Secrets and Lies

As a GG I've read a lot on here about the crossdressers 'secret', but how do the GG's feel about having to keep a 'secret' that's actually not theirs.

I have lived an open and honest life but now, due to my OH's dressing, I am forced to keep a secret from my friends and family, something my own actions have never led me to have to do.

I feel in some ways I'm forced to be disloyal to my family to be loyal to my OH.

How do you deal with this conflict and, have you guys ever thought about it this way? I'm sure you have.

The way I see it is this is a secret you choose to keep whilst your SO is forced to keep it through circumstances beyond her control.

Assuming you're not out that is.

your not been disloyal

There will be reasons why you SO dosent want other people to know. mabey it might affect his job or he feels he will hurt his and you family.

The decision to tell others can really only be made by the both of you and if you both not happy with it, it shouldnt happen.
Feel happy he respects you enough to share this with you and only you. it proves he trusts you 110%.

I agree it is a secret that affects more than just the cd'er.. But on the other hand, would you tell your friends and family "all" of the other things that go on in your home? IE..in your bed room, or about all of the skeletons we all have in our closet. Don't get me wrong, I know it is hard... However as in most things attitude or perception can play a big part of how we feel about day to day things. we as humans beings can make a big deal out of almost anything, or just accept it as part of our everyday lives.
just my opinion and :2c:

Enjoy live as much as you can every day
Sara

Whats the big deal here, seems like you can't wait to get with some one and tell them that your sweethart likes to crossdress, is it so hard not to say anything?

Wow...I've never thought about it from that perspective. What you said does make sense. In fact, I'm even willing to go out on a limb and speculate that some of my own wife's struggles may have hinged upon just what you suggest. Thanks for the insight.

Currently, I am very out, even among neighbors. As a result, I do not often stop to think about how my wife might be feeling. Your post was insightful and appreciated. Thanks

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Originally Posted by myMichelle

As a result, I do not often stop to think about how my wife might be feeling.

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I think this statement sums up one of the big issues, and can be as harmless as "oops, got carried away" or as malicious as "Why the hell should your opinion/feelings matter?"

The secrecy causes inner conflict. There are other people in our lives that we love, and have loved for a long time. Having to lie about our actions is perpetrating the same deceit that we experienced - it hurt and we don't want to pass that same hurt to the others we love.

Now I am not saying that "white lies" or omitting a thought/behavior that you yourself have decided is not the person you want to be is wrong. I'm saying that behaviors you have decided are good & OK and define the person you are and want to be shouldn't be withheld from the people you love.

Thanks for your replies....I'm glad to see also that I have made someone think more deeply about this element of their dressing their partner has to deal with.

Tina - you couldn't be more wrong. The VERY LAST THING I want is for anyone to find out my big, hunky, tall, funny OH has this for a passtime. I don't want either of us to suffer the ridicule it may cause. I know for certain I couldn't live with it.

This is the point of my post......I don't want this out and so am forced to keep a secret not of my making or leave the marriage.

Wy wife has one best friend and 3 sisters she remains in contact with on a weekly basis. When I came out to her, I realized she would need to have someone to talk to about it, and I gave her permission to tell one sister and her best friend. The other 2 sisters have children a few years older than ours, and for reasons due to large family interactions (who is mad at who), I didn't want my CDing being used in anger with the other sisters such that their children would find out and tease our kids when we get together for family reunions.

Dee

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Originally Posted by Significantother

I have lived an open and honest life but now, due to my OH's dressing, I am forced to keep a secret from my friends and family, something my own actions have never led me to have to do.

I feel in some ways I'm forced to be disloyal to my family to be loyal to my OH.

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I can definitely understand this, but only from an outsider looking in. I can certainly see that being the bearer of that secret is just too much for some. My ex has an identical relationship with her family and a few close friends. "We tell each other everything." Hence, I couldn't tell her until I was ready for everyone to know (not happened yet).

I really admire people raised in such an open environment - that would have been a great thing. It would be even greater if it reflected society as a whole. But even then, one of my friends/family saying, "Oh yeah, and by the way, Bob likes to lick my feet after a hard day" would still result in a, "Woe, TMI dude" reaction. Really, maybe that info should be distributed on a need-to-know-only basis.

Ask yourself though why you need to tell. It's not just to tell. All of the GGs here have made me appreciate a little more their need to know but why does your sister, mom or dad need to know? Surely they never randomly ask, "By the way, is Bob a cross dresser?"

I think the answer to the question of why you need to tell is because cross dressing upsets or disturbs you on a level way beyond just being secretive and you need to talk about it. You need their support. If you are truly open minded about this and see nothing wrong with it, then why would you tell? Amusement??? Polite chit chat???

The side issues that go along with this, selfishness, narcissism, deceipt can be talked about without full disclosure. "Bob is really upsetting me because he has more interest in his hobbies than me."

I think some hide behind the "I'm hurt that you didn't share this with me" line so that they don't have to face the truth that they're not as open minded as they think they are.:2c:

I really don't think it's anyone elses business what your partner does and it most certainly isn't being disloyal to your family and friends. I'm certain there must be something in your life you don't share with anyone else but your partner... I'm pretty sure your mum doesn't know the ins and outs of your sex life does she??? what about your dad, have you told him about your sex life?? intimate details?? or are those your secrets, between you and your partner..... just like his cd'ing is.

You have to remember just what comes with crossdressing and how your partner would feel if you felt that you couldn't keep his secret any longer. Would it be fair on him that you told everyone, made him feel ashamed, guilty etc??? How would you feel if you told him something so sacred, but because of his loyalty to family and friends, he felt he had to tell them, even if it meant hurting you??

I am sure he does not want to lose you nor you lose him. He has been with this secret for many, many years waiting to find someone he could share his other side with. He does not want to hurt you and does not want to keep secrets from your family. He wants to share his whole life with the lady he LOVES! You don't know how hard it is for a big hunky manly Man to admit to his Lady that he likes to wear girls clothes. I know this because I am a big 6'2" 240lbs, man and was brought up in a family where this kind of thing just does not happen. Do I look good in a dress NOT NOW. I think this guy has gone out on a limb Sharing his other side with you. He must think that you are very special and wants you to LOVE all of him. There is more than what's on the cover. There is a person inside and it may not be the person we are on the outside. The outside is who we Have to be, not always who we want to be. It is very hard for a Man to find a woman that will TRULY LOVE and ACCEPT him in both his outside and his inside. He does not want to hurt you nor does he want you to lie. He just wants your LOVE a LOVE we all need TRUE LOVE. It would be totally up to you who you tell and is up to you.

I think its the same concept as if we as GG's have a personal secret that only our hubby knows. Is he lying to his family and friends if he doesnt share our secrets?/ No, hes respecting our wishes.

That said, i do completely understand what you mean. When Charity came out to me, its almost like I was trapped...noone to talk to except her and you KNOW sometimes they dont like all the questions and rants we have. Its not like I can call up my mom or best friend and say "OMG youre not going to believe this!"

I imagine the turmoil that we deal with daily is possibly the same turmoil they feel their entire lives. The questions unanswered...the whys, why me...why cant i just be normal?!

Crossdressing is one of the hardest things Ive gone through but I wouldnt trade Charity for the world...nor would I tell her secrets. I think, in time, if he wants anyone else to know, he should be the one to tell.

He has said he feels like hes living a lie...he wont go to church because he feels like a hypocrite ( thats a whole other post Ill get into later:D )...and he doesnt want the kids to know yet...or ever. Its sad actually to see him struggle with the cards life has dealt him but the least I can do is love him and support him...take care! Charity's GG

Part of what you say is fair comment. When we (CDs) come out to our SOs, we simultaneously open our own closet door and bring our spouses and girlfriends in with us. On balance, I think the vast majority of us here would say that - assuming the SO is accepting - this is an overwhelmingly better condition than continuing to keep this secret from the person to whom we are supposed to be closest in life.

But the others who posted above are quite correct: most of us do NOT share every single intimate detail of our lives with our friends and families. So it's not like all of a sudden you are going from "completely open" to "living a lie". Candidly, in most cases what your husband wears and his gender identity are simply of no concern to anyone other than you.

Similarly, unless you have lived a very dull life, I assume that you have your own secrets - some that are yours, some known only to your husband. And I don't think it's fair to say that by telling him an intimate secret, you are forcing him to "keep it through circumstances beyond [his] control."

Erica


Erica

I am so tired of hearing how hard it is for a big, strong man to reveal his CDing to his partner and how it's oh so unfair that the SO doesn't immediately jump on the gender duality bandwagon as a spokesperson. I'm sure it is hard, don't get me wrong, but the femme personality traits were never hidden as much as you guys seem to think. We knew about them, we even liked them or we wouldn't have been attracted.

Putting on the clothes is a choice - OK some say it's narrow minded to be upset by that, maybe so. Funny how the SO is then the person with a personality issue (a negative one at that).

Choose to wear what you want, hide it from whoever you want, tell whoever you want, but please stop being the eternal victim and criticizing SO's for their equally valid feelings.

Significant Other:
I wonder this. Why is it so important to you to share this intimate detail of your other half's life?

If the tables were turned would you be able to appreciate his need to tell his drinking buddies intimate details of your life?

You REALLY need to do some serious self evaluation here or you are headed for disaster.

Tree:
There is a lot of hostility there, deserved or not is a question only you can answer. I dont think people here paint themselves as victims; quite the contrary, but we do have VALID concerns about intimater relationships we CARE about, including how to resolve this issue in that relationship.

Secondly, most of us have lived with this all our lives and suffered one hell of a lot of self imposed discrimination, guilt, shame and fear. Until you can recognize that you will continue to have difficulty because you wont be able to go ahead. We are only asking for some understanding and tolerance.

Sorry if I am a little harsh here but we are equally sick of hearing the "I am the victim" statements from the other halves. The GG's here who are successful make every effort to understand and help. In helping us they help themselves.

End of Rant.

Kimberley

Oh Tree...dont you know by now we're supposed to grasp this whole idea with open arms??!!:tongueout

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Originally Posted by Charity's GG

Oh Tree...dont you know by now we're supposed to grasp this whole idea with open arms??!!:tongueout

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Right! Anything you want dear - unconditional love. Do WTF ever you want & I'll be glad to stand right there and pat you on the back regardless of what I have to do/say to help make it happen. Doesn't work with raising kids & won't work when helping a CD to "grow". And by the way, where is their unconditional love when what we want doesn't agree with them?

I'm sure gender duality is a personally confusing and difficult issue to resolve - I do appreciate that. But once you've made the choice to act upon the desire, it's obvious the internal conflict is resolved (CD here only, not TS).

A little question here! Why is keeping a secret thought of as a lie?

hmmmmm, I don't think that the inner conflict is "resolved" Tree, but rather that the CD-er has a person in their corner, so to speak.

My wife is aware of my dressing, kinda-sorta understands, but doesn't encourage me or "enable" me. She just shrugs and says "ok". She has kept my secret, as I have kept hers. I try never to nag or push my alter-ego on her, but we do discuss the issue. Sometimes, it is just the fact of having someone to share thoughts with that is enough.

AS for unconditional love, doesn't that mean accepting your SO for their entirity? Flaws and all? Wouldn't you expect that from your SO as well? And accepting them doesn't mean you have to roll over and get steamrolled by those flaws either.

Ladies:
Personally: My wife does not condone my issues in any way (and she is a counsellor). So out of RESPECT for her (rooted in love, yes love) I have had to adjust to the situation. I am not alone in this.

It is still about dignity and respect, for one another and for the marriage. Nothing more and nothing less.

No one is suggesting you have to accept this with open arms, but as one half of a marriage, you do have to deal with it. Playing the blame game is not dealing with it. It is a painful process as any of the GG's here can tell you but one that can be very worthwhile, assuming your marriage is deeply rooted in love because that is the basis of the marriage, nothing else. If it isnt then why stay in the marriage, for the kids? friends and family? personal security?

If you can deal with this and come to a compromise, the benefits that await you are a lot more than you suspect. (Pretty much anything you want) Still, the key here is compromise, not he said she said battle of wills. That will only fuel a bad situation.

And BTW, just so you know, I am TS and I have been very happily married for 31 years. It hasnt been easy for either of us but we know and understand what is important and what is secondary.

Kimberley.

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Originally Posted by Tree GG

Right! Anything you want dear - unconditional love. Do WTF ever you want & I'll be glad to stand right there and pat you on the back regardless of what I have to do/say to help make it happen. Doesn't work with raising kids & won't work when helping a CD to "grow". And by the way, where is their unconditional love when what we want doesn't agree with them?

I'm sure gender duality is a personally confusing and difficult issue to resolve - I do appreciate that. But once you've made the choice to act upon the desire, it's obvious the internal conflict is resolved (CD here only, not TS).

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You guys are making it real easy for me to keep this a secret from future SOs. No, actually, @#$ it, I'm just going to come out and live in the open. That and start dating the freaky chicks. Or maybe... other CDers... have to figure out which way that door swings....

And personally, IMMHO, Tree, you have issues. I only wish you could know.... much like I wish I knew what it was like to be wired like you.

:hugs:

A lie by ommision perhaps?

I too am confused by this topic. I certainly don't blab intimate details about my wife to others. I wonder about the need for some SOs to immediately blab our "secret" to others also. The, "OMG you're not gonna believe this" syndrome. That's just gossip and we should not be doing this about our loved ones EVER.

That said, the danger that we percieve here is directly proportional to our own acceptance of our CDing. If we accept this ourselves it's much easier for others to accept it in us. I have found that just saying, "Yeah, I do that" in a relaxed and off hand manner defuses 99% of the curiosity about this. An attitude of "SO?" lets people know its OK with you. And if it's OK with you, no one can hurt you with it.

When people question my long hair and ear rings at work I just tell them I'm exploring my feminine side. REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, most people couldn't care less. I know there may be some gossip behind my back, but when I have been the one to tell them, it's obvious that they have no weapon against me. How can they hurt me when I don't care if they know?

I could go on and on about this, but I want you all to understand that it's our own guilt that is hurting us. CDing is NOT a perversion. We must do all we can to rid ouselves of our own guilt. Remember POGO? "We have met the enemy and it is us"! It is our own fear that drags us down.

Lovies,
Stephenie

When a CDer "comes out" to their SO they have been able to tell someone and if the CDer is in the closet then the SO has to keep this a secret, she unlike the CDer has know one to talk too about it, unless you are both in agreement that the SO can tell someone who she can talk to about the CDing.

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Originally Posted by Sandra GG

When a CDer "comes out" to their SO they have been able to tell someone and if the CDer is in the closet then the SO has to keep this a secret, she unlike the CDer has know one to talk too about it, unless you are both in agreement that the SO can tell someone who she can talk to about the CDing.

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Right you are Sandra. Talk to one another, that is where it begins. Take it outside and that could very well be where it ends. The other option for these ladies is to come here and talk to the rest of the GG's like yourself who do have a grip on this. It may not be perfect acceptance but at least an understanding. Then there are the rest of us, many who are an open book who are willing to open up without any kind of prejudice.

Keep it up!!
:hugs:
Kimberley

I realize that my wife has to bear the stress of the risk of me being 'outed' as well as any feelings of stress she might get from feeling that she has to keep 'our' secret.... When I am dressed at home in the evening, there is a constant low level stress for both of us (but I think she feels it more) about the possibility of somebody stopping by unanounced and 'catching' me, or there be some sign left laying around (a bra or nighty in my size hanging in the bathroom, queen size PH drying on the shower curtain rod...) that visitors might stumble upon if we don't do a thorough sweep of the house before visitors stop in.

I get this stress as well, but *I* have the benefit on the other side of being able to enjoy the CDing. She gets the negatives, but no real benefit (other than knowing that it is important to me).

With this in mind, I've always tried to minimize any negative impact this all has on her. I don't push my CDing on her any more than she is comfortable with, I don't insist that she participate in any way, I try to keep it pretty much in the background of our relationship, just becuase I know that there really IS no 'upside' for her.