Post FFS and BA: A new self-awareness and realness

Everything changed for me today. Absolutely everything.

For like the umpteenth time throughout this long, drawn out, and seemingly never ending transition of mine, everything I thought or saw or knew or felt or previously believed – BAM – it all changed.

Yet again.

This time, though, it happened rather quickly. It happened, in fact, over the short, quick span of just one, small, very specific and isolated moment in time.

It just took me about an hour or so to figure it all out and recognize what was happening for what it really was. Then, as the passenger in the front seat of a Jeep SUV driving through rush hour traffic through metropolitan Guadalajara, I promptly broke down sobbing and crying my long tortured tranny heart out.

I blame the delay in my response to shock. As in, the sudden and immediate shock that overtook my brain and my system when I entered into that one, small, moment of time and exited out the other side but mere moments later. I went into shock. Mind-blanketing, emotions deadening, thought killing shock.

What's funny, though, is that I never saw it coming. I just didn't see it. I had no clue whatsoever what was about to explode through my head and reverberate throughout the entirety of my being.

So when it happened, I was completely blindsided by the significance of the moment in real-time as things were going down.

And all it involved was a simple, yet elegantly modern, giant sized mirror located within my doctor's office.

Oh, and it also involved one more thing – it involved me staring at a life size reflection of myself within this giant sized mirror within my doctor's office. Me staring at a reflection of myself, that is, with of all the bandages, tape, and stitches that had been holding my new surgically reconstructed face and augmented breasts together all removed simultaneously for the first time.

All of which had never really occurred to me that it would be that much of a big deal. I mean, it's been close to a week already since I had my surgery, and I have obviously seen both my breasts and my face since that time. Everyday, in fact, given that they are now my breasts and my face.

So I have a pretty good idea what everything looks like and all, you know?

Except that I really didn't know. I just thought I knew.

Because the reality is that I had yet to see myself like THAT. And I say like “THAT” because let me tell ya, I was completely unprepared to view the image staring back at me.

I was unprepared in a manner that I never thought could be possible, given all of the time, effort, and resources I have poured into all of this in preparing for my future as Anne Kelly Skinner.

What I saw left me speechless. But I wasn't left speechless in a happy-happy-rah-rah way, and I wasn't left speechless in an omg-what-the-hell-have-I-done-to-myself-and-how-do-I-go-back kinda way.

Rather, I was rendered speechless because I felt no discernible reaction within myself at all. I didn't feel empty, but I didn't feel anything I could throw a label on, either. My brain, my feelings, my emotions and thoughts were just blank, just kind of missing in action.

My doc, who was standing proudly and expectantly to the side asked what I thought as I viewed myself within his giant mirror.

Not wanting to disappoint (because my docs and the staff here are seriously awesome and amazingly skilled in their art and craft), I told him that I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and that I never would have thought such a thing was possible. I also told him that I simply couldn't get over it, that I didn't even recognize myself.

These things, of course, are the things he wanted to hear, and deserved to hear given the excellent work I believe my docs have performed on me. And the thing is, all of these things that I told him were 100% accurate and true, and I knew ALL of these things the very micro-nano-second I laid eyes on my reflection. The difference between the before and after is that stark, and it is some seriously night-and-day difference kinda stuff.

Even though I implicitly and instantly knew these things, though, I didn't feel these things, and I had no appreciation for these things in the actual moment at all.

All I saw in the mirror was someone that I barely recognized, and who was a woman. Which, just for the record, was the whole damn reason I came down here for the first place – to physically acquire the very image I was staring at while nary a reaction occurred within my head as I gazed upon myself standing there half-naked.

It was bizarre. Just completely bizarre.

After my doc and I finished up with the remainder of my appointment, I returned to the waiting room to wait for another trans-patient to finish up her appointment (we have the same docs, had similar procedures done, and had traveled together from the recovery home where we both are staying).

So there I was, sitting comfortably in a very comfortable chair, just hanging out, minding my own business when I noticed that I was beginning to have difficulty breathing. It wasn't anything caused by the procedures that had been performed, I was confident of that.

Still, my breathing slowly became more and more labored to the point where I was consciously taking the occasional deep breathe just so I could get enough oxygen in my system to keep comfortable.

As I continued to sit there, I couldn't figure it out. As my breathing become heavier and heavier, I focused on one of the facility's flat screen televisions within the waiting area that was describing and promoting a certain rejuvenation procedure performed there. The information was in spanish, so I couldn't understand what they were saying, but I focused hard on the screen, just to keep it all real.

Shortly thereafter, the other patient (we had also become friends earlier in the week), finished up and returned to the waiting area with me. From there, our doc's right hand man who is responsible for the recovery home and its recovering patients escorted us to the Jeep I mentioned earlier.

Traveling from the hospital to the recovery home through Guadalajara typically takes half an hour to forty minutes or so depending on traffic. On the way back today, we got caught in some heavy traffic. Not that I cared, because I was just staring off into the distance anyways, not really feeling anything at all, just checking out the sites.

About five minutes into the drive, though, and completely out of left field, my breathing became labored once again, and then I felt a small amount of wetness begin to grow in one of my eyes. I wiped it away. But I wondered about it. Where was that wetness coming from? What's the deal with that?

And then it hit me.

Or rather, it slammed full force smack right into my face like a million gajillion megaton load of bricks being hauled by a heavy ass iron plated beast locomotive forged by the hammer of Thor himself.

This. Is. Real.

This. Is. REAL!!!

THIS. IS. REAL!!!!!

And then the dam crumbled completely apart and exploded to pieces in a cascading tsunami and avalanche of pent up emotions and feelings.

Next thing I knew, I was uncontrollably crying my butt off. Right there in the Jeep, somewhere in the city of Guadalajara, surrounded by incredibly dense and slow moving traffic, with other drivers and passengers going about their own lives only but mere feet away from me.

I had been in shock. I could not comprehend what I had seen. I could not process it.

And I could hardly believe it.

That image in the mirror. That image with the new face that was not Greg's, that image with the augmented breasts that no man would ever, ever have, and that these things that I saw in that image were now truly MY reality, that they were ME, that they ARE me, it was all too much . . . .

I was unprepared for it. So I slipped unwittingly straight into shock when I saw my image.

But when I finally came out of that shock, in for a penny, in for a pound, I suppose, so I really belted it out. I cried and cried and cried some more. And it was magnificent and necessary and meaningful and beautiful and cathartic in the extreme.

I just let it all out, and cried until I could cry no more. Not that I could have stopped it, because I tried. It was too powerful, and it needed to happen regardless.

What I saw I cannot come back from. What I saw is who I am supposed to be. What I saw is who I am.

What I saw was me.

The real me . . . .

And it blew my freaking mind completely the hell up.

All those years of fighting against myself. All those years of hating myself. All those years of being horribly ashamed of myself and believing I was broken. All of those years of suppressing and denying what I previously knew to be true so long ago. All those years violating my authenticity and who and what I really am. All of it came out during that intense cry-fest out there somewhere on the road in the city of Guadalajara.

Today was a day that I never thought I would see or experience. Today was a day that not so very long ago I dared not even begin to dream could ever be possible because the more likely alternative was simply unbearable to consider.

Today was an amazing day.

Today was a true awakening. Today I woke from my dreams to find my new reality is actually true.

I am now who I have worked soooooo hard to become. Through all the loss, through all the battles, through all the self-loathing and self-pity, through all of the collateral damage that my transition has so ruthlessly left in its wake, through it all, I am who I am.

I am me.

Finally, at the tender young age of 45 years, I am me . . . .

And I love it. It's as it should be, it is right.

Funny that I needed a big, giant mirror to get this through my thick skull, though. But my docs know exactly what they are doing, so I'm guessing that big, giant mirror was not there by accident, and that I am far from the first to stand before it and be completely and totally blown so away like that.

Damn, though. Who knew a mirror could do all that??!

Bingo. I keep remarking on the same non-reaction / reaction pattern in relation to my own physical changes. That the MOST remarkable thing of all - by far - is the lack of reaction. That what you see is NORMAL. This is what your mind expects and has been denied. Others who have not had this happen don't seem to realize how remarkable the unremarkability is. I keep trying to describe it, but it doesn't get through.

You just got a maximum dose of it!

Wait for it ...

You Go, Girl!!! (Hell yes, that's cheerleading!)

huge huge HUGE hugs! Now that you see the real you in the mirror, I hope you and the world gets to enjoy her for the next 45 years!

And I cry with you through a smile for you...welcome to the universe.

And now your mission is to love yourself sweetheart. Love yourself like no other lover in your entire life has loved you before. I'm so happy for you! Warm hugs, Ann

Anne, your friends here comprise another mirror that reflects the beauty of the women you are. Our role, though, is passive. You made it happen. We merely say "Ah, it's true!"

Wow! That's quite a story, and well-told. Congratulations and best wishes, Anne!

thank you for sharing your wonderful experience. Truly remarkable words

Penny
So much to learn

You need to have this moving account published somewhere beyond this forum. It choked me up. I'm so happy for you!

Seriously, though, if you are not a writer you should be.

Thanks for the inspiring post!

Whoa ... I could never truly know what you're feeling, but those words brought me closer than I could imagine. The revelation must be enormous. I am truly happy for you ;)

Wow, Anne, congratulations! I didn't know you were having this done. :hugs:

So very happy for you and thanks for relating your story.
Mega hug

WOW,That's one Crazy story, But considering what you have been through over the last few years kinda surprised that it took that long to come to a head?

But I guess that old saying ( I can show you better than I can tell you) Is true. But hell girl your in a good spot now. Have a good and fast recovery keep us updated on yourself even though you may not think so you are an inspiration to us all.

Were still all human even though we grew up in a male world an learned to hide our feeling an act the part all our lives we still hurt an all have our breaking points.

Grats, made me shed some and smile some as well :)

Yep...., it will take a bit of getting used to, but you will, Anne, and as you say, it's how you should have looked anyway, if testosterone had not have had its nasty and destructive way with you.

Having a vagina, if you decide to address that part of your anatomy, will blow your mind too.... :)

Amazing and well written post. I've wondered for a while what it would be like to see your new reflection for the first time like that. Thanks for enlightening me. :)

I had high expectations going into my FFS and BA surgery, and I desperately hoped that they both would serve as the collective game changer that I believed I needed.

Looking back on it, though, even though I had my surgery not quite a month ago, it is difficult to say with precision exactly what I was hoping for or looking for.

I mean, confidence was not a problem. I had gained through previous experience all of the confidence in the world I believed I needed to be who I felt I was. In this, I was not lacking in confidence whatsoever.

As for the holy grail of *passing,* that had become less important than I ever thought it would. Except the concept of passing was simultaneously more important than it had ever been before. Otherwise, I can’t imagine I would have put myself through these surgeries to begin with, or worked my body as hard as I have over the past couple of years.

Still, what I was hoping for and what I got were two different things. This, however, is not a bad thing. In fact, it is quite the opposite. It is the most amazing thing to date, by far, in so far as my transition is concerned.

How I see myself now, how I view my exterior, and the opinion I have of it and of myself now, I simply could not imagine pre-surgery. It gave me *exactly* what I wanted. It’s just that I was incapable of articulating what I wanted beforehand because it was the impossible dream. The impossible dream that became and is currently my new reality. The impossible dream that was possible after all.

Funny, though, that confidence has nothing to do with it. Feeling good about myself has nothing to do with it. Liking the image I see reflecting back in the mirror has nothing to do with it. The concept of passing – in and of itself – has little to nothing to do with it.

Yeah, I would by lying to you all if I didn’t say that these things are important to me, or that these things matter little to me. Because they *are* important to me, and they matter much. The proof is in the pudding. Over the past couple of years I have worked hard, obsessively, and of single-minded determination to improve my body and my appearance in every way I could. So these things are absolutely and clearly important to me, and I make no bones about it. And in this, I am proud of what I have accomplished and how I have done so with my body.

But the thing is, what I see in the mirror now, how I view myself now, how I hold myself out to the public and the world, it is about none of these things at its basic core. Instead, it’s a rather simple notion. A notion so simple, so basic, so otherwise underappreciated that it had not occurred to me before. Nor could it have, until I actually experienced it.

The basic, simple truth of the matter is that I feel normal now. I feel right. I feel, at least as far as my exterior presentation is concerned, FIXED.

In fact, I felt fixed from the very moment I woke from the anesthesia after surgery.

Fixed.

Right.

Normal.

Fixed. FIXED. Just ****ing FIXED.

I feel now that I appear as I always should have. And it feels good. It feels damn good, actually. But it feels good in a comfortable way, in a way that is life itself.

FFS and my BA have been an absolute game changer for me. There is no going back. Ever. Perhaps that adds to it all, as well. I’m sure the knowledge of that, on some level, does. I have no doubt of this, actually.

Regardless, it has taken very little time for this to become my new normal. I am already beginning to lose the feelings and the memories of how I *used* to be, even though it hasn’t even been quite a month yet. The reality is that it already seems like a lifetime ago. A lifetime among many other lifetimes on this long path of transition.

I have made many, many mistakes throughout this process. And more times than I care to count I have been my own worst enemy. Time and time again I have been my own worst enemy.

This time, though, I got it right.

I got it absolutely ****ing RIGHT!!!

This is how I am supposed to appear.

What the world sees, what I see in the mirror, is as it should be.

It’s that simple, that magnificent, that beautiful, that wonderful, that right . . . .

Happy to hear that the surgery has worked out well for you.

Anne, I know you've been through hell and back over the past few years. When you had to leave WV, you had lost everything and seemed to be just lost, floating without direction or a plan. I was truly worried about you. You disappeared for a while, only to reappear and reveal the story of your surgery, your experience upon first seeing yourself post-op, your subsequent breakdown, or perhaps it was really your breakout. I am so glad to read this post after all that.

As a woman way beind you on this path, seeing how ClaraKay and you have done so well with FFS, I just have to ask: what do you do now with life? Do you slip into anonymity and live your life in peace? Do you have goals or plans for the next phase of your life? What's next for you? Whatever it is, your strength, determination perseverence will serve you well. I can't wait to see what you do next.

Congratulations, Anne. You have achieved what many of us dream of -- self-love and peace in living authentically. I so love to see that this is even possible.

Karen

Anne, I am so happy for you; I know how much of a struggle his has been for you and am overjoyed at your success, while knowing that this may not be the case tomorrow, next month or next year; now is a time of triumph and you should enjoy it every little bit that you can.
Donna

What an awesome post! May you continue to go from strength to strength.

Hugs,
Persephone.

Hi Anne

That's very interesting.
I have issues with my look, others have said that I look female and surgery would be a mistake.
But I can't shake this 'feeling' off, I think for so long I have been haunted by being Trans that I do feel too broken to get over it.
I've transitioned, things are going great, I mean I went to a full on building site this week and guys were opening doors for me, letting me go first and well treated me respectfully. What more could I ask for? Did I pass, who knows but they all treated me like a woman either way. It was a good feeling and my confidence grows by the day, I'm more confident now than I have ever been in my life.
But it's that bit when you're stripped down and face your self image, it hurts still and I know I have to move past this but I do think it will require surgery.

My biggest fear is that I do more damage than good, have facial surgery and I come out with a face that gets stared at more than ever.

Did anyone else worry about this with FFS?

Anyway rambling now, my point is I don't think it will take much, just a few tweaks to change my face so that what I see will be different enough to feel I have been fixed. I think I have lived too long hating how I look, to move past this without making some changes.

I couldn't really think what it was that I needed and why, but your post makes so much sense to me.

Congratulations and I really hope you can enjoy your life now.

Anne, right on, sorry for the pun, but so happy for you.

I must say that the surgery was a success. You are quite the looker.

I have written a couple of posts relating to my experiences, thoughts, and feelings regarding my recent FFS and BA surgery, but I hadn't posted any pictures. So here are a few.

My surgery was on April 24th, about a month ago. I still have a lot of healing left to do, and swelling to overcome over the next several months, but it's all good. The hard part is definitely behind me . . . . :-)