Where am I going wrong ?

There’s a saying that goes something like:

“ You’d be paranoid too if you knew the whole world is against you ! “

Well I’m reaching the stage where I think I’m ether getting paranoid or I’m just not reading reality right….. Yes we’re back on the passing theme again !

When I first started to go out on public in August of last year I seemed to be invincible. I could go out as often as I liked and would never get read. I’d even go out of my way to be served in a store by a teenage assistant, just to see where my boundaries were – I never had any problems.

Then for no apparent reason things seem to go downhill. I got read several times, but I accepted at the time that no one is ever going to be 100% successful at a 100% of the time.

But things seem to be going from bad to worse and I can’t see why. I’m wearing the same things, going to the same places – but with different results than when I first started.

A day ago I was out in public and I was read twice in a period of 10 seconds !. I was passing a group of guys sitting outside a coffee shop when I heard the comment “Oh there goes a real man!”. Seconds later this guy was walking toward me – staring at me and grinning from ear to ear – almost braking into a laugh. I just couldn’t see how he could read me – and I was wearing sunglasses at the time so there wasn’t much to see facial wise. Yes I know I should have stopped there and then in the street and asked him what the problem was. It’s easy to say that now, but I was in shock at the time and just couldn’t believe what had just happened a few seconds earlier – and now this.

I’ve gone over the photos I took before I went out and can’t see anything different in my looks to the other occasions I’ve been out. I’ve even spoken to a Transman friend of mine on this site, who has met with me late last year and he can’t think of anything about me that gives me away either.

The only thing I can think of is the way I walk – but I’m sure I’m doing all the right things, but I can think of nothing else at this stage.

I know someone is going to say passing isn’t everything – but it sure beats being embarrassed in the middle of the high street ......

I dunno Suzy, I probably would have taken that as an off handed "compliment" myself. In a lot of ways, it takes being a "real man" to have the guts to do what we do. Most men are too unsure of their own sexuality to even attempt it. You look fine my friend.:happy:

Suzy,

No one can tell if you 'pass' or not from a still photo. It obviously bothers you, so try filming yourself moving in front of a videocam?

But honestly, very, very few people pass 100% all the time.. And most of them are on hormones and have their own hair.. :sad: Please, don't obsess about passing? The difference may just be you didn't notice people 'reading' you before? Women particularly are very good at seeing, but not reacting. :hmmm:

Isn't the problem more 'do I get unpleasant comments'? So, be prepared to be read, and to throw a little 'shade' back? (Along the lines of "Well you're no gentleman, certainly..") Watch how genetic women deal with men behaving badly?

If anyone wants to be rude - make it their problem, not yours? You have every right to just be yourself, so act confidently, even if you don't feel it... :hugs:

i don't know. I could pass look wise, but i do not have the femme act down. my mannerisms would be what gives me away.

I think it comes from exposure. (No I don't mean your slip is showing or your thigh highs have fallen down.) I mean the numerous times you've been out or the numerous times the other person may have seen what they thought was a cd/tv/ts.

I don't try to pass but 99% of the time I'm wearinjg a skirt while in public. Some days nothing is ever noticed or no comments. Other days I can't get out of the car without a negative look or comment. I do my shopping at a Super Wal, going once a week. Except for the clerks (and even some of them I never see twice) I've yet to notice the same people in the store. This means that I've been seen by not just the few that are in the store at the time but my exposure is multiplied by the number of times I've been to the store.

You're simply being seen by a new group of people each time you go out. Given this fact, the odds of being 'clocked' increases because of others awareness and experiences of 'seeing' a cd/tv/ts in public increases. There's more of us 'out there' ( I hate that cliche) and more and more people are seeing us.

Stop woring about it. Just accept the fact that you are you and you are different from the 'normal' crowd. If someone notices, 'So What".

Hi Suzi, Sorry that you feel a bit down about being read. Your pics look very femme, so perhaps it is a non feminine mannerism or physical movement that you'll have to change. Also, maybe traveling with a friend will detour some of your fears and confrontations. You have gotten this far, so please don't give up doing what you enjoy. Keep your confidence and attitude high! Continue practicing and studying all the fem things GGs do naturally. IMO, It is very sad that society decides what is "right" for everyone, rather than let each of us enjoy who we are. Keep us posted as to your progress.

Big Hugs2U, Chari

My guess would be your attitude. When you got read once or twice it shook your confidence and then you started to think you would be read. Then you didn't have the same attitude as before so it became easier for you to be read. That's my 2 cents. BTW I think you look wonderful.

Suzy,

Sorry...but I can't determine any reason from your pics why you wouldn't pass. You look very feminine and leave no doubt in my mind that you are a lady.

I think the idea of filming yourself is a good one. I also believe that you should not worry about what other people think anyway. This is an attitude and not some kind of a game to see if we can fool people. You are who you think that you are. You are who you are to you and you should love it.:2c::hugs:

My first thought was you look great and should not have any problem. my second thought was what Lisa Rose has said, you keep getting seen by the same people and they have cought on. Lissa S also had a good thought, beeing rattled can throw everything out of wack. That happened to me just last week on one of my few outings. So try not to get rattled and have fun with it. That is what I try and do. But it is easyer said than done. Good luck and once again you look great as always.

Simple odds sweety, some people are more observant than others. You've just ran into several in quick succession.

With me , I always feel if someone suspects its because of the wig, I used to have long haired ones but over time they get ragged around the neck because of the heat generated from my neck , so i have a shorter style and really havent had any problems, so maybe its the hair..:2c:

Your presumption is that you are going wrong and that's where you are going wrong! Understand? You look really good and who cares what the "jerks" think. I would have said to them "I beg your pardon", "who do you think you are". If they questioned it say that you did not critiscize them for what they look like and you don't feel they have the right to critiscize you.
At any rate you look great and if I ever get to Australia I would definately look you up.

Suzy...

I think jennifer41356 has a point. When I saw your going out pics, I didn't notice anything obvious to give you away. But after reading her post, it does strike me that your hair, while attractive, can draw attention. Maybe that's what causes some to look more closely...also my :2c:

I recall when I first started going out, it was such a thrill, I wasn't concerned over others' reaction, but am much more aware now.

Mitzi

At the risk of sounding like a bitch....SO ???!!!

Did you have fun while out? Bet ya did, even with being read.
Did you get arrested or anyone scream and draw a crowd? Not that you mentioned.

My gut feeling is you gave yourself away by looking "guilty"....easy to do when you get read the first time during an outting. If you were not selfconscious you may not have known you got read.

Shake it off and try pumping gas or try a new store. Bet things are quite different this time.

Emily Ann

Mitzi and Jennifer might have nailed it. The three most important things are acting confident..( not the nervous looking around ect) and I am sure you do not do that....you have been out plenty. Dressing for the occasion. ( not wearing clubbing clothes to the mall ect) and I can see that is not an issue the third is the wig. Very important
to look natural and not wig like.........and if it is older it might need replaced. Please do not let this detour you....it is just a bump in the road.All the girls gave you great advice....please do not beat yourself up over this and continue to be yourself and enjoy.

You look fine. You didn't do anything "wrong". People who are jerks are so silly when they target crossdressers. I agree about the wig. You deserve a new one for day time. The one you are wearing would be great for a club. You have a lot of support here. I am so glad that we help one another. I am a GG but I am an honorary sister, Aunt, friend to each of you. You help keep me feminine, upbeat, and young. Hugs

Honestly, and I am not trying to be an a!#hole, because I know I do not pass, but I looked at your pics and I saw a man dressed as a woman. The vast majority of us think we look good (I know I think I do when enfemme),but the reality is that we look like men dressed as women. Sorry, but that's the truth. I have been to bars during crossdresser nights, and though most do look very good, there are very few that can actually pass. We are not women, our bodies are not built like womens. For instance, in one picture your forearms are showing. Well....those are a mans forearms and could never pass as a womans. Facial features, mens are differant, they are more squared off and chiseled. Womens are more rounded and soft. Skin texture has alot to do with it too. As I said, I am not trying to hurt yours or anyone elses feelings, but facts are facts. If we go out, we will get read. It's all part of crossdressing. Just my :2c:

I agree with all that the girls have said, but I too think Jen said it first. Some good advice from Renee Reyes (a terrific website) revolves around the whole package being "age-appropriate". And I think your blond locks might be a little too 'Drew Barrymore' for the rest of your presentation. Most older gg's tend to have shorter hair for the ease of taking care of it. Try a shorter cut like a modified shag and maybe in a different color, a more real color like dark blond or auburn. You'll note on the street that ladies of a certain age generally do not dye their hair yellow-blond. Also, a shag can be styled to curve in a bit under the chin, helping to make your neck look a little thinner.

Not trying to be critical, but I'm much happier with myself in my short dark do than I was with the blond rag I started with.

Respect & Love

deja

Hi Suzy,

You look fine.
Just need to do a little fine tuning with a few things which the girls previously mentioned.
I know its tough and you feel that you're you're alone out there, but the girls have made some good observations.
Just keep practicing and don't let anyone get to you.
Don't give those people the satisfaction by reacting because that's what they want.
Keep your head up by ignoring it and be confident in yourself.


Hugs!

Getting read is half the fun. Otherwise I would be one more dull woman to add to the pile.

Hmmm OK, here are my thoughts -
For the looks, while I love the wig, it might be a little younger than you would need to wear. That might give it away. Otherwise you look good.

Now for the akward thing to figure out -

When people first start doing anything, they are really careful about how they go about it. At first you were probably very particular about your mannerisms and walk and whatever. But as you got more comfy, you may have gotten careless about your act. Now I don't KNOW this I am assuming.
Sometimes when people get OVER confident, they get careless. Did that happen to you? If acting femme does not come natural, you may need to pay a bit more attention. I don't know, I have never seen you in person...

Now for the "read" thing. We have all talked about passing and such. Sometimes people may know we are CD but just not say anything. Sometimes people like to make a scene. This may have just been an unlucky day for you.
I know I have had good and bad days of passing or at least not hearing anything. One time I was out and got more laughs than a bearded lady at the circus.

But dont worry, whatever is wrong can be fixed. Your looks are good, you just need a wig more befitting of your age if you are to go out and better pass. Of course if possible, try it on in person while made up.

For this past year I struggled with wigs. Not only just the color, but also the look and feel of it. I am really happy with the one I have now and I've received so many compliments on it I have to wonder what my old ones looked like. A friend of mine got a new blond wig with some black roots and she looks AMAZING and she looked great before.

I would try out that next, especially since it seems to be affecting your confidence......

Suzy,
I have to agree with Nicki. It's ok to look at stills but the video camera tells the real story. Walking is the hardest I think.

Love,
Alisa

Ps. This link has been very helpful.

http://www.biomotionlab.ca/Demos/BMLwalker.html

hi Suzy
i can't see anything wrong with your look . maybe your trying too hard
and you know for a year you had it good maybe it's your time to go through some self esteem building time . and yes i have had my share . you look fine a little neat and tidy . just keep doing what your doing don't let it bother you . you always look great

have you thougt about makeing anpoment to a wig shope for new wig .and to make up place to show new make up that would look good on you