Told a downright lie

I'm in the US at the moment flying back to the UK next week and I had a 'brilliant' plan to cover the fact that I have shaved my arms and legs.

My wife had commented in an offhand way about the hair under my arms (which is pretty ugly) and sort of said "I dare you to shave it off".

So my cunning plan was to say that I got drunk and did this and also had a hack at my legs as well (I shaved them once before and she went ballistic).

Well I just talked to my wife and managed to get this explaination out and while she didn't get angry or anything she did keep saying I wasn't "normal" and that I was "weird" ...

... and then she asked me out-right if I was wearing womens clothes.

I lied and said "not that I am aware of"

What makes it worse is that I'm actually sat here in a lacey top, white skirt, and high-heel shoes so I was doubly-lying :(

In my defence coming-out over the phone is not the right things to do obviously, and certainly not with such a distance.

On the one hand she was nowhere near as angry as when I shaved my legs the first time, then again she was at a friends house at the time.

On the other hand I think she now suspects that I'm not being entirely truthful which is generally not a good thing but could also be disasterous when I return from this trip with a suitcase full of my girlie stuff.

For one fleeting moment though, I did think that, if she could keep the same tone of voice if I ever actually tell her that I CD then maybe everything will be okay.

I now feel bad, confused, worried, and all those other things that you feel at a time like this.

:hugs: Fiona

Maybe it's time to come clean. Stop living a lie.

I wasn't truthful a lot of times with my wife in the past. I would swear up and down I gave up my femme self and behind my back, had my fingers crossed. No way was I giving myself a mental "lobotomy". Now she is with her Mom in Florida taking care of her but also because she can't handle the situation with me. I've spoken with her a couple of times about getting things back the way they were. She told me regardless of her feelings for me, she cannot trust me because I've let her down so many times in the past and she doesn't want to put herself through that again. Can't say as I blame her because when it comes to Ericka, there is too much at stake. I probably wouldn't trust me myself. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this Hon. Richard

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Originally Posted by Sophia Rearen

Maybe it's time to come clean. Stop living a lie.

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This is possibly true but, as I have posted on this forum before, I have quite alot to lose if things go badly wrong; not just my wife but my son also and then a whole lot of my life also.

It is very tempting to try and have the same sort of life that other people have here; they have understanding GG SOs. I am not convinced that my wife would be so understanding.

We have been arguing alot recently but this is more down to the large amount of travelling I have been doing (which has given me the opportunity to CD more but that may ultimately not be a good thing now).

I was never really into the CDing thing *that* much before, over the past few years though it's something I've thought more of and now having the opportunity has meant that I have explored alot more of this part of me.

So I'm less inclined to want to give up but the risks are certainly more (easy to hide a pair of knickers and bra, not so easy to conceal several pairs of shoes/boots, skirts, tops , etc).

:hugs: Fiona

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Originally Posted by Ericka Richards

I wasn't truthful a lot of times with my wife in the past. I would swear up and down I gave up my femme self and behind my back, had my fingers crossed. No way was I giving myself a mental "lobotomy". Now she is with her Mom in Florida taking care of her but also because she can't handle the situation with me. I've spoken with her a couple of times about getting things back the way they were. She told me regardless of her feelings for me, she cannot trust me because I've let her down so many times in the past and she doesn't want to put herself through that again. Can't say as I blame her because when it comes to Ericka, there is too much at stake. I probably wouldn't trust me myself. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this Hon. Richard

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Thanks.

Though it would be really nice if I wasn't alone if things actually turn nasty :rolleyes:

I guess this really does highlight that it really, really, really is best to be open about CDing right from the very start of a relationship. For anyone that is thinking of coming clean up-front, my advice would be that you really should!

When I started the relationship with my wife I wasn't really into the whole CDing thing, I had done it but felt very embarrassed and went through the whole denial thing several times (looking back it was a huge waste of money/time/clothes! :rolleyes: )

So really I just convinced myself that it was a phase I was going through, something to do with curiosity and lack of sexual experience.

Now I find that it is something I really think about alot and do dream of being able to dress less in secret and more openly, though I'm still not sure if I really would not be able to cope if I couldn't dress at all.

It *is* part of me, even if I never dress again and that's maybe something that I should think more about. It *is* (or maybe was if I have to stop) something that makes me me even if my wife (and everyone else) doesn't know.

Hmmm, it's much easier to tell all this to a computer than a real person :( I only wish I had kept close to the friends who I think I could/should have shared this with. Hindsight is a wonderful thing :(

:hugs: Fiona

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Originally Posted by fionasboots

This is possibly true but, as I have posted on this forum before, I have quite alot to lose if things go badly wrong; not just my wife but my son also and then a whole lot of my life also.

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I completely understand, most of us are in or have been in similar scenarios. However, how do you think she will react upon seeing your "things" once she finds them, either on you or in a case?

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Originally Posted by fionasboots

It is very tempting to try and have the same sort of life that other people have here; they have understanding GG SOs. I am not convinced that my wife would be so understanding.

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Seems like you are having "the same sort of life". You're shaving and buying and wearing womens clothes. You're just doing it alone and not bringing your wife along. Her replies, to me, seem very typical. Not many wives are going to jump into their husbands cd'ing enthusiastically. Generally, it takes work. And that work is communication. Have you missed some opportunities for dialog for fear of the unkown responses?

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Originally Posted by fionasboots

I was never really into the CDing thing *that* much before, over the past few years though it's something I've thought more of and now having the opportunity has meant that I have explored alot more of this part of me.

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You're only 30. Chances are this is not going to go away. More likely the desire will only increase. When is a good time for this to blow up?
Sorry for the tough love.

:hugs: Fiona[/QUOTE]

[SIZE="3"]I hear you and totally understand, while I don't have as much to lose I am working on coming out to my longterm girlfriend, knowing she might not accept it well. She needs to know because our relationnship can not develop further without her knowing, and I have to be who I am, not living my own lie.[/SIZE]

I am so glad Lawren told me right off about the CDing, life is much easier understanding what's going on. He made the right choice. Telling the truth in the long run is much healthier than than to live a lie with all the secrets you're going to be fighting to keep.

For some of us just dealing with being a crossdresser and comprimising by not going totally girlie as often as we would like or not ever getting to go totally girlie at all is a full enough plate.
Right now why should you try to explane something you don't fully undestand youself to some one you seem to susspect would not be too understanding of you crossdressing to begin with.
Your lies are a fearful response to a real reason to be afraid. Hey you have all my sympathy. Not to make lite of telling lies to your wife. But I've been there done that. At least you own your own woman's wardrobe.
Afraid to shave our own legs in a world where when I'm shopping for men's underwear at a department store women are pawing through them beside me and even over me and it is totally exceptable.
Life is so full of double standards for us we need to not be so hard on our confused crossdressing selves.

I have to agree with Sophia. I'll amplify a bit: you have crossed what is, to me, a significant point: you are no longer merely hiding your crossdressing from your spouse, you have affirmatively lied about it. I know that most SOs here will probably not consider an omission to be significantly better than an outright falsehood, but I don't think I could have ever actually told my wife that I did not crossdress in reply to a direct question.

I would strongly urge you to come clean at this point, and be prepared to pony up in terms of personal time to discuss, counseling, etc. Make sure you have done all the research beforehand of course. My educated guess is that your wife already knows; your best chance of getting through this is to help her up the learning curve ASAP and assist her in overcoming her (probably erroneous) conclusions regarding your sexual preference, whether you intend to go 24/7, etc.

It IS tough love but I also think it's your best option.

Erica

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Originally Posted by fionasboots

I'm in the US at the moment flying back to the UK next week and I had a 'brilliant' plan to cover the fact that I have shaved my arms and legs.

My wife had commented in an offhand way about the hair under my arms (which is pretty ugly) and sort of said "I dare you to shave it off".

So my cunning plan was to say that I got drunk and did this and also had a hack at my legs as well (I shaved them once before and she went ballistic).

Well I just talked to my wife and managed to get this explaination out and while she didn't get angry or anything she did keep saying I wasn't "normal" and that I was "weird" ...

... and then she asked me out-right if I was wearing womens clothes.

I lied and said "not that I am aware of"

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I can understand that you lied about your clothing. If, I'd talk about it face to face anyway. I also have total understanding for your situtation and fears concerning relationship, children, and job.
But what I really don't get is why you had to think of a "brilliant" plan to justify your shaving.
I kind of can understand the reasons, but let me say it clear:

This is completly stupid, gratuitous and degrading IMO.

You just like it !!! Period.

That's no lie, though not hole the truth.

It is not unusual that men are shaved. Just look in a journal. Even in women's journals there a almost only shaved men.

Instead you accept to be seen as completly drunk, weird and out of control to shave your body with a confused mind.
If I'd be your SO I'd be really scared and would worry about you.

It happened, but as there are good reasons not to come out, there are good reasons for certain things too and you don't have to play the insane.
Be carefull but be self-confident too !!!

Its my guess that she might suspect something already....but the terms she used about you being weird etc...tells me she needs serious insight and education about crossdressing and about you, the whys and etc....all the questions us GG's ask....I dont think i have ever told my hubby he was weird or needs help etc....about this subject i take it seriously and take it to heart this is him/her...the same person i married 5 years ago and feel honored he/she trusted me enough to come out and not hide from me.
Good luck, my heart goes out to you, i cant imagine being in your high heels!!! wanting to come out but yet being so frightened to do so because of consequences that might occur or not occur.....
I love my husband soooo much I couldnt imagine life without him...therefore life with him includes the her side as well...and they are both wonderful.
keep us posted...and if you do come clean....direct her to us GG's here...we will embrace her whole heartdly and help her as much as we can with loving support.

Best of luck to you, keep your courage up but no more lies....

Dear Fiona,

The correct answer would be, "No, they are not womens' clothes, they are mine."

But seriously, you can't lie and expect her to be OK with it. It will come out at some point and then, watch out. No wife (or anyone for that matter) will be happy to find out they have been lied to.

Good luck, dear.

Lovies,
Stephenie

Tough one here...

Lets assume that you do tell her everything - and end up getting a divorce....

First, and I don't meant to sound mean but you'll get to know your wife better than you ever have - any man that has been divorced can tell you that - and you'll find that this entire thing will probably be drug into court.....

She might say she doesn't want your child around you.......and there's that possibility a judge might agree.

Keep that in mind, maybe lay low a bit.

I agree with the comment about shaving in a "drunken" state - I shave my legs and I won't go back - I love having them shaved and when someone asks me about it I just say that - It's more comfortable. Not everyone likes it but that's not for them to like........I tanned for quite a while outside today, shaved legs and all and my neighbors saw me.

So you may have to compromise with her, maybe you can shave but not dress.........?

I wish you well, and I can't offer any advice because you know your wife, we do not.....honesty is the best policy but it may have some severe short term consequences, or maybe long term if she refuses to accept it.

I really can't argue with anything anyone has posted - and many, many, many thanks for the words of support and advice - even those of you talking 'tough', I still appreciate what you have to say even though my heart sinks ever further at the prospects ahead :(

I am, again reluctantly, inclined to agree with Sophia that these feelings I have are unlikely to go away - please see the pictures I've just posted http://uk.360.yahoo.com/fionasboots and I think you'll pretty much agree I've kind of past the point of no return (please someone post some scathing remark about the pictures, anything to take my mind of the serious stuff in life!)

I think that maybe the inherent problem here is that my relationship with my wife is not really that deep, or I don't feel it is at the moment. All the travelling I've been doing and generally being quite absorbed in work have certainly made things quite strained recently.

We have had quite a few rows and my wife's (understandable at times) frustration with my absence and just life in general has often boiled over and started lots of shouting. She will often resort to snap phrases like "you don't know me anymore" or "you are self-absorbed with your work".

The word "never" and "always" seem to be prefixed to every sentance during such rows which I find makes it hard for me to understand what is going on since it makes me sound so bad (maybe she's right). When she has finally calmed down the excuse for such out-bursts is usually "I'm tired".

Having read what I've just written I think it's clear that we have problems already. I'm pretty sure (I'm sure the GGs will agree) that quite alot of the problems my wife and I have are likely down to me (unrelated to CDing at the moment). I do get absorbed in work, I do find it hard to take a break, that's just me I suppose, I like to keep busy.

On the other hand I wonder if really we should not be together, if maybe we have drifted apart. We are really quite different in alot of ways and possibly the whole CDing thing (thought I best bring it back to that to have at least some relevancy to this forum) is maybe only a tiny aspect of a much bigger problem - possibly I'm getting more into the CDing because there's something missing.

Sorry to have babbled on incoherently. I guess I really have more on my mind than I'm admitting to myself, much easier to type it into a computer than face reality.

Hmmm, lots to think about I think :(

:hugs: Fiona

Okay I just read what I wrote (okay, I didn't read all of it again, it's too embarrasing) and clearly it is pretty much doom and gloom. Sorry.

On a lighter note, I did try to justify the shaving using a suggestion I read on this forum a while ago, i.e. that all the male model etc that you see are generally completely hairless ... my wife just burst out laughing and the prospect that I was comparing myself to a "male model", I can't say I blame her really :D

:hugs: Fiona

P.S. I may try the "'cos I just like it" reasoning regarding the shaving because, to be fair it is MUCH more comfortable (well until it starts to grow back a bit) and certainly way less smelly/itchy in the arm department. I don't see why you GGs should have all the advantages of shaved legs/underarm! :D

Same on you! How would you feel if she lied to you? She deserves better.



tell the truth and hopefully she will still love you..BJ

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Originally Posted by fionasboots

P.S. I may try the "'cos I just like it" reasoning regarding the shaving because, to be fair it is MUCH more comfortable (well until it starts to grow back a bit) and certainly way less smelly/itchy in the arm department. I don't see why you GGs should have all the advantages of shaved legs/underarm! :D

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That's the right tenor. And if she asks you again "why", ask her "why not". Would be curious about her answer and justification. Maybe you can have another laughter :D
Ok, if she just don't like it :sad: Bad luck :D

PS: Using an epilator prevents itching.

Telling a lie is maiking a pact with the devil....just ask George W. Busch lol

hate to be the downer here, but lying to her is BAD. I lied to my EX-wife for 5 years about it cause I knew full well what her reaction would be (she thought all CD's were jerry springer rejects), and we ended up in a very nasty divorce where she turned around and used it all against me in a very public way.

all it does is breed her mistrust of you, she obviously already has an idea of what you are doing, and just think of her reaction later down the road when she finds the proof, or you finally pony up to her.

at least now, you have an out, you can say something like you wanted to discuss it in person or somesuch.

you know, this is a hard truth, it may well mean the end of your marriage, or the last straw from her point of view, but from a man who escaped from one, and went on to find a loving SO who actually understood and accepted, as much as I loved my EX, I can honestly say, I have never been happier in my life.

you do have my sympathy, cause I know it isn't easy to open up like that to someone who seems to have such a bad view on it, but really, you are sat on a time bomb now and just waiting for it to explode

Lies are bad. Bad for the teller, bad for the receiver. I've been open with every woman I've ever been intimate with. Lucky for me I'm strongly attracted to - how did Rick James put it - "The kind of girls you don't take home to mama." But I've had little rejection, some wanted to play along, other did not, but it never figured in the overall relationship one way or the other. Even the divorce was about money, drinking, money, her drug use, money, and of course, money.

I loved her, at least at one time, and when she left me I wanted to die. But I didn't, life goes on. At first I was very sad, then I was pretty sad, then I was just sad, then I felt kind of blank, then I got a little happy, then more happy, and I can honestly say that five years later I love my life more than I ever have. I love what I do, I love where I live, I love my freedom and openness and the sex hasn't been bad either.

Yes, lots of models shave. That is not an excuse or reason for anyone else to I don't think. After all Kate Moss does lots of stuff that we should not. But I've been shaving for over five years - legs and underarms and what ever part of my chest is below the scoop neck. No one has ever said anything about it. Though some of the girls like the non-hairy legs rubbing against theirs - but that is too much detail and I should end this now before I lose my PG rating.

I have slowly told my wife all my secrets. I used to lie about dressing and other things to her and our relationship suffered. There are a lot of ways to share our big secret and I think that looking through th e stories on this site will help you especially the one's from GG's so that she won't feel that you are weird. Take it slow and be very patient. I did and now I am so happy .
Kahlan

Well for one thing, place all the girly clothes in a separate nylon tote and remove it from your suitcase before you get home! as far as the legs....since you told her already maybe if you keep them hidden from her for a bit it won't get her riled up.

I typically shave during the winter months and fuzz up in the summer to pass as male on family vacations! But I use the old mustache trimmer to keep the leg hairs shortish and bleach them with blonde hair color so that they don't show under hose.

And I always talk to my wife on the cell phone while I'm dressed enfemme and she knows I'm dressed, just doesn't want to talk about it! I did admitted I crossdressed over the phone too, while I was dressed enfemme!! And don't know if it would have been better in person? For me it was probable better, less crying and screaming!! Well at least on my part less! Hehehe. She cried enough for both of us....

Good luck!!

Love Karren

I was like you the lies and all (it not mine and all) now my wife knows and is 90% O.K. with me dressing.
thank God life is so much better now we even go shopping together.:happy: