerate it?

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As some of you know, I was not always as enthusiastic about crossdressing as I am now. I have been married to Angel for 3 years, and I have known about and welcomed his femme side from the beginning. In fact, we met through a CD forum. But my introduction to crossdressing actually came in a previous relationship -- and let me tell you, it was not something that I immediately embraced. When I found out, I was shocked, confused, and very upset. That was because I knew nothing about crossdressing. I had no idea what it all meant. I was vaguely aware of the existence of transsexuals and drag queens, but straight men who enjoy wearing women’s clothes? I had never heard of such a thing. My initial thought was that my boyfriend had serious mental problems and needed help. That was nine years ago, and I suppose I have come a long way since then. I went from ignorance and fear to understanding and acceptance….and beyond. These days I can honestly say that I find being married to a crossdresser fun, exciting, sexy, and fulfilling on many different levels. I can’t imagine wanting to be with a “regular guy” ever again.

So what makes someone like me “different” from less accepting women? That is very hard to say. It is probably a combination of my personality, my values, and my upbringing.

A lot of it may have to do with the fact that I am a very empathetic and compassionate person. I find it easy to see things from other people’s perspectives, to put myself in their shoes. So when my first CD boyfriend told me about his dressing, I tried my best to understand. Even though I was shocked and didn’t like what I was hearing, I wanted to know more. It would have been unthinkable for me to shut down and turn away from him when he had revealed such a vulnerable part of himself to me. Some SOs, for whatever reason, never seem to get that far – they simply don’t want to know. I wouldn’t presume to judge them, but I do find that attitude baffling. If you love someone, why wouldn’t you at least try to understand what makes them tick?

So the first thing I did was set out on a quest for answers to all the questions I had. I am a very inquisitive person by nature, another trait which probably helped me on the road to acceptance. I love learning new things and exposing myself to different experiences, and I am delighted when I come across something that challenges my previous way of thinking. I found myself fascinated by crossdressing and transgender issues, and I basically started reading everything I could get my hands on. Education was crucial to helping me overcome my fears and misconceptions, and without that spark of curiosity I doubt I would have done as much exploring.

It probably also didn’t hurt that I grew up in the 70s in a counterculture, bohemian family where radical beliefs and alternative lifestyles were, ironically, the norm. I learned at an early age that there are many, many ways to live besides what is shown on t.v. I suppose this made me broad-minded; it certainly instilled in me respect and admiration for people who are “different.” I can understand how SOs from more traditional or conservative backgrounds might have a harder time, and I sympathize with them, but fortunately for me I didn’t have any moral or religious baggage to deal with.

Last but not least, I think I was predisposed to find crossdressers appealing because I had always been attracted to men who are soft, kind, caring, and emotional, rather than aggressive macho types. Once I saw a connection between crossdressing and these “feminine” personality traits, it made me much more appreciative. Even as a little girl I preferred quiet, shy, gentle boys. I wouldn’t be surprised if at least some of those boys I had crushes on were transgendered.

I don’t know how helpful this response will be, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to engage in a little self-reflection.

I am looking forward to hearing what the other GG members have to say. I think most of us here are accepting, to some degree, or we wouldn't even be coming to this forum. So I would like to hear from everyone, even those who are struggling with this, because compared to some other SOs you are light years ahead. Well?

Hi Marla....This is a very good question, and i dont mind this being in the MTF section.

In my opinion, and obviously i can only speak for myself and Lisa, but i think it is more about 'thinking outside of the box'.

For example, it is very easy when approached with this information when in a serious relationship or marriage, to think only of oneself and ones own feelings. Like 'how could he do this to me', or 'why doesnt he love me anymore'. I suppose this is a stage we all have been at, but maybe some of us move on.

I went through that 'feeling sorry for myself' faze, but decided that if this relationship had any chance i had to be ok with ALL of Lisa/Darren, the parts i wanted and loved and all the rest as well.....

It was only through research and finding this forum that things became clearer to me, and i realised that Lisa doesnt choose this in her life, afterall who would....it is the way she is and thats that.

I think it helps in our relationship because we do talk and discuss absolutely everything. We are very open with each other and have been from the start. Regardless of if Im having a good day with lisa or not i know i can tell darren and its ok. He considers my feelings all the time, and i return that. Its about mutual trust, love, honesty and respect.

Without those things i think it would be very difficult to start to make progress, but if you have those as a good grounding in your relationship then things can be worked on slowly and steadily.

Darren asked me hyperthetically once if i had the chance would i not want lisa in my life. It was a difficult question to answer, and one i answered with another question.....'if you had the chance would you not want my children in our lives'....

My children complete me as a person, as Lisa does for Darren. This didnt need to be talked about anymore, we both knew that these things although difficult, hard work and demanding at times, make us who we are.

I cant say for sure that i am completely cool with Lisa, it all depends on how i feel on any given day. all i can say is i talk about how i feel, and darren considers my feelings constantly.

All my love,

cheery
xx

I have no problem with the mtf's reading this.

Gee to explain why I am accepting is to know my background. In a nutshell....I am half white/half hispanic. I was raised by my folks to get to know people before judging who they are. Don't believe stereotypes and don't assume anything about another person till you have enough information to make a real decision. Also being an only girl, it was instilled in me that I could do anything a boy could do with concern to life dreams and goals and aspirations.

Being raised by parents who lived by these things made me always keep an open mind about people, even when I was being classified as *different* or *weird* for being of mixed race. Times have changed, but while growing up I got to know first hand that being *different* is something to keep away from.

Maybe I was always drawn to other people who seemed to break the rules of what is normal. Androgenous or feminine guys or just more different guys are the ones who seemed worth getting to know. Because they too had to deal with being signaled out for being *different*.

When I made my decision to date in this community it was one that I did much research into. I had to learn what my level of acceptance was and what I knew I could realisticly be happy with and what would cause me to be unhappy.

There are certainly some issues I feel very strongly about and others which I dont' give a second thought to. I also believe I am as accpting as I am, because I truly believe that my husband came into our relationship with everything pretty much completely exposed and open and saying "this is who I am. if you love me, you have to love all of this." Thankfully everything that he is, that he wants, and that he desires are all things that cause me no anxiety or worry or grief.

For my spouse he enjoys his femme self and male self equally, with balance and also almost a boundry-free exsistence. He can dress when ever he wishes at home and outside the home as well. But no matter how open I am, he always talks to me about things and keeps me abreast of things. Nothing ever gets sprung on me. There are never any surprises or secrecy in this regard.

It is great to know that we are in this together and that he values my opinions and feelings and advice. But it does not hurt that I think he is super amazing and hot and sexy! hahha:D !

Well, I never actually knew that I was attracted to a gender challenged man. My partner did not come out to me until we were married for 28 years.
What I did know way back then, was that this man that I was dating was so far removed from the other men that I had experienced that I just wanted to be with him.
So for me, the question really might be “Why do I stay with him?” And the short answer to that is love. How do you just turn off 28 years of love, just because he wants to dress like a woman? Now I have to say, those were not my first thoughts when he came out to me. My first thoughts ran along the lines of, It’s over, he’s gay, this is too embarrassing, he’s a pervert, what will my parents think, It’s really over, I hate him, why is he doing this to me, where did I go wrong, blah, blah, blah
Ok, so that was the first month or so. But then I decided to learn more about this and that really opened up my mind. I read everything I could find on the internet and I read a book called My Husband Betty, which I highly, highly recommend for both partners to read. Education about trans issues allowed me to get back to a place of love and compassion. He does not choose this. Why would anybody choose this? It just is the way it is. So we started talking. Sometimes we would lay in bed for hours just talking and this went on for several months. In fact, even now a year later we try to spend that time together talking at least a couple times a week, it’s become important to both of us.
Now I feel very accepting of my partner’s crossdressing. I do still have fears and he knows what they are, because I probably ask the same questions over and over again and he tries to be as honest as he can. Communication with honesty is so important.
I also have to say that I went through a period of time where I thought there was something wrong with me for choosing to stay. That maybe I was defective in some way because I was becoming accepting of this. I began to question my own sexuality, that maybe I was a lesbian, or at least bisexual. But I’ve come to realize that I’m not attracted to a gender, if I look back honestly over my life, I have been attracted to certain people of either gender and it was not because of their gender, it was something about them that clicked with me.
So to get back to the question, I don’t know if I am different from other women because I choose to stay. I think maybe it’s more that I took different actions (choosing to learn) and maybe that is why I am still here, still learning and still in love with my sweetie, regardless of what he/she is wearing today

BrendaB

Well said Brenda, you echoed my feelings exactly.....

The three things that spring out to me in the posts so far are

1. Educate yourself

2. Ask questions ?

3. Trust in your feelings

4. HAve respect for your partner ANY YOURSELF !

oooppssss, that was four....

cheery
xx

I, too, have no problem with posting this in the MtF section of the forum...


As I look back upon my early feelings about crossdressing and why I never even considered leaving my marriage, several key factors come to mind.

Of all the emotions and thoughts that came flooding upon me during this time, the important considerations that helped me overcome the doubts and fears of crossdressing and the effect on our marriage were the following: (1) was he considerate and did he put me first (2) was he basically going to be the same guy I married and not turn into some stranger who wanted to do weird things that would embarrass me and (3) would I still be sexually attracted to him.

The most important attribute my husband possesses that clearly overshadows anything else is the fact that he is the most considerate person I have ever met. He always puts aside his needs in order to help me with mine. Whenever something is troubling me, he is always there - without a single complaint - to see what he could do to make things better. He not only does this for me, but for any friend who calls with a question or problem.

I think the next thing I carefully considered was the answer to each question I asked him about crossdressing. His answers were honest and straightforward. He reassured me that he was still the same man I married, and that has proven to be true. He just wanted to be a guy who liked to wear feminine things.

I also needed to find out if my sexual attraction for him would change in a negative manner. While it has taken some time to adjust to him walking around in female attire, I am still sexually attracted to him as a man. Our sex life is more fulfilling than ever. We had a few obstacles to work out, and we have compromised where necessary to accommodate both of our needs.

I think another thing that I felt was key to accepting my husband and his crossdressing is the fact that my husband is a well-adjusted, happy and self-confident individual. He never hung his head in shame as he expressed his innermost thoughts and feelings to me. Although he told me there was some embarrassment in revealing these intimate and strange feelings, he often displayed humor at the situation he found himself in. He has always done things well and has a tremendous amount of pride in doing a good job, and it shows in the way he models his female outfit for the day.


I am proud of the man I am honored to call my husband.


Missy Anne's GG

Missy Anne's gg..girl i wanna cry..that is soo sweet. Seriously, as i was reading it my eyes just got misty.

Thansk for sharing that....so very much.:clap:

When I met Tam almost 7 years ago, I didn't know then she was a crossdresser. But it wasn't long into the relationship that she told me about her little fetishes. It has taken the better part of 6 years for us to figure out just what she was and it hasn't been an easy road.

For me, it's not about tolerating or accepting, it's about that person underneath, the man I fell in love with. We tried living apart for a while, but something kept pulling us back together. He is my soul mate, I couldn't imagine life without him again, it tore us both apart. I feel if you truely love someone as much as I love my partner, you can overcome anything.

If someone really cannot tolerate it, or they just can't accept it, maybe it's just they way they were brought up, or maybe they just weren't made for each other in the first place.

One day I think acceptance, thats no problem what is all the fuss about and then another I feel I cannot handle this.

I think if a wife loves her other half enough she will make some effort to try to understand. My first port of call was surfing the net to try and find information.

Walking out in some ways is the easy way of dealing with the situation you are just walking away from the problem. Perhaps the wives who stay and choose to ignore their hubby's crossdressing love them enough to stay but can't handle the dressing.

For me I don't want to push it aside I want to know what hes up to, weather I feel uncomfortable or not. One thing I didn't like was deceit.

Because of work and family pressures we don't have a lot of 'us' time and therefore its difficult to move along the road. But I love him enough to stay and try to come to a mutual understanding.

Lulie

I think Marla said alot about how I feel when she mentioned being open-minded. I am open to new things, try not look down on things because they are different and believe that everyone is entitled to be happy so long as it does not hurt others in the process. You only have one go around in this world, it is not a dress rehearsal (no pun intended:D )

When I was first told I did alot of research, trying to understand what my husband was feeling but also looking to find out how I fit in and if it was possible for us to have a future. I had alot of insecurities about myself, "was I not woman enough?" ect. The more time that passed and the more I thought about it, made me realize that alot of the fem qualities I saw after he told me were already there, granted they are more pronounced now that I know but they were there. I was definately attracted to the gentle thoughtfullness of my husband, but I think my past relationships kind of primed me for that.

I was kind of a wild youth (wont get into that:o ) who tried new things and had a great time. My attitude is mostly "sure why not, you only live once" (applies only to myself, NOT my kids...lol) Don't get me wrong I sometimes have a very hard time with cding but for the most part I am ok with it.

Thanks for the thread Marla

Wow, great responses. Thank you very much ladies. :hugs:

I am moving this thread out to the MtF forum now. Any other GGs care to share? CD members, you are welcome to post in it too. ;)

Wow! What an educational thread!
Thank you all for the new insights I now have.

My OLD understanding of GG with CD's was colored by who I was.

In the 1970's, I CD'd to confront the bars and Gay-Lesbian liberation groups that were trying to stop TV's, TG's and TS's from doing their thing - I got mad at them.

During my political period, women assumed I was a TV and shared, "I really get turned on wearing sexy lingerie and shoes." Some said it as a sign of support, but a few said it to share the experience together.

Base on about 40 women (both group), I concluded that single women who have sexy lingerie and/or shoes, are similar to CD's in that both wear them for their own pleasure.
Even in 1998, my religious right homophobic GG gf accepted my past and my present tits. I felt she was safe because of her lingerie.
BTW she's no longer homophobic and goes to a MCC church (positive confrontational politics work).

Often they want to exchange the panties we are wearing. In the one long term relationship I had, we evolved into having and wearing matching clothes. Wife and CD outfits, like mom and daughter outfits.

Next me was the HRT me and the women were attracted to me for a different reason - they had very horny tits. These women kept looking at my tits as their hands repeatly started to cup them.
My tits were cramping to be touched but I'd say, 'no money, no touchie, darling'... Gilded Grape was that kind of a disco, 'the office' for the gals.

After this, I concluded that people with very horny tits are attracted to people who have same. It's like tits have radars to find each other.
Yes, mine found the 1998 gf above at a friend's wedding.

Line from The L Word, "Your tits talked to me."

Thanks for sharing all of that GGs! I was wondering - how did your partners initially get you to start interacting on this site, or did you find it for yourselves?

xxx

Thank you to the GG's here who not only cared enough about thier husbands to try and understand them, but also enough to share thier thoughts and feelings with the rest of us. Your posts are very moving and are inspirational.

[SIZE=3]We're all just human....with a slight twist. While i was married i was still her "man." I didn't exactly flaunt Deborah in front of her or ask her to treat me any differently. Yes i wish i was born a GG, but i never brought any of this up in front of her. All some of us ask is for the SO to be a little understanding and give us "some" girl time.
Now if it spins out of control and gets to be a problem then i can see issues rising from it, but then i never got to that point so i can't relate.
Well enough babbling. I think i made my point. [/SIZE]:)

as a cd in my fifties, i am a much different person then i was when dressing in my earlier years. Then, i was much into myself and my looks..short skirts..cleavage..stilletos..etc..and didn't pay enough attention to my now ex *after 14 years, we've been split 4* and now i hope to run across an accepting mate that i can devote my attention to and have the dressing as a bonus to the fun and good times we can have with each other. Many cd's i know are very narcissic when younger and neglect their partners *plus being confused about sexual instincts and gender qualities*, but as we age, i think we can be better partners with an accepting woman and make them enjoy what makes us tic...and giving women love and attention is very important to keeping the relationship together. As hetero cd's, we need to appreciate a woman that accepts us and lets us be the people we need to be...crossdressing is a part of the relationship... and should remain so and not take over the relationship!
Now, I enjoy comfortible long skirts and and shoeless in hose rather then skyhigh heels, silky clothes and lingerie that doesn't fit sooo tight..
would enjoy meeting a woman that shares my interests once again!
Its really great to see GG's perspectives here! Thanks Ladies!
bobby:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Wow!!! Thank you to all of the GGs who responded. You really are special ladies. You have taken the time to educate yourselves about us CDs and then to share your knowledge and opinions with us.

As for my GG gf, she accepts but does not yet take an active part in my CDing. So be it. I think that just her acceptance is a wonderful thing and I respect any boundaries that she may have. I make it a point to thank her for her acceptance often. Her response is usually; "There are a lot of worse things, (cheating, abuse, et.) that a man can do to a woman". She also knows that I am open and honest about it all. I told her about before we got "serious" and she knows that she can ask any questions at any time and get straightforward answers from me.

Furthermore we both know that there are always difficult things in a relationship that both partners have to accept and work out. Nobody and/or no relationship is perfect. It takes communication, co-operation, and compromise to make one work.

However, the most important factor is love.
Amor Conquista Todo

Thanks to all the GG's for taking the time for this thread. As a CD I find it very interesting to see how the other side thinks. This kind of information will make it easier for those who have not come out to thier SO's yet. It will surely make communications easier having some kind of an idea about what you wife or SO may be thinking. Keeping in mind that every persons thoughts are different. And not all will be as accepting as you great girls.

But if the love is there in the relationship and the communications are kept open. Then it should all work out for the best. I know it is working pretty well here, and I have to thank the GG's in this forum for that. Knowing what you all think about this and learning to respect the wishes of your partner. This information is invaluable and very hard to find in other places.

So THANKS TO ALL THE GG'S:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :D

Nice to meet you,I never believed I would be reading this from a GG and that's so comforting because there's hope I can find a woman who's actually looking for a relationship with Crossdresser,your an amazing person for understanding..take care!

So this is what goes on behind that closed door....:D

Really, thank you all for sharing your thoughts with us. It never ceases to amaze me how lucky we are to have women as members of this forum. Your insight is one of the most valuable benefits of this place. I have never personally known any women (that I know of) who are accepting of crossdressing, and it is truly a breath of fresh air to hear from you all concerning your thoughts on spousal acceptance. We are truly blessed to have your insight.

When placed in perspective, such as posing the question of how we would like it if our wives started parading around like men, it's easy for us to give a knee jerk response like, "That's different!" Well, no it's not. It is no doubt the feminine qualities in our women that drew us to them in the first place. To see them abandon that in favor of emulated masculinity would be abhorrent to me. Yet we seek acceptance for the reciprocal behavior in ourselves. It's a lot to ask. It's good to hear from women who can see that the men they love are still there beneath the makeup.

Here's a question I'd like to pose just out of curiosity: What is more difficult for you to get around, the makeup, the wigs, the breastforms, the skirts and dresses, etc., or do you just see it all as part of the same package?

Thanks again for your insights. You girls are a priceless treasure to us here.

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Originally Posted by TGMarla

Here's a question I'd like to pose just out of curiosity: What is more difficult for you to get around, the makeup, the wigs, the breastforms, the skirts and dresses, etc., or do you just see it all as part of the same package?

Thanks again for your insights. You girls are a priceless treasure to us here.

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Thank you so much! (on behalf of all of us). :o

I don't know if the other ladies will see your question so you might want to consider making a new thread, but I will answer for myself:

Breastforms took the longest for me to get comfortable with (I am totally happy with them now, however). Wigs were a close second. I think that's because those things are not just clothing -- they respresent an attempt to project a female image -- and that is what many of us find the hardest to accept.

My partner says the wig is the last thing to go on and then she feels Josi has arrived, she is complete. For me it is the opposite, I am happy with part dressing or even the full works but I have huge difficulties with the wig. My reaction is involuntary, I don't think it through but I can se that what Marla said makes a lot sense. Maybe that is why I find such difficulty with the wig.

I can accept that there is a female aspect to my partner but still have a real fear that he wants to be all woman......and in that case what does that make me?!! Foolish in many ways as Rob/Jo is who she is and it is the person I love so why do I analyse?!

Yes, wig for me here, too. When a wig goes on, I find it hard to find my husband "in there". He knows that I don't really like a wig, and he shares my feelings. So, I'm lucky that we don't have a problem with wigs over in our neck of the woods!

Missy Anne's GG

Wigs. Wow, that is a surprise. Because I grew my hair out I don't have to wear a wig. When I present as a man my hair is pulled back into a pony tail. When I present as a woman I let it down. My current GG gf had a distant interest in me and did a bit of research on me even before I started persuing her. As it turned out she knew I was a CD before I told her. But the first time she saw me with my hair down it set her back a bit. I think you're (GGs) describing the same feelings in this thread.

In summary, accepting GGs are likely to be women who are liberal and open-minded, enjoy learning and experiencing new things and most importantly of all were prepared to put aside their fears and concerns and educate themsleves about CDing because they love their partners.

A case of love conquers all?.......I would say so. If your love for someone is less powerful than your social conditioning and you feel no motivation to overcome it then maybe you are not truly in love at all but just going through the motions.

The fact that one-half of marriages end in divorce or separation is a sign that true love is not as common as we would all hope for, a sign that often two individuals have not meshed together enough to share each others' pains and emotions.

So I would just like to thank all the accepting GGs out there beause you are all wonderful examples of partners who understand the real meaning of love.:clap: