I feel so lonely

It’s a really long story and I won’t bore you with the details, but I haven’t been allowed to dress for a long time. My whole life has changed to a crazy extent, most people would say it’s good, but I still have this burning desire to dress. The “pink fog” comes over me and I can’t act.

I work a job in a field I didn’t study making 40k. She makes more. It shouldn’t bother me, but she brings it up often enough and the fact that my wedding contributions aren’t up to par are blatantly obvious. The job I work is in accounting. I always dreamed of something with so much more fulfillment, like teaching, or campaigning, or in the field of mental health, maybe writing, don’t know. I miss college so dang much. I miss the hope I used to have. I miss the endless possibilities, and mostly I miss my friends.

Dressing gave me a creative outlet. I was passionate about it. The effort I put into “passing” (even though I never really did) was something I would pour so much work and heart into that it gave me joy. It gave me something to get lost in and I loved it. I loved it the same way an artist loves to paint. Only I was the canvas and blush was my paint.

The worst part is I have absolutely no one to talk to about it. I’m so isolated. I’m in a new town with no friends, except my fiancées friends, but they don’t really count for this kind of thing, and coworkers I guess. I have so many emotions and feelings about my inner/past CD self and if I’m being honest some gender dysphoria and it’s all just moving so fast and I just wish for the love of goodness that my fiancée could understand, but she can’t and won’t. To her it’s unthinkable and unspeakable and has been since 2016.

I just feel so da n isolated that I just had to vent. I’m sorry I wasted your time. There’s just nowhere else for me to go about this.

Oh, Monica, you definitely should consider postponing this marriage. Trust me on this one.

Honey, my heart goes out to you! You're 25, right at the cusp of adulthood (I know the law says 18, but there are real chemical changes that take place in the brain around age 27 that bring a second maturity and your priorities begin to change). For most people, this is a transitional time - the recent post highschool/college years and you will have to carve out a bit of what you are, what you want to do, and how you want to be.

The bad news: It sounds like your fiancée is a bit of a control freak if she a) won't understand who you are, even though she had this knowledge before you and she got together (you did reveal your crossdressing before that, I hope), and b) sounds like she's using her financial power and the fact that you're a stranger in town to solidify power in the relationship. It also is difficult to face these challenges with no support network of your own. You may have some gender issues that most people do not, but everyone has some sort of unique circumstance.

The good news: You're not alone, and things can get better! This will require some soul searching for what you truly want and the compromises you may need to make to find happiness, but it is there! It may require you to get back into school to find the career path you want, or finding peace in the job you're in and letting the rest of your life be a joy. It may require facing your fiancée and sorting out what you want in life and your marriage, and how you're willing to compromise with each other to get there. It may require you getting out to find your own support network and social circle. It may require something else entirely.

You deserve to be happy, you are worth it. Only you can decide how to do that and to have the patience and determination to help make that happen.

In the meantime, don't be so alone, vent away here and I'm sure folks will talk about it with you.

Monica,

Your not alone. A lot of us on here feel you. Not least myself. Our stories and paths are not the same but the feelings of loneliness are.

Keep strong.

Tammy

Monica,

Starting a committed relationship with money issues rearing it's ugly head isn't a promising way to begin. It's one of the biggest causes of marital breakup so you may need to botyom tbat out earlier rather than later.

Job fulfillment is something we all hope for but I would be wary of thinking the grass us greener over there. Jobs such as teaching can be rewarding emotionally but it can also be immensely stressful, plus from what I see on the TV news, isn't that financially rewarding.

It seems you are at a crossroads in your life. You have to decide just how much your dressing means to you and whether or not you can live your life without it.

I don't want to be the catalyst that ends your relationship but now is the time to really assess where it is you're going in life. Should your marriage fail due to dressing then you're going to find yourself far more isolated than you are now. Not to mention financially worse off.

Now is the time for some soul searching. Hard choices may need to be made.

Monica,

Before you go ANY further in your relationship, the two of you need to have a serious talk. something along the line of:
"I love you, and want to marry you, but this is me - and if you can't allow me to be who I really am, then we have a big problem and probably need to either get help (counselling) or go our separate ways."
Otherwise, one or the other of you is going to suffer, perhaps both, but mostly you.

From what I can gather from your posting, there are already enough red flags (non-acceptance, income-shaming, perhaps even isolating you from your friends and family?) to worry me about your chances of a happily-ever-after with her.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck

Being so young, fallow your dreams so to speak, she will probably not be ever accepting, so you would need to be happy at that or honestly move on. Im not much older, same situation, but don’t get married just yet until you have this all figured out 100% where everyone is comfortable. If not it would end badly.

I can understand your loneliness, it will only get worse as the years move on. I can’t tell you what to do since, I don’t know you or your Fiancé, but you need to have a deep talk with your girlfriend and try to figure this out. If it can’t you will have to look at yourself and figure out if your happy. If you plan on fighting your crossdressing desires, you will eventually lose. I feel so bad for you. Big Hug

Monica,
The others have given you such good advise that I can't think of anything to add except it would seem you need something in addition to CDing as an interest/hobby. Something you like to do and you get satisfaction form doing. Very few are lucky enough to get this completely from work. Work is work, there will always be some things you don't like about almost any job. I don't know where in Texas you are and how the weather is for outside activities, but do you like to be outside? Hiking/walking? Bicycling- road or mountain? Kayaking? Canoe? What about wood or metal working? Collecting of some sort? There are many others. Maybe you already have an interest you could develop. Anything but sitting home board and watching TV. But listen to what everyone else has said here, as I said, I think you have some good advise here. And come back here to "Talk" too. Sherrii

Monica,
You are getting loads of good advice from everyone here, and it is all correct- and I think you know that.

So head over to the nearest counselor immediately and start talking about why you have chosen away from your actual desires in every respect.

Clue- psychologists have defined a 'reaction formation' as an effort to mute one's true feelings and desires by advocating/doing/pretending 100% the opposite. Like two vectors that cancel each other, it makes our true desires feel like zero, and, as you can see, our life feels like zero as well. When we follow our true vector, we feel alive instead!

Second clue- you fall squarely into the group of millions of people who do not identify with their assigned gender. It is real, valid, happened for a reason, and it doesn't go away. And it creates an existential crisis [exactly what you are feeling] when we try to bury it.

If someone doesn't accept you for what you are, they don't really love you.

Sorry to be a downer, but it's true. You'll waste your life hiding and regret it when you are older.

Monica,

You don't have to feel lonely here, we are all good listeners and have all had a fit of the blues at sometime or other.

I always say things could be worse, at least it's not raining. :-)

Others have been through what you have and have posted very good advice.

Keep talking, you are not wasting anyone's time as we all do want to see you happy as we have done many times before with others.

Keep your chin up and do let us know how you progress.

GG here -
And I am also telling you to postpone this wedding. Life is too short and I feel everyone needs to be loved unconditionally. I am guessing you either never told her or she does not approve and until you get this sorted you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. It will not go away and please do not take this any further......before there are children, houses and ties that bond even further . Set this straight for the both of you......as hard as that will be it will be a lot worse in the long run.

Monica, my ex-wife was manipulative and demanding. That is why she is my ex-wife.

Monica

I agree with other when they say postpone the wedding.

You can always get married later if you sort things between you.

Starting a marriage under these conditions is not a good idea.

My wife saw me dress a bunch of times on Halloween but never knew I was an actual CDer.
After I got married I dressed now and then in secret and when the children came the Pink Fog faded away.
I found having children and talking care of them to be very cool.
Now that they are all grown up and have moved out the Pink Fog has come back pretty strong at times.
I told my wife two years ago and she finds it unacceptable, so I've been sneaking my dressing and I don't feel good about it.

She makes comments almost every day about how bad CDing is. this morning she said "people only keep secrets when they know what they are doing is wrong"

Well good luck.

I perused the comments. I also looked at you previous posts. You do make an attractive woman.

I have to agree with the others. There is a rocky road on the horizon for you. I am disturbed by your comment that you "haven't been allowed to dress for a long time." And, "To her it's unthinkable and unspeakable and has been since 2016." I am assuming she is aware of your desires to wear women's clothing. If she is suppressing your needs this is a bad sign. Forever during this sort of marriage there is trouble on the horizon. Marriage is a series of compromises. If you are not 'allowed' to be yourself how long do you expect to be able to adhere to her restrictions before you sneak behind her back. I can understand a wife does not want to participate, but, should a wife dictate everything you do. Where's the compromise?

As pointed out by others if a spouse in a marriage is going to point out perceived inadequacies as to income that is troubling. To make an issue of this before marriage is another sign of troubled waters ahead. Frankly, I think you're too young to get married. You are indicating you would like to be in a different field. Something more fulfilling. How does your fiancee feel about that? Is she willing to let you try to obtain that goal? After all, that would mean time and money that may interfere with her plans.

I can understand a lack of friends when moving to a new city. My wife moved to NYC and went through that struggle for awhile. When we relocated to her home town I went through that struggle. Those are temporary issues.

A restrictive spouse and a spouse who is controlling is a long term issue. With your acknowledgement of her views and her negative opinions I wonder what you see in her?

This is troubling.

Run for your life an get as far away from her as possible she will never change and only get worse and you'll turn around at 50 and wonder what happened. You have the power. You have the choice to stay the way you are or change it....... I'd be changing it quickly...

Lisa

I have grave concerns for your relationship and believe it or not, it has nothing to do with the dressing. The number one reason couples divorce is over money, and it sounds like you’re already having issues on that front. You seem acutely aware that you’re financial contribution to the wedding is not up to par. Is that your own anxiety or is it something she brings up in a negative light? You say she brings up the fact that she makes more than you. You also talk about how unhappy you are in your job. Is it possible that she’s bringing up the salary thing to maybe motivate you towards ambition and to get you to get into a field you enjoy? If she’s just holding it against you and using it as a means of gaining the upper hand in the relationship, that’s a bad sign.

A lot going on here.if you feel stuck, career wise, then I’d advise looking into on line classes from public universities. Perhaps you can identify a course of study that helps you in the direction of your interests.

on the personal side, it seems your fiancé is aware and disapproves. You seem to have two choices, as does she. I hope the two of you can reach a lasting accommodation of each other’s needs.

Monica, no one can tell u how to live your life. Nor should they! In the end, only one person can tell u what to do. U!:thumbsup:

But, at age 75 I CAN tell u this. I know countless people my age that go on forever about, "woulda, shoulda, coulda". And, they were at that place in life you're at where they mostly made their mistakes!:straightface:

Do what u NEED to do. As long as you're sure it's what u WANT to do in the long run!:thumbsup:

After awhile it gets easy to tell if what you're doing is rite. U can tell because you'll be happy!:D

Monica,
Make more money.

Or find a partner who values you for things other than your income.

Or both.

Monica

A truly rough situation that no one wants to go through it. There have been a ton of good advice from our older fellows. As someone close to your age my advice is simple: put yourself first. We have so much of our lives ahead of us and if you are miserable now it will only make it worse. Put yourself first. I know so many people say the key to a relationship is communication and balance but there are times you have to put yourself first. Your own happiness should not be squashed to appease someone else. Doesn't matter if it's a girlfriend/fiance, parents kids, priest: you are the most important character of your story.

No one can make it this choice only you have that power. Definitely get outside professional advice.

Or ignore us and just plow your own path. Grab life by the horns. I hope this wasn't a incoherent ramble.

Good luck!!

A line I hear a lot: put your own mask on first. Then you’ll be in a position to help others. You hear this every time you fly. It’s true in life as well. If you’re in a situation that makes you unhappy, get out of it. Do something that makes you happy. Then you’ll be in a position to make others happy.

Monica - this relationship sounds emotionally abusive to me, CD or not. I know; I was in a relationship like that for 9 years. I know we're only able to judge based on the information you posted, but isolation, using money as a lever, attacks on your self-esteem, those are all bad things.

Please help yourself by working through a checklist like https://psychcentral.com/library/domestic_quiz.htm and see what it tells you. There are many others online. It was a checklist like this that first opened my eyes. They're mostly designed for women, so swap husband for wife, he for she and so on. All of this applies *just as much* the other way around.